Disclaimer: Harry Potter, names, characters and indicia are solely JK Rowling's. I do not take credit for any thing you recognize in this story.
-A Tale of Wooing Parents-
"Meeting her parents?" Sirius asked disbelievingly, watching James pack his bag for his leaving to Lily's house. "You're mental, that's what you are!"
James shrugged. "It was going to happen sooner or later, Padfoot. So better get done with this sooner."
"Well then, I take it back. You're not mental, you're suicidal. If Lily's dad has her temper, I pronounce you a goner."
James rolled his eyes. "You go ahead and do that."
"So are you going to wear those muggle tux things for the wedding then?" Sirius continued, examining the costume laid on James's bed. "Kind of tight around the crotch area, aren't they?" He asked, wincing and James nodded faintly, grimacing. "Definitely a goner. No more Prongs Juniors," He muttered under his breath, yet James heard him nonetheless and sent him a murderous glare.
"Sirius, I beg you to stop talking. You're driving me berserk," He snapped, shoving the tux unceremoniously into his trunk. Taking a deep breath, he held his trunk in one hand and waved morosely at Sirius. "Pray for my soul," He declared before spinning on himself and with a loud CRACK he disappeared out of sight.
Humming a tune that sounded suspiciously like the funeral march, Sirius shook his head, watching the place his best friend just left before muttering, "And he's gone." under his breath, and finally jumped up to look for something to eat.
"James!" Lily exclaimed as she came to meet him at the front porch. "I'm so glad you came," She beamed, giving him a kiss that he quickly pulled away from.
"Your parents, Lily," He gritted, giving her a pointed look and she rolled her eyes.
"Come along. Meet the family," She smiled, pulling him by the hand inside the house.
He gulped as they reached the sitting room. To say he was terrified was an understatement. Her mother and father were sitting on a loveseat near a grand fireplace, and her sister with an apparent whale beside her on another couch.
"Parents, I would like you to meet James, my boyfriend," Lily started, moving aside to reveal a coy looking James Potter hiding behind her. He gave a nervous smile and waved.
Her mother stood up and came over to him. "Hullo, James. Lily has told me much about you. It's nice to finally meet you," She smiled at him, her emerald eyes, identical to Lily's, gleaming merrily.
"Oh, er, it's nice to meet you as well, Mrs. Evans," James replied politely. "Mr. Evans," He nodded his head towards the thin man sitting on the couch, observing him peculiarly.
"Potter," Her father muttered gruffly, and James felt the hair on the back of his neck stand at attention. He swallowed.
"And this is my sister, Petunia, and her fiancé, Vermin- Pardon, I mean, Vernon," Lily corrected innocently, yet James could easily notice how her eyes were sparkling roguishly.
"Um, it's nice to meet you," James smiled awkwardly and Petunia flared her nostrils at him unattractively. James cringed. He was very glad Lily got her sister's share of beauty.
"Well, I suppose James and I will be going to my room now," Lily attempted quickly but her father was straight on his feet.
"Your room, Lillian? With your boyfriend?!" He bit indignantly.
She rolled her eyes. "It's just to get him settled, dad," She replied casually.
"Settled in your room?!" He exclaimed, yet again.
"Well since we don't have an extra guestroom, dad, mom said it would be okay if James bunked with me," She responded and James felt his heart skip a beat.
"Rose, is that true?" Mr. Evans turned on his wife who waved him off.
"Well where did you expect him to sleep? On the floor?" Mrs. Evans blinked innocently.
"We have a perfectly well pull-out couch right here in the Living Room. There is no way I'm having my daughter sleep in the same room, in the same bed as a boy!" He rejoined.
Mrs. Evans gave a resigned sigh. "Well he has a point, Lillian. I'm sorry, dear," She smiled penitently at her daughter who gave a whine and pouted.
James coughed uncomfortably.
This was going to be a very long week.
"Psst. Psst, James," Lily hissed, tiptoeing inside the Living Room to see her boyfriend sprawled across the sofa, drooling onto his pillow.
"UmburghaLily," James grumbled groggily, rolling over, trying to find some kind of comfy position on the uncomfortable couch.
She rolled her eyes and slipped under the covers, winding her arms around James's bare stomach. She blushed slightly when his eyes popped open immediately and he stared at her for a moment unsurely.
"Lily?" He whispered, blinking several times and rubbing his eyes. "What are you doing down here? What time is it?"
Lily shrugged, snuggling closer. "It's about two thirty in the morning. And I just thought since you couldn't sleep in my room, I could sleep down here. I'll sneak out before my parents wake up."
"Oh, a sly one," James smirked. "I love it when you're so devious."
