A/N: Protectors of the Plot Continuum was founded by Jay and Acacia. Excerpts in italics taken from Doctor Keira Imogene Stewart by torchwoodlover.
"This is only a short mission," Tasmin said.
"Do you have a crystal ball now?" Emma asked. She picked up her bag from the cupboard by the door. "I have the feeling our missions've been getting longer and longer."
"The badfic isn't very long. We should be able to make it a short mission." Tasmin tapped the keys on the console to set a disguise. "We're going in as doctors, by the way."
The agents stepped into a hospital in Cornwall. Jack had dragged the other Torchwood employees with him to pay a visit to a doctor he knew. He asked the hospital receptionist for directions and was pointed to the Anthropology ward.
"That's not a speciality you usually find at a hospital," Emma said as they followed Jack and his team.
"Try never," Tasmin replied.
He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. A woman had walked out of one of the doors; she was looking through some sheets attached to clipboard and was oblivious to Jack staring at her. Her long brown hair ran down her back, and her blue eyes darted across the page she was reading. She walked in away that ballerinas could achieve in their dreams. She wore leg hugging jeans, and a plain white vest top, and a white Doctor's coat over it. She had a slight smile on her lips, and she was very, very beautiful. Owen and Ianto both stared with open mouths.
"I hazard a guess, and say that is our Sue."
"Have you got a crystal ball too?"
"I have one of those snowballs. If you shake them it snows glitter. Speaking of which, I wonder what happens if I shake this Sue."
Jack ran after the Sue, and said he needed her help with a friend of a friend. She asked if the patient was still alive, and when Jack confirmed this, announced she only worked with dead people.
"That's very encouraging for the patients at this hospital," Emma said.
"I think they're glad they don't have to deal with a Sue, but will receive proper medical care only."
It appeared Jack had not only brought the rest of the team with him, but also had packed the Cyberwoman into the SUV. Without any of them noticing. The Sue examined the half-converted woman while Ianto told her about Lisa.
"Conveniently forgetting the part where Jack ordered him to execute her."
"I thought Lisa had transferred her brain to the head of the pizza girl," Emma said. "The Cyberwoman is dead, brainless."
"Even if that hadn't happened, Jack would never, ever, think a Cyberman could be converted back into a person. As far as he is concerned the person that once was is dead, and deserves our pity. The Cyberman does not. It should be killed."
The Sue asked Jack what he wanted her to do.
Jack looked at her, "Isn't it obvious? I want you to save her! Make her human again!"
"No, that is not what Jack wants." Tasmin glared at the Sue. "That is the complete opposite of what Jack wants. I take it you weren't there when the Hub was under siege when the Cyberwoman started strutting her stuff? Or when she had put Lisa's brain in the pizza girl and suggested to convert Ianto too? He knows a human once converted can never be turned back."
"Is that even possible?" Ianto asked quietly.
"You're the one that wanted to do it in the first place. Or have you finally come to your senses and given up this ridiculous idea?"
The Sue confirmed it was possible to make Lisa human again. She'd have to pull in a few favours – probably from a number of people that did not know yet they had a death wish. Owen was the only one who objected to the situation. The Sue left for a moment, so that the Torchwood people could talk things over and to give Jack an opportunity to sing of her brilliance. She came running back and threw a sheet over Lisa.
Tasmin produced a clipboard from her duffel bag and gave it to Emma. She figured this way the agents could look busy in case the self-absorbed Sue glanced in their direction.
Then a man came to the room; the Sue blocked his access. The badge above his breast pocket said he was the chief of the hospital. It had come to his attention that there was a Cyberman in this room and he came to tell that all traces of Cybermen would have to be destroyed.
"A very sensible regulation."
Jack managed to convince the chief nothing problematic was going on and the man left.
In the mean time Toshiko had pulled the Sue's CV off the Internet, and started listing the achievements Jack had left out.
Her job title is Anthropologist at the moment even though she usually ends up taking all the patients that are too difficult for the other Doctors.
"An anthropologist is not a medical doctor," Tasmin said. "It's a sort of sociologist. Anthropologists study human behaviour, how humans behave in their societies. They do not deal with individual people, and they most definitely don't do anything to 'fix' these humans."
On the other side of the room Jack was trying to talk some 'sense' into Owen. Owen blew up at him, and the Sue told him off for raising his voice in a hospital. This shocked Owen into silence.
"Probably thinking, 'I'm surrounded by idiots'," Emma said.
The Sue's hair had been crackling when she talked to Owen, but this went unnoticed by the agents.
The chief returned to the room, and blew up at the Sue for bringing a Cyberman into the hospital.
"Funny who she doesn't tell him he's waking up the patients."
Rather, the Sue told him that 'technically' she had not brought the Cyberman in.
"Yeah, that makes all the difference." Tasmin rolled her eyes.
