A/N: This story was inspired by a controversial blog of a 16 year old I'm sure some of you heard about, and the documentary "Jesus Camp." BUT just FYI—I'm bending a lot of the rules of the "boot camp" just because there are so many different types of these camps with different rules and regulations, so I will be pulling from a few of them as well as creating some rules and activities myself.
Please keep in mind that I'm not trying to offend anyone or their religious beliefs. I have nothing against Christians/Christianity/all religions and religion in general and highly respect the individuals that make any sort of religious practice part of their daily life. I realize not all Christians are like how I may portray them, nor do I believe that they're all like that. Remember that everything is being told from the perspective of someone going through a potentially damaging experience and it is natural to react and think negatively towards people you feel to be attacking you. I apologize if I do offend, it's not my intention, and everything is purely for the purpose of plot and character growth. Thank you.
Warnings: Language, smoking (and maybe mentions of drug and/or alcohol abuse), potentially disturbing religious practices and other related touchy subjects, minors in sexual situations (the youngest being 16). If there are any NC-17 sex scenes, they will be put under links in order to save my ass.
Disclaimer (for all chapters): Kishimoto owns it allll, baby.
"Everyone has his or her path in life.
If a toe wanted to be an eye,
then all he would see is the inside of a sock.
Thus you must follow your own path."
Naruto Uzumaki watched in horror as his parents loaded his florescent orange suitcase into the back of the dirty Lexus. He attempted to swallow the lump that was forming in his throat, the reality of what was happening finally hitting him like a punch to the stomach. Why was it so hard to breathe all of a sudden?
All of it had happened so fast, barely giving him any time to digest the entire situation. It was just yesterday that he had sat both of his parents down and announced to them that he was gay.
Needless to say, with his father an old fashioned set-in-his-ways pastor and his mother an equally conservative avid churchgoer, they didn't take the news very well.
His mother had broken out into uncontrollable sobs as his father had leapt to his feet, yelling himself hoarse. Spit had flown onto his chin and the living room coffee table as he settled into an unconcealed fit of rage, his face turning red as he forgot to breathe in between sentences.
Naruto hadn't known what he had done wrong, but he was prepared for this kind of reaction. So he had just stood where he was and counted the cracks in the wall over his father's shoulder.
After about an hour, the vein popping out of dad's neck from the force of his yells had shrunk and the shouting had ceased. Naruto had wondered whether he had stopped because he was done or because he had lost his voice. His mother's sobs had died down as well, as if she had been given a secret signal to be silent too.
Now, being someone that blurted out a lot of stupid things on a regular basis, Naruto was used to awkward silences. Never before had he experienced an awkward silence quite like that. It had been so thick that it was almost tangible; he could almost feel it wrapping around him and smothering him. For a moment, Naruto wondered if he had gone deaf.
Just as he had begun to feel like he would choke on the suffocating silence that surrounded him, his mother had stood, leaving a small indention on the couch cushion she had been sitting on. She had told Naruto to go to his room while she straightened out the nonexistent wrinkles on her yellow spring dress, lowering her eyes to the floor to avoid all eye contact.
The blond had laughed to himself, making silent jokes about how they were giving him a timeout for what he did in bed with other guys as he stretched out on his bed. After listening to the quiet mummers outside his bedroom door for a few moments, it had opened, revealing his parents' serious faces.
They had all huddled together on Naruto's bed, embracing the blond and crying while they told him there was something psychologically wrong with him. Naruto had remained silent, confused, and oddly numb throughout his mother's sorrowful apologizes and his father's heart-filled sermons about getting 'back on God's path.'
All their blubbering came back to one subject though: he was screwed up, and it was all their fault.
Two hours and a very soggy Naruto later, they had both stopped crying and each began to slowly release him. He hadn't been sure whether to be relieved or worried, but he had quickly gotten his answer when he noticed the look on his parents' faces.
It was like they had looked through him rather than looked at him; both of them wore the same pitying expression that someone would give to a man that was about to be lead to execution. He still remembered the way his heart had sped up, feeling as if it was made of lead, as his chest tightened. His body had felt cold even though he was sweating profusely.
That's when they had informed him that he was to apply to a Fundamentalist Christian program for homosexuals, or as Naruto mind interpreted it, 'gay boot camp.' Now that definitely wasn't the reaction he was expecting. At first he had thought it was a joke, even as they had stressed the seriousness of the situation to him.
