An almost painful tiredness clung to Sano as he stumbled through the door. His limbs ached as he fell down on the heavenly soft sheets of his bed. His eyes slid closed immediately. He'd just endured a particularly tiring day, with an unexpected test included. Then, straight after lessons, he'd rushed off to the High jump. Six hours of intense training later: Here he was. Exhausted.
Sleep hovered over him as he let his mind relax, letting trails of thought travel and develop until… he suddenly found himself pondering the sensitive subject of Mizuki.
The sleep dulled down his senses, it was a strange feeling when he was almost to sleepy to sleep, to tired to move. So he just lay there, eyes closed, sprawled out on his bed, thinking.
I am happy when she is. When she smiles, I smile. When I see tears trickle down her cheeks, I start to worry. I want what's best for her. But at the same time, I want to be near her. I want her to be close to me, I want to be the one who takes care of her, who asks what's wrong, who can pull her into an embrace, I want to be there for her, and I want her to be there for me. I don't think she knows how much I need her here, next to me. I want her to be this close to me for ever – but that's not what's best for her. Is it?
I want her to be here for ever. I want, I want, I want.
I want. I need.
I need her so badly. I need her to be here.
can I feel so many things at once?
How can I feel these emotions that I've never felt before?
How can I even begin to put these thoughts in order?
How am I supposed to live with these things raging inside my heart?
How am I supposed to live without her?
I love her so much.
When she's not here with me, I worry, I can't function, I snap, I break… When she is here with me, I don't know what to do. But it feels better having her here.
When she's with some one else, I can't live, I can't breathe… I need to be the one with his arm around her delicate shoulders, I can't let others do that to her… I can't see her with other men, simply because I want to be that man next to her.
Selfish, greedy, selfish, greedy, want, want, want.
I know I'm acting like a little, jealous child – but that's what I am – that's what this love has made me – it's made me free, it's made me see what I need, it's opened my heart… but it's also made me crave the things I want, I can't be satisfied with what I used to be, I can't just be happy with a few days a week, a few hours a day… I need to be with her all the time… I cherish the time I spend with her, but it flies away from me. I can't seem to catch it, it just keeps trickling away…
I need her here always.
I know it's selfish, I know.
Love has turned me into this little child who knows only two words: 'I want'.
How am I supposed to carry on living when I keep thinking about her, keep wanting to throw my arms around her, keep wanting to pull her closer to me, keep wanting to hurt any body who hurts her, keep wanting to make her smile… It's crazy.
And why can't she see? These emotions are always there… and yet… she still hasn't any idea how selfish, how horrible, how in love I am.
Every one else can see them, every one else knows… Every one can see my love but her.
She's wonderful. She's the most innocent, ignorant, oblivious, trusting, childish person I've every met, and I love her. She some how sees the good in every one, which lands her in so much trouble… Always getting into arguments, fights and friendships. It's impossible not to love her.
Her moods and emotions are always so close to the surface, she's so easy to read. She has a different smile for every mood, she has so many expressions, so many sides of her, and she's not afraid to show them. She can be so open, so relaxed – then she can be so distant… When I see her tears, I feel like I could be the one with the sorrow filled tears streaming down my face, when she smiles, it's impossible not to feel somewhat happier.
I can see why so many people love her. I can't see how any one could not adore her… and there's that problem again – I wish other people didn't love her… - there I go again, selfish, selfish, selfish. But I simply can't help it. I couldn't imagine not having these feelings…
I'm a completely different person because of her.
I wouldn't be so open, I wouldn't know how to handle any thing. I'm a better person because of her.
If I picture myself before I met her, before I developed these feelings for her… My worries and problems seem so petty now, compared to all my worries now.
I love her.
I love her so much.
But she has no idea.
What if I were to break this taboo? I can't help but wonder… What if I said all these things that, at the moment, are imprisoned in my head? What if I were to just… say all these things… 'I love you'… Three simple words that sum up all of my feelings… three simple words that I can't seem to bring myself to say. 'I love you'; they sound so easy in my head…
But if I were to say those words, I know our 'relationship' would never be the same again. It would either blossom into the dream I've been playing in my head for so long… or it would break, it would snap, it would become awkward and cold… become the nightmare.
Which way would life go?
Which route would fate decide to turn?
Will I ever even say those words to her? Would I ever manage to sum up the courage? Or will I just let life carry on like it is?
It's not bad at the moment – the way I'm thinking portrays the way of life at the moment as being some sort of terrible, blackened tapestry in which I can't spend a single second with her…
No, that's not it at all – In fact, it's lovely, it's heaven… We share a room, we're close, we're there for each other, we're best friends…
But that's another problem – I spend so much time with her, that, if I were ever separated from her… I don't know what I'd do. I'm spoilt. But I can't stop myself wanting more.
We're together so much… and all the time, it's so tempting to just wrap my arms around her and kiss her… but I can't.
She pretends to be some thing else, and that thing that she pretends; it keeps her close to me.
If any one else were to find out her secret, then she'd be snatched away from me…
And I can't tell her my feelings, my secrets, because then I'll have to confess that I know her secret… and then she might have to go away… I can't take that risk. Ever… But I want to so much, I want to be able to kiss her without having to think about it.
