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I Hate this Job

I sit staring out the window, caught in an emotion that's only defined somewhere between misery and longing.

I watched you all day. I played along with your scheme. And all the while my heart shattered. Did you see it? See it crack plainly in my eyes every time my gaze landed on you?

It hurts so badly, watching you now. I feel like I've lost everything while you gained.

But it doesn't mean all that much to me. In fact, it doesn't mean anything at all. If you believe that, perhaps I could too.

Sitting on this sofa, my mind is assaulted with images from the past. From the first time I laid eyes on you. In my time of fright and sorrow. Emptiness and feeling so alone. In a bed. In a white room. In Section. It seems so long ago now.

When we met, when I watched you walk in to the room, I thought I was dead. And if not, I was about to be. I thought surely, the mysterious powers that be had decided it was my time to die. I had barely started my life. I had so much left undone. Could I really die at this time?

You let me know I was only dead to the world. That I would live in here. That I'd flourish in talent. In skill. In grace.

The only thing I flourished in was in the spotlight of your gaze. In the rare moments when you slipped and let your heart shine through your eyes.

Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps you never did that at all.

Through the two years I thought I'd be set to die, I was given life. Not by Section. Not by Operations. But by you. Through your love, I learned to live.

I learned to love. To love so deeply, so profoundly, it surpassed all definition and understanding. And furthermore, you always seemed to return it. Every ounce I put in to it. Every tear and every bead of sweat that I put in to our love, you matched it.

Or so it seemed. I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure of anything.

Because you held back all your words. All your secrets. Your life outside of me. You kept your cards close to your vest. You kept your eyes shifting away.

I knew you were hiding something. Something deep. Something big. I could sense it. Feel it. I knew it was there. It shone through your eyes. It burned in to my heart.

And you knew that I was aware of it. That I was catching on. No matter how you tried to keep your life from me, it was slipping away. I tried to pry it out. To let it out in the open so we could keep our new found love strong. But the only thing I heard from you were your abundant lies.

I knew you were lying, but it didn't prepare me for this.

The light in your bedroom just went out. You're now plunged in the dark. So am I. But I have no one beside me. I don't have you.

All the while, you're in the arms of another woman. A child, your child, lays between you. And I'm all alone. Caught in these memories. Tortured by your words that play back and forth in my head. Too many lies. And too much hurt. All while I put on a sweet smile for the job and act like I haven't a care in the world.

But I do. I care about you. And it's tearing me up inside. Driving me mad. And I don't know how much I can take. How much longer.

...I hate this job.