Well, here we go again. Another most likely soon-to-be-forgotten-by-me fic by B. Murder. Well, this is my first Kingdom Hearts fic, but it's about one of my favorite Heartless, the Lance Soldier. What's not to like about a Soldier who doesn't get along with his weapon?
Anyway, this fic is about a Lance Soldier who somehow gets lost in the middle of a battle and winds up at the Gummi Ship. Sticking around it for too long, they end up warping to other worlds with Sora and co. while enduring the onslaught of the shooting mission. But first, let's meet the duo, shall we?
Before we begin, there are many questions that you'd ask yourself about Beast's Castle if given thought. This chapter will answer:
1) Why where there Shadows in the room with the Red Rose
2) Why were the torches in the dungeon lit black
3) Why were the statues guarding empty halls
4) Why was there a mess in the Beast's Room
5) Where did the Shadow Stalker come from
6) Where the possessor heartless for the Thresholder came from.
"Hey, wake up you moron!"
He fumbled around on the cold ground, rubbing his hollow yellow eyes with his gloved hand. After minutes of fumbling, and the annoying pouncing of a lumpy hilt, he stood up straightening his body, which was difficult since he was in a suit of armor that was definitely not made for sleeping. Cracking the pressure points in his bones, and possibly jolting a muscle cramp or two, he looked around to see that it wasn't morning at all; the sun hasn't risen and it's too warm for it to be morning. He rubbed his eyes of sleep, even though his eyes were already fixated to the darkness, and asked.
"Why did you wake me up?" he said, annoyed, "It's like…10 o' clock in the evening."
"First of all, it's 11:02. Second of all, I only bothered to wake you up because tonight is Party Night."
"Really?" he said as he withdrew a wallet, "good thing I have my wallet with me."
"You always have it with you, ever since that one time I held onto it," It said as it began bouncing in the direction the soldier was walking.
"I still won't forgive you for that toilet paper incident. But anyways, I thought Party Night was tomorrow."
"You were asleep for about 30 hours," the Lance said, looking at two Soldier Heartless engaging in a thumb war, cutting themselves in the process, "you know how painful one day without access to your wallet can be?"
"Try imagining a night with his friend gorging himself in a pile of burritos bought with hard earned munny that wasn't even his."
"Oh…sorry about that," it said, recurring the time he practically begged for the wallet and ended up owing him twice of what he borrowed, which he cringed at, "I tried waking you up yesterday, but it was Tom's birthday."
"Really?" he asked.
"Yeah, but Tom didn't want you awake."
"Oh," he said, understanding.
"Then he had me inject you with a serum that would keep you asleep longer. I didn't know which one since he gave me four, so I injected them all."
"Oh…" he said with a hint of arrogance.
They walked on to a poorly built stand with a Soldier Heartless miraculously leaning on the counter without the stand collapsing from the pressure on the cheap wood. He rested his head on his hand with the other tapping the board out of boredom when the Lance Soldier came. He lifted his head up, not out of surprise or in an attempt to fake enthusiasm but merely to greet the approaching customers, and began…talking.
"Hey there, I see you're excited for Fiesta Night, huh?" he….said.
"Uh, I guess so," the Lance Soldier said.
"What's with the stand?" the lance asked.
"Well, with Party Night upon us, I figured I should build my 'We-sell-just-about-anything' stand."
"We?" the lance and the Lance Soldier said.
"Yup, me and my imvisimary friend Stealth Sneak. He's a bit shy so he doesn't show himself to others."
After a moment of silence and eye-searching for this 'Stealth Sneak', the lance asked.
"Is he invisible or imaginary?"
"Both. I call it 'imvisimarision'. It's got five 'i's so it's gotta be a real word."
Staring at the Soldier with absurdity, the Lance Soldier decided to ask him something.
"So, if you sell anything, then can I buy a pizza bagel?"
"You got it," the Soldier said, reaching down under the half broken stand and bringing out said pizza bagel, baked and well-done. "Here ya go," he said, with a 'DING!' sound occurring as soon as he brought out the half-dinner half-breakfast condiment. Hearing the bell-like ding out of nowhere, the Soldier looked around, confused, but paid no attention to it as he gave the Lance soldier his pizza bagel.
