dot dot dot // a fullmetal alchemist one-shot
For some reason lately, Roy was just pissing Edward off more than usual. That snide look, that manwhore (which Al always told his older brother was an improper thing to say—but the truth hurt, just like Roy's future herpes) outlook on life—it just made Ed so damn angry. But for some reason, every night, Roy would come over to Ed and Al's apartment, eating from their pantry and drinking their coffee.
"Man!" Ed muttered to his younger brother one night when the colonel had randomly shown up. "We need to get this lunatic out of here! What will people think?!"
"They won't think ANYTHING, Brother," Al reassured him. "He's our—um, your boss. What's the worst he can do?"
So on Roy rambled about the 'countless dates and romantic evenings' he'd been having ("Romantic evenings?" Ed said. "But hasn't he been spending all his evenings here?"). Up came the subject of Roy's playboy ways, and Ed's IQ was just dropping by the second.
"We don't really care how many damn people you've slept with!" Ed cried. "I mean, I'm only fifteen, and Al's only fourteen…"
"And your point?" Roy asked, slurping his drink. "My father taught me the basics of humans when I was about five! There's book knowledge, Fullmetal, and there's street smarts—you need a little of both." Death glare from Ed. "Anyway, so she was kind of unsure of herself at first—AL-phonse! What in the world are you doing?"
Al was close to hyperventilating. "Did you just mutually call yourself our father?"
"…I guess so."
"But ours isn't even dead!"
"Well, yeah, but is he here drinking with you? Telling you stories? Educating you about the birds and the bees?"
"It's an expression, Al," Ed sighed. "Don't you read books?"
"Of course I do! I just…don't understand...? I mean, how are birds and bees even alike in anyway?"
Roy's jaw dropped. All the way to the floor. The only thing that EVER made that happen was when he found out that Havoc was putting hamster food into his weekly cupcake batch. "Don't tell me…"
"What have I been talking about for the past twenty minutes?"
"Uh, dates you've had."
"Which ended in…?"
"No, no, no…well, yes. But what did I end up DOING to—or with, if you will—the lovely women?"
"Gee, I don't know. You said something about removing clothes. Maybe you guys played dress-up or something? Ed told me that Envy removes clothes from him all the time!" Roy shot Ed the biggest, 'Dear God, I am totally never going to get drunk with you' look. "It must be fun, because everyone seems to be doing it."
Roy shifted uncomfortably in his seat, while Ed just stared at his brother. The two both got the picture almost simultaneously, their eyes widening. Suit of armor or not, Al's innocence and adolescence gleamed. If there was anyone on Earth that was pure, it was Alphonse Elric. After all…
You'd have to be PRETTY pure to not know what the hell sex was.
Roy instantly grabbed Edward and pulled him to the side. He gave him a dirty look and kept a firm grip on his braid. "Creation of man is a BEAUTIFUL thing!!" Roy urged. "And you keep your dearest little brother out of all the details?"
"Look," growled Ed. "I kind of assumed he knew about all this stuff. I mean, sex is just…ugh. Every teenager knows about it! How can you NOT? It isn't like this series doesn't have fanservice or anything—look at Winry! Hell, look at me! Anyway, this is the well-being of my brother we're talking about. We might as well sugar coat things. I am seriously not going to be the one to tell him that that thing that used to hang from his pants is a baby dispenser."
"If that's the case, then we'll just have to educate him as swiftly as we can."
They both turned around to face an utterly confused Alphonse.
"So," Roy began, "what have you heard about…ahem, where babies come from?"
Al gazed to the ceiling a little, stroking his iron chin. "Stork?"
Mustang facepalmed. "We have a LOOOOONG way to go."
"Al," the trusty older brother said, "as your sibling, I think it's my job to teach you a new thing everyday. So I think from now on, or at least until I forget (not long), I should tell you about where we all come from and…stuff." Ed scratched his head; he felt like the dorky Biology teacher misusing the word 'testis.'
"Why does it matter?" Al asked. "Can't I just teach myself? Or can you SHOW me…?"
Roy and Ed stared at each other awkwardly. It was homoerotic moments like these that made Ed glad that, well, he could always back-hand Roy across the face when it wasn't work hours. But, in a nutshell, they literally had to choose between introducing the young boy to the wonderful world of self-pleasure or just going down on each other on the spot. But thankfully, both men were bursting with pride, so they wouldn't like some kid take control of them.
"Yeah. A stork."
A/N: For k o u s e n's challenge. Keyword: creation (creation is TOTALLY sex D:). I didn't know what genre the fic had to be in (the other people who joined the challenge usually had romance or angst), so I hope this is alright. It's obvious that Alphonse is the farthest thing from a moron, but, being trapped inside a suit of armor, he doesn't technically grow up in the series. He's still just a little kid, which is what I wanted to show by writing this. Innocent!Al is adorable. So is Fatherly!Roy. C: (And egads, I get no brownie points! o.o)
P.S. The Biology teacher part? Totally refering to my Biology teacher, Mr. Brock. Him saying 'sperm' and 'testis' makes me laugh. So, SO much. His voice sounds all watery when he says them...which is pretty damn disgusting, now that I think about it.