Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: Another chapter for your reading and reviewing pleasure. Thanks for all the reviews and keep the feedback coming.
The two Blacks and two Bones all exchanged looks. The guests looked mortified while the hosts were doing everything in their power not to laugh or give in to the temptation to high-five each other.
Sirius caught Harry's eye and shrugged. "After your accusations of robbing the cradle, can you blame me for shagging such a vivacious cougar?"
Harry winced and translated, "I'm sure that was meant as a compliment, Madame Bones."
Amelia had been taking it as a compliment until Harry had called her Madame and shattered her illusions that the cougar reference didn't have anything to do with her age. She addressed her niece. "This shouldn't be awkward, Susan. You're a grown woman."
"You don't have to tell me twice," Harry agreed before he could stop himself. "Sorry. My mind's been in the gutter since Susan asked for my pants sausage."
"Harry!" Susan exclaimed while checking out Sirius and resisting the impulse to flash her auntie a big thumbs up.
"See? I did it again." Harry said happily.
Amelia found herself fighting a smile. "You did that on purpose, Lord Black."
"Please, call me Harry."
"Amy is fine casually, Harry, but if I ever find out you hurt Susan, I'd prefer that you remember me as the Director of Magical Law Enforcement," she said while calmly flipping through the Daily Prophet. She saw Harry was hesitant to respond. "What is it?"
"Amy, I, umm…" Harry kept his eyes pointed upward. "Susan, you want to tackle this one?"
"Your boobs are coming out, Auntie."
"You don't have to tell me twice," Sirius exclaimed sitting down at the table while Amelia hastily covered up.
The four proceeded to have stilted conversation, awkward silences, and mocking playful barbs back and forth. It started when Sirius passed on the juice and exclaimed he was suddenly in the mood for milk. Amelia then got a cup of coffee and when asked how she took her coffee replied anything but black. Because apparently she tried black and found it unsatisfactory. Harry then passed his eggs and bacon to Sirius deciding it felt like a fresh melon kind of morning. Susan took a second helping of sausage because sometimes one just isn't enough.
Sirius tried a bite of Harry's melon and indicated it was too ripe for him. He claimed he didn't like his melon so freshly plucked, preferring it a bit aged, once it's softer and more flavorful. This was when the tension broke due to the fact that Sirius' mouth was a step ahead of his brain and he kept using the word breast instead of melon among others.
Amelia couldn't take it when Sirius asked her to pass the bacon and the penis.
A couple of frenzied, goodbye shags later and the two Lord Blacks were alone at Grimmauld Place. Harry was giving Sirius an earful in the muggle room.
"What were you thinking?"
"Padfoot! We have lots of stolen goods, including talkative portraits bound to their frames. And you invited the Director of Magical Law Enforcement to spend the night."
"Well you invited her niece."
"Who was a classmate of mine and isn't responsible for arresting us."
"A classmate?" Sirius grinned. "Did you and her ever…?"
"In the old world?" Harry said. "Nope. I never really had the opportunity as she got killed about a year after her aunt, who incidentally got killed about a month after you."
"But you wanted to, with her, right?"
Harry smiled as he fondly recalled, "She was the first girl in my school year."
"The first what?"
"The first girl to sprout," Harry took a deep breath and proudly finished, "jubblies."
"Sarah Morales," Sirius replied instinctively. "She was the first in my year. You never forget your first."
"So in answer to your question, yes," Harry agreed. "I had a bit of a crush on Susan. There were four or five girls in the DA that I may have been watching a bit closer than the other kids. She was definitely one of them."
"Was Ginny one of them?"
"Ginny was a friend I was watching close anyway. But that reminds me," Harry said turning towards Sirius. "Just this morning I was able to shove Ginny's head through the mattress. It was kinda moist and cold but she was solid to me."
"Further proof we're meant to be together," Ginny said appearing just behind Harry.
"Really?" Harry said turning to her. "And here I thought it was so that I could actually smack you all those times I wanted to smack you."
Ginny floated through the couch and rested herself as if she were leaning on Harry's shoulder. "Our little tiffs just make making up that much more fun."
Harry was trying to poke and push Ginny but his hand just passed straight through as normal. "How'd I do that earlier?"
Ginny shrugged. "Accidental necromancy?"
"There's no such thing as accidental necromancy," Harry grumbled. "Don't be ridiculous."
"Says the Soul-Mate-Who-Lived," Sirius added with a grin.
Harry stood up from the couch and grumbled. "I'm going to take a shower. Try not to seduce any high ranking law enforcement officials while I'm gone."
Ginny stayed there on the couch as Harry walked back towards his room. She grinned at Sirius. "He just needs to wash all that Susan off of him."
"I've not seen you in a while Ginny," Sirius replied settling down in the recliner across from her. "Last time we talked you promised me a good story."
