A/N: Yes, this is THE 99 Ways to Piss Snape Off, also known as Annoying Professor Snape. Yes, it has been forever and a day since I've updated. Yes, I do know it was taken down from (I was the one who took it down...). And yes, I do realize many of those who began reading this fic will have moved on. But hopefully there will be new readers to enjoy this crazy little story.
Also, I know the first chapters aren't that great; I started the writing for this story 5 years ago, when I was 14. So, bear with me. I also realize Hermione's reasons for taking on The Challenge aren't that great. Like I said, I was 14. I'm going through and fixing up small mistakes; little things that don't sound right, don't quite make sense, etc. Some dialogue is being spruced up, being made more believable; some of Hermione's motives are being updated, so that it's more believable. So, if some stuff is different from what you remember... That's why.
And yes, I do realize this entire story is completely out of character; that's the fun part! Please keep in mind that this story is AU, and please disregard the events of Half-Blood Prince while reading this. While there are references to Order of the Phoenix, some stuff will not add up. Don't try and make sense of it, that will just give you a headache. Also, don't complain that Hermione/Snape/McGonagall/whoever would never act this way in 'real life'. I understand that.
Disclaimers: The list is not mine. I have been emailed by many people who claimed to have created the 'original' list. The truth is, I don't know who the original creator of The List is. I don't think I will ever know, since I have no way to verify all the claims I've received. Not to mention that almost all the lists are different; some have 101, some 303, and I believe there's one with 404. The tasks vary, list to list. Suffice it to say that I am not the author of The List; I am merely using it as a basis for this fic. Thanks again.
Annoying Professor Snape
Chapter 1: The Insane Grin and Long Owl
Task 1: Grin insanely throughout each and every potions class.
Duration: One week.
Task 2: Owl him a long and detailed account of your summer holidays.
"Miss Granger!" barked Professor Snape. "Wipe that idiotic grin off of your face and get to work this instant!"
The witch in question just sat there, seemingly unable to hear him, grinning insanely as though he were the funniest thing in the world.
In reality, Hermione Granger was grinning on purpose. Yes, she was purposely grinning like a moron in Snape's Potions class. Frankly, the very idea was unheard of because Snape was, at the best of times, described as being 'a tad insufferable, slightly arrogant, a trifle bit infuriating, with a bit of a temper'; at the worst of times he was... well, a range of things not to be mentioned in front of anyone under twelve years of age.
Hermione, of course, knew all this; everyone who had been at Hogwarts for more than two weeks knew that. But, despite his reputation, Hermione had done the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the impossible: she had made a bet to do "ninety-nine things to piss Snape off" as her fellow Gryffindors put it.
It had all started out as a game, something funny to ponder at the end of their sixth year. They had been on their way to the Hogwarts Express, Harry, Ron, Lavender, Parvati, Ginny and her, when Ron, as a joke, had mentioned something about Snape. Hermione, thinking of all the studying she would have to do that summer in order to pass her N.E.W.T.'s, hadn't really been paying attention, so she wasn't sure what exactly started the whole thing, but she sure remembered the rest of the conversation.
They were in the train, and had a compartment to themselves.
"Oh, can you imagine the look on Snape's face if someone actually did that?" Harry had laughed.
"Did what?" Hermione had asked, breaking out of her reverie.
"If anyone owled him a long and detailed account of their summer vacation!" Parvati squealed.
Hermione snickered, "As if anyone would be fool enough to do that!"
"I know," Ginny giggled, "they would have to be mad!"
"Well, I don't know Gin," Ron was still laughing, "There are a few things I can think of that would be funnier…"
So they had made up a list of ninety-nine ways to piss Snape off—and had laughed the whole trip.
"Too bad we can't actually put these to good use," Lavender sighed.
"Well…" Parvati said, looking at Hermione.
"Me?" she had squeaked. "No way, not me! He'd skin me alive!"
"Aww, come one, it would be hilarious!" Ron had laughed.
"It would be fun…" Ginny had added.
"Tons of fun! Barrels and oodles and truckloads of fun!" Harry had added playfully, green eyes sparkling.
"It could be interesting…" Hermione had admitted.
"So you'll do it, right?" Parvati asked.
"Are you serious?" Hermione asked. "You are, I can tell! Why me?"
"Because you're the bravest," Ron said.
"The smartest," added Parvati.
"The only one able to pull this off," Harry added.
"Without actually getting in trouble," added Lavender.
"You are the only one who would be able to pull this off…" Ginny added, a mischievous glint in her eye.
