Eddie and Patsy sat on the stairs in front of Eddie's front door, surrounded by bottles of Bolli and cigarette butts.
"I'm bored," Patsy exclaimed. "Why can't we just go in?"
"I've told you!" Eddie replied. "We're waiting for the exerciser… exercis… circumcis… we can't go in because there's a ghost, all right!?"
"I've never seen anything," Patsy said.
"I know what I heard," Eddie said. "There's a ghost in there, banging on the walls. I heard it! There is no other explanation, darling. It's a ghost. Just as well, too - I'll put it in the autobiography. Edina Monsoon, tormented by ghosts. I could get a movie deal out of that, I think."
A taxi pulled up in front of the house and an overweight, middle-aged woman draped in robes and scarves got out.
"Finally," Patsy sighed.
After the woman's taxi pulled away, another took its spot and from this taxi a young priest emerged.
Patsy turned to Eddie.
"Well, I had to be sure," Eddie explained. "New age mixed with old age, you know. I can't be living with a ghost! I can't bear the thought of it watching me dress!"
"Watching you undress is probably what killed it," Patsy said and laughed at her own joke.
Eddie narrowed her eyes and turned to the woman and priest. "About bloody time! I could've been killed by now!"
"The undead can't harm you, dear," the woman told her.
"Then it could have been moving my things all around and I've only just got the house the way I want it!" Eddie exclaimed.
She opened the front door and ushered the woman and priest into the house. She led them to the sitting room. "This is where I heard it dragging its chains about."
"You're being haunted by something from A Christmas Carol?" The priest asked and smiled.
"I am not amused," Eddie said. "I have very important work to be doing, you know. I'm very important! Go on, get to work, get the ghost out."
"Shall we pray?" The priest said.
Patsy rolled her eyes. "Eddie, do we have to be here for this nonsense?"
"No, no, you don't need us, do you?" Eddie asked. "We'll just get in the way. We'll be in the kitchen. It's downstairs, let me know when you've ghost-busted, all right? Come on, Pats."
The pair walked down to the kitchen where Saffy was preparing herself something to eat.
Upon seeing Saffy, Patsy grimaced. "I'd rather be upstairs with the ghost."
"What does she mean?" Saffy asked Eddie. "What ghost?"
"Sweetie, I don't want to frighten you, but the sitting room is haunted," Eddie said. "But don't worry, I've got people upstairs right now doing an exorcism."
"She's the only demon that needs exorcising from this house," Saffy said and nodded at Patsy.
Patsy sneered and poured herself a glass of champagne.
"And why aren't you writing your book?" Saffy asked Eddie. "I thought you were on a tight schedule."
"I am, sweetie, I am, but I can't work with a ghost in the sitting room, can I? But I'm writing it all up here," Eddie said and pointed to her head. "Chapters and chapters of my life, all unfolding up here with clever little lines. My mind is currently home to a best seller, darling."
"Well, at least something's finally up there," Saffy said. "How much is that exorcism costing? The house isn't haunted."
"It is!" Eddie said. "I know what I heard. Clanks and clangs and awful noises coming from the walls while I was trying to write. Bloody inconsiderate ghost we've got."
"Noises coming from the walls? In the sitting room?" Saffy sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "That was the heat turning on, you stupid woman!"
"The heat?" Eddie asked incredulously. "The heat? The heat turning on? Darling, that noise - that noise was… well, I don't think I'm paying them anyway, sweetie. But just a question, are we Catholic? What - What are we? Well, I mean what are you? I'm Buddhist and I've got a priest in the house, is that all right? Will I be a priest in the next life now or something? Darling, what are the rules?"
Saffy sighed again. "I'm going up there and getting those people out of the house."
After Saffy disappeared up the stairs, Patsy said, "Eds, don't worry about coming back as a priest - be worried that you'll come back as her."
"Just as well that there isn't any ghost," Eddie said. "I should finish my book. Get it all on paper, you know. It's due in to the publisher in a few days."
"Oh, you can't work on that today, can you?" Patsy said. "You've barely had anything to eat or drink all day, and you haven't even shopped for God's sakes. You need to go to Harvey Nichols, darling, at least for a little while. Maybe one drink, too?"
"I really should write…"
"Sweetie, one drink isn't going to kill you, and when we're done, you can start writing straight away…"
One Week Later…
Eddie and Patsy came through the front door, both weighed down by shopping bags that were filled to the brim. As they were walking past the sitting room, Patsy stopped.
"What is it?" Eddie asked.
"Heard something in there," Patsy said and jerked her head toward the sitting room door. "Is it a ghost?"
Eddie smiled. "Not a ghost, darling - a ghostwriter. I've paid someone to write my autobiography."
"I know," Eddie said. "He's even worked the ghost into it. The publisher is in love with it, and, darling… some pages have gotten out to studios and I've already been getting offers for it to be turned into a movie. Sweetie, imagine it: When It Rains, Pour a Drink: The Edina Monsoon Story."
"Starring Patsy Stone," Patsy said. "I am quite important in your life, you know. I'd get top billing, of course."
With that, Patsy left for the kitchen.
Eddie shook her head. "Can't even get the lead in the movie of my life based on my autobiography. Bloody typical, isn't it?"
She sighed then went to the kitchen.
A/N: So that was my little experiment to see if I could get into the right place in my mind to write Ab Fab fanfic. I think I can; I'd probably be more willing to take an idea and flesh it out more now. I guess we'll see. What did you think?