The way they had described it made it sound like he was a criminal, making his smile rapidly fade until it fell from his face completely. That's when he had snapped. He had yelled, screamed, begged; telling them that he refused to go, but the decision was final.
He was going. End of story.
He had to repack his suitcase three times, the first two times filling it to the brim with nothing but escape gear and half the contents of the pantry. He had fought in every way he could, trying to run away, call someone for help or do something, anything. Nothing worked, they had him cornered and they knew it. His fate was sealed.
Now, as he watched his mother climb into the passenger seat, his fists clenched at his sides as he stared at pavement. An overwhelming sense of betrayal welled up in his chest as waves of diluted anger and resentment rolled over him.
He watched as his father's impossibly large shadow stretched out across the driveway in front of his own, swallowing it completely. Well, at least he was finally where his father had always wanted him. When a large hand fell on his shoulder and gave it a light squeeze, he refused to look up. Not just because he was angry with the man, but also because he didn't want him to see the pain and betrayal that reflected in his glossy, bloodshot eyes.
"Get in," came a strong, gruff voice beside him. It wasn't a request, it was an order. Naruto shrugged the hand off his shoulder and reluctantly yanked open the door, sliding into the backseat slowly before slamming the door shut behind him.
His father entered the driver's seat and locked the doors behind him, starting the car. Naruto rolled his eyes. What did they think he was going to do, jump out of a moving car onto a crowded freeway? He was gay, not mentally retarded. Although the window did look pretty promising…
He sighed and rested his head on the side window, abandoning all plans of jumping out of it. Strands of blond hair shifted uncomfortably on his forehead as he pressed it against the cool glass, watching as the passing scenery blurred together into a mess of colors.
"Well, that could've gone better…" he mumbled to himself as his mother chattered on about how it this was going to be a life-changing experience for him. He sighed again, slightly fogging up the glass with breath.
Something in his heart nagged him that she was right. That he wouldn't make it out the same; that he would become a different person. That thought killed him. It had taken him ages to become comfortable with himself and his sexuality, especially after being bullied and hated for it for so long.
Now that he was content, that he was finally genuinely happy, it was all going to be ripped away from him.
He had a sinking feeling that if he did get 'transformed' and became straight, he would be so depressed and mentally unstable that it wouldn't matter. He closed his eyes, his head bouncing lightly against the window in sync with the bumps in the road, and allowed himself to drift off into a restless sleep.
Anything was better than thinking about what was to come.
Naruto's eyes flew open as his head slammed against the window, the car screeching to a halt.
"OW!" He cried, nursing his new injury. That better not leave a bruise! He pouted, glaring at his father before quickly looking out the window.
His eyes widened as he realized they were no longer moving. They were there. Shit, he was going to throw up. He felt slightly better as he imagined the look on his father's face if he were to really up-chuck in his beloved car. Heh, that would show the bastard.
That relief was short lived though when his mother's form appeared in front of the window and flung the door open.
"We're here!" She announced happily, grabbing his hand and practically throwing him out of the car before he even had time to yell out a protest or a string of profanities. Nervousness began to wash over him again.
He swallowed the lump in his throat and struggled as his parents shoved him to the front of the camp where a mob of counselors was waiting to greet him and others. Looking around him, he felt his stomach tighten more. The place was completely secluded and surrounded by nothing but woods, their facilities, and staff, making it impossible for an escape.
Or for anyone to hear our screams! What if they were secretly going to murder him? He paled, every bad camp horror movie flashing before his eyes. Naruto had never been more thankful for his virginity. The virgins were always the ones to live in those things.
His parents came to a sudden stop, surprising the struggling blond and causing him to fall face first into the gravel. He groaned in pain and sat up, rubbing his stinging cheek and loudly griping about how things were already off to a wonderful start.
"Are you alright?" A counselor asked him while helping him to his feet. Well let's see, I finally decide to come out of the closet to my parents after years of denying it from them and myself and instead of accepting me anyway, they treat me like I have some sort of mental illness and send me to a fucking boot camp to get 'fixed,' he thought bitterly, but instead murmured, "Peachy."
