A/n here I am jumping on the band wagon of addiction stories. This is told in first person so I hope it isn't difficult to follow.

I still don't use a beta so all mistakes are mine.

Please heed the rating. This is rated because of thoughts of suicide and for language and JJ/Reid smut.

Also I don't own CM no copyright infringement is intended.

"There's only one bullet in that gun boy." Charles leaps forward with the hunting knife, and I pull the trigger praying the bullet is in the chamber. I didn't have time to check. The gun fires and he falls. I grab the large knife, and throw it to one side.

I lean over this man who has tortured and drugged me. His face is that of Tobias again, and I feel sick. "You killed him? Do you thinks I'll get to see my mama again?" He gaps, with wonder in his eyes, and then he is gone, and I am watching my team mates approach. Hotch helps me to my feet, and I hug him first. "I knew you would understand." I'm almost crying from the pain, and the shock of having to pull the trigger on a mad man, again.

Then JJ is there, and she is hugging me. "I am so sorry," she says. Why is she apologizing, I was the one who left her at the barn, this is my fault. I'm in so much pain, and the need for the drug is so loud that I don't even care that the beautiful woman I love is holding me in her arms. She releases me, and I stumble a bit.

Gideon is there and so is Morgan. I can't hug my brother or my father. I'm afraid they might see the raw desire in my body for the drug, so I stay away even though I see that Morgan is on the verge of tears. I never thought I would see that in him, especially not over me.

Gideon takes my arm to help me walk, and I ask him, "Can I have a second alone?" He turns away, and I go back to Tobias. I kneel be side him and look at his face. Even though I know that Morgan is watching, and my brain is screaming for me not to do this, I reach into his pants pocket, and take out two vials of the drug. I don't want the drug I tell myself, but then I realize that the drug is all that I want.


He's just lying there, not moving, and I can't move or speak either. He's gone, and I'll never be able to make it up to him. I lied you see, I told everyone including Reid ,that I didn't care for him as more than a friend, but I was being dishonest. Does that make me a sinner, like the ones Rafael is punishing? If it does then it should be me in Reids place. He's the innocent one; he's the sweet, kind, and gentle man who never hurt anyone. Why isn't it me?

Wait! Henkel is back, he's doing CPR on Reid. Reid jerks takes a breath and coughs. Oh… thank you God, maybe it isn't too late after all. He asks Reid about the team, how many members are there. He asks Reid to pick one to die. Spencer won't do it. He aims a gun at him, and pulls the trigger. It doesn't fire, no bullet in the chamber.

I ignore the others, and see only the video feed. Reid tells Henkel no repeatedly, and I argue with him in my head. I tell him to choose me. Then Reid says that he chooses Hotch. He says that Hotch is a classic narcissist, that he thinks he's better than everyone else. He quotes a scripture. Hotch leaves the room and I'm wondering if he's angry, or upset with Reid. He isn't, he's just figured out that Reid quoted the Scripture wrong, which he wouldn't do unless it was on purpose. He's in a cemetery, and we have to find out which one it is.

They know where he is. Were going now, we are heading out to an old plantation with a graveyard. I wish that Hotch would drive faster. What if we don't get there in time? What if he's really dead this time? I couldn't stand it; we have to make it on time. I have to have more time to tell him how I really feel about him.

We're finally here. Everyone is walking through the woods when there is a gunshot. Oh God… please don't let it be him? It's not… he's okay. I don't care who sees… I have to hold him, and tell him how sorry I am that he was taken. And he tells me it's alright it wasn't my fault. He's wrong; it was my fault I should've stayed with him.

We're walking away, and I hear him tell Gideon that he needs a second alone. I don't want to take my eyes off him, but now that he is okay, I can walk away just as I have always done. What is the matter with me?


Thank God, I'm home, in my own apartment. No one is here to watch me twenty four seven as they have for the last three days. They all act like leaving me alone would make me disappear or something. I guess Gideon knows about the Dilaudid. They told me in the hospital that I would go through withdrawal, but that it would be over in a few days. They said the hardest part is the mental side. Well… I could've told them that.

I have no intention of continuing to feel the symptoms of withdrawal. Now that I am alone, I can do what I've wanted to do for three days, shoot up like the addict I am, and maybe I'll see my mom again. Maybe she'll come back to me in a good memory just like before.

Maybe this time she'll stay with me. She is the only one that really loved me anyway, the only one that ever accepted me for who I am. I have the vial in my hand. Maybe I'll just fill the syringe, and fade away forever. No one here cares anyway. She doesn't care, not the way I want her to care. I'm too much of a coward to tell her how I love her. I'll just take the last of this vial, and it will be over. I hope I see my mother one more time before all is darkness, and cold.

Now someone is knocking at the door. I'm not going to answer it, they can just go away. Stop knocking, I'm not here. Please just go away. It's her damn it why is she here. I don't want her here. I just want to be left alone


I can't stay away from him. He told us all that he wanted to be alone. I know we crowded him too close in the hospital, but we were all so afraid. I just wanted to be near, because I still couldn't believe he was okay.

I know he's here, where else we he be? Why isn't he answering the door? I knock again, and I call out to him. Why is he ignoring me? Maybe I was right, and he blames me for all of this. But no, the door is opening. He looks horrible - what is happening?

"What do you want JJ?"