"Well, I'll be," the Lance Soldier said, receiving his bagel and taking a bite out of it. The lance soon wondered where the Soldier got the food and how it was prepared so readily. It soon shrugged it off, now wanting an order too.
"Get me a grilled cheese sandwich," the lance said.
"You're the boss," the soldier said as he reached under the wood yet again and brought out a superbly cooked grilled cheese sandwich. Once again, an out-of-nowhere 'ding!' was heard. The soldier looked around for the source of the sound, now looking more agitated and annoyed rather than angered and something else that starts with 'a' as he handed the lance its sandwich, muttering "where does that keep coming from?"
"Well…" the Lance soldier said, unable to answer his question for him, "we'll be on our way."
"Thanks for the sandwich!" the lance said as it began bouncing away.
"Oh yeah, when you meet Tom, tell him this."
The Lance Soldier ushered the Soldier to come in closer to hear something he thought was secret. The Soldier opened his ears as he saw the Lance Soldier's hand rise up to his face, possibly to ensure that no one else hears of this. He saw the hand balled into a fist and then went backwards; the fist going forwards, gaining speed, coming closer, then stars. The sound of crashing and thumping on the floor followed by a painful lump on his face swept over in a wave of double-nausea.
It was a wonder how the Lance Soldier nailed him under the helmet.
"I'll be sure to give him your message," the Soldier said weakly as the Lance Soldier walked away.
"Geez, you just have to let it out on the nearest person, don't you?" the lance asked through the chewing of its sandwich.
"Hey, at least I told him who the message was to."
"If I didn't know any better, it'd scare me," it said, chunks of cheese flying out of its mouth.
"I have some self-restraint, y'know?" he said biting onto another piece of his bagel.
"Yeah, for a while, that is," it said, passing by some Shadows in a conversation.
"Did you see that shiny thing in the parlor?" one shadow said.
"I did. It looked so pretty…" another Shadow said.
"If it's so pretty, why don't you steal it?" the Lance Soldier said.
"Hey, that's not a bad idea. Okay, we'll need some friends to help us out. Squad Alphabits will sneak into the room from the back. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid 3 inches above the floor so we're gonna have to flatten ourselves to the size of ordinary house sponges and slide under like weird amphibious dolphins. Squad Benjamin will sneak in from the ceiling using an ultra powered laser and cut into the plaster in the shape of a small square to avoid setting off the alarms when the paperweight falls. Now, Squad Cheerios will-"
"Hey shut up for a minute. I mean, why bother? It's just a shiny flower, who cares if we take it? More importantly, who's gonna stop us? Let's go steal it right now!" one Shadow thought aloud as others agreed with him. They walked off into the obnoxiously tall castle that seemed empty with the exception of some moving kitchenware.
"Have you heard about the mysterious man in black wandering around the castle?" a Soldier who approached them asked.
"No, not really," the Lance Soldier said uncaringly, continuing his walk to the party.
"Well, some say that he's after that shiny flower in the room."
"Well, he's gonna have a tough time dealing with those Shadows then," the lance said as it hopped onwards with its bearer.
"No, seriously, this castle is deserted save for the magical kitchenware people of Kitchenia. A sighting like this is a big- ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!" it yelled, looking at the two who were now playing with a paddle ball.
"Not really," the lance said, striking each paddle accurately with perception.
"We stopped listening as soon as you started talking," the Lance Soldier said, missing every paddle pathetically.
"AAAAHHHHHH!!!" came a screeching yell from the castle gate. Everyone turned their attention to the frantic Shadow running from the castle. The Lance Soldier, seeing the Heartless coming his way, dropped the paddle, grabbed its antennae and began slapping it.
"Snap out of it man!" he yelled, whacking the Heartless upside the head with his gloved hand, which really hurts.
"Thanks, I needed that."
Then another slap came from the bronze soldier, now seeming to enjoy the physical therapy.
"I needed that too," the Shadow merely said.
And finally, another whack upside the head drove the Shadow to anger and half-unconsciousness.
"I'll tell you when you're okay," the Lance Soldier said before deliberately punching him hard with his other hand that sent the Shadow flying to the other side of the courtyard.
"Still angry?" the lance asked.
"Just a little bit," the Lance Soldier replied.
"Hey dude, what happened?" a Soldier, paying no attention to the anger marks on the poor Shadow, asked as he lifted him up.
