The Greatest Heist

Disclaimer: I own not Naruto.

WARNING: This story will contain mild shounen and shojo ai. In fact, there's a wee bit of shounen ai in this chapter. If that scares/disturbs you in any way, shape, or form, don't read it.

Chapter One:
Ours But to Do and Die

"Hurry up, Dog!" called the black-clad blonde, already halfway out of the windowsill.

"Hang on, stupid." grumbled the other occupant of the grubby room, a messy haired brunette. He was still pulling on his long sleeved black turtleneck, one arm sticking out awkwardly and half of his chest exposed. "Do you have your mask on yet?"

The blonde pouted - an expression that was entirely lost on Dog, as he was currently pulling the turtleneck over his head. "I don't like the mask. It's itchy!" he complained.

"How old are you, Fox? Five?" asked Dog scathingly. "Act like the master thief you are and just put the damn thing on!" He had finally gotten his shirt on and was donning his mask - a black cloth that covered his entire face and head. The material was made so that Dog could see through it, but no one looking at him could see his face.

Fox sighed, swinging his other leg out of the window and dangling them over the twenty-nine storey drop. "Fine, boss." he replied sarcastically, pulling the cloth over his head. "Let's get going." He jumped out of the window, closely followed by Dog.


"We have a five-eighteen at the corner of Fifth and Main. I repeat, a five-eighteen at Fifth and Main. Send at least two officers with a backup EMT squad ASAP."

"Roger that. I'm sending the officers now and calling the EMT." replied the heavyset orange-haired man sitting at the dispatch desk. He punched in a code on the ham radio device. "Lieutenant Hatake and Officer Kimimaro, there's been a five-eighteen at the corner of Fifth and Main. I want you two to get there as fast as you possibly can. There's probably going to be an EMT squad there two - I gather it's bad."

"Roger." replied the serious Kimimaro.

"Whatever," sighed Hatake, sounding as bored as ever.

Jirobu gritted his teeth - the lieutenant's lazy attitude never failed to get on his nerves. He was already dialing the number for the emergency squad that was loosely affiliated with the police: EMT Team Seven. "This is Jirobu from the police dispatch office. There's been a five-eighteen at the corner of Fifth and Main, get there as fast as you possibly can."

"I'm on it." replied a deep, yet feminine voice. That was Tsunade, famous emergency room doctor. She was very responsible, and Jirobu knew she already understood what she needed to do. He put his radio-phone down, heart finally slowing down and his adrenaline dissipating.

"What was that, Jirobu?" asked his intern curiously. She was an red-haired girl with a ski cap flattening her bangs so that they hung down between her eyes.

"There's been a mugging at Fifth and Main Street, and the criminal is being held by civilians." replied Jirobu automatically as he punched in the numbers for the commander's phone. "Orochimaru, this is Jirobu. There's a mugging at Fifth and Main, so I'm sending Kimimaro and Hatake to the crime scene. They also requested an EMT squad, so I alerted Team Seven."

"Thank you, Jirobu." replied the hissing voice of his commander. "Who was the officer on patrol - I want to talk to them."

"Lieutenant Zabuza, sir."

"Thank you." A soft 'click' came through the phone line, letting Jirobu know his boss had hung up. He put down the phone gently, returning to his paperwork.


Fox clung to the wall with special pads attached to his fingers. They worked like a gecko's sticky toes, creating friction with smooth surface and allowing the boy to climb up walls and hang from ceilings. "Hey Dog Boy!" he called lightly to the panting brunette behind him, his breath whooshing out in white clouds with every word. "You okay?"

"Fine." Dog gritted his teeth and hauled himself up further. He had no idea why Fox liked the 'sticky-pads', as they called their gadgets, so much - he could barely get used to them. His hands were cramped and numb, although they would have been worse without the doubly insulated thermal gloves he was wearing.

