Disclaimer: Ouran is not mine.
Summary: Renge has her hands quite, er, full. Strangely enough, the Host Club doesn't appreciate her efforts at all.
Author's note: Also called, 'A most woeful tale in which a marriage proposal is made, Hunny gets to be scary, and a joke is shamelessly exploited.'
The day was warm and nice, the smell of roses and cake lingered in the air and currently, Renge's hands were full of breast.
She had entered the just closed for the day Host Club.
It had been meant to be a hug.
A wrong turn.
And breasts had happened.
Haruhi's breasts, at that.
Haruhi, who was a boy.
And had breasts.
Renge stared at her hand.
Then at Haruhi.
"You have breasts," she observed.
"I know," Haruhi commented.
Renge thought for a moment.
"You have breasts," her mind managed to grasp.
"I still know," Haruhi, who had breasts, commented further.
Meanwhile, at the same time as this mind-boggling conversation took place between Renge and Haruhi, the other Host Club members' minds were boggled by said conversation.
"Does Renge-chan-" Hunny started to ask from his place next to Mori, a few feet away from the girls, Bun-Bun clasped between his arms.
"It would seem so," Kyouya stated from somewhere behind them, the notebook in his left hand open, but the pen in his right not moving.
Beside him, a long since fainted heap of limbs, melodramatics and perfectly kempt blond hair twitched.
"Ah," Mori said agreeably and put a hand on Hunny's shoulder, but his eyes never strayed from Haruhi.
Releasing long suffering sighs, the twins stood next to the others and, quite coincidentally of course, on a twitching heap of limbs.
"This is terrible," Hikaru remarked, his gaze locked on the two girls.
"A disaster," Kaoru agreed, taking his brother's hand.
They looked at each other out of the corners of their eyes and simultaneously declared, quite gravely:
"Why, oh why, didn't we think of such a game?"
At this, a heap twitched again, melodramatics were enforced, blond hair stayed perfectly kempt and limbs arose, forcing the twins to take a step back.
"Oh, mother," Tamaki groaned and leaned against a nearby wall, completely forgetting to wonder at the shoe prints on his school uniform. (Totally by accident of the same size as the shoes the twins wore.)
"I had the most terrible dream." Tamaki continued, his hands clutching at his chest, as if he had troubles breathing, "There was Renge. Haruhi. Breasts. And touching."
Kyouya let his notebook snap shut. "I advise you to not turn your head exactly ninety-two degrees to your left."
"Uh… Okay," Tamaki said and, naturally, did as he was told not to do.
Kaoru patted his mourning twin's hand consolingly. "It's all right, Hikaru, I am sure they will let us play too, if we ask nicely."
Hunny cocked his head to the side, a thoughtful expression upon his childish features.
"Shouldn't we help Haru-chan?"
Tamaki unfroze. "Help! Of course!" he cried, quite energetically all of a sudden, "Disaster scenario 2! Rescue commoner from not-common occurrence! Quick, assemble!"
With those words, he began to march over to the girls, hair and melodramatics still in high-gear, to lead his loyal and trustworthy companions into a battle against that vile breast touching occurrence.
Only, his loyal and trustworthy companions refused to be led.
Instead, they watched, evidently very loyally and trustworthy, as Tamaki made his way over, shouting about the misdeed of desecrating their commoner's pure innocence.
(It sounded a little something like this: "Don't worry, Haruhi, I and my faithful minions shall revenge your pure commoner's innocence and slay this foul dragon for you! From your er… chest. Breast. You know what I mean!")
Being faithful minion number one, Hunny stood far off at the side and had not moved an inch from his place at a stoic Takashi's side. "Disaster scenario 2?"
"A dragon?" The twins threw in, dedicated followers as ever, and stayed clear from the area Tamaki had declared a battle field.
Kyouya adjusted his glasses. "I think he is referring to the imaginary back-up plan he never had the grace to share with us."
"Now, that makes sense," the twins echoed, while Mori watched Tamaki come to a halt in his dragon slay quest, and thus, before the girls.
When Renge spotted Tamaki, she changed her, as mentioned, mind-boggling conversation topic from 'You have breasts' to:
Now, Tamaki considered himself quite versed in handling delicate situations of all kinds.
So, he quickly put his devious bluffing skills to use.
"Breasts!" he cried, made bolt by the (albeit imaginary) support of his followers, "Of course, she… er… he has breasts!"
Renge let her gaze wander from her hands, to Haruhi's chest, to Tamaki.
When Haruhi spotted Tamaki at that moment, she only changed her facial expression from carefully blank to subtly distressed.