"……remember that one guy who managed not to kill us?"
"Oh yeah. That was cool how we lived."
"Well, HE'S BACK!"
At this everyone gave off a frightened scream.
"And he's hot!"
Everyone screamed even more.
"What're we gonna do?!" a Soldier yelled.
"It's worse than that. We managed to outnumber him and before we finished him off, this beast came out of nowhere and scared the crap out of us!"
"Was he that ugly?" the lance asked.
"No. He just howled real loud. In fact, he's the same guy who brutally maimed Fred."
"You mean the Shadow who was pretending to be a woman back at that castle?" said a Shadow.
"Yeah, that's him. He lives here!"
"OH NOES!!" everyone yelled.
"Yes noes! We have no choice of survival if both of them are here!"
"Who was Fred?" the Lance Soldier asked a Shadow, assuming it might've known.
"In a giant castle, bigger than this one, about a year ago, Fred was chosen to pretend to be a woman to lure the beast away from the keyblade wielder. It worked, curiously, but Fred was torn to pieces," it said.
"Ouch," the lance responded.
"Here's a photo taken by some unnamed Shadows before they were obliterated in a beam of light," it said as it handed the Lance Soldier the photo.
"Double ouch," he said as he examined the photo, bits of dark flesh and a white outline of what supposedly remained of Fred in the photo.
"I don't know about you guys, but I'm outta here! Anyone who wants to try and attack the keyblade wielder, be my guest," said the psyched Shadow.
At this, everyone merely stared at the psychotic Shadow. The silence was broken by a witless Large Body that said the most random thing ever.
"All right! We get to kill someone! Me first!" he yelled as the Large Body dashed fat first towards the castle.
"Hey! Wait for me!" the Soldier that was helping the Shadow said as he ran after the Large Body, followed by the rest of the Heartless armada save for the Shadow, the lance and the Lance Soldier, who were walking up to the Shadow as he watched the entire army of Heartless running to their doom.
"Hey man, don't fret. It's a thousand of us versus them. You shouldn't be worried," the Lance Soldier said.
"How many do you think will be slain?" the lance asked.
"Like about 75 or more," this caused the Shadow to feel uneasy.
"Well, it's not like he can take on a thousand at once, can he?" the Shadow asked, seemingly trying to cheer himself up.
"Now you're getting it."
Man, are they SO wrong.
Sometime in the castle later, the Heartless were taking a short cut through the large one-way dungeon since they knew that Sora would obviously take the front entrance. A certain Heartless, however, was falling behind inspecting a torch that was hanging from the ceiling when, honestly, it could be on a pot holder cemented to the floor.
"Honestly, it should be on the floor instead of hanging from the ceiling on a very long chain," the lance said.
"Quite ridiculous," the Lance Soldier said, "I mean, this dungeon is bright enough without these torches lit," he said, staring at the flame burning brightly.
"Hey, look at what I stole from a random Shadow!" the lance said, holding, though without hands, a bright black stone.
"What is it?"
"Well, I was hoping you'd know. But to me, it looks like one of those flammable stones that make really huge fires when thrown into fire."
"Don't they usually smell musty?" the Lance Soldier asked.
"I don't know. This one smells like syrup and the inside of a new video game cover for some reason."
"Let's throw it in the fire and see what happens!" the Lance Soldier said excitedly.
Tossing the stone into the fire, the fire slowly turned black in the most boring way possible. It was really boring. Really.
Then, out of nowhere, 2 dragons of fire emerged from the torch and began swirling around the halls. They danced, twirled, fandango-'d and maraca-d in seconds flat, all the while burning parts of the stone walls and missing/burning/attacking/bumping/any-type-of-physical-contact-that-would-set-anything-that-touched-fire-on-fire-to a few Heartless; that Shadow will be missed though. After some more super-cool swirling, the dragons returned to the torches planting a bow before disappearing, setting a portion of the carpet on fire.
"Well, that was fun," the lance said half-sarcastically.
"You got more of those stones?" the Lance Soldier asked.
"Now you know that if I were going to steal something, I'd steal three of the same thing," it said pulling out two more stones.
Some time (and the boring then cool replay of fire turning inextinguishablely black followed by burn scars and lawsuit issues) later…
The Heartless were preparing for their ambush in the middle of a giant hall. The Lance Soldier, on the other hand, had seen the empty statues standing by the wall and somehow found himself interested in it. The lance noticed his awe gazing and decided to know what was so interesting about lifeless statues.
