Harry Potter as written by Mel Brooks

by Technomad

Scenes from Harry Potter and the Forbidden Grimoire:

Interior-Potions classroom

Snape: Now, if you add powdered toad eyes to this potion, you will get a more powerful reaction.

Hermione raises her hand

Snape: Yes, Miss Granger?

Hermione: Sir, wasn't that effect first described by Lord Voldemort?

Snape (clearly rather exasperated): Miss Granger, the identity of the person who discovered this reaction is of no interest, and will not be on the exam, so kindly let me get on with my lecture.

Draco raises his hand

Snape (warily): Yes, Mr. Malfoy?

Draco: But wasn't Lord Voldemort described as the greatest wizard of all time? Is it true that a grimoire of all his work exists, and is known to still be out there?

Snape (holding on to his temper with an effort): If it does, it will no doubt surface, to be seized and studied by those dunderheads at the Ministry of Magic. beat Magic, my codlings! The lot of them have less magic in them than I do in my littlest toe! Now, if I may get back to what this class is supposed to be about…

By now the entire class is taking an absorbed interest in the proceedings.

Theodore Nott: But my father said that one day he'd find that grimoire, and earn himself a great name with it!

Snape (very sarcastically): And why not, Nott? After all, the delusional ravings of a gibbering madman who was defeated by a baby would certainly be the path to glory, would they not?

Hermione: But Lord Voldemort's work was…

Snape (temper giving way) Lord Voldemort's work was DOO-DOO! In this class, we learn about the subtle science and exact art of potion-making, not the gibberings of a crazed lunatic! (He slashes down with his wand for emphasis, and it sets off sparks, catching his shoe on fire. For a second, he dances before putting the fire out with water from his wand.)

Snape (through his teeth): Class…dismissed. And twenty points from everybody who was asking about Lord Voldemort! (As the class files out, he sits down behind his desk and says softly): They don't pay me enough for this!

Interior-Slytherin dorms

Draco Malfoy is sitting at his desk, playing with what look like action figures that look suspiciously like Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Luna Lovegood.

Draco (in a high-pitched voice): Oh, Harry! Lord Draco is coming! (changing his voice to be more like Harry): Don't worry, Hermione! Ron and I will save you!

Draco pulls out another action figure that looks a lot like him.

Draco (in a deep voice totally unlike his own): Aha, Harry Potter! I'll get you, and your redheaded weasel too!

Draco: (as Harry Potter): I don't think so! ZAP! ZAP!

Draco (deep voice): Ha ha ha, ha ha ha! Tremble, unworthy half-blood! ZAP! (The Harry Potter doll fall over) And you too, stupid blood traitor! ZAP! (The Ron Weasley doll falls over)

Draco (high-pitched voice): Oh, no! Who will save us from the wrath of Lord Malfoy?

Draco (deep voice) Now I have you, my proud beauties! Tremble in my embrace! I have the ultimate power of lots of money and a daddy that lets me get away with anything!

Draco (high voices): Oh! No! No! Oooh…you're so big and strong! Is that the Astronomy Tower in your robes, or are you just glad to see us? Ooooh, you masterful, muscular hunk of masculine charm! Take us now, before we lose all control!

The door opens behind Draco. It's Blaise Zabini.

Blaise: Hey, Drake, the prefects are on the warpath, so whatever you're doing, stop it!


Blaise: Uh, sure, Draco. Whatever you say.

Draco: Did you…see…anything?

Blaise: No, I did not see you playing with your dolls again, Draco!

Draco: Good!

Exterior. A graveyard. Lord Voldemort is staring at a tombstone with ropes hanging off it.

Voldemort: I can't believe it! How did he escape from me? I had him surrounded! You! (pointing at a Death Eater) What sort of arsehole are you to let him run like that?

Death Eater #1: I'm an arsehole! You remember me…Jeremiah Arsehole!

Voldemort spins around, pointing at another Death Eater

Voldemort: And you? Are you an arsehole, too!

Death Eater #2: Sir, yes sir! Abraxas Arsehole!

Voldemort puts his hand to his face, then lowers it.

Voldemort: Let's get this clear! How many of you are arseholes?

All Death Eaters in the vicinity put their hands up and yell "YO!"

Voldemort (despairingly) I knew it! I'm surrounded by arseholes! (He points off in the distance) There he is! Shoot him! Keep firing, arseholes!

The Death Eaters start a blazing barrage, then quiet down. One of them goes off, coming back with a badly-battered fox.

Death Eater: Here he is, My Lord. He's cunningly turned himself into…a fox!

Voldemort: Now, let me get this straight. Either you're saying that a fourth-year Hogwarts student is a fox animagus, or…?

Death Eater (puzzled): My lord?

Voldemort (gently, as though speaking to a half-wit, which he is): Or you brilliant Dark Wizards shot up a harmless fox while letting my greatest enemy get away!

The Death Eaters look uneasily at what's left of the fox.

Death Eater #1: Well, My Lord, I can see a scar on the fox's forehead…

Death Eater #2: Those marks on the face look kind of like Potter's glasses, My Lord…

Death Eater #3: These masks you make us wear do play hob with our night vision…

Voldemort: Oy gevalt!