"Right," Ginny said shifting her body to lie down on the couch. "A good story. Anything in particular?"
Sirius shrugged. "I remember you mentioning something about a Dennis-slash-Denise?"
"Oh! That is a good story," Ginny smiled thinking back to that day. "This was after Voldemort was killed. Harry had been trying to recreate some of the magic in the Exit and sort of unmade all of his loose ward stones from existence. So he went to Diagon Alley to pick up a bunch of new ward stones and was coming back through the Leaky Cauldron.
"He walked in through the back door and headed for the muggle side when a woman got up from the bar and stood in front of him blocking his path. She leant forward and whispered into his ear that she wanted to ravish him, right now."
Ginny snickered. "Harry examined this dark-haired smoldering woman who he didn't know, realized she was practically in heat, and quickly agreed. She suggested his place, but Harry said no. He turned right around and got a room from Tom there in the Leaky Cauldron."
Ginny repositioned herself and continued. "Those two went at each other like Pureblood Princess Parpie and her betrothed Heir Cleangood, if you know what I mean. Forty-five wet, sticky minutes later they were both exhausted and just lying there on the bed. You know that sweaty time afterwards, where you keep your distance and cool off. Well the woman still hadn't given her name, but it was clear she recognized who Harry was. So while they're just lying there, the alarm on her watch starts beeping and they turn to each other."
"The look of horror on Harry's face was priceless," Ginny preempted. "Because when that watch beeped, it signified it had been an hour and Dennis Creevey's polyjuice was wearing off."
Sirius was quickly cataloging all the different ways to eternally mock Harry for this.
"But even funnier," Ginny said through laughter, "was the look of horror on Dennis' face when Harry Potter didn't turn into his boyfriend Terry Boot."
"I got the whole story from Dennis later on because all he could do right then was to keep apologizing over and over to Harry. Now stick with me on this tale," Ginny assured him, "because it gets even better."
Sirius briefly considered taking notes.
"So what happened was that Dennis and Terry were looking to spice up their relationship and managed to buy a few Harry Potter hairs off the black market. They were actually at the Leaky Cauldron to do a little role-playing. They went into separate bathrooms and while Terry drank a glass of Harry-juice, Dennis downed a glass of a woman who was supposed to be a surprise to Terry."
"Unfortunately when Terry chugged his brew, he turned into a Harry Potter that was lacking a lightning bolt scar. That's why it took him a couple minutes longer in the bathroom. And while Dennis, polyjuiced to look like the waitress who took their picture on their first date, was waiting at the bar, the real Harry Potter just happened to walk in."
"A couple minutes later while Dennis and Harry are putting up silencing charms in the room they rented, Terry has put the finishing touches on a glamour charmed scar for his forehead and is walking out of the bathroom. He looked towards the bar and didn't see any woman who caught his eye. But wouldn't you know it, right then, Terry's aunt walked into the Leaky Cauldron."
"Oh sweet Merlin," Sirius gasped.
Ginny was giggling happily. "Terry, who everyone can plainly see is Harry Potter, walked right up to the woman he assumed was Dennis and said he wanted to ravish her, right then. She didn't want to go back to her place, so Terry went up to Tom and asked for a room. From what I'm told Tom was very impressed and rented 'Harry' another room, just a minute or two after the first one."
"Less than an hour later, Terry's aunt had fallen asleep with the widest, most content smile on her face. Terry's polyjuice then wore off and when his aunt, stayed his aunt, he flipped out. He grabbed all of his stuff and ran out of the room.
"Right in the hallway, Terry's there with his clothes in his arms and he sees Dennis come sprinting out of the room next door. They look at each other and shriek at the same time: I had sex with my aunt! I had sex with Harry Potter!
"Terry and Dennis agreed to never play polyjuice games again," Ginny finished gleefully. "And not two days later, the Quibbler ran a special front page article written by Betty Boot entitled Harry Potter: Greatest Lover Ever. There were enough juicy details to sell-out three re-printings of that issue."
"That could only happen to Harry," Sirius said shaking his head. "But what I don't get is if Dennis and Terry wanted to pretend with Harry polyjuice, why'd they have to complicate things?"
Ginny smiled brightly. "Actually it was at Dennis' insistence. Because, and I quote, 'Harry Potter is the antithesis of gay. He practically oozes heterosexuality.' Which, considering Dennis is the one who had sex with him, is especially ironic."
"I think I've autographed that issue more than the one proclaiming Voldemort's defeat," Harry said from the doorway. He was only wearing flannel pajama bottoms and was towel drying his hair.
Sirius didn't even know where to start rubbing this one in Harry's face. "So is this the real reason you wanted to live with me when you were thirteen? To take advantage of my sexy prison-fed body?"
