Search and Destroy!


Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Hellsing are not owned by me. I am just using them for free entertainment.


Buffy was looking at the medievial dress at the new costume shop. Xander had wandered off, eyeing a bin with very cheap plastic toys. She let her hand drop off the fabric and look out the front of the shop. Had she seen-? She craned her neck, seeing Mrs. Calender sneaking off with a bag that looked like it contained some sort of costume. Why was she trying to hide it though?

Her attention was brought back, as she was roughly jostled by a taller brunette that snatched her costume off the rack! "Hey! That's the costume I was going to use to get my boyfriend's attention!" she snapped out.

"You snooze, you lose!" the girl replied snidely.

The only thing preventing Buffy from just taking the costume from the boyfriend-plan destroying harridan was that it was herself that would probably end up expelled... or worse! Buffy stared longingly as the other girl paid for her dress and walked out. Sighing unhappily, she continued to look for a costume that Angel would like.

"So does your boyfriend have something that he likes in particular? Or would you just like something that just shows off your figure?" the English-accented shop owner asked.

"Well, I was thinking an older period costume would do it, but that was the last one that she just took," the teenager said in explanation.

"How about a super hero costume. You have the right hair color for Supergirl," the older man said, looking over her speculatively. Though he'd made sure not to enchant that particular outfit.

Buffy shook her head. No super-hero antics. She had enough of that in real life. "No thanks."

"Hmm. How about a vixen of a vampiress?" Ethan had to hide his grin at that thought.

"Eww. No thank. This girl is not for dressing up as an undead blood sucker. I just want something to get him to take me seriously. I think he just considers me a child," she grumbled, trying to explain her hundreds of year old boyfriend problem without mentioning he was a vampire.

"Ah. How about a woman's business suit? To show off your maturity," the shop owner said, while pointing out the pale blue suit. "I even have a set of fake glasses that I'll add for free."

"Well, it's not bad. But it's kind of boring," she said, while thinking it over.

"Well, you can always look to add something to spice it up. Take a look around."

And that was how Buffy ended up with a woman's suit and pants, fake glasses and a last minute addition from Xander of a small pistol and holster. The shop owner even gave her a discount.


Integra became aware of the warm air around her. She stood up straighter, unconsciously pushing her glasses further up her nose. She narrowed her eyes and looked around the area with a keen eyesight, even if her eyes were a bit weak. There was an American soldier and a scantily glad girl walking towards her, as the homes were a bit smashed up. Looking closer, she noted that all the cars were parked backwards. Upon looking at the model of the cars in question, she realized that they were actually on the right side of the street, for the United States of America.

How had she ended up her when she had last been in Cheddar? Suddenly, two monsters approached her. Without even a slight bit of hesitation, she pulled out her 9mm pistol. "Unclean souls will be cleansed from this Earth. Amen-" she started to say when the girl screamed out.

"No! Don't shoot him! Their just children!" Willow called out as she jumped in the way. She doubted that any gun could hurt her right now.

"Remove yourself, scarlet woman. I am duty bound to destroy monsters!" Integra said in a chillingly final tone.

"It's magic! Magic has turned them into their costumes! Just like it turned Xander into a soldier and me into a ghost!" Willow was almost in full babble mode. The short, red devil monster behind her swiped at her with a roar.

The soldier started firing off careful shots into the air, finally scaring off the little monsters. "Well, that worked," he said.

"Indeed. You, girl, where are we and why was I brought here?" Integra demanded as she reached into her pocket and pulled out cigarette from a metal case and lit it.

"We're in Sunnydale, California. But you weren't brought here, the person wearing your costume became you! We really need to get off the street. I just don't know how we are going to deal with this without the Slayer," Willow said in complaint.

"What's a slayer?" the soldier asked.

The red-haired ghost nodded at Integra. "She's the Vampire Slayer. Destined to fight evil, blah blah. Giles does that so much better. Super-strength, speed and healing."

