Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


CHAPTER SIXTEEN

"Again?" Remus mumbled in his half-conscious and half-drunken state. "You're insatiable."

"Well," Bellatrix said mounting the werewolf for the third time that early morning. "I figure the more shots fired, the better the odds at least one will hit the bullseye."

"I could've sworn I heard you hitting the bullseye a couple times there," Remus mumbled in peaceful enjoyment as his body fell into familiar rhythmic gyrations.

"I don't know if it's true or not," Bellatrix explained as she got comfortable and arched her back, keeping a steady determined pace. "But I heard that orgasms increase the chances of conception. So don't mind my diddling."

Remus' eyes snapped wide open. He looked up and saw Bellatrix's attractive nude form bouncing above him. "Oh god."

He looked down and saw where their hips were joined, creating regular fleshy thwacking sounds. "Oh god."

"Already?" Bellatrix asked, increasing her pace.

Remus slapped his hands over his face. "This is a nightmare. It can't hurt me. It's not real. I just need to focus on waking up. Wake up... Wake up now... Wake up now..."

Bellatrix sighed, but hadn't stopped bouncing up and down on Remus. "I don't know why everybody hates me so much around here."

"You're raping me, right now," Remus snapped, resting his hands on her thighs.

"Don't be so dramatic," Bellatrix chided, shifting her weight forward so she could look him in the eye. All the while her rhythmic bouncing continued. "Besides, do you even want me to stop 'raping' you?"

Remus was meeting her bounces with thrusts of his own. He frowned uncertainly. "I'm a little conflicted on that point."

Bellatrix was grateful she could count on most men to act like the idiots they really were. "You don't feel very conflicted."

"I'm a complex man."

"You feel thick. And meaty."

Remus kept bouncing her in place. "Well… thank you."

Bellatrix nodded civilly. "You're welco-"

"No!" Remus yelled, beginning to come to his senses. "No, no!"

"Dammit," Bellatrix cursed, trying to keep going. "I thought your brain might've been catching up in the race for blood flow."

"Get off of me," Remus said lifting Bellatrix bodily as he hurriedly wiggled away from her and out of the bed. He looked around and realized he was naked, not to mention visibly saluting a superior officer. He grabbed a pillow to temporarily cover himself. "What the hell is going on?"

Bellatrix sensed his confusion. "Were you bewitched?"

"Ohh," Remus said slapping one hand to his forehead while the other held his pillow in place. "Headache. Hangover headache."

"I can think of one good way to lessen the pressure in your head by easing the blood flow."

"No!" Remus snapped back at her. He once again was distracted by the slight sheen of sweat covering her very firm and nude body. "Well, maybe…" Remus shook his head and banged on the side of it. "No! Tell me what's going on."

Bellatrix looked at him curiously. "You really don't-"

Remus eyes' widened in remembrance. "And what the fudge were you saying about conception?"

Bellatrix was about to scold him for interrupting but was distracted. "Fudge? Did you just say fu-"

"You're after my sperm!" Remus gasped and pointed.

Bellatrix gestured airily. "Well, that's kind of the-"

"Hang on," Remus interrupted again. "That doesn't make any sense."

Bellatrix was getting irritated. "Will you stop interrupt-"

"I remember before the first time, you cast charms on your happy place. I assumed they were contraceptive charms," Remus said scratching his head as he was beginning to piece together the reality of this morning.

"Oh so now you rememb-"

"But why would you cast contraceptive charms?" Remus repeated and stopped. He seemed almost hesitant to muse aloud, "Unless you were harvesting my sperm for… later?"

Bellatrix didn't say a word, denying him the opportunity of interrupting her again.

"Don't you have anything to say?"

Bellatrix huffed. "I was under the impression my Lords had selected a father for my child and you were here to fulfill that obligation."

Remus was still feeling the effects of the previous evening's alcohol and when he processed what Bellatrix said, he assumed he was having some sort of hallucination. He stumbled and stuttered his way through a few unfinished thoughts. He decided to disregard her last statement and got back to the simpler matter at hand. "Why are you even in my room?"

