It was raining; small drips were running down my face and slowly dripping off my nose. Tears were slowly leaking from my eyes as well, colliding with the rain. The sky was dark and there was no sun to be seen. I watched your body getting lowered into the ground then my sobs becoming more violent, no matter how I thought about it I couldn't get over the thought of your body getting put into the ground…my best friend. Harry and Tom were standing next to me but they were covered by a large black umbrella, I didn't want to under there, I wanted to let the rain pour on me, somehow this made me feel. Finally the service finished and people began to leave the graveside but I couldn't bring myself to, I couldn't leave him, not yet. I felt someone's hand rest on my damp shoulder. I looked up and saw the tear stained faces of my two best friends. "Come on Danny, its…its time to go." Harry said gently giving out a small sob. All I could do was nod. I looked at your picture that was propped up against your grave, for the first time in a week a small smile came to my face. Together the three of us headed back to Dougie's Mum's house were the wake was, we had to go and support his mum and his sister.

We were at the front door to the comfortable sized house were our band mate and friend grew up. I took a deep breath in, I had to calm down or I would never get through this. I gave Tom and Harry reassuring looks. Harry just looked at Tom wiping his eyes one last time and Tom just gave one small nod to us both and then pushed the handle and opened the door. As we walked into the house the first thing you saw was a sea of black suits, hats, ties and shoes. I took another deep breath smoothing out my drenched suit. Tom made his way over to Jazzie and Dougie's mum Linda who were both standing in the living room. Jazzie was just staring into space, Linda however, was socialising and talking to people but still had a tissue securely grasped in her hand. I saw a lone tear escape Jazzie's eye but I could see that was enough, moments later she had completely broken down, sobbing uncontrollably much like I had when I had found out. I strode over to her and grabbed her hand and led her out of the over crowded room weaving her in and out of the many relatives and friends that had come to pay their respects.

We got to the top of the stairs till I could see just was completely overcome by grief, she was sobbing uncontrollably. I just grabbed her and pulled her towards me stroking her head rocking hear gently. Tears were falling from my eyes now, I promised myself that I wouldn't cry, a stupid promise I know. "Its ok, its ok", I whisper holding her close.
" He's dead Danny how is it ok?" she said choking through sobs. I pull her away from my chest and look at her dead in the eye.
"Nothing about Dougie dying will ever be ok! Do you hear me? Nothing! But its ok to be upset, sad and its ok to want to scream and be angry. But most of all its ok to grieve, to think about Dougie and want nothing more than to have him back, I'd be disappointed if you didn't. But please just remember something? That me, Harry and Tom are here for you always, we'll look after you, we'll never be able to replace Dougie, nobody will but we will always be here for you to look after you and more importantly to beat the crap outta any guy that breaks your heart or even tries to hurt you in any way". Jazzie laughed at this wiping her eyes and looking a me. "Thanks Danny". She said sighing, a tiny smile playing on her face. I just smiled and pulled her in for another hug lightly rubbing her back. She broke away taking a slow deep breath in and standing up straitening her dress and fixing her hair. She began to walk down the stairs then stopped and looked back at me "I'll be here for you too Danny and Harry and Tom, but especially you…always", she just smiled and walked downstairs and disappeared from sight.

I sat there my elbows resting on my knees my arms hanging loosely in front of me, my hands clasped together. I sighed and got up making my way to the bathroom. Then I past your room and simply stopped. For what felt like an hour I just stood in front of the door simply looking at it. I took a deep breath and reached for the handle and opened it. Cold air hit my face and I walked in. Automatically I started to chuckle softly. The walls were completely cover in posters of Blink 182 and other bands, even one of us. I looked at it smiling remembering that day exactly when it was taken. Dougie was being such an idiot prancing about singing 'Material Girl' by Madonna dancing like a fool. I walked round the room letting my fingers lightly graze the furniture. Then I sat on his bed, a deep blue duvet covering it. I just sat there and looked around, then I felt the ring you bought me for my birthday slip of my finger and roll under the bed. "Dammit" I whisper to myself and I get up and get on all fours and look under the bed. The space under his bed looked like everyone elses, it was littered with dust, old shoes, sweet wrappers, the lot. I grabbed it and sat up again just looking around slipping the ring off and onto my finger. Your dead now, and I miss you Dougie. You didn't deserve to go the way you did. I wish you had told us the truth. You said you were looking pale because you felt ill and thought you had the flu. But you didn't. You had a weak heart and you died because of it and you didn't even tell anyone not even me. Your best friend. Tears started to roll down my face again and I began to cry loud sobs for the first time since you died.

I sat there like this for hours, I know because Jazzie came back up again. "Hey Danny. Um Dougie wanted you to have this, he told me in the hospital before he" she hiccupped slightly " before he died. He made me promise." I look at her quizzically and she walks to me and hands me a large brown envelope puts a supportive hand on my shoulder and then walks out leaving me. I look at it my name was written on it in his hand writing "Danny". I grazed the writing with my fingertips and looked intently at it. I turned it over and began to open it gently and then took out its content. It had different envelopes inside it along with what looked like a photo album. A small postit note was attached to one of the notes. "Dan the envelopes are numbered read number 1 first and then so on thanks and I'm sorry, D x" A tear escapes my eye again and I wipe it away and reach for the envelop with the number 1 on it and I open it. Theres a letter inside. I took a deep breath and began to read.

