I wrote this in 2007 and I just had to fix some of the errors. If you're reading this now, understand that Itachi was still the bad guy back then and Sasuke was nothing like he is today.
Uchiha Sasuke clarifies it all
"Pssst. Bastard. Introduce yourself."
I believe you all know me. My name is Uchiha Sasuke. However, it would seem that you brainless idiots probably wouldn't be able to understand that. So you can just call me Uchiha-sama.
"Way to inflate your ego, bastard…"
Morons. Pathetic excuses for humans. Why do I say that you ask? Simple. I have read you stories on my love life and to keep it simple, I. Am. NOT. Amused. It's astonishing at the amount of 'romance' stories popping up in the 'net.' This 'net' seems to be only catching many idiots that are so bent on pairing me up with the most unsuitable partners. I will give you some lenience and bestow some sense into your head before I kill you off.
Consider yourselves lucky, as I normally don't spare my victims even a few words. You don't understand what I mean? I'm in denial? Why don't you ask Orochimaru what I mean? Oh wait, you can't. He's dead.
Ready? No? Well, perhaps you should seat yourself first off. I'm sure that the next few words will utterly shock your impractical romance enticed brains. Comfortable enough? Strapped in perhaps? Wonderful. Lets start now.
I'll begin with the topic of a sexual relationship between Uzumaki Naruto and myself.
"La la la la la! Bastard did not just say that!"
Whatever gave you the idea that there is an attraction of that sort between us? If you haven't noticed, our relationship is not love/love, but hate/hate. Sure, he was my closest friend, but even then, we did NOT feel that way towards each other. I will list out things wrong with this relationship.
1. If he was my lover, I will not be able to reproduce heirs for the Uchiha clan. Understood? That would be enough of a reason for me to not even spare another glance at this pairing, but obviously it isn't for you idiots.
2. If I like him in any sort of way other than brother/friend, then I would not have even bothered fighting him when leaving Konoha. Did you not notice that I had almost killed him? The only reason why I fought him was so that I could obtain Mangekyou! But of course, he would be stubborn and give me a fight back just to annoy me. And obviously, I spared his life so I wouldn't succumb to Itachi's wishes.
And do note that, if I had thought of him as a lover, then I could not have obtained Magekyou because I have to kill my closest friend, not lover.
Are you with me?
And now to the topic of… "Uchiha Sasuke cuddled into the arms of his lover. "Naruto." His hot breath tingled against Naruto's skin and he stared lovingly at Naruto. His sharingan eyes memorized every musc—"What the hell is this shit?"
"I think I'm scarred for life, bastard."
"Stop crying like a girl, idiot."
Ok back to our little discussion. I do NOT like the idiot that way! Get that into that thick skull of yours. What do you mean denial? I'LL show YOU denial! Come back here! I'll show you what the sharingan is made of! And NO, Sakura, I will NOT calm down! Hand me the list. Sakura. HAND ME THE LIST!
Hmm. So what's next? Sasusaku…Who's that? I've never heard of someone named Sasusaku.
By the way, that is the oddest name I have ever— Wait what? Sasusaku stands for Sasuke and Sakura? So now it's Sakura? What next? Kakashi?
Don't answer that.
What gave you that idea? Sakura, with me… What kind of logic is that? Let's look into the minds of the people writing this….oh wait, you guys don't HAVE one!
"Sakura wept silently as she covered herself in the thin bed sheets. Sasuke climbed off of her after he had done his task and strolled into the bathroom as if it were a daily routine to make love…and in a sense it was…. Holy fuck. What kind of lives do you people lead? But NO! It doesn't end there!
"Perhaps you'll get pregnant this time…" He bellowed out to her and she clutched the sheets harder. She knew that when he had requested her to marry him, he had done it only to complete his second task…. She wept into her sheets harder, but bit herself, making sure that he wouldn't hear her whimpers, for he would only think her as weak… She knew he didn't love her, but it was alright…"
Tell me that you people have been living in a cave for your entire lives and have never interacted with another human?
One. Not even Sakura would degrade herself that low. I wouldn't degrade myself that low. Do you not understand that reviving my clan means a family and a family means a loving mother and father? Not a ruthless monster and an emotion crazed girl.
And you believe that after my childhood—which I know you know about—I would do that to my wife and children?
Sakura, no you can't destroy the device. It's the only way I can communicate to these twits and the only way I can kill them.
Ok fine, I'll leave a message from you, you annoying girl.
She delivers a message to you all that if she ever sees something like that, then you will find that your nose will be located…out…of its place…lets put it that way….
Ok now, to move to straight couplings. Ouch. Sakura that hurt.
What do I mean straight couplings? Well, a girl and a guy get together and have a romantic relationship.
You know that? Then why did you ask? Yes, you are a woman. An annoying one at that, but still one.
OK fine, onto the rest of the straight couplings.
Sasuke x Hinata.
Do you understand the logic of that? I do NOT. Again, back to my second goal.
Have you noticed that every Hyuuga that was born with the blood possesses Byakugan? Hmm?
Yes, you do.