"So, are these statues really that awesome or are you plotting to kill yourself in secret?" the lance asked.
"No, I'm actually plotting to wear one of these suits," the Lance Soldier said.
"'And then the weird lance asked,' why?"
"I'm tired of wearing this suit of armor 24-7."
"Dingwad, you were born with it," the lance stated.
"That's worse than being born with a silver spoon in my mouth."
"You have no idea what that means, do you?"
"And neither do I. But it's not like I can't wear other suits, now can I?" the Lance Soldier asked.
"No one said you needed to wear that suit all the time," the lance said.
"Really? 'Cause it's really stuffy in here," he said as he began taking off his…O.o
"Uh, on second thought, maybe you oughtta wear that thing for a little longer," the lance persuaded, "and for god's sake, if you are gonna change suits then do it when no one's around."
"So you think it'll look good on me?" the Lance Soldier asked no one in question.
"Says the guy with eyebrows on his helmet," said the……armor?
"OH SH1T!" the Lance Soldier swore, causing thousands of Angel Star Heartless to implode.
"Yeah, I can talk, wanna fight about it?" the armor provoked.
"Please, I'd rather get mouth from my own weapon than a suit of armor," the Lance Soldier sassed.
"Hey, don't mess with my brother like that," a secondary armor rose and said, "he's gonna mess you up."
"Aw great, now both of you are animated?" the lance asked in frustration.
"Maybe you two oughtta be canceled," the Lance Soldier said, cracking his knuckles.
"We- what?" the armors said.
"What?" the lance asked.
"…" the bronze soldier just realized he may have killed more Angel Stars by saying that, "sorry, it just came from the top of my head."
"Oh yeah? Well what's in your head?" armor suit #1 said.
"Wow, quick talk for someone who's completely hollow."
"Your head's hollow."
"Bernd," the lance said.
"At least I have a heart."
"Well, at least I didn't take one."
"Dubble bernd," the lance said.
"At least I got one."
"At least I have intellect for a hollow suit of armor."
"My friend, you just got owned," the lance said, "I don't know you anymore."
"Hah! You just got served!"
"Well, I know for a fact that I don't stand around in an empty hall with a bunch of other statues that do God knows what."
"Who told you!" if the statue had eyes, they'd be shifting.
"So I was right, maybe we should call the authorities."
"No! Our party will be ruined!"
"My friend," the Lance Soldier said as he placed a hand on the armors shoulder, "You were born ruined."
"My man! You are my savior!" the lance said in victory as it hopped around with glee.
While the Heartless and the lance were dancing, the armor spoke something into the other armor's supposed ear. After receiving a nod from each other, the two put up their shields and rammed into the Heartless and the pokey thing down the stairs. Tumbling downwards in a very painful manner, credit goes to the design supervisor of the Lance Soldier's armor, the two landed at the bottom of the stairs. They got up, muttering that someone would be taken apart in an "accident", whatever they meant, and glared coldly at the suits of armor at the top of the stairs.
"Sorry, my, uh, elbow slipped. Ha ha ha!" armor #2 laughed.
"Looks like we won't be getting past those guys anytime soon," the lance muttered.
Pretty soon, after everything was confirmed, the heartless were getting ready for their ambush. The Large Bodies were doing warm-ups with miraculous succession, the Shadows were writing their will, the Soldiers were tying their shoelace-less shoes, and the sole Lance Soldier, the one we were discreetly spying on before, was eating an apple.
"Aren't you worried in the least bit?" the lance asked, "I heard that this kid was able to hold his own against a Darkside three times. He's pretty powerful too."
"I ain'ts got nothings to worry bout," he, uh, said.
"Why are you talking like that?"
"It's a bad 'abit of mine. Whene'er I feel like I'm 'unna finish somethin' wit' superb excellences, I tends to speak in a trashed suddern accent. Happens all de time."
"Then you must have a high ego."
"Well, yous are gonna fight by me, I ain'ts got nothin to worry bout."
"Uhhhhhh, yeah, sorry, I'm having trouble seeing me fighting with you in the future," it said as it began bouncing away.
"Say that again?"
