In retrospect, Kira thought glumly, I should have seen this coming. He thought back to that fateful vice captain's meeting earlier today- his first, actually.
One of the main points discussed during a vice-captain meeting was, quite frankly, who was going to distract Yachiru so they could have a meeting. It was a lesson they learned the hard way (the hard way involving a series of utterly failed meetings and the disruption of order, which lead to a mound of paperwork the likes of which no one ever wanted to see again).
Kira, being the new guy, was elected to the job. If Hinamori had been there (called away to handle matters in the living world), he might not be in this situation.
So, with all the ignorance of a blind man walking into a den of ravenous lions, hungry tigers, and deadly snakes, Kira approached the tiny, adroable vice-captain.
This isn't so bad, he thought. She reminded him of Hinamori in some ways- if Hinamori had somehow been injected with a kilogram of pure sugar when she was born.
"Hey there." He replied, smiling.
"Are you here to play with me?" Yachiru questioned, eyes wide, her index finger placed against her lips.
It was deceptively adorable.
"I sure am." He smiled a little wider. This might be fun, actually...
Like the man who tied the Devil's shoelaces together for a laugh, Izuru Kira had no idea what he was getting himself into.
"Let's play tag!" Kira barely had time to register what she said when he was hit with what felt like a brick fired out of a cannon at supersonic speed.
Splayed on the ground, winded and with at least a bruised rib, Kira thought he heard a voice yelling "Tag! You're it!"
"Do you feel kinda bad for setting the new guy up like that?" Matsumoto whispered quietly. Shuuhei shook his head.
"Naw, Kira seems like he'd be pretty good with kids... I think. Anyway, what's the worse that could happen?"
When he followed after Vice-Captain Kusajishi burst out of the Seireitei walls (to avoiding being tagged), Kira had the vague notion this was a bad idea.
When he passed the Twentieth District, panting, exhausted, and looking less like a Vice-Captain of the Gotei Thirteen with each wheeze, he knew it was.
When he collapsed into the dirt somewhere around the Fortieth District, he had decided that he was going to have a very, very long talk with Hinamori about warning friends about possible life-threatening situations on one's first day on the job.
Yachiru pouted when she went back to find Kira's collapsed body.
Well, she pouted after she delivered a rather sound beating to the various bandits gathered around his unconscious body and wielding threatening weapons, shouting "Hey! That's my toy, not yours!"
"And that concludes our meeting," Nanao said formally. She tended to take charge at these things, and none of the others (even the most senior vice-captain, Chojiro) really felt like challenging her for the position.
In Captain Shunsui's words, "She can scare the shit out of you just by moving her glasses, for God's sake. Are you really gonna argue with her?"
Matsumoto breathed a sigh of relief. Marechiyo yawned.
"That went surprisingly well." Shuuhei commented, stretching as he stood.
"Well, that's because we elected Vice-Captain Izuru to-" Isane paused mid-sentence, eyes widening.
In unison, the vice-captains looked at each other.
"Hey... he never came back to yell at us or even complain about being stuck with Yachiru." Matsumoto noted, scratching her chin thoughtfully.
Every new vice-captain who ended up with the job tended to interrupt the meeting halfway, looking like they'd been dragged through all of Seireitei and yelling about taking advantage of ignorance.
It was a sort of tradition.
Shuuhei sighed, standing up, scratching the back of his head. "I guess I'll go find 'im."
And in the Eleventh Division Headquarters, Zaraki Kenpachi stepped out of his office and saw an upside down, tied up Shinigami that looked vaguely like that weak looking blonde from the Third Division, only with his hair done up in a mohawk, several ridiculous looking drawings all over his face, and tears in his eyes as he pleaded for someone, anyone to get him down.
"YACHIRU! WHAT'D I TELL YA ABOUT LEAVING YER TOYS AROUND MY OFFICE!"