And do you understand that out of all the Uchiha's that are, wait, were alive, only fifty percent or less every generation that were born with the blood actually could activate the sharingan?
Alright now, that's cleared.
You don't get it?
Alright, lets explain.
When a baby is being made, there are dominant and recessive traits, dominant being that one that the baby will most likely have.
So, if I were to, ahum, have a child with Hyuuga Hinata, then I would be lucky if one out of four had normal eyes. And I'd be extremely lucky if that child possessed sharingan. But nevertheless, my goal is to revive my clan, meaning that even if that one child possessed sharingan, most of their children will have Byakugan.
And what if the worst were to happen and Byakugan and sharingan merged to create some whacked eyes, or make the child blind? That would make it impossible to have perfect vision.
Another Hyuuga example is Neji. I mean, imagine her bearing my child, she always acts so man—Wait what? He's a man?
That explains a lot.
You things are disgusting. Pairing me up with a male Hyuuga. Almost as bad as Orochimaru.
Now four are cleared and only about another fifty more to go. Thankfully, I spared myself from all those ridiculous romances and I have picked out two more utterly repulsive relationships that I do not and will not stand.
The snake sannin and myself having a relationship. I can't begin to describe how wrong that is on so many levels. I did not add suffixes to the end of his name, such as ¬–kun, -sama, sensei, or such, for those of you refuse to speak one language, because I did not respect him, not because I was very close to him.
For all I know, he might've been homosexual, but thankfully he did not express it on me. But I'm not so sure about what he did with that freak medic of his.
Though, his Sasuke-kun¬'s were not to my liking, and any time he licked his lips with that tongue of his, I had doubted his intentions of the needing my body for strictly gaining power, he hasn't, and will never—he's dead courtesy of yours truly—be able to seduce me.
And, never, never in the nine hells, have I ever felt any twinge of attraction to him. I would even feel more for Itachi than him. That brings us to our final topic before I am to depart today.
What were you thinking when you paired me up with that pathetic excuse of a living being?
"Uchiha Itachi grabbed Sasuke's hair forcefully and ignored his whimpers as he –censored—" Holy motherfucker.
"Is that your idea of revenge bastard? So that's why you went to Orochimaru instead of stayi—"
Well, he won't be finding himself with a leveled nose for a while now. I will not even elaborate on this pairing further. If I ever, ever read a line such as that again, I will personally torture you to death using methods that even Morino ibiki will shudder at my doings.
Oh excuse me, I thought I had come out same-sex couplings, but it seems that supposed fans, enjoy pairing me up with more males than females.
Now lets see the list for anything else horrid. Ah, here's one. It's titled "Lemon tree."
I have learned—the hard way—that any title with food, especially fruits and such, should be carefully avoided. Why? For reasons that cannot be said out loud in this discussion, and also, these stories tend to—listen carefully, for your life is depending on it—put me out of my behavior.
I am not a starry-eyed fool nor am I a misunderstood character that really is a big pile of mush inside. My interior is as cold as my exterior and you will probably not see any melting for a while. Ah, at last, it seems to have come to an end with the worst of them all.
Actually, these are the only pairings I have seen so far….
Imagine what else is out there. I shudder just thinking about it.
Any questions? I'm willing to answer calmly before bringing my sword out.
What do you mean I like doing that with Naruto? How would you know? Have you ever been me for one day? And for your information I have never assumed that position with Naruto, or with anyone else for that fact, and will most likely never do that. Naruto! Sakura! Please escort this young writer out before they find their selves headless.
Any more questions?
Oh there seems to be one.
Which one of them would I pick if I had to?
Well that is very simple, idiot.
Obviously it would be—
Kakashi appeared on the railing of the bridge that team seven had been waiting on for hours, but instead of the normal yelling of "your late" and "liar" Naruto and Sakura were bent over Sasuke's shoulder, seeming to be examining a screen of some sort.
"Um…Hello?" He crinkled his eyebrow in confusion. They turned to him and he calmly walked over to Sasuke, hoping to God that he wouldn't see a copy Icha Icha Paradise on the screen. For if he did, the Hokage would definitely murder him.
"What are you doing?"
"Writing a death notice to certain people on the 'net.'"
"Ah I see. That's nice. Ready for training?" Thank god, his prayers were answered.
Sasuke just nodded as he pressed send and shut the laptop, poofing it away to god knows where.
And they walked off to train like they did every morning.
Authors Note: Don't kill me. This was very random and done in a span on 20 minutes. I know that he says a lot of things bad to ahum, you…us…but I just thought it would be funny to do this one shot…if you guys really want, I could make it a two or three shot with other main pairings…
But you see, it was meant for those horribly lame stories out there. The first fic I read in Naruto, I thought it would be good because it had hundreds of reviews for low number of chapters, but the concept of how they dealt with the characters was horrible!
And in the reviews, it said "Great characterization. They are very in character."
I was like wtf…So I had to write this…I'm not expecting many reviews as this was a very not-really-well-thought-out one-shot, but hopefully, it will make some people smile.. and none mad..cuz that would suck.