♥Rikkai, Rikkaidai, Rikkai Dai, Rikkai Daigaku Fuzoku, 私立立海大附属中学校! Call them what ever you want, but this is a story about them and for them.
Hi, I'm here with another Rikkaidai fic. Thank you so much for any reviews, they are well appreciated. This is a humor fic, so please bear with me. This is a one-shot. Reviewers will be praised while I will use your flames to burn my marshmallows. Usual disclaimer applies, I do not own Tennis no Ohjisama and if I did, I'd keep Sanada for myself.Rating: T
Starring: The Rikkaidai Regulars
Summary: Kirihara is curious about the facts of life. And who better to explain it to him than the Rikkaidai regulars?
Warning (s): Randomness, possible, out of characterless due to insane humor, possible spoilers, if so very tiny ones, mentioning of SanaYuki, and YanaKiri if you squint. This fic is just an interlude fic until I get one more review for my other fic, A Rikkadai Vacation From Hell. I have chapter 4 ready, by the way. This is a one-shot fic. Thank you.
The school bell rang at Rikkai Daigaku Fuzoku. It was actually just before last period in which Kirihara Akaya, a second year student, also the youngest member of the regulars, was headed to his favorite subject. PHYS-ED! Why, you ask? Because he could turn all demon-like in the middle of dodge ball, giving him an EXCUSE to abuse his fellow classmates. Or he just liked it. Your choice.
Now, how would YOU feel, heading towards your favorite class to have a sign put up in front of the door? And not just any sign. It actually went like this.
Dear Students of Phys-Ed class 2-A,
You will not be having gym today due to the late notice from the Board of Education.
All students report to room 143 for Health Class.
Suddenly the world came to an end! Okay, FINE, if it did this story wouldn't exist. So let's just say the world came to an end through the eyes of Kirihara. Happy? Good.
Little did he know what was coming next.
Now, Kirihara was actually naturally clueless. When the regulars, being older, talked about things he couldn't follow, that angered him! It made him feel tiny and weak! But worry not kouhai! Today you become a man!
By learning the reproduction system.
Kirihara raised his hand.
"What IS the reproduction system?"
The teacher raised an eyebrow. "Are you telling me you don't know, Akaya-kun."
The rest of the class nodded as well.
The teacher's glasses flickered with a hint of evilness. "Let's start with learning the FEMALES reproduction system first then."
That's how it started.
Yukimura, captain of the tennis team, waved goodbye to some of his classmates and practically ran outside. After school practice was mandatory, but, unlike the others (Minus SANADA), he didn't mind. Little did he know that their little kouhai had JUST walked out of…THE DREADED ROOM 143! The room were children's minds corrupted. He remembered the first time he, Sanada and Yanagi walked in to that room...
Sanada, Yukimura and Yanagi were all in the same PhysEd class, long ago. Actually the school THEY went to when they were young, let's say, was a very EXPLAINATIVE school. They believed kids had the right to learn...things...at a very young and tender age. In this case, it was the age of nine.
"It says to go back to homeroom." Nine-year-old Yanagi analyzed the note.
"No gym." Nine-year-old Yukimura sighed.
"Hn." Nine-year-old Sanada said.
So, the clueless trio walked into their homeroom and sat up FRONT, because when your little the front rocks! But, that was the LAST time they ever decided to sit at the front again. So, sensei came in with...boxes...and lots of them.
Slowly, he began placing a small package on each of the students' desks.
Sanada picked up his small package and tore it open to find...some sort of transparent little thing. "What IS this?" He asked, bemused. He had never seen such a thing. "It's so small."
He started to blow it like a balloon.
Yukimura opened his. "Eh, what are these? And it had a little string at the end..." Curiously, he began to pull at his thing, which was different than Sanada's. Actually, everyone got something different.
"I think I've seen these in the Drug Store." Yanagi commented suspiciously.
The teacher began to talk. "Quiet, students, please." Everyone shut up. "Today we're going to be learning about the human body. And protection from...well, STD's."
"What protection?" Yukimura asked. "Like band-aids when you get hurt?"
"What are STD's?" Sanada asked. "Some sort of bruises for the band-aids?"
"Well, we're actually going to be learning about where babies come from first." Sensei spoke up again. "Now, I'll pop in this video and..."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" The class shouted as the emotionally scarring video began.
There was going to be a lot of explaining to do today.