There was a knock at the front door and Harry turned to go answer it. He reminded Sirius, "Don't forget I can kick your ass."
Harry draped the towel around his neck and opened the front door. "Hello," Harry curiously greeted two people he was not expecting to see. "Can I help you?"
"Lord Black," Peter Potter greeted. "I was hoping to get some opinions on a few political issues, if you or the other Lord Black had any time to talk."
Harry stepped back inviting them in. "Ahh sure. And call me Harry."
"PJ," the Potter Lord reminded. "And this is my great nephew, James."
"Jimmy," Harry greeted shaking the hand of the little brother he never had. "I think that's what Tonks said she calls you when your Dad's not around."
"Can I just say that calling the Ministry a bunch of stupid muggles was beautiful," James Jr. cheered. "It made my week. I saw Weasleys' Wheezes already had some t-shirts for sale with quotes."
Peter put a calming hand on James' shoulder. "If this is a bad time, Harry, we can talk later. Perhaps we could buy you lunch. The other Lord Black too."
Harry looked down and saw he was shirtless. "Oh no it's fine. I just got out of the shower a couple minutes ago. My cloak's going to be soaking in potion for another hour or so. I'm in no hurry."
"Morning Harry," was the call coming from the kitchen.
"Tonks?" Harry asked back. "Is that you?"
"Err… I'm not interrupting you, am I?" Tonks asked quietly when shirtless Harry walked up to her.
"Naw, you're fine. Come on in," Harry smirked. "Say hi to the Potters."
"Oh boy," Tonks said as her eyes widened.
"Relax," Harry assured her. "Your boss isn't one of them."
Tonks looked over Harry's shoulder and to the front entryway. "Jimmy? What are you doing here?"
"Uncle PJ managed to convince Mum it'd be educational," James Jr. said, clearly indicating he couldn't care less if it was educational.
"Sirius," Harry yelled up the stairs. "Get down here and say hi to the Potters."
There was a brief pause before a voice yelled back, "What the hell is up with your luck today?"
Harry firmly believed fate was a fickle bitch just begging to be tempted and wisely said nothing. He turned towards Tonks, James Jr., and Lord Peter Potter and opened his mouth when there was a knock at the front door. "Excuse me," Harry said to them and carefully peered around the door. "Amy. Long time, no see."
"Don't you start with me, Harry," Amelia said as she moved forward to be let inside. "I got one Lord Black notch in my bedpost already this morning. I don't need another."
Harry didn't quite know what to say, as he was certain everyone behind him had heard her clearly. Harry moved out of the way, revealing Peter Potter smiling brightly. Harry's eyes glimmered in amusement. "Come on in, Amy."
Amelia Bones realized it was not just Harry present, but in fact Lord Potter, her Assistant Director's son, and Auror Tonks were all staring at her with grins. Amelia looked resigned as she smiled weakly back. "Oh this is fantastic. Actually, I think I'm beyond caring right now." Amelia just walked past the four others with her head held high. "If you'll excuse me, I need to go find my bra."
"It's okay, Amy," Sirius said from the top of the stairs. "Kreacher!"
The elf appeared as called.
"Madame Bones is looking for her-"
"I'll get it, Master," Kreacher replied, disappearing with a pop.
"I met you," James Jr. said as he recognized Sirius. "You're Lord Black?"
"I wasn't when we met," Sirius replied. "But I am now. PJ?"
Peter shook Sirius' hand and nodded. "I was hoping not to interrupt you guys, but it seems pretty busy around here."
Amelia found herself agreeing and asked, "What are you doing here, Auror Tonks?"
Tonks stopped smiling at the walk of shame and was reminded this scarlet woman was her boss. "I, kind of, ditched Harry last night. I wanted to apologize and find out how his evening went."
Amelia opened her mouth to respond when suddenly there was another knock at the front door. "Lovely."
"Excuse me," Harry said, turning back to answer the door. He once again slowly opened the door, identified the visitor, and greeted loudly, "Susan. Long time, no see."
"Listen Harry," Susan just started explaining. "I don't care if you did bite all the way through. Those are my lucky panties and I want them back."
"Come on in, Susan," Harry echoed his earlier words and moved out of the way to show five more people than she was expecting to see.
"Susan," Harry cleared his throat and introduced, "You remember Sirius, and this is Tonks, and Lord Potter, and Lord Potter's great nephew Jimmy, and of course-"
Susan reddened. "Hi Auntie."
"Good to see you again, Susan," Amelia grinned mirthlessly with a complexion almost as rosy.
"Not awkward at all, right?"
With a pop, Kreacher appeared with a bright blue lacy brassiere. "Your bra, Madame Bones."
Amelia proudly accepted her bra from the house elf. "This is exactly how I pictured my day was going to go."