The duo were climbing up a tall building, making for the thirty-second floor. They had started from a small room on the twenty-ninth floor - the highest civilians were allowed to enter without special permission, climbing out the window and making their way around the outside of the structure until they reached their goal. It was a freezing, blustery night, which made their job much more dangerous but kept away any curious passerby. As Rat, their genius hacker, had put it, they would just have to deal with the 'troublesome' weather.


In the parking lot, the aforementioned genius and his equally smart companion were sitting in a small, cramped car, eyes blurred and tired from reading endless amounts of vital stats - Dog and Fox's vitals, the camera readouts, motion sensors, the weather forecasts, et cetera.

"This is troublesome," muttered the pony tailed hacker as he loaded yet another false feed into a camera the climbers had just encountered.

His companion giggled. "I think it's kinda fun… we're fooling those stupid big-shot security guards." She thumbed over her shoulder at the two bored-looking police officers sitting in a patrol car. Ever so often, they would drive once or twice around the building in to check the boundaries.

"Cat… you're troublesome too." replied Rat, not looking up from his data.


"This…" stated a slim, black-haired officer, unknowingly echoing Rat's favorite statement, "is troublesome." He sighed, breath frosting out in an icy cloud.

His stoic partner, a pale-eyed boy with very long hair, said nothing, just glanced at him out of the corner of his eye.

"Why did we get stuck with this stupid job anyway?" The man continued his rant, running a hand through his carefully styled hair, spiked in the back. "It's ridiculous - we're 'guarding' an art party! Who the hell would crash an art party?"

His companion snorted. "It is our destiny, as always, to obey the commands of our higher-ups and not question their dubious levels of intelligence." he deadpanned.

The black-haired man had to smirk. "Neji, cut the destiny crap - it makes you sound like some kind of freak… But seriously, this," he waved a hand at their surroundings - a packed parking lot, a gray building, and a sidewalk empty of pedestrians - "is not why I became a cop."

Neji shrugged. "Ours not to make reply, ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die." he quoted. (1)

The officer sighed again, watching his breath gust out in a pale cloud. "Neji, enough with the philosophical shit. I got plenty of that from college."

His partner gave a half smile, the only indication that he had heard. His attention was suddenly elsewhere - on the thirty-second floor of the building, to be exact. "Sasuke, look!" He grabbed his companion's arm and pointed up to where he was watching two small, black-clad figures ascending the walls.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, watching the duo struggle up the building. "Thieves." he spat. "This job is getting more interesting… finally."

"Alert! There's a four-twenty-five at the Gaskill Industries building; not accomplished yet but in progress! Send helicopters and a ground security force!" Neji spat into the radio.


"Shit." cursed Cat, turning around to look at the police officers once more. "Rat, they've spotted Dog and Fox."

The genius sighed. How troublesome. "Contact them on the radio and tell them to get away. We'll meet them at the spot."

Cat was already yelling into her headset. "Dog! Fox! You've been spotted. Get off that building NOW!"

Rat turned to look at the two cops. Sure enough, one was watching the two thieves and the other was yelling something into his dashboard radio. "Shit." He echoed Cat's statement, because, what else could be said?


"Dog! Fox! You've been spotted! Get off the building NOW!" screamed Cat's voice in Dog's earpiece. Her message caused the brunette to stop and shout to his companion. "Fox! Didja hear her? We need to get away now!"

Fox gave him a thumbs up to show that he had heard, and his voice came through Dog's earpiece, sounding clear and confident. "We'll need to use the rappels. Do you have yours attached?"

Dog nodded an affirmative.

"Release on my count." said Fox, beginning to sound excited. "One… Two… NOW!" The blonde let go of the walls and began to fall.

His companion gulped and let go slightly less confidently. He had to yell as they plummeted in free fall, the wind whipping their clothes and tearing at their exposed skin. "Slow down!" he yelled to Fox as they reached the sixth storey. Dog was already arresting his fall by tightening his grip on the almost invisible wire suspending him.

Fox's mutter couldn't be clearly heard through the radio, but Dog guessed it was one of disappointment - his partner had always liked daring stunts like this.