Bellatrix looked around the room. "This is my room. You crawled into my bed while I was asleep. When I awoke, you were poking me in the back with that thing."

Remus' breathing was labored, processing his last conscious thoughts before waking up in a sex dream, which turned out to be a lot of sex and not much dream. "But Sirius said," Remus stopped and he jumped back shouting, "SIRIUS! I'm going to kill him."

Bellatrix was leaning against the headboard and had pulled her knees up. "So we're really not going to give it another shot?"

"No!" Remus yelled at her. "I…" He trailed off as he watched Bellatrix slide down the bed, lay on her back and pull her legs up.

Bellatrix was rocking back and forth on her back. She remembered something about utilizing gravity and relaxed muscles to improve the odds when she saw Remus staring at her. "Just trying to help the process along." She saw he wasn't moving but was staring at her naked body. She pointed towards her crotch, "Feel free to jump in, if you want."

Remus could feel a twinge of desire igniting in his stomach. He turned, bending over quickly and vomited all over the floor.

"Now that's just rude," Bellatrix said, still doing her unusual rocking in hopes it would help with conception.

Remus was panting, not even caring that he was spitting on the floor, in an effort to get the taste of bile out of his mouth.

"If you want me to wear a glamour, just say so," Bellatrix offered. "Until I'm pregnant, consider me your penis sheath. Penis glove? Penis holster? Penis pincushion? I think I like sound of sheath best."

Remus was wiping the mess from his mouth and asked, "What did you cast then, if not contraceptive charms?"

"I assumed you'd recognize it," Bellatrix explained from her odd position. "I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, but I'd rather not a werewolf if it can be helped, so that was just a bit of magic ensuring it'd be a daughter."

Remus just stared at her in shock.

"You know," Bellatrix tried to fill the uncomfortable silence, "because your curse is only ever passed on to sons."

"I know that," Remus snapped and exasperatedly scolded, "But that's a dark spell."

Bellatrix resumed her rocking motion. "That I only needed because you're a dark creature."

Remus started to get dressed unable to maintain a conversation with a nude Bellatrix rolling around like a turtle flipped over.

He glanced at her after pulling his shirt over his head. Bellatrix paused a moment and hopefully pointed towards her exposed nether regions, silently inviting him again.

Remus shook his head and left the room as quick as he could. He walked down to Sirius' bedroom and banged hard on the door. "Get out here, Padfoot!"

His sensitive werewolf hearing picked up on movement muffled by a weakened silencing charm, before the door was pulled open, by a half-asleep Sirius Black. "Moony?"

Remus didn't hesitate for a moment or hold back any of his enhanced strength as he landed a sharp right cross to Sirius' temple.

The punch connected with a loud crack and Sirius crumpled to the floor. His mouth was open in silent scream that slowly trickled into a whining, "…aaaAAAHHH!"

Sirius was clutching his head and looked up at Remus.

Remus waited a beat and then started kicking Sirius in the leg. "What," he kicked, "the hell," kicked again, "were," kicked twice, "you," kicked the back of his thigh, "thinking?" He kicked him a little harder as Sirius rolled over exposing asscrack above his pants.

"Harry!" Sirius' voice came out extremely high-pitched. "Help!"

"Harry's not going help y-"

"What's up?" Harry asked perfectly alert, standing right behind Remus.

Remus jumped having not even heard the other Lord Black approach. "Dammit Harry," he said clutching his heart. "Help me kick this idiot."

"I've got company!" Sirius harshly whispered, from his curled fetal position on the floor.

"You smell like puke, Moony. Didn't remember a hangover spell last night, did you?" Harry said distracting him from kicking Sirius. He was looking straight at Remus, waiting on an answer while helping Sirius to his feet.

Remus sniffed the air and winced at his own acrid odor before remembering what he was doing. "I can't believe you did that to me," Remus whispered angrily staring at Sirius.

"You needed to get laid," Sirius argued, in between noticing how bad his own mouth tasted and rubbing his sore jaw. "It was a win-win situation."

"Not with… her," Remus spat out.