Tonks smirked at Harry. "So your night, it went okay, it sounds like."
"Hello?" a voice called out, knocking on the open front door. "Anybody home?"
Peter was impressed his second encounter with the Lords Black was proving to be even more entertaining than the first. "James?"
The latest unexpected visitor stopped in surprise. "Uncle Peter?"
"Dad!" James Jr. greeted happily.
"Boss!" Tonks chimed in just because.
"Assistant Director Potter," Harry said evenly.
"You," Sirius greeted coolly.
"Oh stuff it, Sirius," Harry scolded and turned towards the front door. "Something I can help you with, Assistant Director?"
James saw his uncle was smiling brightly, his son was in good spirits, Tonks looked a bit nervous, and his boss was holding a bra and avoiding eye contact. "Have I come at a bad time?"
"Not particularly, no," Harry said before ordering, "Kreacher, fetch Susan's lucky panties please."
Susan just reddened furthered.
"Yes Master," the elf agreed, happy to be helping the pureblood women.
James looked at his uncle and son, asking, "Did you clear this with Lily?"
Peter and James Jr. nodded with certainty.
James glanced over all the faces again and decided to try and coax some information out of Sirius later. He was thinking perhaps when he wouldn't have his family and boss as an audience. "I'll come back some other time."
He turned to leave and was blinded by a sudden magical flash.
"Wait!" A voice from the front steps called out. "Don't waste film. That's not a Lord Black. That's just Potter, an auror."
"The press," Amelia announced, maintaining her unconvincing smile. "This is… this is great. You know, Sirius, you are quickly becoming the biggest mistake of my life that involved multiple orgasms."
"Auntie!" Susan eeped.
"Amelia!" James scolded. "My son is here!"
Tonks sucked in a breath knowing exactly how true that was.
"Lord Black!" A woman called out as she walked in, pushing past James Potter. "I was hoping to interview both or either Lord Black." She looked around the room at all the smiling faces while her photographer followed her in. "Have I come at a bad time?"
"Hello Rita, Bozo," Harry said through clenched teeth.
Rita Skeeter had just licked the tip of a quill and was surprised that not only was she recognized, but also her photographer. "Lord Black?"
Kreacher suddenly appeared with some shiny black torn material. "Your lucky panties, Miss Bones."
Another flash indicated a picture had been taken. Only instead of wasting film on an auror, this time Bozo managed a shot of a shirtless Harry standing by Susan Bones holding her torn black silk panties, while in the background Sirius stood by Amelia Bones holding her bright blue lacy bra.
"Okay, that's it," Harry said taking charge of the situation. "Rita, take your photographer and go before I let the Manor's magic decide what to do with you. Owl us questions or to ask for a time to meet and we'll answer. But never come here uninvited. Assistant Director Potter, I guess we'll see you some other time."
Having achieved a minor reduction in numbers, Harry turned back towards the Bones women. "Might I suggest a floo call in the future?"
Amelia and Susan bid the others goodbye and left through the Blacks' fireplace.
Peter saw Tonks, the two Lord Blacks. and his great nephew were all that remained. "Are your mornings typically this fun?"
"More often than you'd think," Tonks answered for them. "So you knuckleheads going to kick me out too?"
Harry shrugged and turned towards Lord Potter. "You're the one who wanted to talk politics. Any objections?"
"Please," Peter said, waving his hand. "Nothing so formal, anyone you'd like to join us is welcome. I was merely very intrigued after your unique introductions to the Wizengamot yesterday."
"Well I hate to disappoint you PJ," Sirius grinned. "But we're really not very intriguing. Shall we adjourn to the muggle room?"
Peter didn't move as he turned to Harry and warily asked, "You have a room you keep your muggles in?"
"Doesn't everyone?" Harry chuckled. "But that's not the room he's talking about. We just picked up a new muggle home entertainment center and Sirius likes to waste away in front of the telly." Harry noticed Tonks had run quickly after Sirius heading towards the warded room. "Tonks too."
Peter and James Jr. were both impressed by the setup and amused at the way Tonks and Sirius had already turned everything on, hypnotized by the screen.
Kreacher brought them all beverages while Lord Potter inquired about Sirius and Harry's opinions on a variety of issues. Peter informed them his older brother Chuck had married Dorea Black while Sirius and Harry deftly avoided questions about exactly which branch of the family they came from or how the two of them were related. When the conversation turned towards old family history, it was clear Sirius and Harry weren't particularly proud of the Black legacy. Peter recounted some of the more shameful aspects of the Potter line while Sirius named every old Black he could think of that was worthy of their respect.
Harry saw Tonks and James Jr. were as clueless as he was and asked, "You're pretty quiet there, Jimmy. Alright?"
