Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
"Say it, Remus… Say it…" Sirius eggs on in a small voice, making his teacup dance across his desk.
"No." Remus snarls back firmly.
"C'mon, just say it!" He says loudly.
Remus' eyes flicker from Sirius to the several students turning their attention to Sirius and him. He flashes the students an irritable smile.
"The answer is and always will be no."
"Just say it." Sirius says quietly.
"No, it's useless to."
Sirius stops for a moment, looking at Remus rather peculiarly. His teacup dances over his desk and shatters. "You know, I even forgot what I was trying to make you say."
"Good. Maybe you'll stop bothering me about it then." He says determinedly, and glances at Sirius frustratingly.
"Oh, now I remember!" Sirius shouts out triumphantly. "I wanted you to say–"
"Shhh, Sirius!" Remus hisses. "You can't shout that out out-loud!"
"Of course I can." Sirius says, his eyes shining.
Remus throws him another dark look over before going back to the task to make his teacup do cartwheels on the desk.
"Say it, Remus."
Remus couldn't study. Not when he could peer over his book and see Sirius so discreetly and perfectly that no one would ever know that Remus was practically devouring every inch of his flawless form. There is a small cough behind him. Remus jumps.
But he had to study, N.E.W.T.s were so close Remus could almost taste them.
Well, he doesn't to taste N.E.W.T.s, he wants to taste Sirius at the moment, as disgusted as he is making himself –
"Remus, can you hear me, I'm talking to you?"
Remus jumps, and looks to see a very impatient Lily Evans looking expectantly at him.
"Oh, Lily, hi, what do you need?"
"I was wondering if I could borrow your Transfiguration book."
Remus snaps his head to his bag and pulls out his tattered copy, handing it carefully to Lily. She smiles.
"Thanks, I'll give it back tomorrow morning–"
"Yes, yes, alright." Remus mutters, cutting across her speech and turning back to look at Sirius.
Remus' temper is up to his head. It's rising unnaturally fast at an unusually high place, he notices, but right now Sirius is being the annoying little brat that Remus had to ignore be he actually fell in love with him.
"Oh, nononono, we should tell him to go skinny-dipping in the lake!" Sirius says eagerly who James.
"Then he will do it during nighttime and no one will ever know that he did it." James points out. Remus rolls his eyes.
"Come on, seeing Snape skinny-dipping anytime is a luxury!"
Remus reads on for more than an hour, not really reading though, because Sirius and James were talking extremely loud about their devilish plans to hex Snape, which Remus did find a little inappropriate at times, house rivalry is a sin to him –
"I'm going to bed." James announces, and trots up the stairs. Remus' eyes flicker up from his book. He can still feel Sirius behind him, eyeing the back of his head.
He can hear him slip off of his chair and come over to join him on the couch.
"So, Remus…" Sirius says playfully. "Will you say it now?"
"No." Remus mutters, and flips a page past almost a little too violently. A small rip appears in the corner.
"Ooh, Remus, you ripped a book from the library, should I tell Madame Pince–?"
"Oh, Sirius, you can be so oblivious and immature!" Remus shouts hotly, snapping, and Sirius feels his face flushing.
"Remus, this is not a technical thing to really–"
"Shut up, Sirius, I don't care." He cuts across angrily, and Sirius finds himself clawing desperately for Remus to calm down.
"Remus, just say it." He tells him carefully.
"Say what?" He snaps back.
"Say whatever you need to sa–"
"Fine, Sirius, I love you!" There is an awkward ringing silence as Sirius and Remus both freeze. Sirius is petrified on shock and surprise, not disgust and nausea. He blinks. Remus looks positively terrified.
Something in back of Sirius' mind tells him to get his lazy bum off of the couch and kiss Remus or he will run off, but he can't do it. He wants to kiss Remus, he wants to tell him that he loves him, too, but before he can blink again, Remus runs, afraid and probably a heartbroken. What has he done?
Sirius simply needs to find Remus. He's always been told the difference of want and need, and he needs Remus. He needs to kiss him and to love him and to tell him that he has been a stupid fool for not doing anything earlier.
It's raining as he steps out of the school's gates, wrapping his cloak around his arms tightly and squinting through the drizzle. Remus wasn't in the library. Something is terribly, terribly wrong. Sirius, himself, did something terribly terrible.
He turns around the corner where Remus is running, running down the sloped lawns like a billowing puppet. Sirius is stopped out of shock again, but comes to his senses sooner and runs after Remus.
"Moony! Moony! REMUS!" He shouts through the rain, but Remus doesn't stop. He runs on.
Sirius is not yet aggravated; he's only worried at the moment. He doesn't know if Remus has avoided his frantic calls or just not heard him. He puts on a burst of speed and runs through the mud, slipping along the way.
Halfway through his running, his shoelace is caught in the mud, his tennis shoes sinking slightly. He trips, into the mud and dirt. His robes are full of mud. "Crap." Sirius mutters bitterly. "Oh, Remus, please, STOP!" Sirius calls fervently, and seems to have done himself justice.
Remus turns around, almost slipping himself, and sees Sirius collapsed in the mud. Sirius scrambles to get up. Remus does nothing to help him.
"Sirius, what are you doing?" He asks impassively. Sirius looks desperately at him, but the rain is coming down harder now. Much more cautiously now, he steps forward.