Bellatrix had slipped on a robe and was tying the belt, standing about ten feet back of them. "Why does everybody hate me?"

"You," Harry said pointing at Remus. He turned to Bellatrix and finished, "And you?"

Bellatrix nodded rubbing her belly hopefully.

"That's bloody brilliant," Harry cheered, before yelping and grabbing his own shin. "OWW! Dammit Moony!"

"She already used dark magic on our rapebaby!"

Harry had to bite his tongue from suggesting that rapebaby made a good name but the mention of dark magic intrigued him. He looked at Bellatrix. "Gender forcing?"

Bellatrix nodded.

Harry leaned in towards Remus and whispered, "That's what the other you and Tonks did too."

Remus looked back at Harry in disgust. "Why would you tell me that? Why?"

Harry opened his mouth to reply and shut it. "I don't think you'd like any of the answers I'd give to that question." He saw Remus frowning and shrugged sheepishly. "It wouldn't be necessary if you weren't already a dark creature."

"That's exactly what I said," Bellatrix helpfully added, while massaging her lower stomach.

"Great minds skullfuck alike," Sirius mumbled under his breath.

"Is everything okay?" came a feminine voice from inside Sirius' bedroom. She and her twin were wearing identical bathrobes as they joined the crowd in the hallway.

"No!" Harry shouted pointing at the pair. "What are you… How… But…"

"Twins," Sirius exclaimed happily throwing an arm around each girl. "I got them both this time, so no surprises in the morning."

"No," Harry said shaking his head in disbelief.

The girl in Harry's room chose this moment to come out, wrapped in only a robe. "Did I just hear…" She locked eyes with the two women standing behind Sirius and gasped in surprise. "Tracey? Stacey?"

The two identical looking sisters squeaked in surprise at the sight of their also identical looking sister. "Lacey!"

Sirius looked at the girl behind Harry and then back at the two sisters he had assumed were only twins next to him. He whipped his head back and forth, crying out, "Why does this keep happening to us?"

Harry looked back at Lacey and could tell there was no doubt Tracey, Stacey, and Lacey were identical triplets. He turned back and scolded his godfather, "Why did you pick up two girls who looked just like Lacey?"

Sirius was about to defend himself before he fully realized the situation. He started to chuckle victoriously. "I got two, you got one. I win."

Stacey and Tracey were just staring at their sister incredulously. Stacey broke the silence declaring, "But Lacey, you… you're a lesbian!"

Harry felt the young woman inch closer to him for safety.

Tracey scoffed as incredulous as her sister. "And you're a virgin!"

Lacey was blushing as she tried to hide behind Harry, just barely peering over his shoulder. She softly admitted, "A day ago, both of those would have been true."

Harry tried to fight it but his eyes were twinkling.

"Fine," Sirius sighed and admitted, "You win."

"Of course I do," Harry said, thumping Sirius on the shoulder.

"What the fudge is going on here?" Remus snapped, feeling his fury dissipating at the strangeness of the morning and getting really angry that he was less angry.

"Fudge?" Stacey asked curiously. She turned to Tracey, "Does he realize he said fudge?"

"Hey guys," Tonks' voice carried from down the stairs. "Have you seen my dad? I don't think he ever made it home last night."

"Oh fuck me," Remus grumbled quietly to himself.

"Dibs!" Bellatrix called out.

"No!" Remus said pointing forcefully.

"Dad? Is that you?" Tonks called out as she hurried up the rest of the steps. "There you are," she announced taking notice of the crowd forming. "Umm… good morning Harry, Sirius, triplets I don't know."

"Ooh triplets," Bellatrix imagined, keeping a hand over her womb.

"My second favorite death eating aunt," Tonks said glancing coldly at Bellatrix.

"Hang on," Tracey asked. "She's your aunt?"

Tonks and Bellatrix both nodded.

"But Sirius," She turned to the man wrapped around her and her sister. "Last night you said Remus was going to sleep with her?"

"You what?" Tonks asked her rapidly paling adoptive father.