James Jr. nodded. "I don't know much of the history of the Potters. And my Dad's not all that big on tradition or old family politics either, so Uncle PJ's been trying to teach me all the things he doesn't think my Dad will."
"Traditions were made to be broken," Harry said. "Or was that records?"
"I think you used that same argument about hymens the other day," Tonks interjected.
"Yes, well," Harry considered. "I think I tried it with the spirit of weak-willed morons too."
"Can I ask you something kinda personal, Harry?" James Jr. cautiously inquired.
Harry glanced at Tonks to see if she'd been giving anything away and answered. "Ask anything you want. No guarantees on whether I'll answer though."
James Jr. nodded immediately and saw his great uncle and Sirius were deep in conversation. "I can't help but notice you've got a few scars on your body. And I was curious where you got them."
Harry had forgotten he was shirtless still and looked at the scars on his arms and shoulder. "Yeah, the disfiguring ones you want to heal, but if they just look cool and have a decent story behind them, I'll wear 'em proudly. You want to trade some scar stories?"
"I don't know how much I've got to trade. Wait!" James Jr. pulled up his pant leg. "I got this one from when I flew into a tree but that's about it. And… well… I pretty much just told you the story."
"I've got a few," Tonks grinned, tilting her head and showing one she kept hidden on the back of her neck. "But I've been meaning to ask about that shoulder one you got Harry."
Harry looked over at his rough right shoulder and grinned. "You picked a fun one to start. That one's got a happier memory than some. Let's see… this was over a year ago. There's this magical school, a lot like Hogwarts, and the seventh years had a ditch day where a couple dozen of the most troublesome miscreants were all involved in a scavenger hunt. One of the tasks was to locate… someone and get them to do something on the list. A younger brother of a good friend of mine led two of his classmates to my place figuring I'd be good for their hunt. Well, I made them work for it, teasing them with opportunities to win a drink, and when they failed, I'd down the shot of firewhiskey."
"Oh this bodes well," Tonks grinned.
"My tolerance for alcohol wavers every once in a while and before I realized it, I was quite drunk with three kids your age," Harry continued remembering needing a pensieve the next morning to get answers. "Anyways, Hogwarts was a well-known school to those kids and somehow I came up with one of my less than brilliant ideas. I suppose I should add that when I get bored and drunk, my judgment may stray into unhealthy territory. I think I was dared but I might have dared myself, either way the point is, I wanted to test the Hogwarts motto."
"May stray into unhealthy territory?" Peter questioned with a smile, as he and Sirius had stopped to listen to Harry's tale.
"Refresh my memory please," Tonks asked. "Just what is the Hogwarts motto?"
"Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus," Harry answered just as assuredly as if Hermione was quizzing him.
"Never tickle a sleeping dragon." James Jr. was looking at Harry's shoulder reverently. "That's a dragon bite?"
"No, no, not a bite," Harry said running his fingers over the two valleys that had been gashes. "Just a little tail swipe."
"You took students with you to tickle a dragon?" Peter clarified warily.
Harry winced a little. "I was careful. I fitted them all with portkey trigger-buttons. If their thumb let up off the button, the portkey would've taken them away. And besides it was a mammoth old fat dragon anyway." Harry paused and saw that his precautions hadn't earned him any sympathy. "Or at least I'd thought it was."
"What was it?" James Jr. asked enthralled by the story.
"Well, I mean it looked like four rolls of belly fat underneath this snoozing overgrown lizard," Harry explained. "Until I actually flew up to it and began to tickle it. My blurry vision got a lot less blurry and it turned out the four rolls of belly fat were actually four little two meter baby dragons. And one large, perfectly fit, very angry mother dragon nursing.
"I flew out of there, dodging her fireblasts until one of the little guys bit down and managed to get a firm hold of my cape."
"Hang on," Sirius interrupted. " Cape?"
Harry nodded. "Well I looked silly with only a codpiece and a helmet on. The cape made all the difference."
Sirius saw everyone else looked as lost as him. "Continue."
"Anyways, it was the little bugger pulling me down off my broom, and angry mama dragon's tail just glanced off my shoulder sending my flailing into the tree. Before I could hit it, I triggered my own portkey, which triggered all three of the boys' portkeys too."
Harry smiled rubbing his shoulder again. "That's how I got a cool scar and that's how those kids won their scavenger hunt."
"Oh yeah?" Tonks smirked, up for a challenge. She showed off her right shin. "That's from a goblin's scimitar."
"You don't want to play this game with me," Harry argued. "You can cheat and make up all the ones you want. My truth is stranger than your fiction." Harry tapped his forehead, subtly indicating his unbeatable trump card in any game of scar one-upmanship.
Tonks didn't think that one should count. "I wouldn't cheat," Tonks said hefting her elbow in the air. " Griffin paw raked me, right here. What do you got?"