"I said, I don't feel like fighting with you," it said as it turned around.
"Well, it's not like you have a choice…" the Lance soldier said launching a glare to the lance with the lance glaring back. Then, out of nowhere, a statue came to life and walked up to them.
"Hi there," said a statue.
"Holy hell! Where the crap did you come from?" the lance swore, adding another thousand to the number of Angel Stars killed today.
"Oh, I'm just a statue possessed by a purebred Possessor Heartless."
"Wow. I didn't know there were those kinds of Heartless," the Lance Soldier said, finishing his apple and tossing the leftovers that "accidentally" struck a certain figure of metal that could talk back.
"Anyway, I heard you arguing with your…weapon," the statue asked.
"We're having a fight about our reliability in combat," the Lance Soldier said.
"And how is your reliability?"
"Crappy," the two said.
"You need to cooperate with each other. Me and my sword don't fight, with each other mind you, and we're doing just fine."
"That's because your sword is cemented to your hand," the Lance Soldier pointed out.
"And it has no thought," the lance exclaimed.
"That's what you think," said the statue's sword.
While this was going on, Sora and the gang caught up to the Heartless who still weren't ready for the ambush, but they were there anyway. One Large Body pointed at him half afraid and half stupid as the rest of the heartless noticed and yelled to attack. Soldier Heartless, who had climbed to the ceiling beforehand, dropped towards their target, lolling their tongues in an Indian fashion.
"LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!" they yelled as they predictably missed and hit the floor while the Heartless ran towards Sora in attack.
Only (insert name of author) knows how they got up there, and he doesn't feel like telling anyone.
"These guys are everywhere," Sora muttered as he sent a Soldier flying into a random Shadow.
"Okay pokey weapon, time for us to fight!" the Lance Soldier said as he grabbed the Lance by the hilt.
"Momma! He's violating me!" the lance yelled out loud, "he touched me in a place and now I feel dir-mph mpphhh!"
"Shut up! What the hell do you think you're talking about?"
"No means no Mr. Finger!" the lance yelled as he tried to "run" towards the left but the Lance Soldier had a "good grip" on him (A/N: snickers) and didn't "let go". (A/N: Now I'm being sick XP) this resulted in the Lance Soldier spinning out of control in a top like fashion, whacking various Heartless and Sora's gang in the process.
"Ugh," the Lance soldier grunted, with the lance in the same response. "Just what the hell was that about?" the bronze knight said as he threw the lance onto the floor.
"Hey!" the lance yelled, "oh, so you like hurtin' stuff, do ya?" the lance said as glint in its eye appeared.
"Uh oh," the Lance Soldier said as he began running from the maniacal weapon bouncing, well, more like flying, towards him in an attempt to jab the living hell out of the bronze soldier. He was running into the direction of Sora, who had already killed off most of the Heartless, and caught Sora's eye. Sora thought that this was some sort of tackle from the weird looking soldier and guarded himself from the oncoming attack. What he didn't expect was for the soldier to duck from a stabbing poke from the rampaging lance that was chasing the soldier in a frantic manner.
If it weren't for the laws of video game physical immunity, Sora would've had a really big hole in him.
"Oh, sorry weird guy," the lance apologized as the Lance Soldier grabbed the hilt from behind, freaking the lance out.
"AH! He's touching me! Someone help!"
"Will you just shut up and figh-AAAHHHHH!!" the Lance soldier yelled as he was lifted off the ground and darted around the air thanks to the Lance's ability to defy gravity.
Seeing the two buzzing around in the air, Sora pressed the triangle button and grabbed the lance's hilt. The lance was surprised even further and began to dart around aimlessly. Finally, it struck a solid object, specifically a Large Body who suffered no mortal wounds whatsoever, and felt relieved of the extra weight dispatched. When it looked back (despite having no neck) still zooming about, it only saw that the Lance Soldier managed to hold on.
"You're still here?" it asked.
An anger mark appeared on the Lance Soldier, as well as a mild twitching in the eye, as he spoke forcefully.
"Whose side are you on?!"
Finally, the two crashed into a solid pavement made for foot support in tall castles, better known as the floor, as the Lance soldier felt his body in tremendous pain while the lance was totally fine. The lance took this opportunity to run away from the now pissed soldier as it got up and glared at the runaway pokey thingy.