"Hold on, it's not what you think," Remus tried to explain.

Bellatrix helpfully added, "I just want a baby."

"For breakfast?" Tonks asked in confusion.

Bellatrix stomped her foot in a childish show of frustration. "Why does everyone think I'm some kind of monster?"

"Maybe because you're a murderer," Tonks stated unequivocally.

The three triplet sisters were all looking at Bellatrix. She made no attempt to deny it, admitting, "We all have our quirks." She ignored them for only a moment, before arguing, "Oh stop it. You were a lesbian virgin and you two clearly have issues."

Tracey, Stacey, and Lacey all harrumphed in unison.

Remus saw Tonks looking at him in disappointment. He could feel her judging him and he had to resist the impulse to kick Sirius more.

"In fairness," Harry felt like making a half-hearted attempt to mollify the situation. "You were saying he needed to get laid."

Tonks looked at Harry with a frown. "That was so he'd be less irritable. Not because I wanted a little brother."

"If it happens, it'll be a sister for you," Bellatrix assured her.

"Oh a sister?" Tonks repeated. "Well that's okay then, Dad. Why don't you go fuck my murderous aunt a little bit more?"

"Maybe I will," Remus retorted, thinking Tonks was being harsher than necessary.

"Really?" Bellatrix asked.

"No," Remus told her. "Not really."

Bellatrix flashed open her robe.

Remus gulped. "Okay there's a chance."

"Listen Tonks," Harry interjected. "I'm not trying to make excuses for anybody, no matter if they were drunk or desperate enough to sleep with Bellatrix. But really, this is all Sirius' fault." Harry finished pointing both thumbs over his shoulder at his godfather.

"What?" Sirius yelped. "My fault? I'm not the one who came up with Harry's Secret Plan to Get Bellatrix Knocked Up, now am I?"

"Don't you pin this on me," Harry turned to glare at Sirius.

Sirius was fighting back laughter and could see Harry was as amused as he was. "You're the one who told me to get Moony plastered and send him to her room."

"Why you little-" Harry exclaimed as he slammed Sirius to the ground and began to strangle him.

"It was Harry's idea!" Sirius called out as soon as Harry let up.

Harry went back to mock strangling Sirius while using magical arms to pinch him all over.

Sirius was yelping and flopping around like a fish, pinned underneath Harry. "Help! Kreacher!"

Kreacher appeared with a loud pop and grumbled, "Yes, Master?"

Tracey and Stacey who had huddled over by Lacey both shrieked loudly at the appearance of the house elf. They saw no one else present was surprised and began to scream even louder.

"Oh right," Harry said. "Muggles."

"Oops," Sirius added, while still pinned down.

Harry stunned the three triplets quickly, silencing their piercing shrieks. "You should be more careful," Harry said helping Sirius up.

"Enh," Sirius mumbled indecisively. "They were probably going to have to be taken care of anyway."

"I can help with the bodies," Bellatrix offered, finally seeing an opportunity to contribute to the family.

"Oh brilliant," Tonks said rubbing her forehead. "Expanding this family is a wonderful idea."

Sirius and Harry exchanged a pitying look. Sirius explained to Bellatrix, "We're just gonna memory charm them of the things they're not supposed to know." He paused and glanced at the house elf. "Same with Kreacher."

Kreacher looked at Sirius and Harry in fear. "You know how to memory cha-"

"Obliviate," Harry tiredly cast on Kreacher before he could finish the sentence. "Dammit, Sirius. That's another hour you're going to be performing at the park."

Kreacher shook his dazed little head. "Masters?"

"Go back to whatever you were doing, Kreacher," Harry ordered, happy to see the house elf pop away.

"I just wanted to make sure my dad was okay." Tonks was talking to herself. "It's too early for the Harry and Sirius special brand of insanity."

"Is she talking about me?" Bellatrix asked the others uncertainly.

"Hey Harry," Tonks said tilting her head towards him with a rueful grin. "I don't think things could possibly get worse."

"Don't say that!" Harry snapped. "I told you never to say that around me." He stopped and looked around the hallway for any death traps about to be sprung.

