Grasping tightly to a love you've found your way to,
You rest gently in a brief sleep.
Laying a goodbye kiss on your closed eyelid,
I left you behind in the garden of time.
I had thought it was going rather well.
I mean, I could've been wrong, but snogging the hell out of my favourite DADA Professor wasn't necessarily what I call a bad omen.
At least, not until he stopped.
I always loved being with Remus—I felt privileged to call him that—alone. When we could be ourselves, when we could truly express what it was that was between us. More than suggestive glances, more than mindless, heartless kisses—I dare say, despite being a Malfoy, that it bordered on love.
Or so I thought.
That night, the night he pulled his lips away from mine, beyond the hazy lust that filled my brain, I knew deep down that something was wrong. Unfortunately, I didn't quite process that, and pulled him to me again. He allowed himself to ravish my mouth once more—almost as if he felt bad about pulling away from me. Almost as if he regretted it.
But when we parted the second time, my back pressed against some poor bastard's desk, he put a finger to my lips.
"Draco," he said, leaning down so that his lips grazed my ear—it made the situation that much worse, made me so much more aware of how I longed to touch every inch of him.
"Draco," he said softly. I loved the way he said my name.
"Yes…" I answered levelly. The lust clouding my senses was fading. "Yes."
He pulled his body from mine, standing on his own. Even now, I appreciate that he didn't adjust his robes that he didn't just shake me off as though I were dirt on his shoulder.
He simply shook his head, and told me, "We can't do this anymore, Draco."
I was entranced with his voice and how he spoke my name, that I didn't hear him. "What?" I said in confusion.
"Draco. It's becoming too complicated," he shook his head again. "As much as I enjoy my time with you, as much as I care for you. I can't…"
And somehow, I still wasn't mad. Something inside me simply said, Hey, Draco. He doesn't mean it. Something—some person or thing—is behind this. And I knew it to be true, because I could see it in his eyes. The hurt, the pain—
the love. It was all there.
I lowered my eyes as though I had given up. "Why?" I said. I doubted that he would give me the truth, trying to spare my feelings. Secrets or not, mercy or not, he was already beginning to rip my heart apart.
And, as I expected, he offered no explanation. "I can't, Draco…" was all he said. A mantra, I suppose, to keep him letting me convince him otherwise.
All right. Two can play that game.
I rose from the desk, standing in front of him. "Remus…" I said quietly, raising a hand to caress his cheek. He didn't stop me as I brushed his lips with mine; he had the feeling, as well as I did, that this final kiss would signify our parting. Even he wouldn't deny me my last taste of our forbidden love.
And when we parted that last time, I knew that he was trying to end our relationship without harm, despite the pain he was calling me to.
I left him then, smoothing back my hair as though he had never existed, and pausing at the door to say bitterly, "Goodbye, Professor Lupin." I saw him cringe as he immediately noticed the lack of personal recognition with his name. Then I left Remus and the empty classroom behind.
Two can play that game, I thought. Two can play that game…
Love can't continue as a mere dream
But if you lust after it, it becomes a beautiful but hollow shell.
I wanted Draco to understand my reasoning.
I knew he would hate me, I knew he would never want to see me again…but I was willing to risk it, as long as he was safe.
His safety, his well being was all I needed, all I wanted. I couldn't risk anyone finding out about us, let alone getting hthe information to Dumbledore.
I don't know what made me risk it in the first place. I should have stayed in my place, a Professor, and nothing more.
It took a yell from Sirius to point that out to me.
"Goddamn it, Remus! A Malfoy? You're snogging Malfoy's kid? What is wrong with you?"
"No, Remus. There's no explanation for this, absolutely none…a Malfoy?"
"Yes, Sirius, Draco. But he's different. He's not like Lucius. It's different—"
"How is it different? This is the same boy that's tried to sabotage Harry. The same boy who almost got Buckbeak killed! He could become the next Dark Lord, but no, Remus, that doesn't matter—its fun as long as you're soving your tongue down his throat!"
"What about this—boy—is keeping you with him? Is he threatening you?"
"He's not doing anything to me!"
"I can't think of any other reason why you could be doing this. You're risking your job, your status in the Wizarding world, your validity in Dumbledore's eyes—all for this boy!"
"His name is Draco, and he is not trying to sabotage me!"
Sirius sighed, leaning back. "Even if…even if I were to believe you were doing this on your own, what do you plan on doing when you get caught, when you bring scandal to Hogwarts. What will do then? You're already being watched because you're a werewolf, and you don't need anything on you. Remus, you have to end this now before it gets serious. He's a seventh year; not only are you destroying your life, but his life, too, as much as he may deserve it."
