This was going to be a very serious piece about Hyde getting a second chance, but well, Kelso took over and this was the result. Oh, and given that the time line on the show was so dang screwy I decided to say F it and just choose random dates. Takes place in early season 7 or mid season 8 depending on how you look at it.
Warning: Hyde is a complete idiot in this.
Hyde curled his arm around his wife and pulled her closer. She smelled of strawberries.
Wait, Sam didn't use strawberry shampoo. He opened one eye and instead of bleached blonde hair, he was confronted with dark chestnut strands.
Oh god. Did he get drunk and do something horrible again? He really had to stop drinking.
"Go back to sleep, Steven."
"Sleep." She mumbled again.
"What are you doing here?"
He could feel her sigh and pull away from him. She got up and started to put on her day clothes. He could tell she was trying not to cry.
"Next time you ask me to stay over, be sure to mean it okay?"
What the hell? He had asked her to stay over? He hated her.
Jackie grabbed her things and walked over to Donna's. She'd kill him in the morning.
The next morning, when he woke up he was completely alone. He dressed quickly and walked up the stairs to eat breakfast.
Kitty practically threw his food on his plate. This didn't surprise him as Kitty was often hostile for no apparent reason. What did surprise him was that Eric Forman was sitting next to him.
"Hey man! When did you get back?"
Eric and his father shared a look.
"Uh, I didn't go anywhere." Eric thought about it. "At least not that I know of."
Hyde laughed. "Wow, good burn Forman. Seriously, when did you get back?"
The look Eric was giving him clearly said "You've been smoking way too much pot."
Hyde decided to let it go. His friend was back and that's all that mattered. He went back to eating his breakfast.
A short while later, he was getting worried. Sam was due home hours ago. Maybe he should call the strip joint to see if she's okay. He looked expectantly at the door but instead of Sam walking in; it was his other favorite blonde.
"Hey, Donna, have you seen Sam?"
Donna looked confused. "Who the hell is Sam?" She had already talked to both Jackie and Eric, who had told her of Hyde's strange behavior. "Are you feeling okay Hyde?"
"I feel fine; I'm just worried about Sam is all."
"Well, when you're done worrying about your new imaginary friend, can you please start worrying about Jackie?" Donna asked.
Hyde raised an eyebrow. "Uh, why would I worry about Jackie?"
Wow, this was more serious than she thought.
"Well, Hyde, it's sort of your job seeing how Jackie is your girlfriend."
Hyde laughed. "Oh that's funny. Jackie and I ended a long time ago." He paused. "Hey, did you know that Forman is back?"
Like Eric, Donna too wanted to know where the hell Eric had gone.
"Okay, that's it; I'm taking away your stash. It's clearly starting to affect your brain."
Hyde shrugged. All he knew was that this morning he had woken up next to his ex, his wife was missing, and Forman was back from Africa. All that needed to happen was Kelso coming back to make the day complete.
"Hey, has anyone seen Jackie around?" The good looking guy asked as he came through the door. "I need to borrow her eyeliner."
Hyde stood up and gave Kelso a hug. "It's good to see you man!"
Kelso shot Donna a look. She made a 'crazy' gesture with her finger.
"Uh, it's good to see you too, Hyde." Kelso said slowly as though he was talking to a deranged suspect.
"She's over at my house." Donna told him. Kelso winked at Donna and walked out the door.
Donna didn't feel like spending the rest of her day with someone who was clearly crazy.
"I'm going too…" She practically ran out the basement.
Later, at Grooves, Hyde kept looking at the clock. Randy was two hours late.
"Leo, do you know where Randy is?"
Leo looked confused. "Who's Randy dude?"
Yeah, Leo wasn't the best person to ask.
So Hyde called him.
"Hey, Randy, it's Hyde."
"Uh, I don't know anyone named Hyde, you've got the wrong number."
What the hell was going on today? "Dude, you're supposed to come in to work."
"No, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be sleeping, nice prank call though." Randy quickly hung up the phone.
Fez and Jackie walked in followed by the rest of their friends. They all seemed to be arguing amongst themselves. Jackie pushed Fez forward and he walked up to Hyde.
"Hey Amigo." Fez said meekly.
"Uh, we were kind of wondering something."
Hyde looked up to see the gang was still at front of the store, shifting their feet awkwardly and trying to look at anything other than Hyde.