"One of them is getting away!" Sora said as he spotted the Lance Soldier running away from them.
They followed the Lance Soldier through a path of armory in a giant hall as a stone statue came to life before them. It lifted its sword in a triumphant manner, seemingly wanting to fight, and raised it towards them when it was picked up by the Lance Soldier with super human…super…heartless strength and began swinging the statue about, breaking apart various armor that were neatly placed row by row. Sora, Donald and Goofy had never seen anything like this in their previous experience fighting heartless, but they had no time to ponder on the thought as more heartless came out of nowhere while the Lance continued to run from the statue swinging madman.
"Get the hell back here!" the Lance Soldier yelled as the lance hopped upwards towards the stairs. The statue, fearing that the maniacal soldier would try to use his cheap concrete frame to bust open a way up the stairs that were guarded by impassable statues, thanks to a healthy serving by yours truly, flew up towards the stairs and continued to follow the lance onwards in the hall. It was useless, though, as the Lance Soldier threw the statue full force at the evasive lance, missing and busting open a door though not permanently destroying it.
He wasn't even aiming in the right direction, honestly.
The lance took his chance and bolted into the door. Pissed, the Lance Soldier followed him and soon found himself in a room with a hefty beast wearing a purple cape, a guy in a black coat and a shiny flower across the room. The Lance Soldier felt he entered at a bad time, as the two were looking at him oddly, but that damn pokey thingy had to be around here somewhere…
"Uh, hi guys. Don't mind me, I'm just looking for a traitor of mine," he said as a muffle came from somewhere in the room that sounded like, "screw you!" He knew he was somewhere in the room.
The guy in the black suit, however, didn't seem too comfortable with the Lance Soldier in range with him. He knew what the Lance Soldier was, he just didn't expect that the incompatibility of the Lance and the Soldier would lead them here; he didn't even see the lance come into the room. He watched as the Lance Soldier searched the room for his lance and doubted that their alliance would get any friendlier once he found it.
The Lance Soldier was more focused on finding that stupid pokey thing of his rather than the dexterous stare of the man in black. Pretty soon, he found a big, yet well hidden, chest that moved on occasion, releasing a muffle of insanity that told the Lance Soldier he's gotta be in there.
'How the hell did he get in there?' he thought, but wasted no time in opening the chest.
Then, out of the chest came a dark shadow and a Darkball thingy with red at the tips of its body and chains surrounding it. It let off a crazy yell that caught the attention of the beast and the guy in black. The Possessor heartless immediately began Possessing random stuff as the Shadow Stalker began………talking.
"BLAGH BLERBLIBLA!" it said.
"Hey shut up!" the Lance Soldier replied.
"BLERGGH IBLARGH IBLARR!" it said again.
"I don't want to hear it!"
"Yeah, I know, now stop talking already!"
"BLORGGHI BLUGBLARR! BLERRERRERRAWRR! MY MOUTH HURTS!"
"I can see that," the Lance soldier said as the Possessor possessed the bed.
"And you, stop possessing things. That bed doesn't even look good on you anyways."
The possessor then went to possess a lamp, hopping on one foot towards the Lance Soldier but tripped and broke, releasing the Possessor and leaving the broken lamp on the floor. Then, it went on to possess a drawer, but ended up crashing onto the floor in a poor attempt at locomotion, possessed the ceiling light but ended up blinding himself, and possessed various things that would only end up in backfire-ation. The last thing it possessed was a miniature statue and began dancing on the statue pedestal before the Lance Soldier picked it up, opened the door and threw the damn thing across the hall, closing the door before you could even see it collide with a statue and hopefully break apart. The Lance soldier then turned his attention to the Shadow Stalker, not noticing that the beast and the man in black were staring at him with abundant awkwardness.
"Now that we've taken care of that, can you stop existing in front of me?" the Lance Soldier, uh, asked.
"You just threw my vulnerable friend out the door. Do you think I'll cooperate?"
"I've had experience dealing with mis-cooperation. But I am curious, though, as to who locked you in that chest," the Lance Soldier asked.
"I did," the Shadow Stalker said with, uh, pride.
"I should've known." The Lance soldier muttered, "Okay, so, can you leave know?"
"You got it. Oh, and your little pokey thing is under the ceiling," it said as it teleported somewhere.