"Sirius, it has gotten serious, and I—"
"Even more reason to stop this madness. You know the Ministry only pardoned me on a whim. What're thy going to think about me living with you, a lycanthrope who molests children in his spare time? Even if Dumbledore were behind you on this, society would never forgive you. Think about it, Remus.
I did, and he was right. Well, most of it was right. It was better that way. It was better that…I put a stop to it before he began to think seriously about our relationship…
Too bad I already had. Too bad I had already discovered the depth of my feelings. That was why, at the time, I was absolutely sure that he wouldn't be nearly as hurt as I was. I was sure that he would never have to know the pain I felt as I spoke to him, the sorrow that made me feel as though I was burning myself alive.
But as he began to leave, smoothing over his beautiful blonde hair—I'm sure that it would have looked more magnificent in the moonlight, if I were ever myself to see it.
But when he called me "Professor Lupin," as if nothing had ever happened between us…as if it would erase the last four months…I couldn't help but cringe. I was the first time I really, truly saw the coldness hidden in Draco's eyes; the ice in them could easily cover Hell in snow.
If that's what you want, the chase after me.
That kiss is a red tattoo,
A tattoo that engraves a prophecy of destiny
I'll know with just one look.
There's a tattoo that hurts in the shape of you lips;
You can't hide it.
Its Moon Revenge…
I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't keep my eyes from straying to him in class. My heart is constantly pulled between anger and compassion.
I want to find something, anything that could prove me right, anything that would tell me that he regretted his decision. I was in DADA class, then: I got my answer when I discovered that he was avoiding my eyes the entire time. The only time he mentioned me…when he made a reference to a paper that I wrote, and dared to compare it to Hermione's. Sure, she and her little do good friends have made amends with me to fight against my father, but her intellect pales in comparison to mine.
After a while, I ceased trying to make eyes contact. If he truly wanted to give me the cold shoulder, I would show him the true coldness of a Slytherin. I would make him hurt a thousand times more than I did.
And it was them that I heard a soft voice tell me, But it isn't his fault.
When I walk in the halls, when I'm at dinner, when I'm in class, I could feel him shen he was near. My heart wouldn't let me forget him. When he was near, I could feel that warm feeling rise within me, the feeing I had when I had kissed him last. It made me want to stop and look in his direction. If made me want to corner him a room and scream at him, asking why he chose to hurt me so. It made me want to satisfy the ache in my soul with a kiss, with the touch of his soft lips.
It made me wish he had never said those things he said the night before. If made me wish I had never seen that hurt in his eyes.
Auras drawn by each other, even when enveloped by darkness
Cannot be snuffed out, and will not falter.
I had thought it would be easier this way. Easier to get rid of him and forget—but I omit, of course, that you cannot 'get rid' of something you care about.
It hurts every time I see him. Every time I look his way, I can see him ignore me, I can see the way he has so utterly thrown me away. It hurt.
I don't know how I did it. How I looked at him, finally calling him the student, drawing the line before he tried to cross it, before he noticed me and my weakening state.
And despite being able to draw this line, I myself came dangerously close to crossing it.
"I took your advice, Sirius."
" 'Good', Sirius?! That's all that you can say?"
"…you sound like you're taking this seriously."
"I am, Sirius!"
"It isn't my fault you got mixed up in this. What do you expect me to say?'
"I expect a friend, Sirius, nothing more."
"Well, I can honestly tell you that you'll get through this, Remus."
I wasn't so sure about that. Yes, I could try my best, to ignore him, but…why do that when it was easier to be together?
Of course, that was only my heart speaking. I myself knew that there were several reasons.
No matter how many times I repeated these reasons, no matter how many times I held myself back, my logic always dissolved.
I loved him.
I marked another day from my calendar that night as I graded papers, half expecting Draco to waltz in as if everything were the same again.
The full moon was in four days. I wasn't emotionally strong enough to do anything about my relationship with Draco. I was too weak to do anything other than teach classes, and Albus was already trying to get me out of doing that. He suggested—like he did when I taught in Draco's third year—that I take the week off for the full moon. I refused; work was the only thing keeping my thoughts from Draco. Somewhat.
I love him, was I all I could think, I love him…
Climbing to the top of the whirlpool of light,
Crimson memories are a poisoning tattoo
A tattoo that shows the chaos of the future.
Every night, it is the same dream. I relive the experience of our last kiss in that empty classroom. Every night, I wake in between the transition to day, wishing that I could figure out what made him leave.
And one night, after waking form the same dream, I decided to do something about it. It wasn't difficult to sneak into the Slytherin Owlry. Of course, I wouldn't dare wake my Eagle Owl—he'd never obey me again.
But that didn't stop me from summoning a Hogwarts postal owl. I scribbled a quick note, then attached it to the passing owl, bidding it to travel to Gryffindor Tower.
Until it returned, I paced.
