A/N: Hello! This is my very first Oliver/Percy shipping, and it's JUST in time for Valentines day!! Hoorah! So, here's the general nonsense that comes with fanfics:
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They all belong to J.K Rowling. J.K Rowling is amazing. I am not nearly cool enough to be J.K Rowling.
Warning: This is slash. Meaning man on man action. Don't like, don't read. Or you could, if you feel like hating something. Just, if you flame me, don't flame with "OMFG DAT IZ SOOO GROZZ I KANT BELV U SIKO!!!!!!!!11111111" Actually, don't flame me with "Oh my fucking god, that is so gross. I can't believe you sicko!" It doesn't matter how fantastic your grammar is, I don't want to hear it. Constructive criticism is always welcome, however.
Hermione was what her teachers called an "ambitious girl." Ron often said that this translated into "an obsessive psychopath," yet Hermione was always able to respond to that with "at least I'm not a ridiculous idiotic slacker who cares more about his rat than his studies!" Still... the insults got to her. It was so infuriating, because to be honest, she loved being complimented by the teachers, and she was proud of being considered "an ambitious girl."
So why did these insults always get to her? It was now more than ever that Ron and the others were ganging up on little miss overachiever. The second years were planning what classes they wanted to take next year, and Hermione signed up for all of them.
"Hermione, you can't possibly expect to take all the classes!" Harry said skeptically. Hermione scoffed.
"And why not? There's nothing written in the rules against it!"
"Look! You're taking Muggle studies! You're a muggle-born!" Ron said angrily. Hermione's eyes widened in excitement.
"Exactly! It would be so fascinating to view the muggle world in a wizards point of view!"
"Hermione... you're weird."
"I'm not weird just because I have a large interest in these classes!"
"No... you're weird because you want to take muggle studies. Come on," Ron said, "even if you weren't muggle born, that's a lame class!"
"It is not lame to be learning about muggles! You are just a closed minded... argh, I can't stand you!" Hermione fumed.
"God, you act like my brother," Ron said, rolling his eyes. "Seriously, go talk to Percy about how fascinating... what is that, Arithmancy?"
"Percy takes that class!?" Hermione said excitedly. "Why didn't you tell me!? Where is he?" She asked eagerly.
"Er, I think he's in the library..." and before Ron could ask why, Hermione was off.
After searching the library high and low, Hermione finally found Percy in the Charms classroom, which was on the same floor as the library, but certainly wasn't the library. 'Ron was wrong, as always,' Hermione thought bitterly. Percy was pacing the room back and fourth, muttering to himself, as if trying to memorize a monologue.
"Er, Percy?" Hermione stammered. When she spoke, Percy gave a startled jump, and looked at Hermione with wide eyes.
"Hermione Granger! What is the meaning of this!? Why did you startle me?!" Percy asked, still looking completely petrified.
"Well... I wasn't planning on startling you," Hermione said awkwardly. "I just wanted to ask you a few questions." When she stated that, Percy began to shake his head.
"Oh no. Oh no you don't. You don't want Percy Weasley answering your questions! Percy Weasley is a complete idiot, and Percy Weasley always ends up in the same awkward situations and never learns his bloody lesson!"
'Apparently, Percy Weasley speaks in the third person,' Hermione thought to herself. She didn't say this out loud, however, because she didn't want to offend Percy. She simply wanted to know a little bit more about Arithmancy. Before Hermione could open her mouth, Percy began groaning and rubbing his temples.
"Hermione, why am I such a woman?" He asked in a stressed out high pitched voice.
"I – I beg your pardon?"
"I always do this! Every time I have a ridiculous schoolgirl crushon somebody, I can't stop thinking about it and I obsess about it and I make it completely awkward! Why do I always do this?" He asked, looking towards Hermione as if she were his last hope. There was a brief silence, for Hermione wasn't sure if she was supposed to answer or not.
"Well... I wouldn't know. I don't know much about your... er, habits?" Hermione said awkwardly. Percy rolled his eyes.
"Of course you don't, you are a completely innocent twelve year old girl who hasn't even reached the point where she's thinking about anything other than dress up and dolls!" Percy said. Hermione glared at him when he said this. 'Yes, I don't think about anything other than dress up and dolls, except maybe for dedicating my time to school, finding the Philosophers Stone, and recently, creating a bloody Polyjuice Potion, but yes, other than that, my life is completely innocent and carefree.' But again, Hermione kept this to herself because Hermione didn't want to offend Percy just yet.
"I mean, if you knew of my crushes... negative, obsessions, then you probably wouldn't be here right now, staring at me with that bewildered look in your eye," Percy said. "By the by, why are you here?"
"Fascinating. But here's my question for you: How is it that someone you've known since the beginning of your Hogwarts career, someone that has always been an innocent little boy with dirt on his nose and having an obsession for Quidditch, become so bloody attractive!? When does this happen!?" Percy asked her angrily. "I mean, this is ridiculous. Usually my obsessive crushes have been on people that I don't really know that well. Usually my obsessive crushes have been on teachers and prefects and – well, figures of authority, but this time..." Percy drifted off and began running his fingers through his hair. He sighed, and continued.
