Fun With Disguises

The class sat, bored out of their collective minds, as their teacher droned on about doom, or ruin, or whatever the destructive word of the day was. She glanced at the clock.

"Do you all know what time it is, class?"

"11:59," the class replied in bored unison.

"No, it's recess time," said Ms. Bitters. "But since you all got it wrong we're going to have biology time as punishment instead."

"Awww!" the class groaned.

"Quiet!" she hushed. "Now the school can't afford biology textbooks, so just open your math books to page 143. There's a picture of a seahorse in the corner, that's biological." More grumbles from the class were heard as the teacher began her lecture. "For the next few … hours … we'll learn the following about the seahorse: Body structures and organs, what they eat …"

No one listened to her. Dib in particular was in his own world. He glared at an oblivious Zim, who was staring intently at the seahorse picture.

"Their daily life and activity, history and evolution …" she continued.

Dib just couldn't get Zim out of his mind. 'What is he thinking about? Is he plotting our demise right now?' he asked himself.

"Their reproduction ..."

Ms. Bitters rambled on about these things the rest of that Friday afternoon, with the constant pester of Zim's questions.

Zim waved both his arms. "Ms. Bitters, how did the Earth horse evolve into such a small and pathetic ocean dwelling creature?"

"It didn't. Other way around."

"And why does this seahorse not eat sea-hay and live in a sea-barn?" asked Zim. "And if the male has the babies, why isn't that just the female?"

"I'd tell you but the skool won't allow it."

The bell rang. The kids jumped out of their seats and ran down the hallway. "Yay, weekend time!" one shouted as he tripped Zim.

As they walked home, Dib rambled on as usual as Gaz pounded away at her GameSlave 2. "You know that long skool lesson about the seahorse?" he asked, thinking intently.

"No. I'm not in your class."

"I realized something during it. We know so much about these stupid little fish or whatever they are, but I only know a little about the Irkens. If we could study them like we do the seahorses, maybe we'd have a better chance at defeating Zim."

"Jeez, is there anything that doesn't make you think about Zim?"

He carried on, oblivious. "Even just the basics like our outline from skool. What was it? Evolution, food, organs … umm ..." He pulled out his notebook to read the rest.

"You actually took notes?"

"If only there was some way for me to find out though …" He thought hard.

"Why don't you just go to his house and ask him? He's so dumb he'd probably just tell you."

"Gaz, I'm being serious." He sighed. They were walking up their driveway now.

Suddenly an idea struck Dib and he scampered into the garage. He decided he would try to look up some of the information using Tak's ship. He hooked it up with his laptop and began tinkering with it. "This ship has lots of information in it, but it's so hard to decode. I can do it though…. It's not like I have a life or anything."

He worked for hours on the ship's computer, wading through file after file. Finally he noticed something that really caught his eye.

"This has really caught my eye," he said, echoing the narration. "Tak's personality is still on here! I thought it'd been erased when I downloaded mine." He sat and thought. "How can I use this to my advantage?"

He ran inside and grabbed the phone.

Gaz spied him from the kitchen table. "What are you doing, Dib?" she snapped. "It must be something weird because you never use the phone due to you not having any friends."

"You'll see." He put on a headset connected to his laptop, then dialed a number.

Over at Zim's house, the Doom song rang down the hall. "GIR, be quiet! Aren't you aware I'm probably torturing humans or something?"

"That's not me, master," said GIR. "See? I busy washing bees. It's my cell phone ringtone!"

"Cell ... phone?" Zim scoffed. "Such inferior human technology!"

"I gots me wallpaper with a nekked picture of me on it! Hehe!"

Zim just shook his head and continued what he was doing. With all this talking, they forgot to answer the phone.

Back at the Membrane house, Dib sighed and hung up.

"Well that was anti-climatic," said Gaz.

"I was going to use Tak's voice from the computer to talk to Zim," said a dejected Dib. "And find out all sorts of cool Irkens secrets. But they didn't answer."

"Oh, yeah. Most people talk about their organs and evolution on a regular basis," Gaz replied sarcastically. "Seriously, Dib, I think that was your lamest plan yet."

Dib sat down at the table and held his face in his hands. "I know it was. I'm running out of ideas ..."

"I still think mine was good."

"What, going to his house and asking him? That's worse than mine!"

"That's what Tak did."

"No, she didn't." He paused. "Wait. She did fool him though …" He grinned evilly. "…with a disguise." He hopped out of his chair. "Thanks, Gaz! You've just inspired me!"

"Eh?" She looked up from her videogame but he was nowhere to be seen. She shrugged. "Phfffft, I'm sure it's just as lame as always ..."

Back in the garage, Dib's fingers clicked away at the keyboard. "This plan isn't lame at all!" he said proudly. DING! "Yes! I've found the program Tak used for her disguise. Now I can disguise myself as her and fool Zim!"

"Son! What have I said about cross-dressing?" shouted Membrane from his lab.

"You can hear me all the way from in there, Dad?"

"Of course, offspring! You always talk very loud about your nonsensical plans!"

"... I've got to stop talking to myself."

He stayed up all night planning. It took four Red Bulls and twelve Pixy Stix, but finally everything was order. "Soon Zim, I will know everything about you!"

"That's very creepy, son!"

"Stop listening to me, Dad! I'm trying to do my cool-sounding speech!" His shoulders hunched over in exhaustion. "Oh, well … what's the point?"