A/N: I'm back!
DISCLAIMER: This belongs to Stephenie Meyer, Edward's interpretations are mine, they may be similar to Stephenie's but besides her who really knows? LOL you may recognize some things from eclipse but it made it easier to interpret ANYWHO...on to the story, and dont forget to review!
I was in...there was not even a word to describe it; Heaven could not do it justice, but I felt that was the closest word to it. I could feel her chest rising and falling, her breathing evened out and her heart pacing itself after the work out it had just gone through. Something in the back of my head began to throb as the need to say something grew stronger, clawing its was out.
"By the way," I tried to sound as casual as possible, I wanted her to believe me when I told her. "I'm not leaving you."
Silence. Her unbelief rang though out it. She honestly must have still thought I was going to leave her, the thought made me cringe. Life without Bella again...I fought back a shutter that threatened to tear up my spine.
I lifted my head to look at her, she needed to believe I was being truthful. Our gazes locked as I tried to boar into her mind how serious I was. "I'm not going anywhere." Well that wasn't true completely, I would go places, but not without her at my side. "Not without you. I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you-keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way."
I had thought of other ways. I had thought about pushing her away, acting indifferent to her. I actually had tried that before I had left. But it hurt me to see her hurt. I could never stay and not be with her, it would have torn me apart starting at the core. Perhaps she would have learned to hate me, which stung to think about, and she would have been better off. I however, did not have the strength to do that to her. So leaving had been my only option, as hard enough as it had been, I had thought it would be best. Ha, how wrong I had been! I had run away and left her with danger knocking at her door.
I continued on. "If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted...what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay-thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."
"Don't promise me anything," she whispered. I wished I could read her mind and see what she was thinking. I had just bared my soul to her and told her everything that had happened when I had been being idiotic. It almost made me angry that she still did not believe me.
"You think I'm lying to you now?" I did not know how to get her to believe me.
"No-not lying." She was shaking her head. Oh how I begged to be let in. She seemed to be examining thoughts in her head. "You could mean it...now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"
I flinched, her words taking me back to her birthday. Hearing the thoughts that had gone through Jasper's head in those few moments had been excruciating. Seeing him broken down and beating himself up had been even worse. The thought of almost losing Bella right then had taken the cherry though. I also thought about what she had said before that. I would never change my mind, when my Angel touched me she felt stone, and that's how we vampires are. Everything is set the way it is, and when drastic changes-such as Bella- happen, it is a permanent change; it's set in stone. When you chip a rock, it is forever chipped is it not? Sure you could try and fix the chip, but it never really is.
She continued on, interrupting my thoughts. "It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it? You'll end up doing what you think is right."
I almost laughed. "I'm not as strong as you give me credit for." Didn't she hear me when I had said I was selfish? It didn't matter how wrong it might be, I wanted Bella and now I would never leave her-if that was what she wanted. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time-and not much of it-before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."
"Be serious, please," she grimaced. She had no idea how serious I was. I would get down onto my knees and beg for the next three years straight if she wanted. I would kiss every single one of her ten little toes and do whatever she wanted for the rest of eternity for how serious I was.
I glared, "Oh, I am. Will you please try to hear what I''m telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?" A paused, to gauge her reaction and determine whether or not she was listening to what I had to say.
"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars-points of light and reason." I was going to explain to her how important she was so me and how I could not stand to live without her. "...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
She sat for a moment, seemingly arguing with herself. "Your eyes will adjust," she finally mumbled.
"That's just the problem-they can't" Why did she have to be difficult?
"What about your distractions?"
I laughed to show her how foolish that idea was. "Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the...the agony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone-like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."
"That's funny," she muttered.
What was she talking about? How on earth was that funny? I arched an eyebrow in confusion, "Funny?"
"I meant strange-I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." She inhaled deeply, almost as if to prove her point. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."
I closed my eyes and laid my head back on her chest, listening to her heart again. She had felt that same as I had? Now I felt bad again- not that my guilt would ease up anyways-because then I really, truly did know how she had felt. I felt her cheek press against my hair, her warmth flowing around me.
"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?" A curious note in her voice. Her heart's beating became slightly more wild, throbbing.
"No," i sighed. "That was never a distraction. It was an obligation." I didn't want to talk about Victoria, she made my skin crawl and the venom in my system boil.
"what does that mean?" she asked obviously confused.
"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with..." The thought of Bella last spring made me stop. "Well like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil-and really she came here." I groaned my failure. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worse fears-"
She cut me off. "You were hunting Victoria?" she practically screamed.
Charlie's thoughts were slightly interrupted as his dream was invaded with Bella's partial shriek. It wasn't enough to wake him though, and soon he was snoring away yet again dreaming of the lake outside of town being filled the largest large mouth bass.
"Not well," I answered, getting back on track. I didn't understand why she was upset. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."
"That is...out of the question," she choked out.
"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide but not now, not after-"
"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" she interrupted again. "That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"
I frowned, a snarl building deep within me. I didn't have to track Victoria to kill her. I knew she would be back for Bella, it was to avenge James and she wasn't going to stop until either her or Bella was dead. And it would never be Bella, I vowed to myself.
"I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria" -there was that snarl-"is going to die. Soon."
"Let's not be hasty," she said, doing a poor job trying to hide the panic that so easily rang out in her voice. "Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."
I didn't want to worry her by telling her that Victoria would most likely be back. Our other problems flooded back to mind then. I nodded, my eyes narrowing," It's true. The werewolves are a problem."
She snorted. "I wasn't talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse than a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."
I laughed inside my head. Werewolves were dangerous, temperamental and down right stupid. I refrained from saying anything and instead spoke through my teeth asking,"Really? Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?"
"How about the second greatest?" she asked, something a little off. Instantly I was suspicious, why not the first?
"Alright," I agreed nonetheless, taking what I could get.
She paused, deciding it looked liked. "There are others who are coming to look for me," she finally said, in a whisper.
I sighed, she must be talking about the Volturi. That was nothing to worry about, at least not compared to other things. "The Volturi are only the second greatest?"
"You don't seem that upset about it," she noted.
I was going to have to explain this to her, darling Bella, she forgets the way things are for vampires. "Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days." It was true the ninety years before I had met Bella seemed like just a few months. It was different now that I was with her all the time, she made me think about each individual day, each was a new adventure and time spent with her, something never to be forgotten. I continued on in a light, joking tone,"I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again."
A look of pure horror crossed her face. Uh-oh, had I said something wrong?
A/N: Alright peoples, SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG WAIT!!!!!! My laptop is still not working so I'm just using my mom's. I've had kind of a writer's block on this, while most of it is Stephenie Meyer's idea please understand that some of it is my own, you know trying to interpret Edward and all. But again sorry for the delay i will probably post again soon please PLEASE review and tell me what you think about this, perhaps I should just stop writing? LOL let me know, I LOVE YOU ALL!!