After ten seconds of silence, Harry relaxed and let his wand arm fall. "I guess we got lucky that time."

A massive explosion sounded and the entire building shook.

"Dammit," Harry swore and ran down the hall towards the front door. He stuck his head around the window to get a quick view and whipped it back instinctively. He then processed what his eyes saw in that split second. No groups of Death Eaters, nor an angry mob with torches. Just a muggle construction crew tearing down the building across the street.

"Huh," Harry said, moving directly in front of the window to watch the street scene. "It's just the muggles across the way."

The entire group had hurried down the stairs after Harry and they were all crowding around the window now to see the destruction going on.

"How'd they do that?" Sirius was asking while leaning over Harry's shoulder.

Remus and Tonks were on the other side watching as well, while Bellatrix was peering around the edge curiously.

"Hello," Harry said pointing down the street. "Look over there. You can see the dust outlines of a couple of disillusioned blokes."

"What? Where?" Sirius asked curiously.

"I don't see them," Tonks was looking.

"Are they Death Eaters?" Bellatrix asked.

"Probably," Harry answered, still pointing in their direction. "It could be the Ministry or someone else, but my money's on Death Eaters."

Remus was looking where Harry had pointed. "Are they crouching?"

"What are we looking at?"

Harry stopped suddenly having recognized a voice he wasn't expecting to hear. He turned around and couldn't see past the bodies crowding him. "Umm… what are you doing here?"

"I'm trying to see what you're pointing at," she answered sticking her head out. "But Tonks oversized rump is blocking my view."

"Ginny!" Tonks exclaimed moving out of the way.

"Hi Tonks."

Bellatrix curiously looked at the ghost. "I don't believe we've met. Ginny, was it?"

Ginny let out an eep of surprise not noticing there was an uninformed person present. She floated and leaned down towards Harry. "I don't want to alarm you, but Bellatrix is standing right behind you."

Harry glanced at the woman and back to Ginny. He leaned towards the ghost and answered, "I was aware of that fact. But did you realize that she's not deaf and can hear you just fine?"

"Great," Bellatrix grumbled. "Another one who hates me and probably won't tell me why."

"What's she doing here?" Ginny asked at a normal volume while watching the elder woman pout.

"Primarily she wants a baby," Harry calmly answered. "That's why Sirius and I are going to do our best to stick Moony into unavoidably provocative situations with her."

Ginny saw Remus and Tonks both look worried. She smiled and asked, "What kind of situations?"

Sirius shrugged. "Maybe handcuff them both to a couch and cover them in chocolate syrup."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "She's got that pale complexion, so use dark chocolate."

Tonks saw Remus was picturing it as his eyes' widened slightly. She punched him in the chest, "Stop that."

"Could you use a cherry syrup so I can at least pretend it's blood?" Bellatrix suggested.

They all turned to look at her and collectively concluded she wasn't going to be winning any mother-of-the-year awards anytime soon.

"How about this," Remus said as a bright idea came to him. "I'll help Bellatrix out, if she can convince Tonks that it's something I should do."

Bellatrix looked over at Tonks hopefully, trying to get a better measure of the young woman.

Tonks looked away from Bellatrix and got right into her adoptive father's face. She was looking him straight in the eye, not daring to use any magic, but simply trying to get a read on his emotions.

Remus was beginning to get worried as Tonks was staring at him. He suddenly realized she was threatening to hand him over to Bellatrix.

Tonks smirked as she caught the flash of fear in Remus' eye. She looked away and clapped her hands. "Alright then. Go make me a little sister."

Remus was cornered and fought down a whimper at the eager look on Bellatrix's face.

"It's too early in the morning. And now that I know dad's not been taken by Death Eaters," Tonks gave Bellatrix an unwelcome look, "present company excluded, I'm going to go to home and go to bed."

Remus felt ashamed, not knowing Tonks was going to check on him last night.

"Harry," Tonks firmly ordered. "Don't bring a girl home tonight. I've got to work until graveyard's first break, but when I'm off, I am going to ride you raw. Good day."