Harry jumped up and bent over, revealing a butt cheek. "Muggle shot me three times after a little dark artifact hunting accidentally burned down a thousand acres of cartel owned land."
"Muggles," Tonks mocked.
Harry showed her the back of his right arm and pointed to a centimeter sized ring. "Basilisk fang."
"There's no way that tiny thing is from a basilisk fang," Tonks insisted. "Unless it was about a half meter long and still teething."
Harry rolled his arm over showing the much larger scarred ring. "That side was the exit wound, and it was about twenty meters and several centuries old."
Peter's eyes widened knowing how poisonous the serpents were in addition to their fatal stare. "You should be dead."
Tonks gulped, misinterpreting his meaning.
Harry poked Tonks with an invisible arm and answered, "A phoenix cried several tears, healing it while I was dizzy from the poison."
"That's bloody awesome!" James Jr. cheered.
"Yeah," Harry agreed before pouting. "But I've still never even seen a nundu."
"I saw one," Tonks triumphantly announced. She weakly added, "Course it was in a cage." She deflated further. "And dying."
Harry looked at the others. "Anyone want to go for a nundu hunt?"
Peter saw how excited his great nephew was and wisely decided, "I think perhaps we've taken up enough of your time, Sirius, Harry."
"That's probably a good idea," Sirius said shaking Peter's hand again. "I may need to put Harry down for his nap."
"Sorry, Lord Potter," Harry formally apologized. "I can only stomach so many reminders of our nation's corrupt wizarding history before I want to go… well, tickle a sleeping dragon. It gives me fresh memories of how exciting and fun the magical world really is."
"No apology necessary, Lord Black," Peter assured him. "I may have had a few flings with a vampire princess in my youth as well."
"Uncle PJ!" James Jr. exclaimed in shock. He started to smile, "Got any pictures?"
Peter steered his great nephew away. "Good day, Lords Black, Miss Tonks-Lupin. We should do this again some time."
They had spent two long days scouting, planning, and settling on a course of action for their next job. The decision had been made and they'd already started the ball rolling with a hidden slow-acting ward-eater. Lord Simmons lived alone and was going to be out of the country for eight days. In Harry's estimation, the primary outer wards would be weak enough by the day after tomorrow to crumble without incident.
With all of their preliminary work done, the two Lord Blacks were wandering Diagon Alley, when they encountered a small but familiar establishment entitled Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes.
Sirius smiled at the window display and walked in first. "How could you not want a custom charmed shirt to say Fuck you all very much? It's my new catchphrase!"
"I'm sorry, Sirius," Harry assured him while looking at the magic interwoven into the expensive t-shirt. He smiled to see 'and your mother twice' on the back of the shirt. "But you're far too old for a catchphrase."
"I am not," Sirius pouted. "You're just jealous my catchphrase is better than yours."
"I consider it my civic duty to piss you off is much too long for a catchphrase, but let's find out which one has been selling better." Harry took Sirius' shirt from him and they walked up to the counter where a Weasley twin was cashing out a customer and wearing a nametag that helpfully said, 'Weasley.'
After the customer finished, Harry and Sirius stepped up. Harry greeted, "Weasley?"
The man looked up as his twin came out from the back room with a sandwich in his hand. Recognition flashed in his eyes as he retorted, "Lord Black?"
"Weasley," Sirius greeted the other twin.
"As much fun as it might be to continue, Fred, George, this is Sirius, and I'm Harry."
"It is indeed very serious," one of the twins agreed.
The other continued, "And I can recommend a good barber if you like." He closed an eye to examine Harry's unruly black hair. "Maybe some landscapers too."
"We have a question for you, Fred," Harry said looking at the twin manning the register.
"How'd you know I'm Fred?" He said with a frown.
Harry grinned. "I didn't because you're not. You're George, and I know that because you would never give up the opportunity to switch places so quickly as to admit to being Fred."
George turned towards Fred who was still eating his sandwich. "He's a slippery one alright."
Fred shrugged and swallowed the bite in his mouth. "Well we are selling shirts off of their quotes."
"And that's what we wanted to ask you about," Sirius jumped in. "Just how much better is Fuck you all very much selling versus that other one that's not really a catchphrase?"
"They're about even as most people buy both. Ten galleons for the pair, six galleons for just one," George answered. "You Lords here to demand a piece of the action?"
Sirius and Harry exchanged a glance and both shook their heads.
"I was wondering," Harry inquired. "Just what sort of magic is on them to justify the cost of six galleons at your limited time only sale price?"
"They're expensive because we had to create our own spell and security on them," Fred answered. "It's based off of muggle charms, where muggles look at magic buildings and see ruins. The spell makes it so people who'd get really offended by the words see only what they'd expect to see."
"Which is usually just a plain t-shirt," George added.