"Yes!" Tamaki continued, undaunted, "It's the latest trend from Paris. Soon everybody will want to have a pair. In fact, I am considering getting some myself!"
The tick, tick, tick of Haruhi's wrist-watch (the only one not digital) was heard very loudly in the silence following this statement.
Then, from the sidelines, there came a chirp of: "Can I get a pair, too, Taka-chan?"
A muscle in Mori's face twitched.
Kyouya broke the pen in his hands in two. (And accrued the costs mentally to Haruhi's debt, before he took out a new one.)
The twins simultaneously forget all about mourning, laughter forcing its way through whatever words had been on their tongues.
Haruhi buried her face in her hands.
Renge, er, held on.
Faced with all this overwhelming devotion and loyalty from his followers, (and a slightly doubtful look from Renge), Tamaki faltered slightly. "It's… It's the Chest-Fairy's fault!"
Kaoru and Hikaru went down to the ground, clutching their stomachs and choking on laughter, defeated by Tamaki's awe-inspiring rescue performance.
"Nekozawa!" Tamaki cried, his face acquiring differing shades of the same dark colour, "Yes, Nekozawa summoned the Chest-Fairy to curse the, I assure you, normally very manly Haruhi with er… chest."
Kyouya wondered if part of disaster scenario 2 was to create complete new disastrous situations.
Haruhi buried deeper.
Renge raised her eyebrows, all concentration on her hands.
"He has?" she inquired with doubt in her tone.
"Er…" Tamaki stuttered for a second, "Yes, and what's more, would you believe me if I told you those are not breasts, they are… er… warts?"
Haruhi unburied her face long enough to glare at Tamaki. "Renge," she began, "in fact, I am a-"
The rest was lost between the skin of two pairs of hands sneaking up on her from behind and coming to rest on her mouth.
"Why hello, Renge," the twins remarked by way of greeting, draped around a completely blank Haruhi, "You know, it's impolite to play with other people's toys without asking."
Renge blinked, just once, and decided to handle one issue at a time, the maximum of Host Club antics her poor stressed mind could deal with for the moment.
"They are… warts?"
Tamaki squeaked because of the death glare Haruhi sent his way, while the twins nuzzled her neck.
Renge chose to take that as a yes and carried on glancing at her hands with outmost attention.
"Well," she said thoughtfully after a while, "They are rather small."
Along with her words, she gave an experimental squeeze.
All the red on Tamaki's face made place for a lack of colour.
Kyouya might have moved a corner of his mouth downwards.
Haruhi's reaction was obscured by a tangle of limbs, as the twins' faces reappeared at either side of her chest area, one of each of their hands still on their toy's mouth.
"Yeah," they agreed with Renge, as they looked at the lack of size before them, "We tell her all the time."
Naturally, and of course merely to underline their words, their free hands proceeded to give a squeeze of their own.
"Her?" Renge asked, a desperate edge to her voice.
"They mean him!" Tamaki wailed, while he put himself to the heroic task of pulling the draconic twins off his chaste daughter.
"Him?" Renge asked, her whole voice only one desperate edge.
By then, Haruhi had determined that any struggling would be futile, and so decided to do the practical thing.
She began to mentally go through her grocery shopping list for the day.
Kyouya definitely moved a corner of his mouth down.
Another muscle twitched in Mori's face.
Hunny patted his knees reassuringly.
"Him!" the Suou heir shouted right into Renge's ear, quite loudly, since for every finger he managed to pry off his daughter's chest, there seemed to attach themselves another two. "They merely are-"
Apples, Haruhi thought, apples, eggs, milk, rice needs to be refilled, too, perhaps I might even buy fish …
"-a disease!" Tamaki cried, struggling with one of Kaoru's hands, and looked wildly at the beast of fingers before him, "If you keep touching them you will contract them yourselves!"
Renge could feel her mind reeling and in the end settled on a safe: "But I already have breasts."
"Er… right," Tamaki said, at the same time as he tried choking the life out of one of Kaoru's arms, "Er… His father is a cross-dresser, too?"
Kaoru snickered so hard, he forgot struggling against Tamaki's hold. "Way to go, Tono."
"I could live with contracting those," Hikaru remarked and gave another, almost thoughtful, squeeze.
Tamaki sputtered. "Those are not-"
Melons, Haruhi went on, that is if melons are not too expensive today, tea, onions…
"-are not…" Tamaki hesitated, struggled and did what any real hero would do in his position.
"Mother!" he screeched.