"You mean 'preachy!'" she said, chuckling at her own pun while his mother and father laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. Naruto just stared at her dumbly and cocked an eyebrow, "Huh?" Something about this lady just seemed completely… off to him.
"Oh, never mind," she said, waving it off. "We're not here for fun and games, after all! This is about you and your relationship with Jesus Christ! Here we'll be sure to assess all of your recovery needs and help develop positive recovering skills over the next few months. Now, are you here for homosexual and promiscuous behavior, or just one of them?"
Naruto nearly choked on his own spit. Homosexual and promiscuous behavior? Great, he told his parents he was gay and they somehow had translated it as 'man-whore.' Fan-bloody-tastic.
"E-excuse me?" He squeaked, blushing bright red.
"It's alright," she continued, clapping a hand on his shoulder and looking deep into his eyes. "I know you're ashamed and maybe even a little disgusted with yourself, but we'll cleanse this sin of yours together. Now, your bags are being brought to your cabin and there's still about five minutes before the first assembly begins."
Naruto's chest felt hollow. Cleanse him, like he was dirty. That's how they saw him. But that is what he was, wasn't he? Just a filthy little sinner in need of a good moral scrubbing.
She turned towards his parents, smiling so wide it looked painful. "On the grounds we have four intimate prayer gardens, hundreds of beautiful trees, two peaceful reflective chapels and a baseball field. We also offer a home-school curriculum and on-site tutor to help ensure that your child maintains his studies while he pursues his healing."
His parents smiled at each other, relief and hope washing over their faces while their eyes glittered with grateful tears. Naruto felt like crawling into a hole somewhere and dying. Maybe one of their 'hundreds of beautiful trees' had a hole big enough for him.
As the counselor steered him around by the shoulder, still chatting to his parents about something or other, Naruto could help thinking that he would have preferred it if his parents had just kicked him out of the house like he had been expecting. Hell, his fear of getting kicked out was beginning to look like an all-expenses-paid trip compared to the foreboding vibes he was getting from this place.
The hand on his shoulder shifted and dropped, bringing his eyes back up to meet the counselor's again. He shivered under her gaze, feeling like she was mentally condemning him.
"Why don't you say good-bye to your parents and then go and look around for a bit, hmm?" She said with another sugary-sweet smile—Naruto swore he felt a toothache coming on—before turning to leave. His mother and father hugged him and said a quick prayer over him before scurrying away quickly.
Naruto felt lost as he looked through the sea of nervous teens and smiling staff members. He suddenly felt very small, like he was six again and lost his mother in the middle of the super market.
Blue eyes darted around wildly, taking in all of the looks he was getting. Everyone seemed to be staring at him with the same look in their eyes. He could practically hear them mentally chanting 'Sinner! Sinner! Sinner!' as they eyed him. But no matter how belittling their gazes were, they still keep those plastic smiles plastered on their faces.
Naruto began sweating like a whore in church. He wondered how far from the truth that saying really was at the moment. They thought he was here because he couldn't control his 'sexual urges,' after all.
He clamped his hands over his ears, unconsciously attracting more attention to himself. The counselor's words were still ringing through his head. She hadn't said much, but for some reason what she had was lodged in his head. He just-he needed to go somewhere, somewhere to get away from all the accusing eyes. Someplace where he could clear his head at least a little bit.
He continued to scan the area, but the staff was everywhere. By bathrooms, doors, trees, every building, every place, every-freaking-where! Just as the blond was about to panic, his eyes caught something curling over the top of one of the buildings. Smoke.
He walked toward it, cautiously peering over the side of the wooden building to find the cause. His jaw nearly dropped at what he saw.
He knew smoke was usually caused by something hot, but this wasn't what he had been expecting.
Leaning against the pale wood, hands shoved into the pockets of tight, black leather pants, was the most gorgeous man Naruto had ever seen. The man practically oozed sex as he inhaled the cigarette that dangled from between his full, sensual lips and glared icily at air in front of him, obviously not happy to be there.
Naruto suddenly considered going to church camps more often if they included finding sex gods.
He slowly let his eyes roam over the lean form, soaking up every detail. The man was wearing a tight, black sleeveless zip-up shirt that nicely showed off his chest and slender, yet muscular figure. His pants rode low on his hips, exposing a small stretch of creamy, smooth skin and a slight tease of dark pubic hair. Alright, so the pubes really weren't that sexy, but the fact that the other boy had managed to get away with it in the first place was somehow turning Naruto on. A lot.