Am I doing the right thing? Was confronting him the only way to end this?
My heart tells me yes. The Malfoy in me says no, to slap myself in the face and move on.
I actually considered the latter—although the notion of slapping myself disgusted me—that is, until the owl returned, a small package wrapped in two layers of parchment with a note attached in its claws.
I sighed as it landed, and I read the letter:
Good luck—with whatever you're doing. Draco, you had better bring it back.
Now, Harry and I had never been tell it all, best friends, gush to each other chummy, but after Voldemort was killed and my father attempted—and still does—to gain power, we were united for the common purpose of eliminating him. And what he did for me just then, it was as close to being a friend as he could actually get, besides hugging me—which would have been awkward.
I unwrapped the badly packed parchment, revealing what I had been looking for, what I had asked him for.
The invisibility cloak.
I needed it that night, and I don't regret it, either.
Almost as soon as I unwrapped it, I tossed the parchment and Harry's note into the fire place in the Slytherin Common Room. I couldn't take any chances.
Then I slipped on the cloak, and became one with the night. It felt wonderful to run about without being seen—God forbid how many times I'd come close to getting caught by that damn Mrs. Norris.
I knew Remus's room by heart. I could find it in pitch black if someone dropped me on the third floor.
I didn't bother to look out of any windows as I walked, or I would have seen the beautiful night sky—perhaps even stopped for a moment to appreciate it—but more I would have noticed the full moon and realized what it meant.
But I didn't, and was enraged when Remus's office door was locked. Unlike Potter and his less-than-capable-Gryffindor friends, though, I didn't noisily scuffle with the door. I turned the knob slowly to release the hinge, and cast a simple Alohamora before pulling the door open, hastily closing it behind me while simultaneously removing the invisibility cloak.
And then I dropped it.
There was Remus, in all his resplendent beauty, as a wolf, sitting upon his desk.
When we are together,
the tattoo hurts in the shape of your lips until we shatter.
It'd be nice if you'd keep holding me.
It's Moon Revenge…
I hadn't expected Draco. He completely caught me by surprise. As always, the night of the full moon had been a gruesome one. I had cleared my office of anything and everything of importance in preparation for my change. I drank as much wolfsbane as I could before I could refuse sleep no longer. Under normal circumstances, it would have been easy to remain awake until midnight. But with the night of the full moon, I grow weary. And worrying about Draco the entire week did not help.
As I always did before becoming a prisoner of sleep, I hoped I would not wake only to suffer from the pain of my transformation. And despite my hopes and prayers, I always do. It begins as a prickling at the back of my mind, but rises as I gain consciousness. It is not as bad as it used to be, both because I have grown used to it, and because the potion had rid me of some of it.
The pain is less enough so that I don't cry out.
And after it is over, after I recuperate from the pain—I have nothing to do. I am a werewolf in his true form until dawn, and I have nothing to do.
At first, the first time I had taken the wolfs bane potion, I had kept a large mirror in the room; I had never seen myself as a wolf before. And initially, I had though that I…was actually "handsome" in a way. I was nothing short of…a wolf.
But since then, I had adjusted to seeing myself as a wolf, and it no longer interested me. I settled for the decision of sitting in my chair; perhaps I would fall asleep, I thought.
That was before Draco came into the room.
I was not surprised that he had made it in. There was no 'real' security, at least not since I began taking the wolfs bane potion once more. When I was first re-employed, I had been under first rate, almost Azkaban like security measures to "ensure my safety", which I knew actually meant, "keep you away from children." However, after a while without incident, Albus managed to somehow convince the Ministry that I would not harm a single soul. This followed with a trial period, and I had not been guarded heavily since. Now, the door is simply locked. In any case, students have been passing around the rumor that I will rip to shreds any one who approaches me during the night of the full moon—a piece of information probably derived from parents—so I know that they will not bother me. And, if I am stumbled upon, I have been restricted by Dumbledore to not move at all.
But when Draco walked in—I heard the doorknob turn before he opened it—I immediately turned to look. This had been the first time anyone besides Harry and his friends, Dumbledore and my fellow Marauders had ever seen me this way.
Honestly, I couldn't tell you whether I wanted to see him or not. I wanted to see him, yes, but at the same time…
I wondered whether Sirius was right, whether we shouldn't have been together. I shouldn't have gotten involved.—
But I was, and I wouldn't rather it be anyone but Draco.
As much as I loved him, though, I was not willing to drag him down with me.
When he stood before me, staring with wide eyed surprise as though he hadn't expected me to be this way, I growled at him, and bared my teeth. I was never one to disobey Albus. But this was for his good as well as mine.
And, after a moment, of watching me silently, Draco laughed. I stopped growling.
