A/N: Yeah, I've been a bad puddy tat. I haven't updated in over a month. I have reasons too! I've been busy. School, to-do lists the size of my receipt after manga and anime DVD shopping, and I've been just plain exhausted. Anyway, getting started.
Warnings: OOCness, Jiraiya's a pervert (nothing new), suggestive themes yet they are not severe. XD Hence rated T. And um...I should...really get a life. oO;
Note: Think you're the ultimate writer? Please see my profile under Advertising to see if YOU can handle the 1000 Themes Challenge.
Disclaimer: Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto
by Mint Pizza Queen
"Jiraiya!" The Hokage's eye twitched spasmodically as she waved a thick packet of papers in the man's face. "What the hell is this!?"
The old man shrugged. "Paper?"
Her face contorted with anger. "You know damn well what these are! These are reports of seeing you at the lady's onsen. Do you know what this means?"
Jiraiya looked thoughtful for a moment, and then answered. "I've got to learn not to get caught anymore?"
Tsunade nodded. "Yes, you should--no! No, no, no!" She threw the papers at him and rose from her seat. "It means I have to forbid you from going anywhere near the onsen again! Fool, why couldn't you have taken up a better career, like being a teacher?"
It was the pervert's turn to have his eye twitch.
The old woman nodded. "You're right; you would just up the ante and turn the children into perverts like you. Can't let you have an affect on the future generations." She paused. "Although, I must say, I could be a little late for that."
Jiraiya nodded enthusiastically. "Yup! I taught Naruto all my secret jutsus! My boy will never let me down! He will be following in my footsteps sure enough! Why, the other day I saw him--"
"YOU--" Tsunade foamed at the mouth. "--are in enough trouble as it is. Don't get Naruto into this!"
The white haired man merely shrugged and raised his hands in thought. "All I was going to say was I saw Naruto teaching Sasuke some of the moves the other day, that's all."
The woman froze in mid-rant, finger held aloft as she sifted through her thoughts to commence the conversation once again. "Wait, what moves?"
Jiraiya shrugged. "Looked like he was teaching him my Creeping Peeper move, but it also--"
"YOU NAME THEM!?"
The man stuck a finger in his ear and twisted it. "Ow, I wish you wouldn't shriek in my ear like that." He waited patiently as Tsunade practiced a few of her breathing exercises before continuing. "Yes, milady, I do name them. I use them in my novels, after all. And anyhow, it's a simple technique really. It's almost the same as the spying maneuvers the ANBU use, so it's actually preparing them in the long run."
Tsunade glared. "But it is for the wrong purposes."
"You can never be wrong spying on a sexy naked lady!" Jiraiya jumped up, finger pointed in the air. "I have learned much about the female anatomy thanks to my research. Also thanks to my research, I now know that women have boobs that come in sizes smaller than gargantuan, like yours--"
The Hokage slammed a fist on his head, knocking him to the floor. "You pervert! I only hope you're not dirtying Naruto's mind with all that junk!"
Jiraiya cried. "H-how can you call that junk!?"
The woman's eye twitched. "Tch, we're wandering way off topic here. We were supposed to be discussing your punishment, not your methods of spying." She flicked a wrist and marched back to her desk. "So, what'll it be Jiraiya? Training with Gai's team for a month? Cleaning up the village for a year? Obviously you will be prohibited from going anywhere near the onsen ever again, so what do you propose?" She shuffled through her folders and brought out a pink slip, pen poised for writing.
The old man jumped up and saluted. "I propose that I leave you to your Hokage duties and you forgot that I got caught so I can resume my research at the onsen right now!" He dashed out her door.
Tsunade nodded, failing to realize what just happened. "All right, it'll be that you--" Her eyes opened wide and her mouth hung agape. "Jiraiya! You idiot! You're going to get it!" She silently fumed as she crinkled up the paper and set it ablaze. "Damn that man, I don't want to punish him. Then again, I must--but what, what can I do?"
"Heeeeeeeeey! Old Hag!" Naruto bounced into her office and threw a manila folder at her, before jumping on top of the desk to proceed with his usual antics of lounging and pestering. "Done with the mission! So, Old Hag, find any new skin creams that'll erase those sixty years behind that desk? Hey! I hear that someone found the Fountain of Youth! You'll probably need a lake, but I'm sure we could probably find one for you eventually--"
"You. Brat. Off desk. Now." With a quick flick, she shoved him off the desk--papers and all. As bad as it seemed, the stacks were already unorganized. She would clean up later when no one was bothering her. Her apprentice would help too, Shizune always helped despite the situation.