"Under the ceiling?" the Lance Soldier said as he looked up, seeing an incoming lance fall from the ceiling. The Lance soldier had little to no reflexes and the distance between his face and the ceiling was only by a few feet times the weight of the lance and the length of the weapon was falling poke first, so, according to my calculations, the Lance soldier got hit in the face by the Lance's hilt. Ow.
"Damn Shadow Stalker, I didn't even tell him where I was," it said as the Lance Soldier got up slowly, and grabbed the hilt, once more, as the lance hit a reflex.
"MOMMA!" it yelled as it began zooming about the room with the Lance soldier not far behind. The Lance Soldier was determined not to let go. Although his arrogance was somewhat admirable, it did not do well for the condition of the room. Stuff was knocked down, glass broke, furry things died; overall, it was not pretty. Nor would you want to be at the other end of the Lance Soldier, as the black coated guy learned quickly. By now, the entire room was a mess, they almost knocked down the shiny flower (big mistake) and the bed was smashed (don't ask about the bed). It would've kept going on longer had the man in black not grabbed them and proceeded towards the window.
"You two are quite ignorant," the man said as he stood on the balcony holding the lance by its antennae and the Lance Soldier by his neck cloth.
"Ignorance is bliss," the Lance soldier stated.
"Did that come from the top of your head?" the lance asked.
"Will you two just shut up?" the man said, "If I weren't busy right now I'd obliterate you two. But I'm still in the middle of something and we don't need your company."
"What are you gonna do?" the Lance Soldier asked as the man held them above the balcony 80 feet in the air, and the Lance Soldier looked down.
"That's a long way down," the lance said.
"So, guess where you're going?" the man asked.
"W-Wait! We can work this out, right? I mean, what would you gain out of homicidally dropping me to my doom?" the Lance Soldier said.
"A lot more than you can imagine."
"Gah…" the Lance Soldier whimpered as he looked down.
"Go ahead, drop us," the lance asked, snapping the Lance soldier back into his normal mental frequency that he gets when he's talking with his lance.
"Say WHAT?! If he drops me, I'm likely to perish. Just because you can fly doesn't mean you have to stab me in the back at a time like this!"
"Don't worry. Maybe I'll catch you, maybe…" it said as it smirked devilishly.
"You do know that if I die, you'll cease to exist, right?"
The lance looked like realization just slapped his face, hard.
"Oh right, the ceasing to exist. I keep forgetting about that."
"How can you forget? I tell you that like a million times."
"I have short term memory, you know."
"That'd be, little to no memory."
"Common sense is one thing I exceed at."
"If you exceed so well, then why did you want him to drop us?"
"Listen, I have-"
"No, I'm not done yet-"
Pretty soon, the two started talking over each other, completely forgetting about the man who was holding them 80 feet in the air. The man caught little to nothing of what the rambling was about.
"…to see the…and I might…no idea…the last chicken leg…losing my identity to…seven cups being stacked…painting the ocean…bowling…like a lion mane…and not graduating…five candlesticks…assassinate the chandelier…dream about going…playing Mario Party 17…always buying the left shoe…painting a city blue…a book that doesn't exist…and finally…to get the last…panty-raiding the Fortuneteller."
"We're done," the two told the man in black.
"You know, you two are quite entertaining," the man said, "Maybe I'll have mercy and spare you two."
The pair only stared at the man as silence filled the air. All was quite until the Lance Soldier spoke.
"You know, from this angle, you sorta look like Abraham Lincoln."
"You just had to call him Lincoln, didn't you?!" the lance wailed as the duo sailed through the air.
"Well, I didn't think it'd offend him that much!" the Lance Soldier yelled through the howling of rushing wind.
"Maybe you should've given it more thought! Now look where we are!" the lance yelled as their aerial trajectory began to descend.
"Maybe we should look at where we're landing!" he yelled as the outskirt forest was closing in on them.
"AAAAHHHH-" they yelled as they soon collided with the hard forest floor.
The Lance Soldier woke up in the middle of the forest. He lifted his head up and found himself in a small crater that made him wonder how he survived the free fall. He lifted himself off the ground and thought that his suit of armor might not be that bad, seeing how he was able to live through the impact. He then began looking around for his lance and found it in a crater bigger than his. Just how the hell can he make a bigger crater than me, thought the Lance soldier as he pulled the unconscious weapon out of the ground.