The boy's legs were crossed by the ankles casually, trying to make him seem more relaxed even though his body was incredibly tense. His features were well defined and sharp, looking almost as if they had been chiseled out of marble. While a pallor complexion and dark blue-black hair might have looked sickly on most people, it only added to his beauty, making him seem more like a porcelain doll than a real human being.
After giving the guy a once over—or sixth over—Naruto suddenly glanced around the man. He smiled as he slowly realized that there was no camp staff in sight. Apparently this guy was pretty smart too, since he had immediately managed to pick out the only blind spot in their security.
Without thinking, he jumped behind the wall and threw his hands in the air. "SANCTUARY!" He cried, happy to be free of all of gut wrenching, judgmental looks
This outburst seemed to bring the man out of whatever trance he was in and Naruto soon found himself peering into two pools of starless midnight. The dead, cold look in them from before was replaced by a twinkle of amusement as he stared at the blond. Naruto fidgeted, not used to be stared at with such intensity that wasn't laced with hatred.
"Uh…" He managed to squeak out, forgetting that his arms where still idiotically thrown into the air. The raven-haired man brought his hand to his mouth and pulled out his cigarette. He smirked, exhaling all of the smoke from his lungs and pointed with his cigarette towards a building with a large cross hovering over it.
"The church is over there. I doubt there's anything sacred about an alley," he brought his sin stick to his lips once more and took a nice, long drag from it. "…Idiot." He turned his head and stared into the space in front of him once more, his shoulders noticeably less stiff now.
Cheeks flushing in embarrassment, Naruto snapped back to his senses and dropped his arms, glaring at the other boy. "Shows what you know, anything away from those looks is holy land to me." The boy gave a grunt of agreement, and Naruto didn't doubt that everyone-hell, everything-in the camp had had their eyes glued to the other boy since he walked in. Which, really, made that fact that he was able to find a space away from everything all the more incredible... but it still didn't give him the right to call Naruto an idiot. "And don't call me an idiot, bastard!"
The boy snapped his head back and gazed at the blond again like no one had ever spoken to him like that before. A smirk slowly crept onto his face as he stared at Naruto like he was an interesting new species he'd never seen before. Naruto gulped but refused to take a step back.
"Hn," the boy grunted in response, still puffing on the last of his cigarette.
"Are you allowed to be smoking those here?" Naruto asked with a cough and he scrunched up his face in disgust as the wind picked up and blew a cloud of smoke right in his face. He waved the grey cloud away as it began to burn his nostrils.
The boy shrugged and exhaled a stream of smoke from his nose, reminding Naruto of an angry cartoon bull. "Does it matter?" He responded with a slight edge to his voice. Naruto caught the silent question—"Who's gong to tell, you?"—and rubbed the back of his head nervously.
"Heh, nah. Not really, I guess."
Naruto walked up and stood in front of him, extending a tanned hand towards the boy, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, nice t' meet ya!"
The boy stared at his hand, exhaling a lung full of smoke into the his face. Naruto coughed and glared and began to pull his hand away, royally pissed off about the guy's attitude (this guy was a dick!), when it was suddenly stopped. He looked down to see a pale, icy hand gripping his own firmly.
Naruto gave him a grin so wide that Sasuke could have probably counted all of his teeth if he really wanted to and shook his hand a few times before letting go. Naruto rested his hands behind his head.
"So, are you here because you're gay or a man-whore?" He asked with a mischievous grin. Sasuke started and then smirked at the word 'man-whore', taking another drag of his sin stick.
"A little of both." A dark, sly expression crept across his features. "What about you? Been doing any 'man-whoring' lately?"
Naruto stuttered and blushed. Why did everyone think that? Did he look like a slut to them? He was Naruto! Naruto! Not Naru-ho!
"Hell no!" He choked out, his voice noticeably higher than usual. Sasuke raised a finely shaped eyebrow at him, that infuriatingly sexy smirk still in place. He took one last long inhale from his cigarette before tossing it on the ground and snuffing it out with the ball of his foot.
Naruto suddenly felt naked when Sasuke raked his eyes over the blond's body. For some reason when those dark eyes looked at him it felt like Sasuke was peering into Naruto's soul, almost as if it was something much more intimate and forbidden than just an innocent look. Then again, there was hardly anything innocent about Sasuke.
