Summary: Skirts and cramps would be enough, but Harriet, newly adjusting to life as the opposite gender - thanks a bunch, Neville - is discovering that the banes of every girl's existence are ... boys.
Warnings: Slash, M-Preg
Disclaimer: JKR owns the original works. I take credit for my barking ideas.
Author's Note: Just to clarify, Harry is a girl for the majority of the fic and as such, technically most of the romance is not actually slash … But there will be a part where he is a boy and … well … Let me just say there is slash but it's minimal. A kiss or two at the most.
The title comes from the Comic Relief HP spoof from a few years ago, but that doesn't mean the fic is all humour – it's angsty in places, which is why one category is Drama.
You're a Woman, Harry!
Chapter One: Sex Ed
"Get up, everyone, we're late!"
Ron groaned and pulled his pillow over his head. Harry rolled out of bed, grabbed it and pulled. There was a yell and a bang as Ron fell onto the floor, swearing.
"None of that language, Ronald!" snapped Mrs Weasley from outside the door. "Come on, both of you, we're going to miss the train!"
Half an hour later the five Weasleys – including the twins, who were seeing them off – were crammed with their trunks into an ordinary Muggle car.
"And this time, there are no magical additions," Mrs Weasley said happily, starting the engine.
The journey to King's Cross was uneventful, and they just made it onto the train before the whistle blew. The twins and Mrs Weasley wished a quick good year and stood back, waving as the Hogwarts Express pulled out of the station.
"Well, we're NEWT students now," Ron said cheerfully, settling back in his seat. "Chess, Harry?"
"What's the point, I just lose," Harry grumbled, but chose to be black anyway.
Hermione and Ginny watched in amusement as Ron tried all he could to let Harry win but the outcome was still the same: Ron won. Harry took it gracefully as always and suggested they play Exploding Snap instead, so the girls could join in.
A few pairs of singed eyebrows later the talk turned to the OWL results.
"I got a P in Astronomy," said Hermione, dealing the cards, "but that's only to be expected, isn't it, and the Ministry said they're offering a resit for everyone in the disrupted exam later this year if they want."
"Are you going to go for it?" Harry asked.
"What do you think?" Ron smirked. "Since when did Hermione ever pass up the opportunity to sit an exam?"
"Oh shut up Ronald. I'm not going to, actually. You don't need Astronomy for what I want to do, and I want to concentrate on what I do need."
"Oh?" The other three raised their eyebrows. "You've decided, have you?"
Hermione smiled. "Yes, I want to be a Healer … and hopefully take S.P.E.W further in my spare time …"
Ron and Harry looked at each other and hurriedly looked away again.
"When did you decide this?" Ginny questioned.
"About three days ago," Hermione said dismissively.
Ron snorted. "You'll have changed your mind by next week."
"I will not!" Hermione snapped. "And anyway, what about you? I don't see you longing to go in one particular direction."
"Well, an Auror would be cool … but … I don't think I could do it. Professor McGonagall suggested I set my sights slightly lower, considering they only take the best."
"She didn't say that to me," Harry said thoughtfully, half to himself.
"What did she say?"
"Um …" Harry squirmed uncomfortably. "Well, I think it was just to annoy Umbridge more than anything …"
"What did she say?"
"Something along the lines of resorting to tutoring me nightly if it would help me be an Auror. But," Harry added quickly as they all looked shocked, "I think that had something to do with the fact that Umbridge was insisting that I would never make it … they were still fighting when I left …"
Ron snorted again, but with laughter. Harry relaxed. "Oh Merlin, I wish I'd been there. What was her face like, Harry? It must have been priceless …"
"Oh, yeah," Harry grinned back. "I should have taken a camera to my session … Mind you, her face would probably have cracked the lens …"
All four of them were howling with laughter by now, even Hermione.
"What's so funny?" a familiar voice demanded.