"I am in the body a the vampire slayer? How humorous," Integra mused. Feeling very foolish, she holstered her gun and attempted to lift the front of a car. She shifted her grip and tried again, failing. "Obviously no super-strength here. This is not a good situation to deal with for vampires and such."

Willow blinked. "You know about vampires and demons?"

"Of course, it is my duty to protect England against the despicable creatures of the night, whatever their form," she replied with a dangerous glint in her eye. She pulled out her gun and checked her load of ammunition. Blessed silver rounds, bathed in holy water. Adequate for one or two monsters, surely. With her free hand she pulled the cigarette from her mouth and tapped the ash off the end.

"We should get off the street. We are exposed here," Xander said, still looking around.

"We can go to a friend's house," Willow said, after looking around. She pointed towards a house.

"How is that going to help us deal with this magic?" Integra asked.

"Um, keep you alive?" Willow replied inanely.

"While laudible, keeps us alive must be secondary for more information," the blonde began.

"Look, Lady, we can plan your little tea party someplace else. Then we can deal with the weird voodoo hoodoo," the Soldier said.

Integra considered that a moment. They were correct. It was not like they had to stay here to plan. "Where?" she demanded of the ghost.

"Oh, right this way." Willow started walking towards Buffy's house. She then explained how to get in using the spare key.

The Master of Monsters looked over the pedestrian home. Television, couches and pictures on the wall. A small mirror was hidden in the clutter. She moved to look into it, verifying what Willow had said earlier. This was not her body. Pictures showed the blonde girl in other outfits with an older woman. She pulled her gaze away from the pictures. She looked over her companions.

"We must figure out who has caused this change, keep ourselves alive and deal with any creatures. Comments?" Integra asked.

"We can't kill children!" Willow said emphatically.

"That goes without saying," the blonde not-slayer-right-this-moment said.

"But the regular vampires are okay," the ghost replied. "So we need non-lethal weapons for the transformed people."

The Soldier rolled his eyes at that. "And where are we supposed to get said weapons?"

"Oh. Buffy's room has some, I think." Willow pointed up the stairs.

Integra and the Soldier shared a quick look. Then they trotted up the stairs. The british monster hunter grabbed a sword from the sharp and pointy collection, sniffing in frustration that it was just a regular sword. Neither silver nor blessed. The Soldier slung his rifle across his back and picked up a bo staff in the corner.

"Aren't swords fairly lethal?" he asked curiously.

"Compared to guns? It takes a bit more effort, usually. You can disable quite a bit more easily. And worse comes to worse, you can hit them in the face with the hilt."

"Doesn't sound too chivalrous," Willow said uncertainly.

"Monsters have no honor. They are to be all destroyed."

Willow opened her mouth, only to be cut off by a scream. Integra had her pistol out and was running down the stairs, the Soldier only a step behind her.

"Wait! Come back!" the now-ghost yelled, following them back outside.

They all rounded a corner to see a girl dressed up as a cat girl, being followed by what looked to be a furry monster.

"Soldier! Scare it off!" Integra ordered, having her pistol out and pointed at the cat-girl.

A few bursts from the automatic weapon had tall and fluffy running for his folicles post-haste.

"Okay, your name is Cordelia, you're not a cat, you're in high school, and we're your friends. Well, sort of," Willow said, babbling her explanation.

"Gee, thanks Buffy! I really appreciate you pointing a weapon at me. Decided to do frumpy and middle-aged?" She whirled towards Willow then. "And you went mental when?"

"You know her?" Integra said, cutting off Willow.

"Of course. Yeah. Lucky me. What's with the name game?"

Integra and the Soldier shared a look.

"A lot's going on," Willow explained.

"No kidding! I was just attacked by Jo-Jo, the Dog-Faced Boy. Look at my costume! Do you really think that Partytown's gonna give me my deposit back? Not on the likely!" Cordelia complained while showing off her torn costume as they walked back into the house.

"Why are you not affected? Why did you not become your costume?" Integra said, interrupting her tirade.

