A/N - Ok, I was told to do a spoof of the previous story. Carth just doesn't catch a break.
On the Rakatan Planet
Carth Onasi looked up into the sky at the massive Star Forge, thinking about how Revan must be battling Malak for supremacy of the galaxy. Republic ships had gathered on the surface of the Rakatan planet, awaiting orders to begin the assault of the mighty station.
"I gotta get up there," he told a ground crewman. "I can't abandon Revan to her fate."
The man shook his head. "Sorry, dude, no room. There's a war on, you know."
Carth gesticulated wildly. "I must get up to the Star Forge…you don't understand. Wait! I have the Outer Rim Rewards Card…I have free miles!"
The technician looked at the card and ran it through a machine. "You're at your credit limit and besides, we have blackout dates. Here, fill out this Form RF 186-376-D Prime in triplicate and someone will get back to you."
"I don't have time! Revan is fighting Malak. She's betrayed the Republic!"
"Revan, Smevan, no form…no travel."
Carth rolled his eyes. "Gaaah! Okay, can I trade my miles for alternative travel? I'll take anything!"
The man looked over to a beat up swoop bike with a rocket booster and a space helmet. "Hmmm, I think we might be able to accommodate you. I suspect you'll need some insurance though…sign here…and here…and here. You understand that you accept all liability and waive the right to sue when…I mean should you meet with an untimely end."
"Whatever…just get me going."
The man handed Carth the helmet, which he strapped on. When Carth was bolted to the swoop bike, the man pointed to the Star Forge. "Aim for that and hang on!"
Rocket flame shot out the back and the bike leapt into the sky. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!"
On the Star Forge
Revan battled Malak for control of the mighty Star Forge, their lightsabers sizzling and humming. Malak's ruby blade hacked and slashed, driving Revan back, step by step. "I am the strongest, Revan," he said in his mechanized voice. "I am the one! You cannot defeat me here."
Revan retreated with a grunt and parried the next blow. "What is your secret? Is it this battle station?"
"No, Revan, it's my Sith Rewards Card. I had enough points to buy my vocabulator and the most powerful lightsaber lens in the galaxy!" he said with an arcing cut.
Revan smiled in spite of the bold statement. "Sith Rewards? You know that the Exchange bought them out, didn't you. You got nothing but junk, I'll bet."
Malak stopped short and a wire sprang out of his metal jaw. "Brrzzztzzz…I didn't know that. What's happening to me? Can I file a claim?" he asked as part of his metal jaw fell off. Then, there was a shattering sound and his lightsaber went dark.
Revan took the opportunity to skewer him like a pig and Malak fell over, bemoaning his fate. "Impossible! I had the Sith Rewards Card checked out. I am nothing…and now it ends…as I always thought it would…in darkness. What's in your wallet?" he uttered as he fell dead.
Just then, Carth burst through the blast door on his rocket swoop bike. "Aahhhhhhh!!!"
"Carth, what are you doing here?"
He peeled himself off of the wall and staggered over. "It was all I could get. Damn blackout dates. Oh, right…I'm here to save you from yourself."
"It's too late, Carth. I just inherited all of Malak's debts along with this useless Sith Rewards Card. Leave while there's still time."
Carth shook his head. "I'm not going to abandon you! I love you! You know that, right?"
"Well yes, but what kind of future would we have with bad credit?"
Carth made a broad motion with his hand. "We could start over…here…with our vacation."
"Can we afford it?"
"Sure, babes, I got the Outer Rim Rewards Card. I still have free miles."
Revan smiled. "It's a start," she said as she laid out a picnic blanket. "Look at the stars."
Just then, the Republic fleet blew a hole in the Star Forge. A tornado of air sucked the two upward and they hung on for dear life. "I just can't catch a break!" Carth wailed. "What's in your wallet?"