Sirius let out a low whistle. "That's a tasty piece of magic."
"They're not quite foolproof though," George answered pointing towards the front of the store.
A small girl was tugging on her mother's sleeve and asked, "Mummy? Why does that say…" The little girl pulled her mother closer and whispered in her ear.
"Well I never!" the mother huffed and grabbed her daughter leaving the store quickly.
Harry and Sirius turned back around to face the brightly smiling Weasley twins.
"You're obviously doing something right," Sirius grinned. "But with the ability to manufacture clothes like that in addition to all your other wheezes, I'd have thought you'd need a bigger store."
Fred smiled sadly. "Unfortunately we don't have the capital to expand and Gringotts' unsecured loan rates hover right around…"
"Your firstborn and your soul," George finished. "Why? Do the Lords Black have ten thousand galleons they want to loan us?"
Sirius and Harry looked at each other for a moment intermittently smiling and shrugging. Harry turned back, "Maybe."
Fred and George both stiffened and stood a little straighter. "Are you serious?"
Harry slapped a hand over Sirius' widely smiling mouth. "First thing is you never ask that question around this guy. And second…" Harry let go of Sirius' mouth and turned to him. "What's second?"
"Second," Sirius grinned. "I can assure you that we are at a minimum, half-serious."
Fred and George were smiling brightly at Sirius.
"Ah crap," Harry realized and grumbled. "I'm about to be outnumbered and he's got a new catchphrase."
"Give us a few days," George said. "We'll work up a proper business presentation and proposal for you."
"You don't have to do that," Harry said waving them off. "We wouldn't even appreciate a proper business presentation. Tell you what. Give him his t-shirt free, set me up with a few pairs of extendable ears, and we'll buy you guys drinks tonight. We can talk about it then."
"I'll warn you right now," Sirius jumped in. "I'm thinking more along the lines of an investment or partnership than a simple loan. We don't want to buy you out or force our opinions on you, but I think giving us a stake in helping your business to improve will benefit us both."
"The shirt's yours," George quickly agreed.
Fred added, "And I know where we can go and get the drinks for free."
The twins looked at each other and said in unison, "But what are extendable ears?"
Harry blinked having not even considered that they might not have been invented here. "Oops."
Sirius came to Harry's rescue and added, "We'll probably give you some invention ideas even if we don't reach an accord. Now where's this place with free drinks?"
Fred corrected, "They're not free for everybody, but if you're with us, you should be fine. We'll close up a little early and meet you at the Hog's Head in an hour?"
"It's in Hogsmeade," George clarified. "Near the edge of town."
"We know it. See you soon, gentlemen," Sirius agreed and steered Harry on out of the store.
The two men hadn't even gone thirty paces when they were interrupted by one of the slimiest sounding voices around.
"Well, well, well. If it isn't both the Lords Black," Lucius Malfoy drawled, while his wife just stood next to him with a stoic expression. "Two people claiming the same Lordship. That's a bastardization of magic and nobility not seen since the blood traitor to the Black name was… purified twenty-five years ago."
Sirius knew Lucius was just trying to get a rise out of them. "I'm sorry. Am I supposed to know you?"
"Hang on," Harry happily interrupted when Lucius was about to respond. "The over-compensating cane, the hair that has to look more feminine than his wife's, you know this guy. This is that registered sex offender the other Lords kept joking about, Shoeless Towel-boy or something like that."
Lucius was seething but kept up his mask of indifference. "You poor misguided plebeians. You don't have to hide behind such a faux rebellious attitude just to get your names in the paper. After all, the Blacks and Malfoys have been allies for centuries."
Harry got the feeling he detected amusement in Narcissa's eyes. "Allies? Don't you Malfoys consider the word allies a synonym for the people you haven't gotten around to stabbing in the back yet?"
Sirius jumped in and explained to Harry. "He's referring to the part of the Black legacy where you devote yourselves blindly to terrorist organizations. There's nothing like propagating intolerance and bigotry to bring glory and honor to a proud family."
Lucius narrowed his eyes but wasn't going to lose his cool. "If you have no interest in improving the state of affairs and restoring our nation to greatness, perhaps you should go back to whatever hole you two crawled out of," Lucius warned.
"Restoring our nation to greatness?" Sirius retorted. He turned to Harry and asked, "Does he actually mean ideals as dated as that hideous outfit he's wearing?"
"Be nice, Sirius," Harry sarcastically scolded. "You can see the wrinkles on his face, the grey coming in to his hair. At least he can still fit into an old costume like that."
Lucius' eyes flared at the mention of grey hair but held his tongue. "I see tradition and loyalty has truly become lost to the Black family."
"On the contrary, Lord Towel-boy," Sirius retorted happily. "The Blacks will protect their own. It saddens us to think of the horrors Narcissa Black has endured over the years, though it is a comfort to know that you can't teach ignorance."