Tonks apparated away with a pop just as Harry nodded meekly, "Yes, ma'am."

"She added that phrase for my benefit," Remus stated distastefully.

Ginny shrugged. "She could have been trying to give Bellatrix some ideas."

"Is anyone going to fill me in on this new ghost named Ginny?" Bellatrix asked. She saw them all trading looks with no one speaking up. "Fine. I figured as much. Come along, Remus," Bellatrix beckoned. "You've got work to do."

Remus was luckily able to avoid a moral dilemma so far by letting others make his decisions for him. But he felt like he was going to get into even more trouble with his daughter if he did what she told him to do. "It's my day off," Remus begged. "Can't I just come back tonight?"

"You'd prefer to wait," Bellatrix clarified, "until Tonks, your daughter, is in the room down the hall?"

Remus winced and conceded. "Oh fine. Let's get this over with."

Harry and Sirius were left standing by the window, while the building across the street was being demolished. Ginny was floating next to them, "So… slow morning?"

"Want to go see if they're marked Death Eaters?" Harry asked looking at the disillusioned pair.

"Alright," Sirius nodded. "Apparate around the corner."

Ginny just remained floating by the window, knowing Harry hadn't gone far, since he hadn't pulled her with him. She watched as a glamour-covered old woman was being pulled down the street by a hyperactive dog on a leash. The dog was sniffing the air and bounded over near the two hidden wizards. He happily lifted a leg and peed on their disillusioned feet. The dog bounded away around the corner pulling the old lady with him.

Another pop and Sirius and Harry were back in the front room.

"Death Eaters?" Ginny asked.

"Death Eaters," Harry agreed having used a snake to confirm it. "But I get the feeling they're just here to observe."

Sirius nodded. "In which case, I may need to make a habit of peeing on them every day. Sounds like a good way to start the day."

Harry was scratching his head. "Are we forgetting something?"

Sirius looked at Ginny and shrugged.

A number of shrieks sounded from up the stairs. "That's right," Harry said snapping his fingers. "The muggles."

They hurried up the stairs where two of the girls were horrified that they couldn't wake up their sister, and screaming their heads off in response.

Sirius looked at Harry and asked, "You mind if I get the camera, since, I mean, you're already going to be obliviating them…"

"Sirius, that's horrible," Harry said shaking his head in disgust. He paused and nodded, "Okay. Get the camera."


Harry and Tonks were standing across from the three transfigured midgets settling limply into the sofa. Remus was slumped against the right armrest, Kreacher was hanging over the side of the left armrest, and Sirius was slouched down the middle. All three were laboring to catch their breath.

Harry was smiling brightly, even more so when the midgets would frown at him. "It appears you all fell short of the one hour you owed."

"That counts!" Sirius whined in a squeaky nasal voice.

Harry glanced over at Tonks. "What do you think? Was that long enough?"

"I don't know," Tonks said crossing her arms and looking at midget-sized Remus. "How long did it take you to screw my mother's sister—you know, a member of the criminal organization who murdered my mother and father? Did that fall short of an hour? Hmm?"

Bellatrix felt annoyed and proud that her niece could hold a grudge. She mumbled from the doorway, "I said I was sorry."

Remus was panting still and claimed in a charmed high-pitched voice, "Yes, it was definitely under an hour."

"He's lying," Bellatrix chimed in.

"I hate you!" Remus squeaked staring at Bellatrix.

"Oh Merlin," Bellatrix deadpanned. "Someone hates me. What ever shall I do?"

"Alright," Harry interrupted. "Since you failed to complete a full hour-"

"It's not our fault we had to leave!" Sirius complained over Kreacher's quiet whimpering.

"Yeah," Remus agreed. "Blame whichever concerned parent called the police. Don't blame us."

"As I was saying," Harry continued. "We may be willing to give you credit for the hour, if you can at least prove that you've learned from the experience. So tell us," Harry said waving his hand towards Tonks and himself. "What have you learned?"

Sirius was slid back into the couch cushions. He turned his head towards Remus on his right and the surprisingly docile Kreacher on his left. "What?"