"Momma said I'm pretty," mumbled the lance, suggesting that the lance had been knocked out but somewhat conscious.
The bronze knight carried his lunatic weapon as he strolled through the forest, since without the lance he'd be just a Soldier and he didn't want to be confused with a witless excuse for a heartless, ever. Pretty soon, the Lance Soldier encountered a large red ship that stood in front of the gate to the castle bridge. The Lance Soldier walked closer to the red ship and touched the surface, feeling that it was soft and rubbery, like gum. (A/N: I always thought that Gummi ships would feel like rubber, as their name implies, so they do in this fic.)
'This would make an excellent bed,' thought the Lance Soldier.
Climbing the rubber-like ship, he planted himself on a cylinder part of the vessel and deemed it good enough to sleep on, since he was tired and didn't feel like climbing anymore. He placed the still-unconscious lance beside him, stretched, and plopped on his back, ready for a goodnight's sleep, placing his hands together and resting them on his chest. He felt his eyes getting weary as he fell into a deep sleep.
"Hiya everybody!" yelled the Lance Soldier.
"Hiya Doctor Phil!" yelled back a whole crowd of Shadows.
"…no, for the last time, it's not Doctor Phil!"
"Just leave 'em be Doctor whats-his-face," said the lance as he wore a chef's top hat in front of a stove with some food preparations all over it.
"Ah, I see you've already started the cooking bit. What do you have for us today pokey thingy?"
"Today, I'm making a rare delicacy that you don't see everyday. It is so rare because the ingredients are hard to find. Should you ever find these ingredients, waste no time and get the ingredients and prepare this delicious meal."
"Will this recipe include unwanted body parts like your other recipes?" he said enthusiastically as he faced the audience.
"Excellent!" he said, giving a thumbs up and a flash of his pearly whites, "So, how far have you gotten into the recipe Lance?"
"The cutting of the carrots," it said as it whipped out some fresh, I mean really fresh, carrots, "these carrots must be cut thick to ensure that the flavor of the stew and the carrot itself stays intact," it said, chopping the carrots into thick wedges with the Lance Soldier watching with wonder, "the dirt will provide fresh minerals as the boiling water will dissolve the unwanted part of the dirt."
"When do we add the carrots, Lance?" he said all enthusiastically.
"Now would be a good time, if any, to add the carrots into the pot," it said as it grabbed the plate of diced carrots and lifted the pot cap, "because by this time, the baby elephant would try to escape. Pray to god that he is allergic to carrots," it said as a trunk rose from the pot while he dumped the carrots in. As a reflex, the Lance Soldier grabbed an iron pan and began whacking the hostile trunk as the lance joined him with ladle in mouth.
"Down Simba, down!" he yelled as the elephant let out a trumpet roar. The trunk grabbed the tip of the lance as the Lance Soldier grabbed the pot cap and began slamming the pot opened and closed with the Lance pulling to ensure that the trunk would not retreat.
"We'll be back after these commercial breaks," the Lance soldier said, momentarily stopping and then resuming the elephant beat down.
Just then, the earth began shaking.
He woke up to an earthly rumbling. Opening his eyes, he felt his body going back and forth as the stars blitz across the sky. He lifted himself up and looked around, noticing the ship shaking as if it were preparing for lift off.
"Hey, are we on some kind of ship?" the lance, who woke up earlier, asked.
"Yeah, it looks like we are."
"And is the ship moving like it's about to take off?"
"Yeah, it appears to be so."
"And are we about to take off with it?"
"Is the diameter of a circle equal 2 times the radius?"
"Are we about to suffer indescribable torture and possibly death in the next chapter?"
"Are you the one who got us on this ship in the first place?"
"Completely responsible for it."
"I hate you."
"I hate you too," he said as the ship then blasted outwards into the sky at light speed, carrying the two along with the ship.
Will the Lance and Lance Soldier survive the indescribable torture that will occur to them in the next chapter? Will they only cause Sora and the gang more trouble? Will the two continue to rebel against each other as the story progresses? Will I probably stop talking like this at the end of each chapter? The answers will be revealed…now.
Yes, yes, of course yes, and no.
….what? That's what this story was made for! Otherwise, this'd be a big waste of time! Why am I still talking to you? Get away from me and R & R!