Both would-be thieves slowed their descents and began rappelling down the rest of the building as quickly as possible. Fox could already hear the buzz of the helicopters over the blustering wind. They're close… but they won't catch me, he thought confidently as he finally reached the ground.


"What the hell?" shouted Sasuke, grabbing Neji's arm.

His partner shook him off irritably. "What?"

Sasuke pointed to the side of the building, where the two thieves seemed to have jumped off. "What are they doing?" he asked, afraid that this would turn from an attempted thievery to a case of accidental death. The officer turned away in the last few moments, not wanting to see the duo splatter on the pavement.

"They're rappelling, dumbass." replied his partner.


"Look! They must have had ropes attached to them or something."

Sasuke turned to see the two thieves safely swinging their way back down the building. He felt a twinge of relief that they were safe.

Neji started the car and sped to where the burglars would descend. "Sasuke! Alert the others."

Sasuke was already shouting in the radio. "Helicopter teams, the guys are down now! Ground forces, prepare to surround building, make for northeast corner! They can't get away!"


As he and Dog reached the third storey, Fox heard the wail of police sirens. "Not good." he muttered to himself. "Hey! Dog Boy! We gotta hurry or else the cops are gonna be waiting for us!"

They both increased their speed, and it was a matter of seconds before they reached the second story. Dog looked down and saw a police car waiting at their landing site. "Shit. Hey Fox! New plan: we're going in!"

Fox looked down quickly, then nodded an affirmative to him. The two kicked open a window and swung themselves in, simultaneously loosing their rappelling lines.

The two found themselves in a dimly lit room, furnished sparsely with a desk, a computer, and a large filing cabinet. Its owner was either at the party or home for the night.

"Quick! Dog, get changed. We need to get the cops off our tail!" Fox was already stripping, pulling off his mask and replacing his insulated, skintight turtleneck with a dress shirt and bowtie. He pulled on a pair of black tuxedo pants and buttoned them carefully. A tux jacket was hung casually over his arm, and he pulled a briefcase from his pack and stuffed everything in it.

Dog had rapidly undergone the same transformation. "What now?" he asked, hastily smoothing his rumpled brown hair.

"We go up!" replied Fox, already beginning to sprint out the door. Dog followed him hastily.

The pair found themselves in an elevator, headed for the twenty-ninth floor. "So, what are we doing?" asked Dog.

Fox glanced at him, then up at the ceiling, putting a finger up to his lips.

Dog nodded. He's right, there can be surveillance devices everywhere. I hope Cat and Rat managed to wipe our patterns from the camera in that room…


"Damn." cursed Cat. "The police are at their landing site."

"They'll make a plan." replied Rat, tapping various keys on his laptop. "I need to jam the police communications… it might take me a while. You need to erase their patterns from whatever camera they show up on."

Cat nodded, pulling up a window that allowed her to view live feed from all the security devices. She looked up in time to see Dog and Fox slip in through a second story window. The hacker quickly pulled up all the feeds from the cameras on the second floor, then proceeded to give them all a loop that showed empty rooms. What are they planning? She was tempted to call them through radio, but realized it would be too risky.

"Hey Panda!" she called up to the driver. "We need to leave before the cops block off all the exits."

Panda, a slim girl with buns on each side of her head, nodded, starting the car. The slim, black Toyota pulled out of its parking space and inconspicuously left the parking lot.

Five minutes later, Cat signaled for Panda to stop. The driver pulled into the lot of a busy diner, practically glowing all over with garish neon lights. "This is good - any further and I'll lose my connection with the building's grid."


The two police officers watched as their quarry slipped into a conveniently placed second-storey window. Neji began radioing their reinforcements to tell them about the thieves' change in position as Sasuke began to leave.

"Dammit!" cursed Sasuke, preparing to exit the police car. "Neji! We have to go catch them!"