The man was sex on legs, and that made him a walking sin
A strange look crossed Sasuke's face before he slapped on his smirk once again and uncrossed his legs, pushing off the wall and standing before Naruto at full height.
Naruto barely had any time to process just what exactly Sasuke was doing before he was suddenly spun around by a hand on his shoulder and shoved against the wall, pale hands resting beside either side of his head.
"That's too bad," Sasuke breathed into his ear. The warm smell of tobacco and deep baritone voice that lashed out against Naruto's ear and scalp coated his body in goosebumps nearly instantly.
"Why?" Naruto surprised himself with the breathy quality of his voice. Sasuke's lips vibrated against the shell of Naruto's ear as he chuckled, making the skin there tingle. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end, running up his neck until it stopped and prickled just below the base of his skull.
"Because then I might've been able to get away with this-" Sasuke suddenly captured his lips with his own in a fiery kiss. At first Naruto had been too shocked to move-hadn't he just met this guy?-but he was quickly brought out of his stupor when Sasuke sucked on Naruto's bottom lip.
Naruto dug his fingers into gelled black tresses and yanked Sasuke's head back by the back of his scalp, breaking the kiss.
"What are you doing?" Naruto whispered in a panic, looking around wildly. "What if someone sees us? Shit, what if they're watching us right now!"
Sasuke seemed unconcerned by Naruto's sudden wave of paranoia and simply shrugged. "Then we'll give them a show." He moved closer to Naruto and pressed his chest against him, smirking at the panicked look on Naruto's face.
"Don't worry idiot, no one can see us. If the could, they would've came over and separated us already," he whispered into Naruto's ear before licking and lightly nibbling at the soft, sensitive cartilage. Naruto moaned as he shuddered again at the pleasant tingling sensation that danced down his spine.
He closed his eyes and unconsciously pulled Sasuke's body closer, his fingers still tangled in dark hair. Sasuke had a point; if anyone were watching them they would have rushed over and lectured them about giving into 'sinful desires' by now.
Plus Naruto had to wonder, would it really hurt to just give in? Naruto had never had anyone show this kind of interest in him before. It made him feel... needed, and God did he need to be needed right now. Right after his parents had dumped him at some fundamentalist penitentiary. Besides, what were the chances that he'd see Sasuke again after this whole camp thing was over? Why not just enjoy it now, especially when what Sasuke was doing felt that good.
He jokingly bet that even Jesus himself wouldn't be able to resist if he were in Naruto's place.
Sasuke released Naruto's ear and slowly kissed his way across a tan, scarred cheek. He just barely pressed his lips against Naruto's in a petal soft kiss, moving his lips at a torturously slow pace to tease him. Right when Naruto moved to kiss him back, Sasuke pulled his head back and smirked at the baffled blond. After trying a few more times with the same result, Naruto pulled back and growled in frustration at Sasuke's satisfied smirk until he finally realized what was going on.
Sasuke was challenging him, and Naruto wasn't about to back down.
So when Sasuke tried to evade yet another kiss, Naruto yanked him down by the back of his head into a fierce kiss and made a victorious sound. Sasuke grunted and kissed back with equal fervor and catching Naruto's bottom lip between his teeth, nipping and sucking on it.
Naruto gasped when one of Sasuke's sharp canines sunk into the soft under side of his lip and Sasuke took the opportunity to slip his tongue in the blond's mouth. Naruto felt like his body was on fire as Sasuke pressed more into his body, his spine almost completely straight as it was uncomfortably pushed into smooth wood. The strong aftertaste of tobacco invaded his senses, along with something that vaguely tasted like cinnamon gum.
Adrenaline rushed through his body as Sasuke's tongue began exploring his mouth, expertly swiping it over the insides of his cheeks and the roof of his mouth before running and twirling the wet muscle around his own tongue. He moaned into the kiss as he felt the heat that spread throughout his body began to gather in his groin, the fluttering in his stomach becoming more violent with every touch and ragged breath.