"No, Remus, please continue. It's awfully funny watching you try to look menacing, even as a wolf." Though he was laughing, his words were bitter and I knew that he was still mad at me.
I snapped at him, and he stopped laughing. I wished I could speak, wished that I could tell him to go away.
"Remus, I know you don't mean…whatever it is that you're trying to say." He was cautious now, though, even as he stepped closer to me.
He knew that I didn't mean it as much as I knew. But that didn't keep me from trying to stop him.
Why can't you see, Draco, that you have a prominent future? Why do you keep choosing to follow me into the pits of despair? Don't you know that no respectable wizard would be associated with me?
Then my heart called out to me, He loves you, Remus, can't you see that? He doesn't care about your being a werewolf! He doesn't care about your reputation! He loves you!
I didn't know which to listen to. They were both my feelings. I retreated from the advancing Draco, padding to a corner of the room, away from him.
"Remus," Draco said sharply. "Stop running from me. I am tired of your bloody games. I don't want to chase after you anymore. I shouldn't have to."
I felt his hand on my head, and I expected his jerk, his forcing me to look at him. But instead, he sat beside me on the floor. He was so small, compared to me, and yet I was the one cowering. I was the one running.
He sighed. "Remus," he said, and I continued to look away as if it would make his words less true. "I know that you didn't mean it. I know there was something behind…the things that you said." He looked at me. "You hurt me, Remus. And I want to know why, dammit! What would make you do that to me?"
There was a short silence, and I didn't know whether or not he was expecting some sort of response.
However, he then added, "Remus…if you want to walk away from this, if you want me to walk away from you, I will. But, Remus," then he pulled my face so that I could see his eyes, and I did not want to face the misguided pain, the pain that I caused in the name of false righteousness. "Remus, you—you will be yourself again in the morning. When that time comes, Remus…I want you to tell me. I want you to tell me that you don't want me, Remus. I think that I deserve that."
After that, his hand was gone from my face. But I still watched him as he slumped against a wall, his knees bundled up to support his chin like a child.
And then, I nuzzled his shoulder. I couldn't speak but I could show him what I wanted to say. I want you to stay. If he was near me, it meant that we still had a chance. It meant that he still loved me.
Draco chuckled at my meager show of affection. "What is it? Lupin, you feisty dog you, trying to get a taste of another species?"
I wanted to laugh, but in place of that I gave him the biggest dog-smile I could muster.
Then, suddenly, he was hugging me tightly. He face was buried in my fur, and he held onto me as though I'd leave if he let go. I felt like blushing. My alternative? I wagged my tail. (Don't laugh. You have no idea what pent up feelings do to you when you're a wolf—you just have to express them somehow…)
"Remus," he breathed into my ear, and I wished I was human. I wished that I could do everything my mind was suggesting to me at that moment. "You want to know the truth, Remus?" He paused, as if waiting for me to answer, so I nodded yes. "The truth, Remus, is that I cannot possibly survive without you. I don't want you…to let me go. I want you to be with me, forever, Remus, and I don't care what anyone says. I don't care what anyone thinks, and I don't care what anyone does. I don't. I just…I just want you, Remus. If I could have you, Remus…I would drop everything else. I just want you to love me."
I felt like I wanted to cry. I stopped wagging my tail. I wanted so much to be human, to wrap my arms around him, to tell him that I did love him, that I had loved him for a long time. I wanted to show him that I loved him. I wanted to love him until my body ached.
And so he held me. He held me, and said nothing else until the morning began to make its reappearance, until I began to, yet again, transform. But by then, he was asleep, so I am glad that his beautiful eyes were not tainted by the sight of my change. This time, I was able to change silently.
But when he did awake, and found his arms wrapped around a then-naked me, he said nothing, though I noticed him look me over with an expression of non-chalance.
"I love you, Draco," was the first thing that I said. The first thing that I had wanted to say before pulling him into the searing kiss that I had been holding inside of me since we had stopped talking. "I love you."
He smiled groggily. "That was most beautiful 'Good morning' I've ever had, Remus. I love you, too…but do you really think its wise to kiss me like that when you have on no clothes…?"
If that's what you want, then chase after me.
That kiss is a red tattoo,
A tattoo that engraves a prophecy of destiny.
I'll know with just one look.
There's a tattoo that hurts in the shape of your lips;
You can't hide it.
It's Moon Revenge…
I liked this story. Although I hope that you guys aren't too put off by the alternate POVs--some people told me that they were confusing. It alternates (Remus, Draco, Remus, Draco, then Remus for the final portion, in case some of you are confused.) Anyway, I just wanted to drop this story so that you know that I'm alive and kicking...
I will be posting updates for some of my other stories soon. I know that I haven't updated as much as you would like, but it takes time to type all this stuff...
Thanks for hanging in there with me!
"I will return, for I am the darkness..."