"Excume me? What's with the Giles-accent, anyways?" the cat-girl asked.

That was Angel appeared, walking in from the kitchen. "Oh, thank god you are fine. It's total chaos out there."

Willow barely had time to scream out and throw herself, futely, towards Integra as she pulled out her pistol and fired two shots at the vampire that had just appeared. "No!" the red-head screamed. "He's on our side! He has a soul!"

Integra stared at Angel, where he'd collapsed. The trampy clothed ghost had managed to startle her just enough that she had actually missed what she had aimed for. Only the heart shot had hit at all, and that had merely lodged into his shoulder. Conflicting emotions warred within her. "Then I won't finish him off." She snarled and then turned back to Cordelia.

"What? Not a vampire! Promise!" the girl said under Integra's gaze.

"Obviously. And blatantly you have not turned into your costume. We must understand why, right this instant. What is the difference? We must have been given a talisman of some sort. What mages hate this Buffy, Xander and her so much to inflict costumes that changed us?" Integra said while thinking deeply. She snapped her fingers. "Did you go with us earlier?"

"No, like I said, I went to Party Town with my friends. I think you losers went to that new place, Ethan's. But we always go to Party Town. Janette had seen this darling-"

"Ethan's?" Integra said, looking over at Willow. "And it was new?"

"Er, yes," she replied. She was worried about Angel's wound. It was smoking slightly.

"You will need to take us there. I think we have some questions of Ethan," Integra said. "Are you with me?"

The soldier nodded. "I think you are right."

At Willow's look at the smoking wound, Integra gestured and then said, "Oh, it's just a silver bullet. As it didn't hit his heart, it shouldn't kill him." She looked disdainfully at the vampire. Suddenly, she heard a noise from the kitchen.

The Soldier and Integra shared a quick look. "Is there anyone else with you, vampire?"

Angel winced, even as his arm continued to scream in agony. "No, I was alone."

That was when a typical Halloween costumed Dracula appeared at the door, leering dramatically in his faux tuxedo.

"Damnation. Another costumed fool," she muttered. She snapped a shot of her precious silver bullets just past his ear. "The next shot of blessed silver will go through your heart," she said dangerously. Her eyes were chipped ice, narrowed in pure righteous fury. "Five. Four. Three."

The Dracula decided not to wait and see if he was immune to silver or not. That was one scary woman.

"I think we had better be getting to that costume store. Before more people show up to irritate the lady with the pistol," the Soldier said with a small smile.

"Angel, will you be all right here?" Willow asked.

"Yes. Just... leave me a sharp knife. Damn... this hurts," Angel managed to say.

"Um, I can't touch anything," she said, even as Integra was dragging Cordelia towards the front door. She hurried to follow them.

"Wait! What are you doing?" the cheerleader cried out, struggling a bit.

"Having you guide us to this Ethan's place. Now, please!"


Spike was wary. According to Drusillia, Buffy was not her normal Slayer self. But the little mention that she was both less and yet more dangerous had him a bit worried. He'd grabbed a few goons and then rounded up a few of the mighty small monsters, that were obviously children turned into little monsters somehow.

"Hey, boss? Isn't that the Slayer?" dimwit number one said.

"Of course it is. She must have been affected by the magic, as that isn't her normal outfit. She got a cig?" Spike asked. He turned to his little monster entourage. "Okay, boys! I want you to attack that group in particular! Bill, you follow them in." Spike had decided to watch from the shadows, striking when they were weakened. That goof ball friend of her's was carrying a semi-automatic rifle, after all.

"Righto, boss!" Bill was entertaining dreams of being famous for killing a slayer.

Integra spotted the larger, very pale figure behind the monsters. "Can you keep the costumed away for a few moments?"

The Solider just grunted as he thwacked the nearest kid as lightly as he dared with the bo staff.

"Unclean monsters of the night shall be expunged from this world," Integra said with a flat voice even as she raised her pistol.

Bill just looked confused. Was that supposed to do anything? That little pistol wasn't going to do- His last thought was lost as a blessed silver bullet turned him into ash.