"Remus, I love you." He whispers quietly, his lips wet and dripping. The rain is preventing their conversation from staying quiet, but Remus' eyes widen and his lips part surprisingly.
Sirius almost breaks; desperation and helplessness clear in his voice when he speaks again.
"Please…" He says softly, and leans in, his two fingers steadying Remus' jaw gently. "Just say it…"
Remus' eyes close momentarily and then snap open. Sirius stumbles backward, and realizes that Remus just pushed him back. He looks back at him, hurt, and despaired. Remus doesn't look hurt at all, just slightly livid and denying.
"No," He whispers coldly. "No, Sirius, I can't."
Sirius really does break. His heart deflates slowly, and he does feel like he's dying a slow and painful death. He even wants to cry. Sirius Black never cries.
"No. It's only for me and you," He says. "There answer is and always…" He looks down. "… will be no."
There is a ringing hurt in the air as Sirius looks at him disbelievingly, covered in mud almost completely. He walks forward, despite the no, no, he said NO ringing in his ears, and kisses Remus almost bruisingingly but only desperately on the lips. He brushes his tongue at Remus' lips begging for entrance, but Remus pushes him back again. He's gasping now, and definitely starting to cry.
"Please, Remus, I love you, I love you–"
"No, Sirius, I can't, don't make it harder than it already is–" Remus mumbles shamefacedly.
"No, I will!" Sirius shouts defensively. "I'll make it as hard as I can, you're not leaving me–"
"There's nothing to leave–"
"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!" Sirius roars frustratingly. "I LOVE YOU, REMUS LUPIN!"
"No, Sirius–" Remus says helplessly.
"But I love you!"
Remus is crying now. Sirius is on the edge of tears himself, the rain coming down harder than he could ever see it. He shakes his hair out of his forehead, his eyes still shining with sympathy. He can't tell if Remus is crying anymore, it's raining much more than a slight drizzle, it's thick sleet.
The helpless feeling in the pit of his stomach was the worst feeling Sirius has ever experienced. He's defensiveless, he's hopeless, he can't do anything about this. Sirius looks at the mud. He thinks that Remus has left him, alone and even emptier, but he doesn't dare check. He wipes two tears away from his eyes and slowly lowers himself into the mud. He feels like this is where is he belongs. But it's his fault, it's his fault that Remus loves him and he broke Remus' heart and that's why Remus refused. He's messed things up.
Remus is still crying as he darts back up the castle stairs, dripping wet and muddy. Sirius is muddier, but at least Sirius likes being messy and dirty. Remus hates it.
Sirius doesn't head up the stone steps until nightfall comes onto the nightmarish scene he walked into when he followed Remus into the outside. It's still raining. He's shivering, everything, even his hair, is muddy. Everything is wet. Even his socks.
He doesn't ever want to see Remus Lupin again no matter how smitten and in love with him he really is.
Remus still isn't completely dry. He feels that he probably won't be completely dry until summer holidays. But he doesn't care at the moment. Sirius still hasn't returned from outside, and it's still raining and turning pitch black. He hurries over to the common room window, pulling back the curtain, almost expecting to see a crumpled heap of a black shadow in the middle of the dark grass.
No, Remus thinks reassuringly. He must definitely be in the castle, muddy and dripping wet. He winces at this picture. Remus Lupin hates dirt, and having mud being dragged around the castle is something Remus Lupin Cannot Be Having If He Can Avoid It.
But he has no idea where Sirius is. He wishes he would.
Sirius trudges up to the Gryffindor Common Room portrait hole, muttering the password before the picture can even ask.
"Tapeworm, c'mon, tapeworm!" Sirius snarls defensively, and prods the portrait impatiently.
When he walks in, he wishes he wouldn't have been so impatient.
"Oh." He says quietly.
Remus is sitting on the windowsill, almost looking despairingly out of the glass. They both catch each other's eyes, anger, hurt, betrayal, denial, rejection, happiness, and frustration both erupting in each other's brain. Remus blinks. Sirius looks away.
He walks up the stairs, his eyes tearing slightly. He could practically see his heart break in front of his eyes when they locked gazes. But Remus probably doesn't care, Remus doesn't love him anymore.
Or so he thinks.
Remus doesn't walk up the stairs until after midnight, exhausted and completely overwhelmed with emotions and other worries. A mattress creaks.
"Stop, Moony." A tired yet completely helpless voice says. Remus stops. Sirius's shadow blinks out from behind his hangings and climbs out slowly. He walks up to Remus; his hands in his pockets and his entire form only a perfect shadow. It looks like he didn't even change out of his uniform.
"I didn't do anything." Remus whispers back breathlessly.
Before he knows what has happened, Sirius' arms wrap around Remus' smaller body quickly, whipping him out of control and completely making him lose his balance. He gasps, but Sirius kisses him.
This time, he doesn't push him off. He moans into Sirius mouth, Sirius taking that advantage to slide his tongue over his lips and lick at the roof of his mouth.
Sirius breaks the kiss suddenly, letting go of Remus and stepping back. Remus feels oddly cold and empty. He almost wants to move forward and kiss Sirius again, but soon he starts talking.
"Say it, Remus." Sirius says almost urgently.
"I love you, Sirius." Remus mumbles right away and bluntly, not bothering to think.
Sirius kisses Remus again, catching him again by a surprise and making sure that Remus wasn't going to go anywhere.
Sirius smiles against his lips and Remus laughs. Perhaps he did say it after all.