Atashi no Subete
As usual, I wake up crying; My eyes are burning and I find myself staring down at my damp pillow, soaked with tears. It's worse this time- this gut-wrenching feeling won't go away, and I can't stop crying, no matter how hard I squeeze my eyes shut.
Maguri. Oh Maguri, Maguri, Maguri. Can't you see how much you're hurting me? Why must you toy with my heart like this?
It was yesterday in the student council room. Everyone was gone, except for myself and Maguri. My back was up against the wall and Maguri was just inches away from my face, looking at me with those gorgeous golden eyes of his. I got lost in them in seconds.
He suddenly kissed my neck and I did everything to hide an audible moan. "M-Maguri..." I breathed as his lips traveled up my neck and I trembled beneath his body. This chest, so strong and slim, was so close to mine I could almost hear his heartbeat; Heat rose in my cheeks.
"Do you love me?" He hissed into my ear, his mouth still close to my neck. His warm breath sent chills up my spine.
My cheeks felt like they were going to explode. "Y-Yes, I love you..." I told him what I had been trying to tell him for years. I noticed his face had a loving yet desirous expression. Did he feel the same towards me? I had to know. "Do you love me, Maguri?"
He inhaled, letting his lips curl into a smile. "Yes, I love you.." He kissed my neck again. "I love you, Shizu-kun.."
He looked into my eyes and went to kiss my lips.
No, no, not him.
I pushed him away before he could get near me. I could feel the hot tears boiling over, trying to sneak past my eyes, roll down my cheeks. "I-I got to go!" I bolted past him and ran. My footsteps echoed as I ran down the hallway but I didn't hear a thing; My heart was pounding in my ears and I felt my stomach drop. I knew Maguri wouldn't be coming after me.
He wasn't kissing me. He wasn't saying "I love you" to me. He was saying it to Shizumasa, his beloved Koutei. I couldn't compete with that- Shizumasa was everything I wasn't, the man I could never be. Maguri and I were just childhood friends, and to him we were never going to be more than that.
This realization broke my heart even more; My chest felt so heavy and I felt like any minute I could spontaneously combust but I kept on running until I reached home and threw myself on my bed and cried and cried and cried until I saw Maguri in my dreams.
For the entire day I walk around in a state of subconsciousness- half of me is here, half tucked away inside my mind contemplating what happened yesterday. I want to see Maguri so bad, oh how I want to see him, but I can't stand looking at him while knowing that he doesn't see me while looking back. I gather my things and start to head home when I freeze in my tracks. I can sense him behind me.
I turn around and can't help gazing at him. Maguri. My Maguri with the golden blonde hair and eyes and angelic voice that just called my name.
I continue to stare like the love struck idiot that I am. He looks as if he's trying to say something, like words are hitching up his throat, trying to escape. I notice the almost-tears in his eyes and it breaks my heart. Again. "Look Maora, about yesterday...why did you run away from me?" He looks concerned, but I can't tell if he actually cares about me as a human or me as his replacement.
My eyes start burning again. Damn tears. I can't cry in front of Maguri, not like this. I try to suppress them. "Well, because..." I look down at my feet; My throat goes dry but I find it in myself to look Maguri in the eye. "Because, I can't stand it when you always compare me to Shizumasa!" The floodgates of my eyes open and all my tears come out again. It takes everything I have just to talk to him, I have no strength left to try to stop crying. I take a deep breath in, wipe my eyes, then look back up at him. "No matter how far we go it's always 'Shizumasa, Shizumasa, Shizumasa'. Which one of us do you love? I meant it when I said I love you, I really, really do , but I can't stand being with you knowing you only see me as a fill-in for Shizumasa."
I look up at him; He looks both shocked and concerned at the same time; I can't read this expression.
What is it Maguri? When you kiss me, are you imagining you're kissing Shizumasa? Or did you realize that in the midst of that sweet passion that I can give you the love that you really deserve? If you want to take all of me, take me for who I am, not who you want me to be.
I can't stand not knowing what he feels about me, looking at him with that face. Without a word I turn around and dash high-speed down the hallway.
"Maora, wait! Maora!"
My legs start to feel numb but I keep on running and running and running until I stop. I'm forced to- someone grabs my arm. I turn around and there's... Maguri.
Maguri... Maguri you came after me? I can tell he's out of breath- he ran- but he tries not to show it. He almost looks like he has tears in his eyes but he stays strong and just looks at me. And I look back at him. We stay like that for a moment, just starting into each other's eyes...
Until I find my back up against the wall again. He's good at cornering me while I'm off guard. He looks at me with those loving eyes and I get lost all over again.
"I don't think of you as a fill-in for Shizumasa." He says, turning slightly away. I notice a glint of something trace down his cheek. Is he...crying? He turns back toward me and cups his hand under my chin. His slight touch sends chills through my body. "You're not. You could never be. You give me something that Shizu-kun would never give me." His eyes trace my body and then, finally, just like in all those chick-flick movies, he lifts my head closer to his and leans in and kisses me. Me, as Maora Ichinomiya.
And slowly, he pulls away, knowing that I still want more, and says "I love you, Maora."
And I love him back. He takes all of me, and I gladly give it to him knowing that he wants it.