"What have you learned?" Harry repeated. "Didn't you learn anything today or do we need to repeat this particular life lesson?"

Remus raised his stubby little midget arm into the air and said, "I've learned why people include the words 'and unusual' in the phrase 'cruel and unusual punishment.'"

"Thank you, Moony," Harry said with a smile. "Now I know you were trying to be a smart-ass, but you did point out something constructive that you learned. Sirius, what about you?"

"I learned," Sirius mused while scratching his disproportionately sized chin. "I learned there's no way in hell midgets can run away on foot, unless they have fences to crawl under."

"Or unless," Remus added, "the pursuers are really tall. Then you can double back by diving between their legs."

"Good point," Sirius applauded. "And I learned accidental midget head butts are another reason you should always wear a protective cup."

"Don't forget giants stubbing their toes and secretly charmed slappable bars. Two more very good arguments for wearing a cup," Harry added while reminiscing past pain. He turned to the quietest midget. "Kreacher, have you learned anything?"

Kreacher was still feeling revolted with his current transfigured form but earnestly answered, "Kreacher learned children cry when he hugs them. And they kick too."

Tonks coughed and explained, "I think the reason they cry has more to with the fact that you kept sneaking up behind them and hugging them unexpectedly."

"And they probably could sense your inherent evil," Sirius added.

"Probably," the house elf nodded. "Kreacher could definitely sense theirs."

Harry asked, "Is that all you learned, Kreacher?"

Kreacher could feel the noose tightening and shook his head. "No Master!"

Harry tilted his head, silently asking Kreacher to elaborate.

Kreacher looked around frantically for help.

Remus felt pity for the house elf and supplied, "Did you learn anything when Sirius tried to jump through the policeman's legs and missed?"

"Yes!" Kreacher cheered happily. "Kreacher learned children laugh when humans get hit in their penis places!"

"Not just children," Harry said with a snicker.

"I wouldn't say 'learned' as much as I reaffirmed what I suspected," Remus said, "in that people do not keep midgets on leashes and take them for walks."

"I think we also learned," Tonks jumped in while giving Harry a scolding look, "that just because you're wearing a glamour, doesn't mean you should introduce yourself by saying, 'Hi, I'm Vernon Dursley. I'm a horrible person and I keep my midget son locked in a cage.'"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Maybe you learned that…"

"Well hang on," Tonks replied, confronting Harry. "What did you learn then?"

"Me?" Harry repeated. He gave it a bit of thought and said, "I learned people get upset when you drop kick a midget." He was shaking his head in surprise, "Even if it's a biter."

Sirius was tugging on the straps across his chest. "I learned that just because you can fit into a toddler's leash harness, doesn't mean it'll be comfortable."

"Oh!" Kreacher raised his hand. "Kreacher learned it's easy to tie a leash in a knot, if Kreacher loops it around Master's neck first."

Sirius frowned at Kreacher. "Don't think I've forgotten about that."

"Kreacher also learned carousels can be magicked to go faster."

Remus grinned. "I suppose I learned that toddler harnesses are strong enough to handle the centrifugal forces of a carousel."

Sirius sighed. "I learned that if you're being dragged on the ground by a magicked carousel, then it's funny to throw up. But only for as long as it takes to make one revolution."

"Yes," Kreacher agreed thinking of another. "Kreacher learned Master had a bacon and bacon sandwich for lunch."

Sirius nodded while scratching his normal sized head on his midget sized body. "And I reckon I learned that I need to chew my food more."

"I learned," Harry said smiling brightly with Tonks, "that sometimes three rolls of film just isn't enough."

"And I learned," Tonks deviously grinned, "how useful disillusioning a pair of omnioculars can be."

"See?" Sirius said. "We all learned a lot. No need to repeat or ever mention this day again."

"Is that it?" Harry asked Tonks who still looked skeptical. He turned back towards the sofa. "Nothing else you guys learned?"

"Kreacher learned Master can be a cruel and vindictive bastard," Kreacher happily supplied.

