A/N: This is my first shot at Grey's, so please be kind. I wanted to try to tackle Addi, but she's very complex, I've discovered. I hope it isn't too OOC. Please review! Probably will be a chapter fic.
I wanted to hurt Derek Shepherd. I'm not going to lie about it.
The thing no one knows, that no one cares to know, is the reason why.
Derek, even being the sweet and seemingly harmless guy that he is, villainized me. He made everyone despise me…er, well, almost everyone. He certainly influenced the interns, at least.
Immediately after the "incident" everyone in the hospital hated me. My affair even trickled down to some of the patients.
Anyway, as I was saying, nobody cared about my reason for doing it.
I cried when he left. I begged and pleaded him to stay, which must have meant something to him. He knows, actually everyone knows, that I don't cry and I certainly never beg. I was more sincere that night than I have ever been. That was the rawest moment of my life, or at least my adult life. Regardless, it was the rawest moment of my life that isn't a secret. How could I possibly be ashamed that I was desperate not to lose the one thing in my life that I loved?
I didn't mean to carry on with Mark. The first time that I slept with him I was pretty sloshed. I didn't know what I was doing. I woke up sore, terrified, alone and with a major hangover. Actually, I felt a little like I had been drugged, but that doesn't matter. I felt dirty. The sheets were bloody and had taken on that lovely (note the sarcasm) crust. I didn't know what had happened. Then Mark came out of the shower. He spoke sweetly to me as he dressed and left.
I was vulnerable to his loving words because I hadn't been feeling any warm fuzzies from Derek in a long time. Derek had buried himself in his work and I had noticed he had been spending more and more time at the hospital and away from me. Whenever I was happy he would only drag me down, or worse yet he wouldn't even show until after I had fallen asleep. I knew that he meant well, but that didn't make it any easier.
For what it's worth, I am positive that even if everyone knew my reasons for continuing my affair with Mark it wouldn't make an ounce of difference. Although it started out as pure vulnerability—I don't even know how I ended up with Mark that night—I realized it was the only way that I could get Derek's attention. It was horrible, yes, but I've frequently been called Satan, so it shouldn't be too surprising. On another level, I knew that I didn't deserve Derek. My subconscious was trying to punish me for being unworthy.
I do know that I am a bad person. I don't need to be reminded. I have done many things in my life that make me unworthy of anything good, and Derek was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn't deserve him, so by doing the most despicable thing I could think of, sleeping with his best friend, my evil subconscious ruined everything I needed.
I didn't realize that once he was gone I would be the most destroyed that I had ever been, and believe me, I've been through a lot.