A/N: Protectors of the Plot Continuum was founded by Jay and Acacia. Excerpts in italics were taken from Out with a Bang by timelady1210.
Tasmin eyed her disguise carefully: black slacks, white shirt, black jacket and black tie. Her favourite piece of hardware in a shoulder holster. She had feared worse when Emma announced to have already picked out the disguises and pushed her through the portal. If Emma only didn't ruin the moment by singing.
"Looking back for happiness, when there is only loneliness to fi-i-ind."
"Yes, miss Urple, I get the reference. Stop singing." Tasmin looked around the large, unevenly lit warehouse. "What have we got?"
"Sue got abducted by some thugs." Emma nodded her head to a shirtless woman sat in the centre of the room tied to a chair.
One of the thugs called out to the Sue to see if she was awake.
"It is morning, then?" she called back, twisting around as best she could without the ropes securing her to her chair cutting into her skin. "I shouldn'tve been out more than an hour or two, which would make it... five in the afternoon? You must have either failed math spectacularly or passed geography miraculously."
"A fearless Sue. Why aren't Sues afraid when they find themselves tied to a chair in a strange surroundings without their shirt on?" Emma wondered.
"I think their brains have a distorted fear centre."
"And why is this thug showing his face to her after going through the trouble of putting a sack over her head when he kidnapped her?"
"I think he has a distorted rationality centre."
Emma chuckled. "Must remember that one."
Fear seemed to be very far from what the Sue was feeling as she started on a cheeky exchange with her abductor who was joined by his partner in crime. Then Captain John Hart stepped in and added a few cocky remarks of his own.
The thugs admitted they had nothing particular in mind for the Sue, just roughen her up a bit. Hart gave them the go-ahead and they jumped on the opportunity.
"They did not have a plan when they abducted her other than roughen her up a bit? These guys are amateurs. Last time I heard about random women getting kidnapped off the street it at least involved the making of kinky porn videos."
"Aren't porn videos per definition kinky?" Tasmin asked.
"Depends on your definition of kinky I guess. But a lot of it is straight forward and heterosexual. Just with better looking people than in real life."
Hart quickly got bored with the two men beating the Sue -- which had not resulted in the Sue toning down on her banter -- and shot them, then turned to leave.
"Hey, wait a second! Where the hell d'you think you're going?" Mia demanded, fighting against her ropes but to no avail. "You can't just shoot them and leave me behind."
"Yes I can," he called back, not turning around. "You've got a pair of scissors in your back pocket. Cut your own damn self out." Somehow it was then that she noticed his accent.
"That's convenient. How did he know that? How did they get there?"
Tasmin shrugged. "I never try to figure out Suefic. I can do without the headache, thank you."
"They have medication for that, you know."
"I know, and I've also seen the headache that causes."
Hart turned back to cut the Sue loose. She forewent a thank you and demanded that he would tell her who she was.
Emma and Tasmin rolled their eyes.
"They say that chivalry is dead, but so is courteousness."
The Sue managed to talk -- or rather harass -- Hart into giving her his jacket and after putting it on and buttoning it up some made to follow him out of the building.
The agents each placed a hand on one of her shoulders.
"We'd like a word."
The Sue turned around. "Who are you?"
"Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We'd like a word."
Emma lead the Sue back to her chair, and shoved her down. "A few words actually."
"Quite a few," Tasmin added.
"What is this about," the Sue demanded, not having lost any of her cockiness yet.
"This is about you being a Mary Sue. About you being kidnapped by some guys that at first look like they have a plan and then turn out to be total amateurs."
"What makes you think that?"
"Well, when you were kidnapped you were blindfolded. So we thought: professionals. But then they take off the blindfold, show themselves to you and admit they have no plans of killing you. A professional would never have you in a position where you could positively ID him."
"I'm in a position where I can positively ID you."
"No, you're not," Tasmin said.
"There's a clue in there for you," Emma replied to the Sue's slight frown.
"So we charge you with being a Mary Sue; we charge you with being kidnapped by stupid thugs."
"Charges? What is this?" The Sue tried to get up.
Emma pushed her back down. "Sit down."
"We charge you with not being afraid or thankful, just being cocky. With conveniently having a pair of scissors in your back pocket, and with talking Hart into giving you his coat."
"Although I do appreciate the gesture."
Tasmin rolled her eyes. "You have to forgive my partner. She hasn't taken her anti-lustin recently."
The Sue looked Emma up and down. "Wouldn't that be sorted by looking in the mirror in the morning?"
"Is that you saving the best for last?"
"What do you mean?"
Tasmin pulled her Colt M1911 from her holster and shot the Sue. "That."
"We didn't waste any time on this one."
"Hmm." Tasmin stepped over the body of the Sue that had fallen on the floor. She holstered the gun. "Open up a portal. And don't you ever push me into a fic again without letting me read it first."
A/N: Just a little quick and dirty Sue-killing. I wrote this when there was just one chapter to the story. At that time the story should have been classified as humour. A serious story would require a better motivation for the thugs to kidnap the girl, and it would also need a reason for the girl to not be afraid. Anyone with rational thought would be afraid if they were kidnapped and tied to a chair. Even if they do not show that fear.
Oh wait, the main character was a teenager. Forget what I said about rationality. ;-)