Naruto tentatively began to move his tongue against Sasuke's, trying not to seem as inexperienced as he really was. Sasuke groaned when he felt Naruto's tongue clumsily slide against his own and encouraged it to move farther with his own tongue. Naruto gasped as Sasuke moved his hands from wall and slowly ran suggestive, ghostly touches down the sides of Naruto's body, stopping and letting them rest on his hips
He moved their hips until they were aligned, consequently bringing their erections into alignment as well. Naruto failed at suppressing a moan when Sasuke rocked their hips together, answering their bodies pleas for sweet friction. Naruto's chest began heaving to better accommodate his racing heart, momentarily seeing spots every time Sasuke brought their hips together in a slow grind.
Oh God, the kissing was getting way out of hand.
Sasuke broke off their heated kiss with a loud, wet smack and licked the light sheen of sweat on the blond's throat. He attacked Naruto's pulse, licking and sucking, only releasing the skin he nipped and brought between his teeth when Naruto warned him about leaving hickeys.
Naruto tried to collect his muddled thoughts through the haze of his mind when Sasuke hooked his thumbs under the blond's pant line and stroked the soft skin there. He had to stop this. Especially before they both made certain, er, stains that they wouldn't be able to explain.
"Sa… Sa-Sasuke.. we, we should-" Naruto lost all coherent thought though when Sasuke suddenly quicken the pace and gave a particularly deep thrust, making Naruto's tailbone dig painfully into a nail head sticking out from the wood wall behind him.
Sasuke grunted and gathered all the will-power he possessed. He pulled his head away from the tanned neck and forced his hips to stop moving, reluctantly releasing his grip on Naruto's hips. Naruto slowly untangled his sweaty palms from Sasuke's hair and dropped them to his sides. Sasuke stepped back slightly to give them more breathing room and to stop sandwiching Naruto between himself and the wall.
Naruto let his back part from the wall as he tried to gain control over his ragged, shallow breathing. He glanced up to find Sasuke just as flustered and out of breath and chuckled. Sasuke looked up at him, his eyes still glazed over with the lust that had been ruling them only moments before, and cocked an eyebrow at the giggling boy.
"What's so funny?" His voice came out more husky and uneven than it was before.
"Heh, nothing. It's just they never mentioned this in the pamphlet," Naruto joked, remembering how terrified he had originally been when reading up about the camp.
"Man-whore," Sasuke snorted. He failed at suppressing a small, amused smirk when Naruto began blushing and stuttering at the comment.
"Ye-yeah, well, you started it, so that makes you one too!" Naruto shot back, digging an accusing index finger into Sasuke's hard chest. Sasuke grabbed Naruto's hand and pulled the blond against his tall body, wrapping his free arm around Naruto's waist.
"Don't get so angry," He leaned down and chuckled into the blond's ear, his hot, moist breath began swirling around the inside of Naruto's ear once again, "I'm glad you're one." He suddenly let go of Naruto and pulled away.
Naruto blushed even more violently and glared at Sasuke. He opened his mouth to retort when an intercom suddenly, loudly clicked on.
"Good morning and welcome to your first day of camp! We're so glad you chose us to be your spiritual guides on the road to salvation, and we're looking forward to meeting and getting know each and every one of you! But now, everyone please report to the worship center for our first group session, and remember, Jesus still loves you!"
The overly cheery announcement echoed through the grounds before the intercom whined and clicked off once again, leaving only the sound of grumbling teenagers shuffling in the direction of what Naruto assumed was where they were meeting. Sasuke let out an angry exhale, obviously not looking forward to the 'group session', before running his fingers through his hair to undo the damage Naruto inflicted during their make-out session.
"Wait a few minutes before leaving after me, idiot."
"Uh, yeah, right. Later, bastard," Naruto responded dumbly, still in a slight daze. Sasuke began to leave but then suddenly stopped in his tracks and spun around. Naruto blinked at him as he walked back over and placed a light kiss to Naruto's temple. "Don't lose yourself," he whispered.
"Huh?" Naruto scrunched his face in confusion and looked up only to find Sasuke gone. Don't lose yourself? What the hell was Sasuke talking about? He groaned and slid down the wall behind him, not caring if he got any splinters in his back from the wood.
He felt like he had just been thrown into a whirlpool and then spat back out. Everything was happening so fast it made his head feel like it was going to spin off. He pushed off the ground with his hand and stood up, making his way stealthily towards their meeting place.
Well, he wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen in this place but one thing was for sure, it would be… interesting, to say the least.
Lord have mercy.