"This time, it's him. It just has to be Oliver, doesn't it? Oliver Wood, with his dirty nose and his messy unclean hair and his gorgeous brown eyes and his sexy toned body that I – Oh god. I'm such an awkward person! I am just like those middle aged women who sit around staring at pictures of Gilderoy Lockhart, except I'm staring at Oli – Oh my god, I'M TURNING INTO MY MOTHER!!!" Percy said frantically, looking at Hermione with wild eyes.
"Er, Percy?" Hermione asked quietly. "Are you sure you want to be talking about this with me?" Percy gave her a dangerous look.
"My dear child. If not you, then who? Someone who actually cares that I've fallen madly in love with Oliver Wood? Should I tell my brothers!? Or better, should I tell Oliver!?! I need to tell someone!!! I'm going to go mad if I don't actually tell someone!!! Do you want me to go mad!?! Hell, why not!?! I've already gone mad!!! I'm in love with Oliver aren't I?! That's mad enough as it is, so why should I even bother?! God, I'm going to end up in St. Mungo's faster than you can say 'Quidditch!'"
"Quidditch," said a man with a dirty nose, messy hair, gorgeous brown eyes and a sexy toned body in the back of the room. Percy turned around slowly, and when he laid eyes on Oliver, he gave him a look that pretty much said, "no, how about not? Let's not have you here, because that would be a little too scripted, and a little too ridiculous." Oliver, on the other hand, was smiling in a way that clearly said "yeah, I know it's ridiculous and scripted, but that's okay, because I'm madly in love with you!" or something like that.
"This was a nice chat, Hermione," Percy said, not taking his eyes off Oliver. "You can go now." Hermione didn't need to be told twice. She scurried out of the room as quickly as she could, leaving Oliver and Percy alone to give each other oddly specific looks.
"So," Oliver said, still smiling "you're not in St. Mungo's!"
"How long have you been here?" Percy asked quietly, a look of shame creeping across his face. Oliver's smile faded. This situation no longer seemed funny with Percy looking that way.
"To be honest, I heard you yell 'I'm turning into my mother,' outside, and that's when I came in to speak to you." Oliver said. Percy raised his eyebrows, took off his glasses, and began cleaning them frantically on his robes.
"Oh, that's good. So you've only heard everything I didn't want you to know. That's not awkward," Percy said, putting his glasses back on in a dignified manner. "Well, goodbye then Oliver. This is the last time we will ever see each other because I'm going to go drown myself in the lake." Percy said quietly. Oliver rolled his eyes and laughed.
"Oh come on Percy, we can at least talk about – "
"No no, that's okay. I'll just go kill mys –" Percy was soon cut off by Oliver's mouth pressing against his own. This kiss (could you even call it a kiss?) lasted for a few seconds, but it felt like a few hours to Percy. Not because it was particularly enjoyable... Percy stiffened up with shock, and didn't move a muscle the entire time. But the biggest question he had ever wondered was going through his mind during that kiss.
"What the hell?" He asked out loud when Oliver pulled his lips away from Percy's. Oliver suddenly looked disappointed. Hurt, even.
"Um... I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. Wow, now I want to commit suicide," Oliver said, chuckling nervously to himself while scratching the back of his neck. Percy wished he wouldn't look so damn bashful; it made him too attractive. Not that he was ever unattractive. He could wear a bloody troll costume and look attractive. Now that Percy thought about it, Oliver would look pretty sexy in a troll outfit...
"Oliver, do you have a troll costume?" Percy asked fondly. Oliver raised an eyebrow at Percy.
"Er, no. Why?" Percy responded to this question by pressing his lips against Oliver's, but this time, the kiss was perfect. As Percy deepened the kiss, Oliver wrapped his arms around Percy's waist, holding him tightly.
"That's why," Percy whispered in Oliver's ear, sending shivers up Oliver's spine. This didn't really answer Oliver's question, but who was he to complain. He smiled, and leaned in for a second kiss.
"Hermione, where were you?! I need to copy your notes from History! You know that!" Ron said angrily when he saw Hermione enter the Gryffindor common room. Harry was in detention, and Ron was left to struggle with his Gargoyle essay all by himself. When he got a better look at his frizzy haired friend, however, he began to worry. Hermione looked as if she had just seen Dumbledore and the Whomping Willow on their honeymoon.
"Hermione, are you all right?" He asked as Hermione sat next to him on a couch. He waved his hand in front of her face, to see if she would blink. She then looked at him straight in the eye, that same look on her face.
"Ron... Percy is insane," she said quietly. Ron just shrugged his shoulders.
"This is nothing new. He's always been insane."
"No. No no. He's absolutely off his rocker. He was talking in the third person, calling himself a woman, and claiming that he was turning into your mother." There was a long silence that filled the common room. And then, as if on cue, the two of them started laughing hysterically. It seemed as if Ron's Gargoyle essay was going to have to wait.
A/N: Don't forget to REVIEW!!! I typed "review" in bold with the caps lock, just for you. Happy Valentines Day!