Lily giggled quietly, running her hands over his bare torso. "Do you always sleep in your boxers?" She asked, tasting his neck and he gave a content sigh and mumbled an incoherent 'Humbagmoo' when she bit slightly at his flesh. She tittered again, her eyes bright in the dark room. "Is that a wand in you boxers or are you just happy to see me?" She inquired saucily, blowing a raspberry and he fumbled slightly, before, in fact, pulling out his wand from under the covers.
"My wand, actually. Gotta be safe if somehow your father decided to smother me in my sleep," He chuckled. "But that doesn't mean that I'm not happy to see you."
She laughed against his mouth as his lips pressed against hers purposefully, making her part them and allowing his tongue entry. Rolling on top of her, his hands sneaked under her shirt, drawing lazy circles across her stomach with his fingertips. She gave a soft moan, threading her fingers in his hair, pressing him closer to her form.
"James," She panted against his mouth. "Take off my shirt."
A hormone driven teenage boy like James didn't need telling twice and her shirt soon joined her slippers on the floor, and James was very pleased to note that Lily slept without her bra on.
"Touch me," She whispered, and James's heart seemed to jump to his throat, mental alarm bells ringing in his ears.
What were they doing?
"I-I can't," He stuttered thickly and she frowned, her eyes flashing with hurt, briefly, then realization.
Breathing a sigh, she picked up her shirt and slipped it on without a word, and James finally decided to settle beside her instead of on top.
"I'm sorry, Lily. It-It's just that, we're in your parents' house, on a pull-out couch in their Living Room. Did you really want this to be here?" He asked, raising his eyebrows at her and she smiled softly at him, kissing him lingeringly on the cheek.
"No, you're right. I'm the one who should be sorry."
He frowned. "How is that? Other than lying there looking extremely sexy, you've done nothing wrong," He smirked and she chuckled, shaking her head.
"Well, it's just that, I would have gotten you into major trouble if, you know, someone caught us," She stated and he blinked stupidly.
She smiled again and tugged him to her. "Come on. If we can't fool around, then we can at least cuddle," She continued, settling in his arms.
"Right. That," He repeated densely, Sirius's voice echoing in his ears: 'Men do not cuddle!'
"'Night, James," She muttered, her hot breath tickling his neck and he found he quite like this cuddling business when it was with Lily's petite form flush against his.
'You are officially a twat,' Sirius's voice came to him again yet he swatted it away like he would do with an annoying fly hovering near his head, when Lily kissed him lightly.
Waking up to find someone watching him was definitely not the way James wanted to start his day.
Especially since the eyes that met him weren't Lily's entrancing emerald eyes, but dark brown ones that were glaring menacingly down at him.
With a girly frightened shriek, James sat up, pulling the covers to his chest.
"Really, dad, would you stop scaring him so?" Came Lily's annoyed voice from the next room.
Her dad ignored her and sat up, his glare only intensifying. "Get up, Potter. It's eleven in the morning. Don't you find it rude to sleep in so late when you're imposing in someone else's house?" He bit and James cowered a trifle under the covers.
Lily finally made her appearance by her father's side, an exasperated expression on her face. "Don't listen to him, James. You're not imposing on anyone, isn't that right, Dad?" She asked pointedly.
Her father snorted and without bothering to respond, left the room.
"I'm sorry about that, James," She smiled contritely. "My father is simply overprotective."
James nodded silently, throwing the covers away and getting up, not noticing that he was only in his boxers, before he exited the room and made his way towards the bathroom.
Yet he was quite surprised when he opened the door of the Living Room to see a family of whales in the parlor who immediately started shrieking at the sight of him.
"Lord in Heaven!" One of them cried, fanning her face with her hand.
"Put it away!" Another exclaimed, shielding her eyes.
"Oh Merlin, I'm so sorry," James yelped unthinkingly, immediately closing the door in their faces. He turned around to see Lily lying on the couch, doubling in laughter, tears of mirth streaming down her face.
"Aharharharhar," She laughed. "Oh God – hahaha - I'm so sorry, James - hahaha!"
"Why didn't you tell me Vermin's family was here!?" He exclaimed indignantly, although a smile was tugging on his lips.
"I just – hahaha - had to – hahaha - see the look on their faces," She breathed through laughs. "Oh, and don't swear in Wizard language anymore. They already think you're rude. Don't make them think you're mental."
Running a hand through his hair embarrassedly, James lied down beside her and looked at her. "So what are we doing today?" He asked quietly, running a hand through her hair.
She rubbed her nose against his and chuckled. "Your breath stinks," She giggled and he smiled ruefully. "Well, I'm going to pick up my dress for tomorrow. Do you feel like accompanying me?" She asked and he nodded.
"Sure. Just let me get dressed. And, er, please tell me that your house has a back door, because there is no way in hell I'm going to go from the front one. I think they'll attack me."