"I already knew that," Sirius and Remus both said at the same time.

"I don't mean to… belittle you," Harry said, relishing in the staggered groans from everyone other than the confused house elf. "But Kreacher meant it as a compliment."

"Can you change us back now?" Remus begged. "And put an end to the most humiliating experience of my life?"

Tonks scoffed, "You slept with Bellatrix."

"Fine," Remus corrected. "Second most humiliating."

"I'm right here," Bellatrix whined from the door.

The four other humans turned and saw Bellatrix leaning against the doorjamb. After a moment's worth of acknowledgement they turned back towards themselves.

"Besides," Harry said. "You should at least wait until after Monday's Quibbler comes out before deciding on your most humiliating moment." Harry glanced over at Bellatrix and corrected, "Or second most."


Sirius popped the top on a nice cool butterbeer and relaxed back in his recliner. He peered through his omnioculars and saw the heat signatures of two people still at home. He looked over at Harry who appeared to be focusing his eyes on the layers and sets of wards.

"So?" Sirius asked. "You said you'd tell me when we got some down time. What did you see? I know it wasn't just grey mist or you would've told me that this morning."

Harry had taken the animagus potion the night before and it had been every bit as fruitless as his previous attempts. "It was almost all just grey mist. I wish it had been just mist, then maybe I could convince myself it was really an invisible Demiguise."

"You saw something else?" Sirius asked setting his omnioculars down.

Harry shook his head. "Nothing new. It was like the trance McGonagall put me under. And again a blurry figure started to come into focus. It was like I was invisible but could see my reflection."

"Harry's form got killed," Sirius melodiously ridiculed. "Harry's form got killed."

"I woke up before the shape came into focus," Harry said with a shrug. "Could be anyone… but the way it carried itself, it had the same mannerisms as me. It's like it showed up just to ruin my aspirations of a Demiguise form."

Sirius looked through the omnioculars again. "Both are gone. You want to run some diagnostics on the outer wards? Trigger test?"

Harry shook his head. "Let's not rush ourselves and cut out the legwork. They could be back at any time. And I don't want to simply trust the information Bellatrix provided when we can verify it ourselves."

Sirius was scanning through the place with his omnioculars. "When she gets knocked up, let's move her into her own place."

"Why wait?" Harry said feeling an owl trip one of his perimeter wards. He looked up as the owl flew straight toward them.

"We got mail," Harry told Sirius as he looked over the back of his chair.

"Can they get through the Fidelius?"

"We're invisible until it crosses the charm, but it's an owl," Harry replied. "They know where to go by sense, not by sight."

The owl flew down and landed on the back of Harry's chair. He untied the letter and recognized the handwriting on the envelope immediately.

Harry handed the letter to Sirius without opening it. "Can't she pretend I'm a perfectly normal excessively emotional teen who just doesn't want to hear from or talk to his parents?"

"Another letter from Lily?" Sirius asked happily, cracking it open. He slowly read through the short missive and announced, "She's inviting us to Hogwarts. A meal, a tour, access to the world-renowned library? She just doesn't give up, does she?"

Harry looked over at Sirius while remembering one of the things Bellatrix had told him. "Invited us to Hogwarts? You know there are a number of books on warding and animagi in the restricted section."

"You want to go?" Sirius asked in surprise.

"It's not a half bad idea," Harry said indifferently. "And there is one thing I'd like to check."

"You do realize Dumbledore won't leave us alone for a second," Sirius added.

Harry settled back into his recliner. "That's assuming we don't split up. If we split up, one of us can keep Dumbledore busy, while I go and check my thing."

"Subtle, Harry," Sirius tiredly grumbled.

Harry began to weigh the reasons to go to Hogwarts against the reasons to decline the invitation.

"You really think we should go?"

Harry shrugged. "I get the feeling she's going to keep inviting us until we say yes."

"Probably," Sirius agreed. "And afterwards we can hit the Hog's Head and see how Gin is doing."

Harry looked over at Sirius and slowly nodded. "Yeah. Let's go to Hogwarts and have dinner with my… yeah."