Chapter Two: Your Shadow Weighs A Ton

A/N: this is later on in Season Four (of the O.C.). Marissa and Lilly have become friends.

"You don't think it's wrong that we're drinking, do you?" Marissa asked Lilly in a rare burst of conscience.


"But we're under 21."

"Honey, we're gonna be under 21 for all eternity. I'm not going through all eternity without a drink.

"Fair enough." She and Lilly clinked drinks. Suddenly, Marissa sat up with a jolt.

"Oh my god! I can't believe that asshole! Look at him!" Marissa slurred, gesturing at Ryan kissing Taylor.

Lilly took a sip of her martini. The two were lying in bikinis by a giant pool, and they were watching Marissa's family and friends moving on.

"Yeah, that blows."

"It more than blows! It's fucking awful, that's what it is!" Marissa exclaimed, waving her flask around. "Look at him! Kissing her! He doesn't care about me! He's not even thinking about me!" She paused and took another gulp of vodka, "He's kissing Taylor fucking Townsend and I'm dead."

Lilly patted her arm.

"God, I hate that girl. How could he do this to me? She got me expelled! She got Ryan expelled! She's horrible."

"At least he's not hooking up with your best friend." Lilly said quietly.

"What?" Marissa asked, suddenly interested. Lilly rarely mentioned her life, and Marissa usually didn't mind (it gave her more time to talk about herself): if she didn't want to share, she didn't have to, but she was always interested in what was happening to Lilly's friends and family.

"My boyfriend and my best friend hooked up."

"Veronica and Logan, you mean?" Lilly had mentioned her best friend Veronica Mars and her boyfriend Logan Echolls before.

"Yep." Lilly nodded.

"That's awful!" Marissa exclaimed. "If Summer and Ryan hooked up I would be so mad. I can't believe they did that to you. What shitty friends."

Lilly nodded, sipping her drink again, her face growing cloudy. "I know!" she yelped. "And then he tells her that they're epic! Them! Epic!"

"Epic!" echoed Marissa, shocked.

"I know! Epic? I mean, hello, I was the one who got my head bashed in with an ashtray, and he calls her EPIC?" Lilly breathed in and out a few times, her face growing less red. "But they're not bad people, really."

"Not bad?" Marissa was appalled. She was livid about Ryan and Taylor and Lilly could get over Logan and Veronica so easily?

"No." Lilly shook her head, her voice calmer now. "Veronica's the best friend a girl could have. She found my killer and she nailed him to the wall. Of course, the police are assholes and they didn't convict him."

"Are you serious? Is he just wandering around free?"

Lilly smiled, "Oh, no. Duncan took care of him for me." Her grin grew a little wider, and Marissa could tell that Lilly was pleased that someone would kill for her.

"And Logan, well, it's for the best. Logan and I weren't meant to be. We're not soulmates. Logan and Veronica are. That I know." Lilly paused. "But if they weren't, I wouldn't forgive them. There'd be hell to pay."

"At least Veronica was loyal to you. What's Summer doing palling around Taylor?" Marissa was furious. She had been replaced by Taylor. Taylor Townsend, who probably didn't even care that she was dead; who was probably glad that she was dead. "God! I hate everything. My life…" she paused, "or death, or whatever…is so totally unfair!"

"At least you got to graduate." Lilly mumbled, not looking at her.


"You got to graduate and you got to go to your prom." Lilly said. "I didn't. I always wanted to."

"It's not all it's cracked up to be." But Marissa was lying, and they both knew it. She was glad that she had passed those life milestones before she died.

"I just wish," Lilly's voice cracked a little bit, "I just wish that I could've done those things before I died."

Marissa had no words for, but just squeezed her hand sympathetically.

"I think that I was meant to die," Lilly mused.

Marissa was shocked, "What?"

"See, you weren't meant to die, but I think I was."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's just that I was too fabulous for life. I went looking for excitement and kept finding it in all the wrong places. It's just the way I was wired. And it caught up with me." Lilly drained her cocktail glass. "And Veronica. I think I had to die so that she could become awesome."

"How can you talk about this so calmly?" Marissa was impressed. "I can hardly get over the fact that I'm dead, and you just talk about it so calmly."

"I've been dead three years longer than you. You get used to it." Lilly shrugged. "But, see I think that you were meant to live. You had so many people who cared about you; I don't know why you didn't live. It's weird. But I guess life's just a bitch. So I don't know if you'll ever get over being dead."

Marissa just sat, watching her family and friends interact.

"There's always so much you wish you could tell them, isn't there?" Lilly sympathized.

"Yes!" Marissa smiled at her, she understood, "There's so much I wish I could've told them. I wish I could've told Ryan I loved him; and told my dad I wasn't mad at him; and told Kaitlin to be strong for Mom, and to stick with her; and told Summer that I'll always be there with her, even when I'm gone; and told Seth that I'm sorry that I didn't speak to him until we were 16; and told the Cohens thank you for everything; and..." she drifted off, wiping away a tear, "I wish I could've told my mother that I was sorry and that I didn't hate her. That I'd never hated her. I wish I could've told her that I loved her."

Lilly's heart broke for this girl, who, although something of a diva, was good at heart

"Don't cry, Marissa. They have to move on. You wouldn't want them to be stuck on you forever, would you?"

Marissa sniffled and shook her head.

But she was lying. And a few months later, when she heard Ryan tell Taylor he loved her, she made sure her wrath was felt.

A/N: okie, it's done. I know that it was weird, but reviews are greatly appreciated.