"Wah, you're so mean!" Naruto poked his head up with false tears running down his face. "I'm telling Jiraiya!"
"Your perverted sensei is in enough trouble as it is." She narrowed her eyes. "But I would be delighted if he would come back, because I still need to punish him. That, and give him a new one for running off during a sentencing."
"Wh-what did he do?"
"He was caught peeping one too many times and the women filed reports against him." Tsunade flicked an eraser off her desk, watching as it bounced off the wall and smacked the blonde on the back of the head.
The blonde, being much too engrossed in hearing about his sensei, didn't notice that he was hit. "So, what is his punishment?"
"He is being banned from the onsen permanently."
Naruto scoffed. "That's been done already like--six times. Each time he just goes back. He's a persistent bugger. He told me that as long as there are pretty naked ladies he will always return to peep."
Tsunade sighed, rubbing at her temples. "What I need is to just ruin the experience for him. You know, scare him up a bit."
The blonde shrugged. "Close the onsen for a day. You want scared, he'll be begging for forgiveness."
"That would hurt their business," Tsunade bit her lip.
Both Tsunade and Naruto hmmed as they pondered what the best course of action would be until Sasuke popped in. "Hey, dobe, what's taking you? All you had to do was drop off the report and leave so we could train." The Uchiha crossed his arms and glared.
Tsunade smiled at Sasuke. "He was helping me with something. I could probably use your help too."
Sasuke waited for her to continue.
"Do you know Jiraiya, Naruto's other sensei?"
"We need to punish him for peeping on the ladies one too many times."
A glint appeared in the Uchiha's eyes that could only be read as mischief. "Oh really…"
Tsunade nodded. "Yes, any ideas?"
"Well, actually, I do."
Naruto and Tsunade exchanged looks, then both eagerly leaned in. "Let's hear it."
"Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go!" Jiraiya did a hop, a skip, and clicked his heels together as he marched onward ho to the woman's bath--notebook in one hand and a pen in the other. "It's going to be a busy, busy, busy day! I can feel it! All because of our little interruption this morning, now I have a full ten minutes to make up for!"
The hermit arrived at his usual spot in a tree outside of the onsen bathing area and perched himself happily. Reaching into a pocket, he pulled out a scope and extended it, gazing through the lens. "Now, where are my hidden inspirations?"
The tubs were empty.
Jiraiya's head shot up. "E-empty!? I-it can't be!" He rechecked and sure enough, his eyes weren't deceiving. The onsen was as empty as Naruto's ramen cupboard after breakfast.
"I-I don't believe it." He slumped against the trunk of the tree with a sigh. "I bet it was her. She's always ruining my fun. Damn her. Damn them all."
The pervert's ear caught the sound of a high pitched voice and was instantly looking back through his scope at the bath. Two girls had arrived, clad in bathing suits and were wrapped lightly in a bath towel. One of the girls was paler than the other, and had mid-length dark hair. The other was slightly tanned and had long blonde hair cascading down her back.
"Yup, I guess so."
"I think it's supposed to be closed."
"Nah, no one has showed up yet. For now, let's just enjoy ourselves." The dark haired girl smiled at her friend before depositing her towel on the pathway and tested the water with a timid foot. "It's nice and warm. Come on!" She entered the bath fully with an excited squeal.
The blonde tilted her head and stared at the water. "Are you sure we should get in? I didn't see anybody--"
"Relax, you worry so much." The bold girl leaned back with her arms resting on the edge of the bath. "You don't know what you're missing out on."
The blonde bit her lip before stepping slowly into the water, allowing herself to sink further into it and settled herself down beside her friend. "It is nice."
Jiraiya giggled at the fact that he had two beauties now to watch for who knew how long. He quickly whipped out his notebook and prepared himself to take notes
The dark-haired girl sighed. "It's getting really warm."
The blonde rolled her eyes. "This is the hot tub. Duh."
The other girl sat up from her slouch. "Damn this suit. I'm feeling very restricted…" She reached behind her back and in one swift motion, removed her bathing suit top.
Jiraiya's eyes popped open and his nose began to dribble a red fluid. His Cheshire cat grin spread across his face and he began to scribble meaningless words like there was no tomorrow, all the while his eyes never left her.
The blonde made a horrified face. "Hey! You can't do that!"
"What no one knows won't hurt them," She smirked and flung her top, coincidentally at the tree.