It seemed to work on the chief, because he told the Sue to get rid of the Cyberman and left again.
The agents stared after him.
"If he really wanted to be rid of it, he should have made arrangements himself for it to be taken away," Tasmin said.
"Careful there," Emma said. "Sue doesn't like you calling the Cyberwoman it."
Tasmin spun around to her partner. "Sues don't get to dictate what I say and do. I tell them."
A time rift occurred and the agents suddenly found themselves in the Sue's office. They quickly dove behind a large potted plant. The Sue did not seem to notice this change in her office's furbishings.
Owen knocked on the door and entered. He wanted to apologise for what he had said earlier.
Both agents clasped a hand over their mouth to prevent themselves from shouting out what they thought, and thus giving away their position and putting themselves in a predicament.
The Sue revealed to have a noble motivation to try and save Lisa.
I refuse to let anymore human's suffer from their invasion.
Emma pulled her notepad from her bag and scribbled something on it and showed it to Tasmin. "Except all those humans that are going to suffer when the Cyberman wakes up and goes on a murdering rampage."
Tasmin took the pad and scribbled a reply. "Don't forget all the humans that suffer from the bad punctuation."
Emma suppressed a chuckle.
The story paused a moment for a new chapter, and continued two weeks later. In that time the Torchwood people had crashed at a nearby hotel so they could regularly visit the hospital. The Sue had undergone a transformation.
A few weeks later in the hospital canteen, early morning Aqua came striding through the door.
"It looks like the Sue, it walks like the Sue…"
"It is the Sue," Tasmin said. "The author just found a rather bad way to introduce the Sue's alter ego. Namely, by alternating at using the two names."
The Sue announced that the next day she would start surgery on the Cyberwoman, and she would start on her legs.
"Wouldn't it make more sense to start on her brain? The part of her that controls all the other parts? Cut that off and even I think she has a fighting chance to be turned human again."
"Would make sense to you, but you're not the Sue in charge."
Owen asked the Sue how she convinced the chief to let her work on the Cyberwoman. She alluded she had slept with him.
"She most have literary fucked his brains out," Emma commented.
"Yeah, I think we should talk to her, before she causes us brain damage as well."
The agents stood up from the table in the canteen they had been sitting at ever since the story had removed them from the Sue's office. They walked over to the table where the Sue and Owen sat.
"Look at the two of you being all chummy," Emma said. "Doctor Keira Imogene Stewart, we'd like a word. About the Cyberwoman."
"Not just about the Cyberwoman," Tasmin added.
"How do you know about that?" the Sue demanded. "I've managed to keep Lisa hidden from all the doctors and patients at this hospital."
"We don't work at the hospital," Tasmin said. "We're protectors of the plot continuum, and we'd like to charge you with crimes against Torchwood fanfiction."
"I don't even need my notepad for this," Emma said. "We charge you with being a Mary Sue. We charge you with being a brilliant medical doctor and brilliant at robotics and cybernetics, and working as an anthropologist. We charge you with not knowing what it is an anthropologist does."
"What makes you think that I don't know what an anthropologist does?" the Sue huffed.
"You have an anthropologist ward at the hospital. If you knew what an anthropologist does you'd know it wasn't a medical profession," Tasmin explained.
"We charge you with disrupting the characters of the Torchwood team. We charge you with Jack bringing a Cyberman to you and asking you to convert it. He would never do that. We charge you with Owen being the only one to object to that. We also charge you with Owen apologising to you for objecting to it. We charge you with having all the Torchwood people move to Cornwall so they could be close by during whatever it is that you do. Would have been much simpler to move you to Cardiff. We charge you with using Toshiko as a puppet that reads out your CV. We charge you with suddenly changing your name to Aqua."
The hair of the Sue started crackling.
"And we charge you with the usual bad grammar, bad spelling and bad punctuation." Emma gave the Sue a smirk. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"
The Sue flew up, but before she could attack the agent, Tasmin had pulled her gun and shot the Sue. The Sue lay on the floor, writhing.
Emma regained her composure. The sudden attack of the Sue had given her the shakes. "You have been charged. Your punishment is death. Tasmin will shoot you."
One final bullet finished the job.
"Told you this was going to be a short mission. You want to see what happens if you shake the Sue?" Tasmin asked as she returned her gun to the duffel bag.
"I think I'll pass," Emma said with a hand on her chest and a slightly nauseous facial expression.
A/N: Pay attention to what the characters say and do in canon. Jack was not at all pleased when he found out Ianto had been hiding a Cyberman at the Hub. Though I don't think Jack is above double standards, I doubt he would keep a Cyberman hidden at the Hub himself in the vain hope that one day she could be converted back to a normal person. Which means, if you want to convince me otherwise, you have a lot of explaining to do and can't get away with just stating it as a fact that he did.