"You're smart enough to think of ways to do these things without getting suspended, you'll probably be able to get away without any detentions, you're going to be Head Girl next year, and you're the only one crazy enough to actually pull this off without getting hexed out of existence by Snape," Ginny said.
"Besides," Parvati added, "You've worked hard your whole life, Hermione. Voldemort is gone," she continued, without so much as a stutter over using Voldemort's name, "and it's time we had some fun. Time you had some fun. Think about it."
"Parvati is right," Ginny chimed in. "All the horrors are over; next year will be your last year at Hogwarts. Why not make it memorable?"
Hermione looked at the group, her expression thoughtful. They had a point; Hermione had worked hard during her years at Hogwarts. Now that the war was finally over, the majority of the wizarding world felt like a weight had been lifted from their collective shoulders. Yes, there had been parties and celebrations but she had been to busy focussing on schoolwork. On the one hand, her seventh year meant N.E.W.T.'s, which should mean a lot of studying and late nights in the library. On the other hand... Parvati was right. She had spent her life working hard and she could do with having a little fun. Besides, it wasn't as if she couldn't pass her N.E.W.T.'s right now, if she had to.
That decided it; she would hardly neglect her schoolwork, but some fun could hardly hurt.
"I'll do it."
"You're serious?" Ron asked, his eyes wide.
"Yes, I am. Parvati and Ginny are right: why go through the effort of winning the war if I can't enjoy the freedom it brings? As long as it doesn't interfere with schoolwork, endanger anyone, or threaten to get me expelled...I'll do it." She looked sternly at each of her friends. "But know this: If I go down, I'm taking you down with me. Agreed?"
"Agreed!" they all said and shook hands with each other.
Hermione was jolted back to the present when Snape, still berating her, yelled out her name. She was still grinning, which was the first task: Grin insanely throughout each and every potions class for a week. This was her last day.
"Miss Granger! Stop that insane grinning this instant! What on Earth is the matter with you? You have been smiling in this class for a week!" So, he had noticed, she thought. He hadn't said anything until today, making her wonder if he even paid attention to his students when not deducting house points.
" I will not permit it!" he continued. "You will not smile like a lunatic in my class. No one should smile at all in my class! I am not here for your amusement! In fact, there is a new policy: I forbid smiling! I forbid it! There will be no smiling within 10 meters of this classroom! None whatsoever!"
She was still smiling.
Snape narrowed his eyes, glaring at Hermione. "Fine. Grin all you want. Twenty five points from Gryffindor! Still feel like smiling?"
"What for?!" Harry shouted, standing up suddenly.
"For...For," Snape seemed to falter; even he couldn't get away with deducting points merely because a student was smiling. "For failing to treat Potions as the serious subject it is." He smiled cruelly at the class (well, the Gryffindor side of it, anyway), before growling, "Now get out!"
Hermione continued to grin until they were out of Snape's vision, Harry and Ron fuming over the loss of points. She had hoped he wouldn't take so many points, but it wasn't as if she wouldn't earn them all back in their next class, Charms. When she said as much to them, they agreed with her and reluctantly stopped planning Snape's demise.
"Did he say anything about your owl?" Lavender asked.
That had been task two. On the second day of school, the day after task one had been assigned, she had been told to 'Owl him a long and detailed account' of her summer holidays.
She had gone on and on about everything she could think of. She had made sure to make it as wordy as possible; it had been practically two feet of parchment. It had talked of going to Scotland with her parents, meeting a boy there (although she left out some of the more personal details), about how cute he was, and how much her parents liked him, about her stay at the Burrow and how nice the Weasleys were, how great Harry was (she made sure to go on and on about Harry, knowing Snape's feelings towards him), what such good friends Ron, Harry, and Ginny were, about the books she had picked up in Diagon Alley, her favorite topic in school… It was long and detailed; she only wished she could have seen his face as he realized what it was.
"No, of course he didn't. What would he have said?" Imitating Snape she added, "Everyone, open your texts to page seven and read up on the Pepper Up Potion and then prepare the potion. By the way Miss Granger, I received your owl and wanted to thank you for providing me with some lovely summer reading. I will, of course, respond to you with tales of my summer when I have the chance." She snorted. "Really Lavender, as if he would even admit he received post from me, let alone discuss it with me!"
They all headed to Charms, laughing merrily.
Two down, ninety-seven to go, Hermione thought. Her next task: Look terrified and leave the hall anytime he picks up his spoon at mealtimes. Duration: Three days.
And I thought seventh year would be fun…
To Be Continued...