"What?" Hyde was getting tired of this shit.
Fez looked back at his friends, begging them for some help. Jackie waved her hand to him, gesturing for him to go on.
"Well, we were wondering if, you uh…" He took a deep breath. "Have you completely lost your mind? You kicked your girlfriend out of bed, you keep acting like Forman and Kelso left Point Place, and you keep talking about someone named Sam. We're your friends, Hyde, and well, there's no one named Sam."
Hyde laughed. "Fez, I think it's you guys who have lost your minds. Sam is my wife."
Jackie gasped and turned to Donna. "My boyfriend thinks he's married to someone named Sam."
Eric walked over to Fez and whispered something in his ear. Fez nodded.
"This Sam, is it a girl or a guy?"
Hyde rolled his eyes. "She's a girl. You know this."
Jackie sighed with relief. "Well, at least he's not deluding himself to think he's married to a guy."
"She's a stripper." Hyde smirked at them.
Jackie's relief was gone. "Yeah, I think I'll kill him now." Donna pulled her back.
Fez backed up to the group. "Give us a minute."
The group huddled together. All Hyde could hear were mummers of things such as 'he's clearly loco', 'this is worse than I thought' and, 'please don't make me go back up there.' Every once in awhile, someone would turn and glance at him, as though he was going to start bashing their heads in at any minute. Finally, they broke apart and Kelso stepped forward.
"We um, we just remembered that we all would rather be somewhere else." Kelso said in his 'cop voice' to Hyde. With nothing but a scared wave from Fez, they all rushed out of the store.
"Okay, clearly there's only one explanation for all of this." Kelso said at the Hub. "Time travel."
The group looked at each other. For whatever bizarre reason, it actually made sense.
"Wait, so you're saying that you think Hyde is from the future?" Eric asked.
Kelso nodded. "It makes perfect sense!"
Jackie frowned. "Wait, so this means that Steven and I break up and he marries a stripper?"
Fez put his hand on Jackie's shoulder. "At least you've got us."
She shrugged him off. "But I don't want you! I want Steven!" She glared.
Donna shook her head. "Are you guys sure that Hyde didn't just hit his head?"
"How?" Jackie asked. "Last night when we went to bed everything was fine, but when we woke up, he was all…"
"Completely bonkers?" Eric supplied.
Donna glared at her boyfriend. "What did you say?"
Kelso leaned closer to Eric and whispered, "Bad choice of words, Eric."
Eric looked apologetic. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
"You guys, we need to focus here!" Jackie demanded. "My boyfriend is going to marry a stripper!"
"Maybe one of us should talk to him, find out what happens." Eric suggested.
"I agree." Donna said.
One by one, they all turned to Fez.
"Why am I always the one who has to do this?" He stood up and pointed to them. "The next time one of you time travels, I'm staying home."
"Thanks buddy!" Eric called to him as Fez left.
Fez walked into Grooves, to find Hyde arguing with Leo.
"Leo, I just want you to tell me where the August expense reports are."
Leo looked frustrated. "And I keep telling you man, there are no August expense reports.
August hasn't happened yet!"
Hyde ran his hands through his curly hair. "Leo, just… did you smoke them?"
Leo shot a look at Fez that clearly said "What the hell?"
"Hyde man, something is going on with you. It's really starting to creep me out."
Kelso's time travel theory was beginning to actually make sense. It was at this point when Fez did the only sensible thing he could think of.
He ran out the door and back to The Hub.
"That was fast." Donna commented.
"He and Leo were arguing over the August expense reports. I wasn't about to stay there." "That's three months from now." Jackie said. "That means in three months, my Steven is going to be with a whore!" "A whore, Donna!"
"I gathered that already, Jackie."
Jackie crossed her arms. "Well it bears repeating, because my boyfriend is going to marry a whore!"
It was then that Leo walked in and up to the gang. "Dudes, Hyde is really starting to freak me out." He grabbed a chair and sat down.
"Leo, buddy, we think that Hyde might be a time traveler." Kelso told him, as though he was telling someone their dog had died.
Leo nodded in understanding. "That explains why he's yelling at me for stuff that hasn't happened yet." He turned to Donna. "And you should be ashamed of yourself, flouncing around with that Randy dude."
Donna threw up her hands. "Who the hell is Randy?"
"So, did you find anything else out Fez?" Jackie asked.