His partner shook his head, grabbing Sasuke's arm to restrain him. "We wait here until reinforcements arrive. You know the rules."

Sasuke huffed and slumped back into his seat, glowering angrily. "Damn the orders." he grumbled.

"Ours not to reason why-" Neji began quoting before Sasuke silenced him with a painful grip on his arm.

"Shut up."


The elevator seemed to take forever to climb to the twenty-ninth floor. Fox spent the time jittering nervously and hoping his plan would work. The tuxes were a back-up disguise, for quick escape in case they were in danger. They weren't really meant to hold up to a close inspection. He began lacing and unlacing his fingers, praying fervently. I need this to work, I need this to work…

Finally there was a soft 'ding' from the elevator. The doors whooshed open, waiting for the duo to exit. "Just follow my lead." Fox whispered softly to Dog, nervously smoothing his hair one last time before stepping out into the corridor.

Dog walked out after him nervously. This plan of his had better work…

The two walked the corridors, ever so often looking back nervously. Fox still trusted that their accomplices would wipe them from the video, but it never hurt to make sure there wasn't a posse of security guards tracking their every move.

His companion was still oblivious as to what the thief was planning. He followed Fox's meandering path through the building, biting his tongue to prevent from asking any questions. Finally, once the blonde pulled him into an empty room and shut the door, Dog opened his mouth. "What the hell are you planning?" he hissed.

Fox grinned at him. "I'm going to set up a scenario that will make the police leave us alone. You need to cover up those marks, though." The thief pointed at the large, red, upside-down triangles on Dog's face.

"Righto." replied the brunette, digging in his pack for his supply of foundation. "But seriously… what are you planning?"

His partner just winked at him, carefully applying makeup to his own whisker-like face marks. "I could tell you," he said, picking up a mirror and examining his reflection critically. "But you wouldn't like it."

Dog shuddered inwardly. Last time Fox wouldn't tell him one of his plans, he had ended up being almost pushed off of Sarutobi Bridge in an 'attempted suicide.' "This doesn't involve me jumping out the window, right?" he asked nervously.

The blonde shook his head. "Hide your stuff and mess up your hair. Un-tuck part of your shirt too." he instructed, doing the same things. "I hear people down the hall."


"Finally." muttered Sasuke as what seemed like half of Konoha's police department arrived, led by Lieutenants Zabuza and Haku. He and Neji climbed out of their car to give the forces a briefing.

"We spotted two thieves climbing the building, and alerted you guys. Somehow they realized we saw them and rappelled down the building. We went to intercept them but the got into the building at the second storey. They are now somewhere between the first and twenty-ninth floor - no one has exited." said Neji quickly.

Zabuza nodded. "Haku, take your forces and search from the fifteenth floor up. We'll do the ground level. Men! Split up in groups of two. Neji, Sasuke, I want you to head back to headquarters and report to the Commander."

Sasuke grumbled darkly as the reinforcements flooded the building. Neji just caught the words "Damn them" and "I never get to do anything" as the two climbed back into the car.


Haku sprinted down the hall with his partner, Temari. His long brown hair bounced up and down in its ponytail as they jogged through the corridors of the twenty-ninth floor. The pair had checked every door they came to, with no results. The cop was beginning to get worried. I hope it's not who I think it is… he's an idiot to have thought he could get away with it. The thieves had better be up here…

He was jolted out of his reverie by Temari's call. "Oi, Haku! There's another door over here!"

The officer turned around to see his partner pointing down a dimly lit corridor. There was indeed a shadowed door down the hall. "Right behind you, Temari." he said, following her into the passageway.

The two officers stopped at the closed door. Haku nodded to Temari, who swung it open quickly, pulling out her gun. The cops froze, shocked at the tableau in front of them. Two men seemed to be holding a full-blown make out session in the empty room. The blonde guy was practically wrapped around the brunette - one hand tightly around his waist and the other buried in his hair.

Temari coughed. "Ahem."