Yukimura had just assigned the non-regulars, a few warm-up laps around the track as the regulars started to unpack their things and get ready for a few practice matches.
That was until... KIRIHARA POPPED THE QUESTION!
He first walked over to their captain.
"Buchou, there is something I was wondering." He started, crossing his arms.
"What is it Akaya?" Yukimura replied kindly.
"Where do babies come from?"
Yukimura turned white. "W-what...?"
"Well, from class we know that you need a man and a woman..."Kirihara said. "But what exactly do they DO? How does the baby get inside her stomach? Is it surgically put there or something?"
"Buchou, are you okay? You look a little... pale..." Kirihara said worriedly.
"N-No...it's just..." Yukimura turned scarlet. "Um... you see... babies... they..." He also remembered when his mother had told him about this. His mom had not wasted time in embellishing every detail of what took place. Afterwards, Yukimura fainted for half an hour and decided he would never think about it again until he wanted children. And here he was, being forced to think about it. "B-Babies... you see... babies..."
"Oi, Buchou, are you alright? You look sick..." Niou said from behind their captain, making him jump up two feet.
"Eto... Akaya... why don't you ask 'Haru?" Yukimura said, hiding behind the trickster.
Niou raised his eyebrows and then looked at their youngest player. "What?"
"Where do babies come from?"
Niou almost choked on his spit. "WHAT THE HELL MADE YOU ASK THAT?" He yelled, his face turning as red as Yukimura's. He remembered when his father had told him. He couldn't sleep for days, and wouldn't talk to any girls for weeks after that.
"Well... you know... gym was cancelled today and we had health instead...and sensei began to tell us, but the bell rang and he said to wait for another year..." Kirihara said nervously, wondering what he had asked wrong. "Is anyone going to give me an answer?"
"Well, why doesn't Genichirou? Here he comes now." Yukimura said, praying HE wouldn't be the one to explain the facts of life to Kirihara.
"THAT'S A GREAT IDEA" Niou said all too quickly, sighing inwardly with relief.
Sanada walked towards the change room to change his racket before his game with Yanagi. Too bad Yukimura, Niou and a frustrated Kirihara were blocking the doorway, looking eagerly at him.
"What?" His stoic voice boomed. He wanted to finish his match with the data-man.
"Where do babies come from fukubuchou?" Kirihara spoke first, raising an eyebrow.
JUST KIDDING! He was too MANLY to faint. He just fell due to the sudden shock of the question. His face turned beet red. How the hell was he supposed to answer THAT?!
Just THINKING about it brought back bad memories of that dreaded ROOM 143...
"WH-WHA-WHA-WHA..." Sanada was literally chocking on his own words.
That was when Yanagi came over to get the fukubuchou because he was getting rather impatient that Sanada had left in the middle of a game. Too bad he came over, would've saved him the trouble.
"What's wrong with Genichirou?" Yanagi questioned the red-faced Yukimura and Niou.
"Where do babies come from?"
The data man fainted after screaming, "WHAT!?" at least he was able to finish his sentence. Before passing out that is.
Now Yagyuu came over because he couldn't play DOUBLES without his actual DOUBLE'S PARTNER!? Now, Yagyuu is a seemed gentleman so who better to explain the facts of life?
"Haru, I can't exactly play doubles without my partner." He stated, followed by a bubble-gum chewing Bunta and Jackal. "What are you doing, anyway?"
"What's Yanagi doing on the floor?" Bunta asked.
Kirihara sighed. "Can I ask you a question, sempai-tachi?"
The three nodded.
Yukimura spoke up with a nervous laugh. "Akaya here wants to know where...cough...babies...cough...come from."
"HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT!?" The three yelled in unison.
"I know you need a man and woman but what EXACTLY do the DO" The kouhai whined.
He just wanted his answer.
"W-Well...why don't we try to use a metaphor?" Yanagi, who awoke with a severe nosebleed asked.
Niou, who was fully recovered and back to his evil self, smirked with a hint of complete evilness.
"Well, this a perfect opportunity to tell you my fantasy: A man and woman in love, but shy, go to an elaborate French restaurant. There, while eating gourmet ice cream, the woman realizes she's chewing on a ring. She opens her mouth and it turns out to be a wedding ring. 'He's proposed!' she exclaimed and they kiss passionately, her clothes suddenly becoming a lavish red gown, as songbirds sing and fireworks dance. He picks her up and carries her to his room, which happens to be above the restaurant. He then kisses her, softly at first, but then with increasing passion, placing her on his magical four-poster bed with a lace canopy and rose petals scattered on the silk bedding. Fairies and pixies come out to dance and sing as the man delicately removes her dress and—"
Yagyuu whacks him with a random newspaper. "Shut up. We are not indulging the kid with fantasy porn."