Fez shook his head. "No. I sort of panicked and ran out."
Eric thought about it. "Maybe this is something we should do together, like an intervention."
insert cricket chirping here
"Well, lets not all leave at once." Eric said sarcastically.
Hyde was beginning to think that maybe this wasn't some long, complicated burn. The strip joint hadn't heard of anyone named Samantha, Randy kept insisting he didn't work for Hyde, Leo was completely adamant that there were no August expense reports. In fact, Hyde couldn't find anything past April. He walked out of his now disarranged office to find his friends were all waiting for him.
"What's up guys?" He asked, trying to play it cool.
Kelso crossed his arms. "We think you know."
Hyde shook his head. "Actually, I don't."
"Hyde, tell us everything that has happened in the last five months." Donna asked him.
Hyde rolled his eyes. "This is getting real old guys, but fine." He pointed to each them individually. "You went to Africa and broke up with Donna."
Donna interrupted him. "Wait? He breaks up with me?" Donna turned to her boyfriend and hit him on the arm. "Dillhole."
"You started going out with Randy."
"Your imaginary friend?" Kelso asked.
"He's very real, although why he keeps telling me he doesn't work here is beyond me."
"What about me?" Fez asked. "Am I still a shampoo boy?" "How's the candy in the future?" "Do I have a girlfriend?"
"You have several."
Fez nodded and turned to the group. "I don't see a problem here."
Hyde ignored him and turned to Kelso. "You got fired from the Force, have a job working at the Playboy Club and live in Chicago."
Finally he came to Jackie who was tapping her foot. "Well, lay it on me, Steven. How is it that you come to marry a whore?"
"A stripper." He corrected absently.
"You say potato, I say whore."
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
"So next week I'm going to get a job in Chicago, ask you to marry me and then we get into a fight and I leave?"
"But you come to Chicago but you see Kelso wearing a towel? So you drive off to Vegas where you get drunk and marry a stripper."
"And after Michael leaves for Chicago I'm going to move in to his old room?"
Jackie was stunned. Donna put her arm around Jackie. "I'm sorry."
Jackie nodded. "Just tell me one thing Steven?"
He gestured for her to ask her question.
"How's my hair?"
"You guys think I'm time traveling?" Hyde asked disbelieving.
Eric shook his head. "That's not true. Kelso thinks your time traveling, the rest of us are pretty sure you've just hit your head really hard, but seeing as Jackie here says you were fine last night, we have no other choice but to go along with his theory."
Donna smiled. "That's it! Hyde, what's the last thing you remember before going to bed?"
He thought back… and found he couldn't remember. Flashes of Fez and Jackie holding hands popped in though.
"Uh, I watched TV and went to bed." He said. "With my wife."
"Well, don't worry, Steven. We're going to be there for you in what is this most difficult time." Jackie gave him her most comforting smile.
He was doomed.
She made good on her promise. Everywhere he went, she was there, following him around, asking questions and giving him orders.
"So… I got the job in Chicago." She said to him one day in the basement.
He turned to her expectantly. A minute went by and she hadn't said anything.
"Now's the time when you give me the ultimatum." He told her.
She sighed. "I already took the job."
He blinked. He still wasn't used to the whole time traveling thing, but he had watched enough romance movies with Jackie to know that instead of the girl going to Chicago, she stayed and fought for her man and they lived happily ever after. Why wasn't she playing by the rules?
She took his hand. "I already know that I don't like this wife of yours, Steven, but I can see that you really care about her. So, I took the job so I won't have to see you with her."
But he didn't care for her. He could barely stand her.
But neither Jackie knew that.
"You know, everyone else has gone out of their way to change the future. Kelso's asked Brooke to move back to Point Place, Eric is looking for other options besides Africa, Fez is well… I don't want to know what Fez is doing quite honestly."
"He's probably hiding in Donna's closet."
She laughed and got up. "Be good, Steven."
"Well? Go after her."
Hyde turned to the familiar voice behind him. His own self, all be it with a mustache, was standing behind him with his arms crossed.
He rolled his eyes. "Technically you're me. I'm the Hyde from New Years Day, 1981."
Hyde watched as Jackie stepped away from her new beau. Now was the time to talk to her. He found her in the kitchen, eating a cookie. He walked up to her. "I'm sorry for everything."