The two men looked up, startled, and hastily jumped away from each other. The taller, brown haired one blushed awkwardly.

Haku took a good look at their faces. Yup, it's them. Good thing I'm here to totally save their asses… again. "Excuse me," he began. "There's been a security breach on the premises. We've been ordered to search the building. Have you seen anyone suspicious around?"

"I doubt they've seen anything…" muttered Temari before Haku elbowed her.

"Eh… no." replied the shorter blonde. He was busily trying to smooth down his hair. "What happened?"

"Attempted burglary." replied Temari shortly, scrutinizing the duo suspiciously. There were two thieves, weren't there? And these guys are certainly suspicious enough… "Tell me… Were you two attending the party?" She got out a notebook to record responses.

Both shook their heads. "We… ah… work here." said the blonde nervously. He was now attempting to smooth the creases in his suit.

"Can I get your names, then, and your positions? The police department may need them for future reference." the female officer demanded.

"You won't… ah… give them to the company, will you?" the golden-haired man asked, fidgeting nervously.

Haku decided to take over. "No, we won't." he replied soothingly. "The information remains confidential to the police department."

"Ah… all right then… I am Shoujei Takeshi, the vice-president of Internal Design and Development." (2)

Temari scribbled the information in her notebook. "And you?" she asked, glaring at the brunette who had, so far, refrained from speaking.

"Takahashi Minoru. Research and Development." He picked up his briefcase and suit jacket, which had been carelessly thrown onto the desk. "May we leave now?"

Haku nodded. "We will escort you to your car." he said politely. Inwardly, he was grinning at the deviousness of their plan. Lying bastards, he thought happily.

"Well, we both walk home." replied the blonde, also shouldering his briefcase and putting on his jacket.

"Then both of us will at least take you outside the building - you can't get through without a police escort." said Temari briskly, turning to leave. The two men followed behind her with Haku bringing up the rear.


"Shit…" sighed Dog in relief. "Finally got rid them."

Fox just laughed and put his earpiece back on. "Hey Cat! Where are you guys?"

"I am never going along with one of your plans again. That was disgusting." continued Dog in disgust.

His partner shrugged nonchalantly. "It saved our asses, Dog. You should be grateful."

The brunette snorted. "You're gay, so it was fine with you. I, on the other hand, am straight!"

"I'm not gay, I'm bisexual." replied Fox, offended.


The blonde stuck his tongue out at the taller boy. "They're at Ruby's Roadside Diner, that really neon-y restaurant down the street." he said, referring to their accomplices' whereabouts.

"I hope they got some food." Dog grumbled. "I need something to get your taste out of my mouth." He spat on the sidewalk.

"Hey! Not cool!"

Dog just snickered as they arrived at the old style eatery. He looked around the crowded parking lot for a moment before he saw the familiar black Toyota. "There they are!" he called to Fox, pointing.

When they reached the car, Cat immediately burst out giggling. "I can't believe you guys did that! You're lucky I wiped you from the cameras!" Even Rat was chuckling slightly

"Shut up." muttered Dog, sliding into the front passenger seat. "Let's just go home."

Panda started the car. "Guys… we need an easier plan next time." she said.

Rat nodded. "I'm working on one. We should be able to do a break-in by Wednesday."

"Three days?" whined Fox. "Damn. I really wanted that painting too."

Cat shrugged. "Ya win some, ya lose some. It would've been cool though… could've brought us a lot of money…" She paused for a moment then changed the subject rapidly. "Hey! Wonder what Mom'll say if I told him what you two had to do?"

"God, no. Please don't." pleaded Dog.

Fox just laughed as they drove back home.

(1) This is a quote from Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem Charge of the Light Brigade. It's a very famous poem, and a very famous quote.
(2) They say their last names first here.

A/N: Meh… this is the fifth time I edited and re-uploaded this fic… it's my first multi-chaptered story, and I think I'm finally satisfied with what I've written. Yeah, I know it's cliché, but it's cute too.

Read and Review, please!