"No matter how hard your daddy and his wand probably tried," Harry added with a grin while fighting the impulse to smack the smug look off Lucius' face.
Lucius just smiled dangerously. "I was asked some very interesting questions about you, Sirius Black," Lucius said with a knowing grin. "And I suspect you were asked similar questions about me."
"You suspect?" Harry interjected. "He suspects, Sirius. Do you suspect anything?"
"I suspect his crotch is so rotten that even the crabs committed suicide," Sirius answered.
Lucius shook his head. "Boys, boys. Tsk, tsk. Always so quick to hide behind sarcasm. Quite a bit like a Sirius Black I used to know. He died on Halloween begging for mercy from what I hear. It'd be a crying shame for history to repeat itself."
"Says the man who brought up that point once already," Sirius retorted.
"I noticed you sent a representative to the Wizengamot," Harry commented. "You should come yourself. I'd love to see if we couldn't try and resolve our differences with an audience."
Lucius sighed. "I suppose it was a vain hope that either of you could engage in any intelligent conversation." He grabbed Narcissa's hand. "Let us take our leave from the travesty your former family has become."
"We mean it, Narcissa," Sirius called out as they walked away. "We will protect a Black. It requires renouncing any other name or Master, and declaring loyalty to the family. Think about it the next time he curses you."
Harry sighed once the Malfoys were out of earshot. "God I hate that fucker."
Sirius shook his head. "You know growing up, she was only mean to me when she was forced to. Not exactly a bucket of compassion, but her heart wasn't in it. Not sure her heart has ever been in anything."
Harry smirked. "She's as bad as Molly Weasley at being a doting mother."
"I could see that." Sirius agreed and turned to Harry. He made sure he was looking him in the eye, pleading, "After this job, I want to rob that fucker blind."
Harry nodded and sighed. "Me too, but don't set your heart on it just yet. If it's anything like our old world, the wards are tighter than everything this side of Gringotts and Hogwarts."
"I figured," Sirius admitted. "Let's go get drunk now. Get a head start on those Weasley twins."
The pair apparated to Hogsmeade and walked right into the dingy pub, the Hog's Head. A quick glance showed a woman behind the bar and not the Headmaster's brother that Harry had been expecting. His attention was drawn to a smiling blonde woman waving him over to her table. Sirius walked up to the bar while Harry approached the attractive familiar face.
"I've been expecting you," Luna Lovegood greeted Harry.
Harry looked around briefly and saw Sirius was still trying to get the attention of the bartender. "Are you sure it's me you've been expecting?"
Luna shook her head. "No, but I think it is."
"Why were you expecting me?"
Luna tilted her head in the exact same way the Luna of Harry's old dimension did. "You know me, but I don't know you."
"Interesting," Harry commented, unsure how he felt about an alternate Luna but having never doubted the loyalty of the first one.
Luna tilted her back up and earnestly asked, "Perhaps we could discuss it over libations as we collectively contemplate the possibility of intercourse?"
Harry blinked. Then he took a moment to process her meaning and smiled at her. "Okay."
"Harry!" Sirius wheezed out. "Harry help! Man down!"
Harry whipped around and saw Sirius on the floor, with his hands over his crotch. He didn't see any threats but a few that looked like regulars around the bar were chuckling. He ran up to his godfather and asked, "What happened?"
Sirius took one of his hands off his private bits and pointed straight towards the bar and bartender.
Harry jerked up and immediately began to assess the threat. The bartender was a bit short, had a rag tied up covering her black cropped pixie-like hair. A decent chest accentuated by a halter-top and half-folded down apron showed a toned stomach. The most fetching aspect was the pair of thong straps riding up her bare hips. She had more piercings than just about any witch Harry had ever seen, but the twinkle in her eye was way too familiar.
"Holy crap!" Harry blurted out, leaning forward to look closer at her face. "Ginny?"
The bartender's smirk turned into a frown and she slapped her hand down on the bar directly in front of Harry.
Harry wondered what the hell happened to Ginny Weasley and why she was slapping the bar when he felt a steel-toed boot fly up between his legs and slam into his soft tissue.
Harry crumpled to the floor, grabbing his livelihood, and assuming a nearly identical position as Sirius.
Sirius was now laughing in pain but making no move to get up off the floor yet. "That kick lifted you off the ground. That was great."
Harry could only groan, as the bartender walked around the bar and right up to the two men on the floor.
They both rolled onto their backs to look up at her, catching a nice view of some skintight leather shorts. A small kitten tattoo was partially visible on an inside upper thigh that Harry was confident was completely bare on the original Ginny.
She was perfectly aware where both men were staring as she smirked down on them. "The name is Gin and you'd do well to remember that."