And, amid screaming, wailing, touching, shock, hugs turned bad and all the subtle hints she was given, Renge began to puzzle together what she was told.
"Support me!" Tamaki screeched in Kyouya's direction, his arms full of a lot of limbs and quite an admirable amount of red hair, "Support me by doing your… your… mother thing!"
Renge puzzled some more.
Completely in sync, the twins put their free arms around Haruhi's waist, holding unto anything they could to anchor themselves to their toy.
Kyouya took a step forward, opening his notebook as he went.
Somehow, for some reason absolutely unclear, the temperature in the room dropped to-
Ice-, Haruhi paused for a moment, considering; yes, ice cream, father might get a craving for strawberry ice cream again, carrots…
Abruptly, the solution of the puzzle became clear.
"I get it," Renge exclaimed suddenly.
Tamaki went quiet.
The twins stopped their struggling.
Everyone's attention (with the exception of Haruhi's) went to the girl; their heads moving so quickly loud snaps could be heard by their necks.
"Er… Summed up," Renge said, considering the contents of her hands, feeling six stares weighing on her small frame,
"Haruhi makes a fashion-statement by being a cross-dresser wearing contagious warts pretending to be small breasts?"
For the second time that day, only the tick, tick, tick of Haruhi's wrist-watch was heard, before Tamaki exclaimed: "You forgot about the Chest-fairy!"
The twins elbowed him sharply into his side.
Renge blinked at the Suou heir.
Exactly that moment, Kyouya did a truly scary thing.
Kaoru and Hikaru took a step away from Haruhi, releasing her from their grip of almost completely their own free will.
Mori made sure to move in front of Hunny.
Haruhi needed a moment to become aware of her provisory freedom.
When she did, it took her a moment to figure out the why.
With a look at Kyouya, she pondered, shrugged finally and turned to Renge. "I need those back."
For the last time that day, Renge stared at her hands. "Um… Right. Of course."
A moment later, Renge's hands weren't full anymore.
In fact, they felt strangely empty now.
"Thank you," Haruhi told her with an almost not strained smile, "You know, I am-"
"-Quite late for your train," Kyouya interrupted, his glasses reflecting the light in the room off, "Mori, why don't you escort Haruhi and the others outside."
"That isn't-" Haruhi began to insist.
"Now," Kyouya stated, tapping his pen against the notebook.
Hunny gave Mori a pointed nod.
Next, there was protesting (the twins), shrieking (Tamaki), sighing (Haruhi), pushing and pulling (Mori) and the sensation of being carried through the air.
The door closed behind the five of them. (Though the sound volume of at least three of them could be heard for at least another five minutes.)
A sweetly smiling Hunny bounced directly up to the remaining girl and waved at her with a paw of his stuffed, very pink animal. "Bun-Bun says hello, Renge-chan!"
"Quite," Kyouya remarked dryly, remaining a few feet behind the other Host Club member, considering the girl before him.
"You are… infatuated with Haruhi, aren't you?" he made it more an observation than a question.
Renge nodded quickly, her throat quite dry.
The smile upon Kyouya's lips turned to smirk.
The girl felt the appropriate amount of fear for the occasion.
"If his… condition were to become public knowledge it might diminish his number of designations," he informed her, writing something down in his notebook, "That would be… unbeneficial for both of us, I assure you."
A pink paw was waved in front of her face.
Hunny still smiled as sweetly at her.
"Bun-Bun says he wouldn't be happy about something like that at all," he chirped in a sing-song voice.
Then, he cracked his knuckles.
Scratch afraid, Renge thought, she was terrified. (Kyouya would have felt mildly dismayed to know it wasn't by him at all.)
But, all of a sudden, perhaps out of adrenaline-driven survival instinct, another puzzle became clear to Renge and she snipped her fingers, forgetting all about being appropriately terrified.
"I see," she said, the sparkle of elaborate fan-girl fantasies in her eyes, "You like Haruhi's warts, don't you?"
Hunny lifted his small chin, completely forgetting about being appropriately terrifying. "You like warts, Kyo-chan?"
Kyouya pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "That's surely not-"
"Don't worry," Renge cut him off, going up to him and patting his arm consolingly, "They are kind of nice to the touch. For warts, that is."
Kyouya broke his second pen for that day.
After that, strangely enough, no more polite pieces of advice (read: no more veiled threats) were exchanged and Renge was asked respectfully to (read: was directly ordered to) leave the room.
Two corridors away, in an abandoned class room she had to pass on her way out, Renge found Haruhi sitting on windowsill, staring out.
