"How long is this going to take?"
Chase looked up from the glossy page. "Another twenty minutes. Why?"
House crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his seat, splaying his legs out in front of himself, the very picture of a sullen teenager. "Why don't we just do it?"
It was clear from the tone of his voice that we meant you.
"Because Cuddy finally busted you for letting your fellows do tests they aren't qualified to do."
House sighed and stared at the clock for about half a minute.
Chase turned the page, marking a number at the top corner. "Why don't you just go back to your office and I'll call you when the tests come back."
House sighed again. "What are you doing?"
"By doing what, exactly."
Chase held up the magazine. "Reading. It's Cosmo or something; I found it under a seat."
House leaned forward and snatched the magazine from his hand. "You don't need a pen to read," he said, by way of explanation.
Chase rolled his eyes. "No, really, it's okay. I was done with it."
"You were taking a test," House said, raising his voice to imaginary onlookers, "Can You Get the Man of Your Dreams?" House shook his head. "These magazines are so anti-feminist, I mean, come on, why's it the woman's job to get the man of her dreams. Why doesn't Joe Beergut have to have high self esteem and a hot ass?"
"I'm sure the feminist movement appreciates your support."
"Do you often put yourself out there, taking risks at work and in your personal life?" House read. "I think that's an obvious no."
"What do you know about my personal life?"
"Aside from sexual encounters with dominatrixes and cancer kids, I don't think you have one. Therefore, no."
Chase laced his fingers together and leaned back, a wide you can't embarrass me look splayed across his features.
"Does your OOA…" House stopped. "What's an OOA?"
"Object of affection."
"Does your OOA single you out, negatively or positively, by complaining, teasing or otherwise remarking on your appearance or life choices?"
"Well…" House asked.
"Has your relationship with OOA changed drastically in the last two years, examples include equals to subordinate, subordinate to boss, equal playing field to one of you having upper hand?"
"A few times."
"Does your OOA listen to your ideas and give them undue consideration?"
House made a note.
"Does your OOA express undue interest in your personal life?"
House scowled. "No. That's a no. We've already established you don't have a personal life."
Chase laughed. "If you say so."
"How often do you see your OOA? A. Monthly, B. Weekly, C. Daily, D. Significant amount of day."
House's eyebrows drew together and he stared at the magazine a bit too thoughtfully.
"Well," Chase asked carefully, "what does it say?"
House tossed the magazine at him. "It says you're a loser. Nobody loves you and nobody ever will." He pushed himself out of the chair and went to browbeat test results from a technician.
Chase glanced at the magazine. There weren't any numbers in the score total box. Instead, three letters stood out in an uneven scrawl.
Can You Get The Man Of Your Dreams?