Laughing lightly, she nodded. "Yes, we have a back door. Now, go brush your teeth. I'm afraid I'm going to faint if I have to smell your breath one more time."
Putting his hand on his chest, he feigned hurt. "You wound me, Evans."
"You annoy me, Potter."
The sun was beating down on the two teenagers as they sat outside on the grass, lazily looking up at the sky.
"I'm bored," James complained for the umpteenth time.
With an annoyed growl, Lily rolled her eyes. "Potter, I'm gonna poke your eyes out if you whine one more time."
"But, I'm bored," he stated, flicking his hair out of his eyes.
Lily didn't bother to answer.
"I'm hot," He suddenly declared and she shoved a piece of grass at his head. "Hey! Do not mess with the hair!"
"Then shut up," She bit.
Just when he was about to open in his mouth to bleat again, he found dirt being shoveled into his mouth.
Spluttering and spitting, he got up and wiped at his tongue with his sleeve. "Fuck! Yuck, yuck, yuck!" He exclaimed, jumping up and down.
Lily giggled. "I told you to shut up," She stated, matter-of-factly.
"We need a shower," He replied, frowning and trying to look at his tongue by crossing his eyes.
"I hope you don't mean a shower together?" She asked, eyebrows raised roguishly.
He chuckled and shook his head. "Lily, you should know by now that I deeply cherish my reproduction system and wouldn't want it castrated by, oh say, your father," He replied and she giggled.
"Well, I should be getting dressed, anyway. The wedding is in a couple of hours and I am, after all, the Maid of Honor," She scoffed.
"Oh, I'm sure you'll look stunning. I can't wait to see you," He grinned and she smiled at him.
"I'll see you later, James. You better get dressed as well. You could use my bedroom because I'm sure you wouldn't want to strip in the Living Room where the whole lot of my family and family's friends are gathered."
He grinned. "Yeah, alright."
When James had finally stripped and was standing in only his boxers in Lily's room, he finally realized that he had left his tux downstairs.
Groaning out loud, he ran a hand through his hair and peeked out of the door and onto the hallway to check if the coast was clear.
Remembering the stealthy heroes in those muggle movies he saw when he was at Remus's house last summer, he knelt near the door and glanced both ways before practically throwing himself on the floor and crawling on his elbows and knees down the corridor.
He could hear voices from downstairs as he approached the staircase and peeked through the banister's bars and saw several men gathered near the entrance.
Groaning inwardly, he made a few creeps forward again before a pair of feet blocked his way.
Gulping, he slowly glanced up to see Lily's father glaring down at him.
"What are you doing, Potter? We have guests over and you're crawling about the house in your panties?!"
Blinking several times before swiping away the sweat that had formed on his upper lip and forehead, James slowly stood up with as much dignity as he could muster while being in his underpants in front of Lily's father. "I-I'm sorry, Sir. I was just about to change, you see, but I realized at the last second that I had left my tux downstairs," James explained and Mr. Evans stared at him disbelievingly.
"Couldn't you simply dress back, go get your suit, then strip?"
D'oh! James thought, inwardly berating himself for his thickness.
He blinked several times again, observing Mr. Evans densely. Sighing resignedly, Mr. Evans waved a hand at him and James ducked, thinking he was going to slap him.
"I'll go get your suit, Potter. Just, go hide in a room somewhere."
James nodded, already making his way towards Lily's room. Without bothering to knock and thinking things couldn't get any worse than this, he opened the door only to be met with a loud shriek and a 'Get out, get out, get out!' from Lily who apparently had just gotten out from the shower, and from what James saw, was freshly cleaned and shiny.
Quickly closing the door behind him, he stood dazedly for a moment, staring blankly ahead. Worse, he wasn't the only one standing.
That was very, very bad indeed.
James Potter was very horny.
He'd heard somewhere that women were the ones with the raging hormones during weddings, because the thought of marriage was oh so alluring to them.
But James Potter was, unfortunately, no female.
He was a very, very manly man, thank you very much.
Hm, he broke a nail today while trying to move the table with Lily –
Coughing awkwardly, James ran a hand through his hair and looked around the humongous garden of the fancy hotel where the dinner party was being held. Swooping the crowd with his gaze, he looked at for a bulb of red hair in vain.
He needed to have Lily. Now.
With a heavy sigh, he got up from his place at the table and made his way through hysterical women and hyper children in search of his Lily Dearest who knew exactly how to tame his raging needs.
He finally spotted a group of teenage girls gathered near the cake, and, with her back turned to him, the redhead of his dreams. Breathing a sigh of relief, he made his way toward her determinedly.
Not noticing how the group of girls had immediately stopped talking at his approach, he experimentally wound his hand around the waist of his girlfriend and whispered in her ear, his voice like silk, "I need to have you, right now."
