Summary: Funny, Little Britain inspired Harry Potter oneshot. A television report covers the shocking events that occurred in the seemingly sleepy village of Hogsmeade. Spoilers for Half Blood Prince ending afoot. Slight OOC for fun.
Disclaimer: The Harry Potter character names are owned by J.K Rowling and Warner Bros. The character Vicky Pollard upon which the Pansy Parkinson characterisation is based owned by Matt Lucas and David Walliams.
This was originally a script-based piece of writing I had done in one of my light-hearted moments, and I found it browsing through some old notebooks. Thus I tried to make it as fluid and story-like as possible. Fans of the British comedy show Little Britain should appreciate it more than most, but I still think it's pretty funny… Uhh… enjoy!
"Shock in a small Scottish village as an elderly man is brutally murdered," the TV report began.
Jock Henson, the most senior anchor at Scotland Today, stared solemnly at the cue screen next to the camera lens. He began to read the sad report.
"The quaint Scottish village of Hogsmeade, just thirty miles outside of Aberdeen was yesterday the scene of a horrific and strange death. The body of elderly eccentric, Albus Dumbledore, was recovered from the nearby castle ruins. Lucy Campbell reports."
"A tiny unassuming village in the heart of the Scottish countryside; a picture of peace and tranquillity, and never the sort of place connected to such a brutal killing," Lucy's voice-over started.
"One hundred and eighty-four year old Albus Dumbledore, said by friends to be full of life despite his age, was known to Madam Rosmerta, the landlady of local pub The Three Broomsticks as a mild mannered, friendly old man who wouldn't have hurt a fly. She is baffled as to why Dumbledore was found dead in the grounds of a nearby derelict castle."
Madam Rosmerta, the landlady of The Three Broomsticks, the pub favourite with the Hogwarts students (though Lucy, the ignorant Muggle reporter didn't know this), told Lucy:
"This is such a terrible loss for the local community. He did so much for the village, and always had a kind word for anyone who'd pass his way. I'm just… I can't believe he's gone…" She broke down into tears.
"Cut," called Lucy, reaching to embrace and comfort the distraught publican as the camera operator complied with his boss' wishes.
After Madam Rosmerta had been comforted with plenty of tissues, and a bottle or two of Butterbeer, Lucy continued her report, and found another quarry, a rather morose girl called Pansy Parkinson, who had witnessed the old man's death, as had many of the youngsters. Why a large group of teenagers would have been in the presence of such an unnaturally elderly gentleman was a mystery to her. Nevertheless, she made another voice-over about the horrifying issue at hand.
"Investigating officers do not know what Mr. Dumbledore was doing before being found dead by the unsafe building, but a number of young witnesses gathered near the scene are being questioned."
"So Pansy," Lucy asked, as the camera focussed on the hard-faced Slytherin girl, who had been hastily made up at the request of the director. "Please tell us about the tragic death of Dumbledore."
Pansy was rudely indignant. "I never knew nothing about nothing or nothin' so shut up, you don't know what you're talking about!" she snorted. "Anyway Gregory said that Ron fingered Hermione round the back of the greenhouses but Blaise said he couldn't have because Ron's queer with Harry. Anyway don't listen to him because his mum's a slag."
Lucy, standing behind the camera, clutched at her microphone and rolled her eyes. "Yes, but do you know anything about Dumbledore's death?" she questioned.
"Oh my God, I so can't believe you just said that!" Pansy drawled, eyes wide in mock horror. "Draco said he was going to kill him 'cos he got his dad in prison and he completely had an eppy because his dad never done nothin' or nothin'. Anyway Neville said that Snape put the Death Curse on him but you know Nicki?"
"Nikki?" Lucy asked, intrigued. "Who's that?"
"Shut up!" Pansy spat "Nikki ain't got nothin' to do with it anyway so leave her out of it! God! Stop gettin' involved! Anyway, don't listen to her because she got cold sores off Dean Thomas."
Lucy sighed, exasperated. "Look," she said, rapidly losing patience. "Do you know who killed Dumbledore?"
"Yeah, but no, but yeah…" Pansy stammered evasively," "…but no but yeah but no but…" Noticing the coldness of Lucy's stare, Pansy finished. "It was Snape, he did it."
"Hmm, interesting," Lucy considered, off camera.
"Witnesses say that an alleged friend of Dumbledore's, thirty-nine year old Severus Snape, of Spinner's End, Manchester, was spotted fleeing the scene. The public are warned that Snape should be considered highly dangerous and must not be approached."
"In the meantime, bereft villagers are asking the media and tourists to leave them in peace after the funeral of this much loved local, whose funeral takes place on Friday."
Lucy breathed a silent sigh of relief. No longer would she have to stay here. Quaint as Hogsmeade was, there was something not quite right about it. Apart from the old man seeming to be in charge of a number of teenagers, none of whom were local, in an old stone building that should have been scheduled for demolition, were it not a listed building protected by the National Trust of Scotland, his age surprised and puzzled her, she was sure there had been a typing error in the copy. But Dan, the editor, assured her that the age was accurate. She shook her head, suspecting the involvement of some weird cult, which made her want to get out of the otherwise beautiful Hogsmeade, as soon as was humanly possible.
Puzzled, Lucy finished off her final voice-over in the studio back in Glasgow, as professionally as she could. "Lucy Campbell, Hogsmeade, for Scotland Today."