After a quick heated inner debate about warts and shadow kings, Renge cocked her head into the room to take the risk of something unpleasant. "There was no train, was there?"
Haruhi turned around to face her, neither startled nor seeming surprised by her appearance.
"No," she answered simply, "I missed the first. So, no, not for another hour."
Renge took a step into the room. "Well then, why didn't you go with one of the others?"
Haruhi gave the other girl a look.
"Oh," Renge said, "Right, then."
The moment of silence threatening to ensue was chased away by the sound of Haruhi's voice.
"I am a girl."
Renge shrugged. "I know."
Haruhi stared for a moment, before shrugging as well. "Good."
"The Chest-fairy? Honestly," Renge rolled her eyes and muttered under her breath, "Such a shame, too, that he liked your warts."
Haruhi tilted her head to the side.
"Nothing important. But…" Renge clasped her hands before her chest, "…it's so romantic!"
The sparkle in her eyes, speaking of fangirling made extreme, gave Haruhi more than her fair share of the terror Renge had experienced that day.
"Oh, oh, I know!" Renge exclaimed and looked at Haruhi like she looked at her collection of games, "You have to be a girl disguising as a boy because it's the only way to get your one true love to notice you or no, even better-"
In Haruhi's defence it must be said she made at least an effort to keep up with the stream of words coming out of Renge's mouth.
Her mind simply refused to comply.
"-your strict parents forbid you from becoming an actress unless you can convince everyone you are a boy until graduation, ah! Ah! I know! You can't-"
Instead, it wished there was a longer grocery shopping list to go through.
"-be discovered as a girl because you are a murder witness and now you have to go undercover or the killer will find you and anyone you might form a relationship with might be in danger. So, you push anyone coming too near away, until you meet the one who refuses to be pushed away!"
There were so many words still to be processed Haruhi didn't notice the lack of sound in her ears at first.
When she did, she looked at Renge looking at her, Renge's eyes wide and her mouth slightly agape.
Haruhi got the distinct impression that something was expected of her.
As her mind finally did as was expected of its scholarship quality, Haruhi knew she would make a really long grocery shopping list next time, just in case.
"So, summed up," Haruhi said slowly, trying to wrap her thoughts around the concept,
"I am a girl disguising as boy trying not to be discovered as a girl, because I am fleeing from my one true love I pushed away trying to become an aspiring actress to escape my strict parents?"
Renge let out a squeal.
"Yes! You got it! You forgot about the murder witness, though!" she said and pondered the girl before her.
After deciding there had been enough pondering, Renge asked: "Marry me?"
Haruhi could feel her temples starting to throb. (Courtesy of yet another day of the efforts of rich bastards' quirks united.)
"I am a girl," she stated.
"I still know," Renge commented.
"Oh. Okay then." Haruhi massaged her forehead. "I am sorry, but no."
"Had to ask," Renge shrugged yet again, "But you must be aware every fiction plot would say, as I am the only who knows your secret, I am your only available love interest. It's a little something called plot point."
Haruhi decided to put all her natural charm and sophisticated eloquence into a single question.
Renge shook her head. "Oh, don't worry, I won't tell anyone you are a girl."
Haruhi elaborated further. "Eh?"
Renge sighed, losing a bit of the sparkle in her eyes. "But couldn't you have found a better excuse to tell the Host Club than… warts?"
Inexplicably, Haruhi felt simultaneously the need to glare at a certain non-present person and to bury her face within her hands.
Renge's voice sounded from her right. "My driver is waiting outside school. I'll give you a lift."
Her temples throbbing, a load of homework and chores still before her, Haruhi thought it over.
"You really don't have to. "
With a sigh Renge closed the distance between them and took Haruhi's arm to get her to come with her.
She tugged on Haruhi's sleeves.
There was a wrong turn and a trip and a fall.
The day was warm and nice, the smell of roses and cake lingered in the air and currently, Haruhi's hands were full of breast.
For reasons unknown, four of the Host Club members decided to head back into school at same time two members settled on heading out of the school.
(Examples for conversations on one side would be: "Only because Kaoru remembered Haruhi's train would have already taken off, we don't all have to check if she is still here, Tono!" and, on the other side: "Today, I had strawberry cake and chocolate cake and strawberry-chocolate cake and…)
Exactly that moment, all Host Club members passed that particular abandoned classroom and saw.
The Host Club members' minds were boggled.
(Then, silence was filled, screams were screamed, toys were claimed, temperature was dropped, squeals were exclaimed, knuckles were cracked and Haruhi swore to prepare at least two grocery shopping lists for the next day, just to be on the safe side.)