"I'm sorry too." She took a swig of her beer. "What's your biggest regret?"
He had a whole list of them, and each one was connected to her.
"Regrets? I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention."
She laughed. "Thank you Frank Sinatra."
"I would have said yes."
"Huh." She looked thoughtful.
"What are you thinking?" He asked.
"I was going to say that mine was leaving without waiting for your answer." She laughed. "Boy were we stupid!"
"Jacks, if I could go back…"
Hyde looked down. He really needed to quit smoking.
"Why am I here?" "I want to be with my wife."
The other Hyde rolled his eyes. "Why they sent you back here I'll never know. You're a moron!" He glared at his 'younger' self. "I should have known you were going to screw things up." "Because of you, Jackie is going to end up with Fez… Fez!"
Hyde shook his head. "Jackie would never date Fez."
The other Hyde nodded. "Oh yes she would. He's the only one that's been there for her since you got married. Eric is gone, Donna is too wrapped up in herself to see what Jackie's going through, and you, and well you know how you are."
It was the most preposterous thing Hyde had ever heard. There was no way that Jackie would let Fez touch her.
"Wait, she's going to Chicago, so she won't be with him in the future!"
"Great, you destroyed one crappy future and have replaced it with an even crappier one! This time though, instead of dating Fez, she goes to Chicago, hosts her own show and marries some dick named Ted."
"No, I have no idea what happens now. I only know what happens in my future, and that's Jackie and Fez. But, some guy named Ted could be in the picture, or she might get mugged and shot, or swallow a bottle of pills. Who knows?" Hyde ran his fingers through his hair. "She hasn't gone yet. You still have time." He clamped his hand onto his present yet still from the future self. "If you ruin my chances with Jackie, I will kill you, self or not."
Hyde comforted himself with the fact that at least in the future, his friends were happy.
"Man, where does she get off not giving me the ultimatum?" Hyde asked inside Charlie's dad's beer warehouse. "She's supposed to give me the ultimatum and I'm supposed to say yes so I can be Mr. Jackie Hyde!" He looked at Eric. "Forman, my older self is going to kill me if I don't get together with Jackie."
Eric and Fez shared a look. "Have another beer."
"I can't believe you're leaving." Donna told her best friend.
"I know, but I figured if he's so gun ho about being with her, I shouldn't have to be here to see it."
Donna hugged Jackie. "But I'm going to miss you."
Jackie hugged her back. "Hey, Chicago is only two hours away, and there's a phone."
Donna sniffled. "It's not the same, who's going to make fun of my clothes?"
"I'll call you every morning to tell you that I hate your outfit."
"I'm going to hold you to your promise."
A drunk Eric walked in to the living room.
"Have you been drinking?" Donna asked.
He nodded. "Just a lil'." He turned to Jackie. "Jackie, don't date Fez."
Jackie looked confused. "Why on earth would I date Fez?"
Eric shrugged. "That's what Hyde said. He said that you were going to date Fez and that his future self made a wish that sent this Hyde back to change things."
"But he's not is he?"
Eric shook his head. "Nope."
Great, she was in love with a moron.
She found him in the back of the warehouse.
"Get up." She ordered, grabbing his arm.
He rolled over. "Five more minutes."
She shook her head and grabbed his arm again. "We don't have five minutes."
He opened his eyes. "What do you mean we don't have five minutes?"
Jackie too had seen and read enough time travel romances to know that there was always a time constraint, and maybe if she tricked Hyde into believing it…"
"Yes! I saw my future self too and she said that you have to ask me to marry you by midnight, or else I'm going to lose you forever."
The still drunk Hyde sat up. "You're a terrible liar. There's no time constraint and you didn't meet your future self."
Jackie pouted. "I could have."
"Sit next to me." He ordered. She complied and he put his arm around her.
"Don't go to Chicago."
It wasn't a 'will you marry me,' it wasn't an 'I love you', but it was enough.
DECEMBER 31st 1979, five minutes until midnight.
He found her sitting on the porch alone.
"I thought you'd be out here."
Jackie smiled at Hyde and leaned in closer to him. "I was just thinking about what ifs… Like what if I had gone to Chicago?"
"I would have come after you."
She looked up and smiled.
"So, are you ready to go ring in the New Year?"
She nodded and stood up. "I'm ready."
Hyde fingered the ring in his pocket. He was ready too.