Draco Malfoy was standing in the doorway. They stopped laughing quickly, though Ron's face was twisted in a huge effort.
"What do you want, Malfoy?" Hermione said defensively.
He shrugged. "Is it a crime to be social?"
"Where are your bodyguards? Finally outgrown them?" Ron suggested.
"Ron," Harry hissed.
"I don't know where Dumb and Dumber are and couldn't care less," Malfoy replied coolly.
Harry had to consciously stop his jaw from dropping. Malfoy, making a Muggle reference?
"Don't look so shocked," he snapped at them. "I'm not like my father, you know."
With that he left, slamming the compartment door shut.
The other four looked at each other in shock.
"I believe him," Harry said finally.
"About Dumb and – I mean, about Crabbe and Goyle?"
"Not them, I mean I believe what he said about not being like his father."
Ron stared at him as if he had sprouted another head and he sighed. "Look, I've been thinking during the holiday, and I think that now Lucius is out the way in Azkaban maybe Malfoy can be more himself – whatever that is. He might be more open to believe things other than his parents have force-fed him with all his life."
"A Malfoy is a Malfoy, Harry," Ron said.
Hermione shook her head. "I think Harry has a point, and Draco just proved it. How many times do you think he's made a Muggle reference with his father around?"
"He made a Muggle reference?" Ron said blankly.
While Hermione started on giving Ron a mini-Muggle Studies lesson, Harry leaned back to see out of the window. He had a feeling this year would be interesting.
"Dumbledore's off his rocker," Ron stated.
Harry ignored him, pretending to be absorbed in the note accompanying his timetable that read:
Due to some unexpected results in the Potions OWL examination, all students that received Exceeds Expectations or higher will be accepted into the Potions NEWT course this year.
"I mean it," Ron continued. "I know I said it before, but he's really lost it this time."
"Shut up, Ron."
"I mean, if it wasn't bad enough to put Sex Education on the syllabus this year … But to have SNAPE teach it?"
"And just what," a dangerously soft voice spoke up, "is wrong with my teaching, Weasley?"
Ron went furiously red and Harry looked up, hastily stuffing the note and his timetable into his pocket. Snape looked in an even fouler mood than usual. It could have been:
a) having to teach the boys Sex Education (This time, Harry agreed with Ron that Dumbledore was obviously completely insane)
b) the fact that Lupin had come back to teach DADA again by popular demand after Umbridge's short reign
c) the fact that he had somehow been forced to accept E students into his Potions class, or
d) all of the above.
Harry was personally inclined to believe the fourth option.
Snape scowled heavily at the sixth-years and motioned for them to enter the classroom, and they all scrambled through the doorway in a scuffle to get to the back seats.
The door closed with a click filled with impending doom.
"Now then," Snape said softly. "Welcome to your first Gender Education lesson …"
"Well? How was it?" Hermione quizzed them at dinner.
Harry just pointed at Ron, who looked slightly green and was carefully not looking at any of the food on the table.
"That bad, then?"
"I can't believe you had to ask," Harry muttered, piling lasagne onto his plate without a lot of enthusiasm. "What about you?"
"Oh, it was fine – bit embarrassing, though. Poor Professor McGonagall got a lot of funny looks when she mentioned the effects of having sex in Animagus form …"
Ron went greener and hastily sped out of the Great Hall.
"… and you could tell she knew everyone was wondering if she knew from personal experience," Hermione continued.
Harry pushed his plate away.
"But other than that, I guess it wasn't any more painful than the talks at primary school were."
"You had talks?" Harry said, eyebrows raised. "We just watched a few videos on the subject while the teacher had some time out."
"Videos? Is that better or worse than diagrams on the blackboard?"
Harry and Hermione were still debating when Ron returned, now a sickly pale colour, and Harry decided to change the subject.
"What lesson do we have next?"
"Guess," Ron said gloomily. "As if today couldn't get any worse."
"Oh, great. Potions."