I actually wrote this for an English class where we were supposed to write a humorous essay or story, and I chose to do a Mary-Sue parody (ah, that beloved genre). The story turned out to be good enough to post here. If my actual paper gets a bad report for plagarism, Ms. Parker, the author of that paper and I are the same person!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters (pure and Sue-ified forms) or places (pure and Sue-ified forms) or the plot (pure and Sue-ified forms). Riverdale is a funeral home in NYC, for those who care.


Chapter One: Meeting Mary-Sue

Mary-Sue (for that is what she is, so shall she be called) is sitting inside the Prancing Pony, completely oblivious to the connotations associated with women who spend time in taverns. She has received a vision from the Valar that four hobbits will be coming that day to meet up with her cousin Aragorn, and they would need her help, for she is the only one alive who could defeat the Nazgul (no circumflex on the u. She has no time to figure out how to add them).

Ah! Mary-Sue finally sees her cousin hidden in the corner. She stands up and walks towards him (that she did it gracefully goes without question) and taps him on the shoulder.

Aragorn, who had been previously blind, deaf, and otherwise nonsentient, regains these senses. However, he seems to have forgotten everything his mother told him about beautiful women who move with unearthly grace and make him think he has recently acquired some beautiful female relative. He tries to say something, but he is again rendered incompetent.

"I watch as well," Mary-Sue informs him. Now we see Aragorn gain a new talent-the ability to read minds-so he of course knows exactly what Mary-Sue is referring to. However, he did not have the foresight to find out Mary-Sue's name during his sojourn through her mind, so he is forced to ask, "Who are you, milady?"

Now we experience one of the very rare times when Mary-Sue looses an ability-specifically, she can no longer talk. Instead of saying her name, she must show him who she is. So Mary-Sue lowers the hood of her cloak (100 suede 100 silk lining, made in Germany) so Aragorn can see her face.

At this point, we could dissertate for pages (or a chapter or two, depending on how you like to count), but it will suffice to say that she is beautiful. We are informed her hair, skin, and eyes can change color. What we are not told is that this Mary-Sue is actually a Metamorphmagus who left for Middle-earth after shagging every male in Hogwarts, Beaubatons, and Durmstrang between the ages of twelve and forty, though it is extremely likely. At this point, however, she goes for the "classic elven beauty" look, with white-blonde hair, blue eyes, and pointed ears. She has disregarded the fact that Tolkien stated quite clearly in his works that the elves have black hair (save for close relatives of Galadriel and very few others such as Glorfindel) and all have grey eyes, and has also ignored the fact that Tolkien never said that elves had single-pointed ears.

At this point, the hobbits enter. Mary-Sue, of course, spots them instantly, but Aragorn, entangled with incestuous thoughts, does not notice until Mary-Sue says, "They're here, stupid!" Aragorn is not offended; on the contrary, he thanks Mary-Sue for her wonderful eyesight and proceeds to extol the virtues of her "crystalline orbs" for the next twelve pages. At this point, Frodo has already gotten the ring on his finger, and Aragon just manages to see it out of the corner of his eye. He manages to tear himself away from Mary- Sue and goes to find Frodo, leaving Mary-Sue to file her already-perfect nails.

Mary-Sue meets up with the hobbits and Aragorn as they flee Bree. While Aragon is explaining the Nazgul to the ignorant hobbits, Mary-Sue is off killing the four of the said evils that tried to kill the hobbits. However, to account for all the Nazgul that have to appear at the end so as to accurately call this story a fanfiction and not an original fiction, Mary-Sue discovers from a dying Nazgul that there are more than Nine. There are Hundreds of Ringwraiths, and most of them have been ordered to kill her, as only she has the power to defeat Sauron.

But she is not perturbed. Oh no. Perturbed-ness is reserved for the breaking of nails, bad hair days, bad breath, Lord of the Rings fans who have read the books, and other various disasters that would take pages to list. Instead she laughs in the face of the dying demon and prances away to Riverdale (of course, she prances gracefully and does not look silly.)

Using a convenient plothole placed right outside of Bree, she makes it to Riverdale in a few hours, rather than the days it should have taken. Riverdale is across the river from Rivendell, the Stronghold of All That Is Sane in the World. In Riverdale she is greeted by Lord Elrond, who is like a father to her. That Mary-Sue's own family dead is an undisputable truth, for she must have a terribly tragic past. Arwen, who is like a sister to Mary-Sue (see previous sentence), also greets her and gushes for pages about how much lovelier and more accomplished Mary-Sue is than she. During this speech, Mary-Sue gets a new vision from the Valar of the hobbits and Aragorn in a terrible situation. Begging pardon for leaving so soon, she rushes off (gracefully, remember) to her horse, Asfaloth, who had been lent to her for the day by Glorfindel, who was off heading a campaign for sanity in fanfiction and rapidly losing it.

Mary-Sue finds another plothole to jump in and lands on the ground (do I have to say it again? Okay, gracefully) a few hundred yards from the hobbits and Aragorn. She decides that the hobbit's life is not so important at the moment, and sneaking up on Aragorn would prove infinitely funnier. So she does so, scaring Aragorn into oblivion. While he is trying to catch his breath, she makes her way over to the hobbits.
Of course, Mary-Sue, being a master healer even more advanced than Elrond, would normally be able to heal Frodo. However, healing takes effort, which is something one only uses when trying to snag a guy. So she decides that Frodo is too short for the effort and chooses to take him to Riverdale.

On the extra-long journey to Riverdale because of the lack of convenient plotholes, we are entertained by paragraph upon paragraph describing how Mary-Sue's suddenly black hair looks in the wind, and how her suddenly grey eyes sparkle in the sunlight. Then we are rudely interrupted by the plot again; five Nazgul find her. Mary-Sue urges Asfaloth on, muttering a few magic spells along the way to speed the horse up, leaving a few puffs of pink sparkly dust as an aftereffect. Finally, they make it to the Ford. As the Nazgul are stupid, they do not realize that the river is really very shallow; otherwise Mary-Sue would not be able to cross it. They just stand on the far shore.

Finally, Mary-Sue raises her arms (gracefully) and starts to chant a bunch of gibberish. Only it is not gibberish; it is the language of an ancient elven race that has never been heard of, nor ever will be, save by name (coincidentally, there is a real elven strain like that, the Ilkorin elves, but Mary-Sue doesn't know that). The chant, however, has some use, because seven (the five were joined by two more who popped out of the air) Nazgul suddenly disappeared in puffs of pink and purple smoke. Thus Mary-Sue runs off to Riverdale. After all, she has to fix her hair and get her underarms waxed before the Council.


Constructive criticism is always appreciated. I'm here to improve my writing, not my ego! No offense, but if all you're going to do is tell me to update soon, you're better off not telling me anything.