Bunta had gone white and slouched over as Kirihara poked him unsurely. Is he dead?
Sanada had gone into fetal position in the corner, rocking back and forth, whispering. "Not the (censored)... Please... No more (censored) (censored) (censored)...!"
It was then that Yagyuu decided to take matters into his own hands. "Okay, I say we use a metaphor. The birds and bees one is overused, so let's come up with something new..."
"Oh boy..." Jackal sighed.
"Okay, Kirihara. So, say that a boy has a 'lollipop' and the girl has a magic refrigerator guarded by a hyena."
"So, when the boy and girl love each other very much, the boy puts his lollipop into the girl's magic refrigerator and breaks her hyena. Of course, this hurts the girl a bit at first but then it starts to feel good... so then eventually, something magic happens inside that refrigerator, and then, nine months later, out pops a baby." Yagyuu finished, feeling proud of himself.
The others just sighed, due to relief.
"But I don't have a lollipop..." Kirihara said, puzzled. Afterwards he raised his eyebrows, "So... you're saying babies come from lollipops and magic refrigerators...?"
The regulars nodded.
Thank God that was out of the way.
"AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT? How stupid do you think I am?!"
Now it was Yanagi's turn to try. He faced them, a serious expression on his face. "Babies... you see... babies... come when a man and woman love each other very much..."
"...I get that part..."
Yanagi blinked, looked around, suddenly sweating. "And...Seiichi will explain the rest!" Yanagi said nervously, randomly wandering away.
"Eto...eto..." Yukimura looked around for someone else. ANYONE ELSE!
Kirihara spoke up again. "Ne, ne, sempai-tachi. Everyone keeps telling me babies come when a man and woman love each other very much. What about a MAN and a MAN?" That actually sounded innocent coming from him.
Bunta swallowed his gum, before it rose again, causing him to choke on it.
Jackal would have pulled his hair, had he any.
Sanada seemed to be repeating to himself, 'I can't hear anything...If I block out all sound I can't hear anything... 'I can't hear anything...If I block out all sound I can't hear anything...'
Yukimura could've sworn he felt like he was going to have a stroke any minute now.
Yagyuu's eyes were shielded from the world, but they were probably REALLY, REALLY SMALL right now.
Yanagi stuffed his nose with toilet paper to keep the blood in, so he wouldn't faint from blood loss. (LIKE IN MY OTHER STORY)
Niou just looked at their kouhai like he was singing Brittany Spears.
OOPS HE DID IT AGAIN!
Okay, ignore me. Please.
Minutes later, Bunta spoke up. "A...man...and a m-m-man?"
Kirihara nodded. "Can they have babies too?"
"Do you know what GAY means?" Niou pressed.
"A guy liking a guy?"
"What'd ya know? The kid ain't so innocent." Niou smirked.
"And do guys have…er—hyenas or magical refrigerators?" Jackal stumbled.
"So do you THINK they can have...uh—babies?" Yukimura blushed deep crimson.
"There we're done! Let's go back to tennis practice now!" Bunta shouted and started running back to the courts before Jackal grabbed him back.
"Oh no you don't!"
"But Jackal! I don't WANT to have this talk again!"
"I WANNA KNOW!"
"Okay, that's it. If none of you are going to tell him, I'll tell him." Aoi-sensei, whom was watching the pathetic regulars the whole time, came out.
"Thank you!" Kirihara beamed.
"You won't be thanking me in a minute."
Fifteen minutes later, a very Kirihara left the tennis court, his eyes wide; ready to go ask his parents why they hadn't mentioned all the uses of his body.
Yanagi had managed to revive Yukimura, who was now softly whispering to Sanada, who was still curled up in the fetal position, his eyes wide and bloodshot.
"Well, that was fun!" Niou laughed.
"Yes, it was quite entertaining to see his face as Aoi-sensei explained the workings of human life," Yagyuu chuckled.
"We should do this again sometime, ne?" Niou asked the assorted tennis players.
Who were all … well … not well.
Or maybe not.
Please check out my other humor fic, A Rikkadai Vacation From Hell
Prince of Tennis © Takeshi KonomiT