"Hello to you to," I say brushing past him and entering the room.

"Make yourself at home why don't you?"

"Thanks I will!"

"That was sarcasm, JJ can't you just go away and leave me alone?" God… I wish she leave me to the needle and oblivion.

"Nope, I am not going to leave until you tell me what's wrong, you have been acting strange for days."

"It called trauma and withdrawal, they kind of mess a guy up!"

"No, there's more to it than that, I know, I can see it in your eyes."

I laugh; the sound is cold and harsh, even to my ears. She glares at me; good she's angry maybe she'll leave.

"You know nothing about me. You've never bothered to try to learn anything except what you see at work, well guess what miss FBI, there is more to me than just what is in my brain. You guys pick, and pick at me till there is nothing left, and I'm tired and sick and I don't care anymore, so please get the hell out of here."

"You know that's not true Spence. We all care about you -"

"Save it okay and leave."

"No I won't go, not while you look the way you look."

"What's wrong with how I look?"

"You look sick Spence… let me help you."

"NO, and stop calling me that!"

"Stop yelling at me, I'm here because I love you." I throw a hand over my mouth; did I just tell him I love him?

"What did you say?" She can't be serious! She's only saying this because she feels sorry for me. Well I won't let her break my heart again.

"Stop it JJ, just leave"

I see the hurt in her eyes, and I am glad. It's about time she experienced the same thing I do every time I look into her eyes, and know that she will never love me.

"Spencer, I don't know why you're acting this way but I want to help you."

"You're just upset because for once in my life I'm standing up for myself. You say you love me, well let's just test that theory shall we." I reach for my messenger bag, and pull out the vials of Dilaudid I put there when she knocked at the door.

"You see this; do you know what it is?"

"Yes, I know what it is."

"Do you know why I have it in my possession?"

"I don't know Spence?"

"I have it because I want it, I need it so badly it's like a thousand ants are crawling across my brain, and I can't think of anything else but the needle. I don't care that you're here. I just want to shoot up. So tell me now, do you still love me?

She doesn't answer me. I knew it, I can see in her eyes that she hates me now, and suddenly through the aching need for the drug, I feel so much shame that I can't look her in the face anymore.

Then a miracle happens. She steps up to me, and places a hand on my cheek. I look into her eyes, and maybe my experience with Tobias opened my eyes, but I see what I have wanted to see for so long in her cornflower blue eyes… Love and complete acceptance. I'm burned by it, I don't want to look at her, but she won't let me look away. She steps close, and I back away because some deep part of me knows what she is going to do, and I don't want this. Another step and I back into the couch. I can't speak, and tell her to stop. She kisses me, and all coherent thought stops.


I can't believe I am doing this, I should stop, and I should call Gideon, and tell him that Spencer is in trouble, but I can't stop. I step up to him, and he backs away till he hit's the couch. Then I'm kissing him, and it doesn't matter anymore. I know that no matter what happens in the next weeks, or months, I won't let him descend into the darkness of addiction.

His hands are on my waist as his mouth opens under mine. He's silent, but his hands convey plenty. They push up the blouse I wear, and his thumbs push up under my bra to brush against my nipples. Ah god - I want him so badly. I'm try to unbutton his shirt, but he stops my hands. He looks at me, his chocolate eyes even darker than normal. The question his eyes ask me make me go instantly wet. I move away from him, and pull my shirt off in a movement that rips it. I don't care; I just want to be with him.

He gets up from the couch, and takes my hand, not speaking at all. He leads me to his bedroom, where he sheds his sweater, and shirt in one smooth motion. He moves back to me, and my arms go around his neck while his hands move down my sides to my hips, and the skirt I wear. I am sucking on his collar bone, and he moans, the first sound he's made since I first kissed him.

"Spencer I -"

"Shh, don't spoil it."

So I'll be quite, well I won't talk! His pants and briefs hit the floor right after my skirt. I step out of my shoes, and push him down on the bed. He tries to talk but I shush him as he did me, his eyes widening when I push my panties to the floor. I grin, and lay down on top of him. I capture on of his nipples in my mouth, and he groans, I can feel his arousal against my thigh, and I begin to slide down his long lean body. He stops me as I reach his hard length.

"JJ… no… please I need to be inside you." His breath is coming in ragged gasps, and I know I had better let him have me the way he wants, before he losses complete control. I slid back up his body, and in one swift movement I straddle him, and begin to move slowly over him.

He cries out, and flips me over onto my back where he pushes into me hard. Oh god… I never thought it would be like this with him. Jesus where did he learn to do this! His mouth possesses mine again, and his tongue dips in, and out of my mouth, as our hands intertwine.

He's not sweet and gentle as I thought he would be, but I don't care, this is like being born, and I'm overwhelmed. Oh God, I'm coming, and it's better than I could've imagined. I cry out his name, and I feel him finish in one long hard spurt inside of me. He cries out my name, and he tells me that he loves me too.


She's sleeping and I feel ashamed. I never meant for this to happen. I only wanted some comfort. Maybe I don't need the Dilaudid. Maybe I should let her help me. Maybe I have to believe in someone instead of wallowing in guilt. As I look down at her, maybe she'll finally be the one to believe in. Please God, let her be the one! I kiss her, and I say another prayer that she'll still be there when I wake up, and that she'll still love me.