But I can't…
It would mean putting an end to what ever life we lead at the moment.
Or it could mean creating a beautiful, new relationship that I yearn for…
But she seems to think that if any one finds out her secret, it would mean she would have to go away…
Our relationship at the moment is so open, she tells me her worries, and she asks me to confide my worries in her.
But underneath the happy, joyful life… We both have so many secrets that we hide from each other…
It hurts to think that she thinks she can't trust me with her secret.
But I know she's doing it because she wants to be here.
And there's always the risk that it'll develop into unrequited love. She might not feel any thing for me…
But she's done so many things for me, she's crossed oceans, she's fought my battles, she's defended me, she gently pushed me into taking back the things I used to love, she's made my life a life worth living…
But it could turn out that she thinks of me as a best friend… But… But…
I said she's easy to read…
But she's not.
She's so deep – I can see her emotions on the surface, but underneath all that, underneath the mask, there could be love, friendship… there could be many more secrets lurking beneath the mask.
It hurts to think these things.
I love her so much, I don't see how she can't see it, I don't know how long I can hide it from her.
Compassionate, innocent, lovely… utterly wonderful, completely beautiful in every single sense of the word. She sees light in every thing, optimistic, fantastic, astounding, staggering, breath taking, remarkable, awe-inspiring, magnificent, angelic, dazzling, delicate, confident, delightful, divine, enchanting, upbeat, captivating, stubborn, childish, funny… wonderful.
The way the light catches her, framing her in an angelic halo of beauty… her smooth, perfect skin, those sparkling eyes, her slender figure, her upbeat grin.
I love her so, so much.
I need her by me.
I want her to stay.
I love her.
I felt my mind relax, let go…
That voice… I felt my lips awaken in a smile. That voice, her voice. Always echoing inside my head, never leaving me. I never want it to go.
It's her voice. Hers. I need it here, in my head, I can never let it go.
I heard her soft giggle, the one that she used when she thought she was alone, or the one when she truly happy… It felt good to hear her so happy… My smile widened.
I could picture her in my head, she was smiling, her soft hair rimmed in an angelic ring of sunlight blaring in from the open window as the summer sun set behind the hills. Beautiful… Her head was tilted slightly to the left as her giggle sounded again. She was changed out of her school uniform, wearing one of her outfits that made me worried; the jumper that clung to her slim frame, and the shorts… I'm still amazed no one else has found out her secret, when she parades her long, feminine legs like that, the way she talks, her hair, her eyes… Just… her... That was why I needed to protect her from every one, I didn't want her to leave… I had to make sure that no one else found out, that she was always protected… But I couldn't do that if she wasn't by my side… She was smiling widely.
The picture of happiness. Even if it was inside my head, it was still beautiful. She was beautiful.
She was smiling, her eyes wide, sitting on the side of my bed while the sunlight streamed through the window.
…She looked so real… I could almost touch her…
Mizuki giggled as she plonked herself down on Sano's bed. Poor thing – he looked really tired… Well; who wouldn't be sleepy after a hard day at school, then another six or so hours of hard high jump training? It was still slightly amusing though; to see Sano sprawled out on his bed, fully clothed, and fast asleep.
jumped in surprise slightly as she noticed Sano's dark eyes were
half open, though it was plain he was still asleep.
Mizuki grinned, leaning closer to the boy, a light blush fluttering over her face, "Sano! Time to get up! I brought you up some food!" She grinned, "You must be hungry," She smiled, leaning a little closer, "Hey! Sano! Wake up!"
I could feel her warm breath on my face…
This daydream was the one closest to reality I'd ever had.
I reached out, my hand brushing against her cheek. Her smooth, delicate skin was perfect. I smiled.
"Mizuki…" I heard myself whisper.
Mizuki's face flushed bright red, and she jerked up, away from Sano – but he didn't seem to notice. In fact, his smile widened and he whispered her name.
Her heart was pounding, head reeling, palms clammy. "S-S-S-Sano!" She stuttered, "S-Sano, w-w-wake up!!"
Mizuki couldn't help but smile, this was the first time she'd seen Sano like this.
"Mizuki…" Sano moaned again, rolling over in his sleep, "Mizuki... n…never leave… okay?"
"O-Okay..." She felt her lips curl into a bright smile as she watched Sano sleep.
Sorry for posting this fanfiction up, it's my first attempt at a Hana kimi fanfiction and i don't know what i was really thinking when I wrote this... I just... I dunno, I started thinking it would just be a monologue or some thing, just some one thinking about the person they love, then... I started thinking about Hana kimi and started to base it slightly on Sano and Mizuki's relationship... and in the manga, it always seemed like Mizuki was the one sleep talking and stuff, so i thought it'd be cute if Sano did it, too : )
Sorry if i seemed repeatitive or stupid or out of character or any thing... And i'm really sorry about the ending! Ah! I have no idea how to finish it... So... Yeah...
I think this is a oneshot, just a little drabble about Sano's thoughts and stuff, but if you like it, please say and i'll carry it on or some thing, 'kay? xXx
Please leave a review on your way out! I'd love to know what you think of it!
THANK YOU FOR READING!! xXx