It caught on a branch just in the hermit's reach, and he grinned with delight. Reaching out with a shaky hand, he carefully plucked it by a strap and held it out in front of him. Putting down his paper, he grabbed the other strap and stretched out the top.
"That was smart, flinging it into a tree." The blonde huffed before stretching out in a lounge. "I'm not going to get it for you."
"You don't have to, I'll just get it myself."
'OH BABY NAKED GIRL! Oh wait, damnit, the bottoms.'
Suddenly, the other half smacked him in the face.
"Aw, much better."
'LOOOORD ON HIIIIIGH, GIIIIVE ME STREEENGTH TO CAAAARRY OOOOOON.'
"I can't believe you!" The dark haired vixen's friend bounded out of the water with a huff. "Stripping in public like that! What if that hermit shows up?"
"I was in the water, and I really don't care, now get back here and chill." The girl frowned at her partner.
The blonde's face was reddened, whether from anger or embarrassment Jiraiya couldn't tell. "Oh! You!" Childishly, she turned so her back was to her friend. Crossing her arms, she pouted.
The dark haired girl scowled. "Don't make me get out of the water and throw you in here."
'Make her get out! Make her get out! MAKE HER GET OUT!' Jiraiya scribbled frantically, pages flying and pen running across the paper quicker than his thoughts could muster.
There was a pause from the blonde, when finally she turned with a sigh. "Fine. I'm coming."
Jiraiya was crestfallen. 'Oh, poo.' He watched as the blonde slowly descended back into the water and settled beside her friend.
The two girls struck up a conversation that was quite disinteresting, so Jiraiya tuned them out for a bit. With a sigh, he decided that it was probably time to stop for the day. It didn't look like the girls were going to do anything else interesting, so perhaps it was time to pack up and--
"You know, this water is kind of hot."
That got his attention. His head whipped around and he quirked an eyebrow curiously.
Instead of throwing her suit as her companion did, the blonde merely slipped off her suit while she was in the water and dropped them casually on the walking area around the bath.
Jiraiya nearly squealed with glee. He held in his excitement and watched them.
"See? Now that wasn't so bad, now was it?"
"Oh hush. I'll probably regret this in an hour or two." The blonde girl suddenly smirked at her friend. "You know, this is getting kind of--boring."
Both Jiraiya and the other girl raised their eyebrows.
"Since nobody is here, and it's just--you know, you and me--why don't we, you know?" She batted her eyelashes as she leaned towards the other girl.
Jiraiya almost suffered a stroke. Keyword here: almost.
The dark haired companion eyed her friend. "Feeling brave now, are we?"
"A slight bout of insanity, that's all. Now," The blonde placed her hand on the back of the girl's head and pushed her closer. "Kiss me, damnit."
'OH MY GOOOOOD!"
That was the last rational thought that Jiraiya had before his brain short-circuited and the two girls started a full-fledged make out session. Pen flying faster than light, he scribbled furiously with blood steadily flowing from his nose. Eyes wide, he watched, wrote, and grinned like a psychotic fool, when suddenly--
"Damnit, these keep getting in the way!"
Jiraiya's heart instantly froze and all movement ceased. There, sitting where the lovely dark haired girl had been before, was Uchiha Sasuke, groping his companion.
'Wait, if that's Sasuke, then that's--'
"OH NO!!" Jiraiya screeched, not caring in the least that the two could hear him. Mouth agape and feeling dizzy from what he had witnessed, Jiraiya attempted to stand on the branch, only to twirl and fall out with a loud crash.
Sasuke and Naruto exchanged amused looks before climbing out of the water.
"Thank you boys so much!" Tsunade beamed at them. "You don't know how much I appreciate the help."
Naruto grinned. "Thank Sasuke-teme, he was the one who thought of it."
Sasuke had a smug expression. "Yeah, well, I've always wanted to try it out, so this was kind of the perfect opportunity."
"Well, it worked marvelously. Just look at the old buffoon." Tsunade pointed smugly at a spazzing Jiraiya as he was carted away on a stretcher.
"OH GOD NO. BAD. BAD IMAGES. My mind is riddled with bad things! The ladies--the dear sweet lovely female is turning MALE. OH GOD NO! HER MELONS GO FLAT! LIKE PANCAKES! NO! Oh, hello Sakura--AH! NO BOOBS! Wait, did you even have any to start?"
"Uh, yeah, this is Shizune speaking. Can someone please locate Rock Lee and bring him to the vicinity? His girlfriend is beating up our patient, and we're not stupid enough to get anywhere near her. Please inform him that this is a code blue and to bring a box of chocolates."