Dear Danny,
Hey Doug here. I don't know exactly when you'll get this letter, if you do ever get it. All I ask is you just read. It's the 3rd of October 2004 and we have almost finished our first tour. Its been amazing, nothing can compare to this. Getting into McFly is defiantly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't even have to do exams anymore hee hee hee . Mind you I go on about that at least 3 times a week.
One of my favourite parts of the tour was hearing you sing Not Alone each night it spoke to so many people, some even cried. It was amazing. Now meeting our fans that was defiantly fun and interesting! I cant believe girls think I'm hot and want me and scream to me about wanting my babies lol, when their done screaming about how amazing and hot you are anyway.
That's the reason I'm writing this letter…I agree with them, you are hot. I'm sorry for doing this to you, writing this in a letter especially when I don't know when you're actually going to read this letter. When I get enough courage I guess. Yes, I have a crush on you daft I know, that's why I'm not sending this straight away. It's a crush. An infatuation. It could go away. However, at the same time I do want you to know about this at one point otherwise I wouldn't write it down in a letter. Why I want you to know? Because you're my friend and I want to be honest, just not straight away. I'm rather poetic for a 16 year old eh soon to 17!!!!!! Remember get me a good present or when you do get this whatever the time or the year remember nothing says you care more than a 40" inch flat screen tv. Yours for now Dougie x P.S I'm thinking of dying my hair whatcha think?

He cared for me. He felt something for me and I never knew. He was my best friend for the past three years I told him everything and I he did the same and yet I never knew this. I reached for the envelope witht eh number 2 on it and opened it. Another letter was inside it so I took another breath rubbing my head lightly and began to read.

Dear Danny,
Hey Doug here again. It's the 4th October 2005. We're in Glasgow, your downstairs drinking in the bar to be more precise with Tom and Harry. We left the SECC just over an hour ago. We are the best part of the way through our Wonderland tour. Tonight was good really good. You played in a leather jacket lol so I personally think you are totally off your nut!
The last year has been completely nuts! We were in a movie with Linsey Lohan for gods sake! It was crazy, and I think you enjoyed the whole "Dougie misses his Mum, he cries every night" bit a little too much har!
Anyway the reason I'm writing this letter is the same as the last time its to admit something to you. I never mailed the last letter I couldn't so this ones going in next to it, to b sent whenever I can, I'm sorry its taken over a year I dunno if its more yet. Anyway my feelings have not changed, well they have but only in the sense that they have gotten stronger. You are more than a crush I think about you all the time and I feel a lot for you, so much so that its confusing me. I'm sorry again for the way I'm doing this.
By the way now the price of birthdays have gone up (remember 18th in a month!!!!! Very important birthday!). I want the tv and a new Xbox as you broke mine grrrrr! Lol
Anyway remember when you read this that I am sorry and that all I want is you to understand. You're my best friend and I don't want to lie to you I want to be honest.
Yours more Dougie x PS Whatcha think of my hair being dark. Yes? No?

I laughed a small laugh. I can't believe this. He never sent me this, I wish he did, I wish. Time was the 3rd envelope.

Dear Danny,
Doug again. It's the 4th of October 2006 and we have a day off from our Motion in the Ocean tour. This has by far been the best year yet. I've never had so much fun on stage! The drum bit was my favourite as well as playing ghostbusters! Yes, I liked your sweat it was minging! Seriously dude switch deodorant there's something just not right there . It truly was Crabby Crap.
I never sent you those letters, again I'm sorry. If only you could know how sorry I am. I sometimes wonder if you have any idea how I feel. I want you to know so badly but im simply to scared. My feeling haven't changed and I don't think they will, not now. I'm not so confused anymore.
Right for my 19th I want an Xbox 360 as I didn't get a new one last year, mind you you did get me some amazing shoes and CDs.
Anyway I guess…till next year cos we both know there will be another letter. Dougie x P.S I wanted to go blonde again I think it was the right decision. No point waiting. I reach for the last letter. This is it. Dear Danny,
Doug again and guess what? It's the 4th October 2007. But here's the thing. I'm dying, my heart has packed in and its very unlikely that there is going to be a donor anytime soon so this is probably going to be my last letter. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. God that's all I say in these letters, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. But I am. Please tell Tom and Harry that the years I spent in the band were the best of my life all be it they weren't as long as we hoped. Please continue without me, let McFly carry on. Tell them I'll miss them.
Now theres you Danny.This is my last chance to tell you how I feel and again I am sorry I could never say this to your face. Danny I love you. I've loved you since the day I met you I've just been too scared and stupid to realise it till now, now its too late. I'll never know if you even feel remotely the same way, but it brings ease to me that I have told you in some form even if it isn't verbally or physically. You've made my life worth it. You may not of saw me in that way or thought of me and that way, but please know this no one will love you as much as I do and I will never stop loving you even after the day I die.
So after all those letters I haven't sent I've finally told you the truth. I love you. Live every day like its your last, live life for the both of us. Love you forever and ever Dougie xxx PS I think the hair I have now is the best just normal, you said it suited me the best. PSS Thanks for the Xbox 360 lol I cant believe you actually got me it. Its yours now. PSSS I made a photo album of us all through the years, but the last picture, that just for me and you.

The tears were freely flowing down my cheeks now. He loved me. I looked at the photo album and picked it up slowly flicking through the pages. It was us, all of us from start to finish, even one of the day of you singing Material girl. I held my breath as I reach the last page. I let a small laugh through my sobs it was you and me. You were on my back smiling, both of us looking right into the camera laughing, you arms wrapped around my neck for support and my arms holding onto your legs securely.
It was us, just for me and you Dougie.

Underneath this letter of love was a copy of a picture, the original safe with the owner, it was a picture of two guys together smiling, two people who were in love but just didn't know it.

THE END