He felt her start in his arms and when she turned around to face him, he couldn't help the yelp of horror that came out of his mouth in the form of 'Holy Mother of God!'
Apparently, the redhead wasn't his girlfriend at all, unless Lily had some kind of plastic surgery that made her nose hook-like and her brilliant eyes muddy brown.
The sudden shock made James back away from the stranger immediately and he went stumbling back right onto the table that, alas, held the cake.
Really, why did the Gods hate him so?
There was a series of shrieks of horror and a flow of curse words, and James swore that his face was currently the color of a tomato, and really, red clashed horribly with his hair.
"Oh God, James, are you alright?"
Cue the hallelujah chorus. It was Lily. He was saved.
Getting up with a groan of pain, he ran a hand across his face, smearing cream everywhere.
"Oh, come on, let's get you cleaned up," She coaxed, and he felt her approach him, rather than saw her since his glasses were covered in icing, obscuring his vision.
She took his hand and helped him up, and he let her lead him away from the crowd of onlookers.
"Give me your glasses, so I can clean them up for you," She told him softly and he handed her his spectacles.
"You're not mad, are you?" He asked and she smirked at him.
"Are you kidding me? I was bored out of my mind and was praying that something like this would happen so I can make up an excuse to get away from the 'happy couple'," She replied with a roll of her eyes.
They were in the hotel's lobby now, and she was leading him towards the elevators. "Where are we going?" He asked curiously when she pressed on the button of the 5th Level.
She glanced at him with a roguish smirk on her face, before she shoved a key in his face. "My sister's honeymoon suite. I figured we'd take advantage of it before she and her husband head on up," She stated lightly and he gaped.
"Wha-what? Are –are you serious?" He stuttered and she nodded calmly.
"Yeah. You said we couldn't do anything in my parents' house, so I figured a honeymoon suite would be good enough."
The elevator had stopped now with a metallic sound and with a leering smile, she tugged on his tie and pulled him towards the last door of the corridor.
"You are so bad, Evans," He stated, licking his lips and watching her open the door.
She cocked an eye at him. "You haven't seen anything yet, Potter."
She licked away the white creamy liquid from the corner of her mouth and James watched her pink tongue's movement with wide eyes, his breathing rather ragged.
"Really, Lily, when you said we were taking advantage of your sister's honeymoon suite, I certainly wasn't expecting this!"
She cocked an eyebrow at him. "What? Don't you like Vanilla ice-cream?"
He coughed awkwardly and ran a hand through his hair. "Oh, no, I do," He muttered, lounging back on the bed.
"Then what? Were you expecting something else?" She asked, her eyebrows still raised at him.
With a great sigh, he sat up and scooted closer to her form. "Yes, I was," He replied simply and she smirked at him, settling the cup of ice-cream on the bedside table before crawling towards him seductively.
"Something like this, perhaps?" She asked leeringly, licking at his lips before thrusting her tongue inside his mouth.
Not bothering to resist to the temptation, because he was still very, very horny, his hands wound in her hair as they both fell back on the bed, him on top. Her fingers fumbled with his shirt's buttons as the kiss grew heavier, leaving them both gasping for breath.
His breath was warm against her lips and she couldn't focus when he divested her from her black bridesmaid dress, and his body was suddenly so close she was practically suffocating underneath him.
"James," She moaned, when his hands brushed the sides of her breasts, and his lips were trailing down her neck, suckling her smooth flesh. "James," she breathed, more urgently.
"Mm, Lily," He sighed, not paying attention to the withering girlfriend underneath him, who was vainly trying to push him away.
"James!" She finally snapped, pushing on his shoulders purposefully and finally managing to turn him on his side and off of her.
"Oh, you want to be on top?" He asked, his eyebrows raised. "'Cause, you know, I don't mind."
She rolled her eyes at her boyfriend's crudity and picked up her dress. "Shut up, Potter. I'm gonna be neither on top nor on bottom."
He frowned in confusion before a huge smirk split his face, eyes gleaming mischievously. "Ah, she likes it dirty then," He stated, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
She scowled. "James, there isn't going to be any sexual activities in this room. The thought that my sister and her whale of a husband are going to be here after us is quite ghastly and is a definite turn off."
James cringed and he felt like he might throw up in his mouth a little. He muttered a disgusted 'Ew' before picking up his dress shirt. "Well, I suppose you're right. We should probably leave now," He suggested watching her zip up the dress.
Her pale freckled skin was slowly disappearing under the material of her dress, and his heart clenched a little. If only this was their honeymoon…
He jumped slightly, his heart suddenly beating a thousand times faster. He didn't why that thought came to his mind, but he was suddenly very, very frightened.
A/N: Alright, so this is probably going to be a two-shot. Next chapter should be up soon. In the meantime, reviewing would be rather splendid and would motivate me to write faster. :