The Art of Dating

Summary: James Potter is the last person anybody would expect to ask for help. But he does need help… with women. When the most unlikely person offers to help him out, is she getting herself into something deeper than she predicted? Lily/James of course

A/N: This is just a bit of fluff I got stuck in my head. It'll only be a few chapters long and hopefully someone out there will enjoy it. To be honest, the prologue isn't very significant or anything I just couldn't help writing a few of the most awful pick up lines I've heard and of course making up smart arse responses.

Disclaimer: It doesn't take a genius to work out that I am not JK Rowling nor do I own Harry Potter. Some of these pick up lines are not mine either although most of the responses are.

Prologue: Fruitless Attempts at Wooing

James: "If I followed you home, would you keep me?"

Lily: "No. I'd take you to the zoo where you belong."


James: "Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?"

Lily: "Do you even know what an airport is Potter?"

James: "Erm… some kind of animal?"


James: "Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And baby, I'm lost at sea."

Lily: "Not only is that an awful pickup line but my eyes are green you dolt."

James: "Oh right. Well then… your eyes are green, like the grass. And baby, I'm lost… on a farm?"

Lily: "That was even worse than the first one Potter."


James: "Pinch me."

Lily: "If you insist."

James: "Damn it Evans that hurt!"

Lily: "So, was there any particular reason you wanted me to inflict pain on you, not that I minded in the least?"

James: "I was going to say 'because you're so fine I must be dreaming'. But in my dream you would have snogged me senseless not given me a bruise."

Lily: "I can give you another one to match if you'd like."

James: "No thanks. Bye."


James: "You have the body of a goddess."

Lily: "And you have a face not even your mother could love."


James: "Beautiful Lily Flower, are you busy today?"

Lily: "Yes."

James: "Tomorrow then?"

Lily: "Prior engagement"

James: "Okay, then when are you free?"

Lily: "For you… never."



James: "Look! It's mistletoe."

Lily: "Look, its beef stew. If you ever try to kiss me again that's what your face is going to look like when I'm through with you."


James: "W-"

Lily: "Don't even start with me today Potter unless you want to be cursed so hard not even your own mother will recognise you.

James: "It now a bad time to tell you that you're shirt is see through?"


James: "Something tells me you're sweet. Can I have a sample?"

Lily: "Will you still think I'm sweet when I shove this fork down your throat?"

James: "Erm… yes?"


James: "Your lips look so lonely... Would they like to meet mine?"

Lily: "Would your groin like to make contact with my foot?"

James: "I think I'll be leaving now."


James: "Damn! Somebody needs to write explosive on you, because you are the bomb!"

Lily: "Damn, someone needs to tattoo loser to your forehead. Oh wait, it looks like they already have."

James: "This spell had better not be permanent Evans!"

Lily: "Don't worry, it should wear off in a few days."


James: "How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?"


James: "Maybe another time then?"


James: "What's a nice girl like you doing talking to a loser like me?"

Lily: "I dunno. I must be flypaper for freaks."

James: "I didn't know Snape was talking to you earlier. Eww."

Lily: "I was talking about you."


James: "Your body is like a temple."

Lily: "Sorry, there are no services today."


James: "Do you believe in love at first site, or do I need to walk by again?"

Lily: "I have an idea, walk by again and keep going! If you're lucky maybe you'll even walk straight into the wall. The hospital wing would love your company for a few days."


James: "Hey baby! That dress looks gorgeous on you! But, it would look even better lying on my bedroom floor."

Lily: "You're sick Potter. And the only way my dress will ever get there is if you buy another one just like it and throw it there yourself! And don't even think of stealing from my dorm Potter."


James: "Hey, go out with me Evans?"

Lily: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."


James: "Lily my love, I would do anything for just one date."

Lily: "Well aren't you quite the romantic? Hmm, you mean anything?"

James: "Absolutely. Just name it."

Lily: "Do my transfiguration homework for a month?"

James: "Consider it already done."

Lily: "Buy me a Ferrari?"

James: "Whatever that is, just tell me where to get one."

Lily: "Eat pickled dragon dung?"

James: "I've heard it's a delicacy. Just provide me with a bucket to throw up in afterwards and you're on."

Lily: "Kiss Serverus Snape?"

James: "EWW! That's disgusting! You're not serious are you?"

Lily: "Yuk. Do I really look like I've recently sprouted facial hair?"

James: "…"

Lily: "No kiss no date Potter."

James: "Okay okay. Whatever you want. I'll do it."

Lily: "Really? You're lack of objection is a little disturbing Potter."

James: "Whatever. So we're on for Hogsmeade next weekend?"

Lily: "Hell no. I just wanted to see how far you'd go for a date. You'd really kiss Snape? That's disgusting."


James: "Did it hurt falling from heaven? Because with a face like that, you must be an angel."

Lily: "Did it hurt falling from the top of the ugly tree? Because with a face like that, you must have hit every branch on the way down."


I've been writing down any new pick up lines I've heard or thought up and decided to add them to the collection. I hope they give you a few laughs.


James: "You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life."

Lily: "And you're like one of those annoying children's picture books with the stupid cartoons that have heads like footballs and keep sprouting cheesy lines."


James: "You're one in a million."

Lily: "So are your chances."


James: "Would you like to come to a nudist camp with me - I could show you what I've got to offer?"

Lily: "I could see that sort of thing in a packet of shrimps."


James: "Would you accept if I were to ask you out?"

Lily: "No, I don't accept cheap gifts."


James: "It must be my birthday because the sight of you is the most important gift I've ever had."

Lily: "What about your natural gift for repulsing people?"


James: "If love is a drug, I'm addicted to you."

Lily: "I recommend going cold turkey."


James: "You have the body of a Goddess."

Lily: "Thanks. And you have the body of a God… Buddha."


James: "I've got a condom with your name on it."

Lily: "You must be mistaken. My name's not Durex Extra Small."


James: "Am I the light of your life?"

Lily: "No, you're far too dim."


James: "Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day."

Lily: "Are you tired? It looks exhausting trying to find enough brain cells to come up with a line a corny as that."


Please review and tell me which one you liked best, if any. I know this sort of thing has been done countless times which is why this is just the prologue, not the actual story.