"Amen," she finished.

The little monsters suddenly decided that the scary man and woman were not worth fighting over. Spike just stared aghast. Since when could bullets do that?

Integra turned and shot Spike's last goon as he was trying to skulk off. Three bullets later, he was drifting ashes in the wind.

Spike just froze. No way was he moving and drawing attention to himself. That might not be the Slayer, but she was damned dangerous, whatever she was.

"Now, where is this 'Ethan's' place?" the blonde asked Cordiallia quite casually.

"Right over there!" the cat-girl dressed teenager said, pointing just down the street.

"Why don't we go get Giles? He should be able to figure out how and what to do!" Willow said, but was ignored thoroughly. It seemed everyone wanted to deal with this right now.

The Soldier kicked the door open to the shop, with his rifle ready.

"My, what noisy and nosy neighbors people here in Sunnydale are!" Ethan said from behind the counter.

"Ah, you must be the mage causing all this mayhem," Integra said calmly while lighting a cigarette. "Why?"

"For fun. For chaos!" he said smugly.

"Shoot his kneecap," Integra ordered.

The Soldier immediately complied with a quiet smile, dropping Ethan to the floor in shock and pain.

"Who the hell are you? I certainly didn't make any costumes with you in mind!" the Englishman exclaimed. He clamped a hand on the bleeding wound. "Bloody hell!"

"My name is Integra Wingates Fairbrook Hellsing, charged by my Queen to destroy all monsters," she replied while pulling her pistol from her holster. "The only reason I have not purified your evil from this world is that I need to know how to break your spell, mage."

"Hellsing? As in Von Hellsing, the vampire hunter from that silly Dracula book? You must be kidding!"

"You still have another knee, two wrists, ankles and elbows. I suggest that you tell me now, before I become perturbed," Integra said while tamping the ash off her smoke. "Otherwise, I will have to inflict pain such as you have never imagined upon your broken and bleeding body."

"The statue! Smash the statue of Janus!" Ethan blubbered. He was hoping to provoke a reaction out of Giles, not this demoness in human form. Ripper would just hurt him, not kill him!

"Take him over by the statue," Integra ordered. She started rousting through the shelves. If he was like most occultists, he would have some salt here. Ah, perfect. The Soldier had dragged the store owner over to the statue.

"What are you planning on doing?" Willow asked worriedly.

"I am going to make sure this mage understands that his fun is going to have consequences. That the pain he visited upon unsuspecting customers will be paid back ten-fold. Shoot him if he tries to escape. Somewhere non-vital," she said, even as she poured a circle of salt around the statue of Janus, leaving herself and Ethan within it.

"Now wait a second!" Ethan tried to protest. Drat it, she just blocked his teleport safety spell. She was a spellcaster?

Integra ignored him, even as the Soldier watched him even closer. Then she started chanting in Latin, even as the salt circle started to glow a bright white. The eyes of Janus grew brighter, seemingly in response.

Finally, Integra finished her chant, pulled out her gun and said, "Amen!" as she pulled the trigger and shattered the cheap statue. With a flash of light, everyone wearing the costumes returned to normal.

So it was Buffy that was standing there, holding a toy pistol at the very shattered remains while Ethan screamed on the floor as it looked like he was being beaten.

She looked over at Xander, who was looking pretty perplexed himself. "Someone mind making with the explainy?" she asked.

"Weird English dude cursed everyone to turn into their costumes, ruining everything! You became some psycho-chick with a gun fetish, Xander became obedient soldier boy and Willow turned into a ghost. I got chased by Jo Jo the dogfaced monster and you killed a couple of vampires," Cordelia said helpfully.

"Weird. Halloween is supposed to be this boring day for monsters. Why's he acting like he's being beat up still?" Xander asked.

"Buffy did this weird spell to teach that returned all the pain he inflicted ten fold. I have to say that was pretty cool," she supplied with a smirk.

"I did a spell?" Buffy frowned. Oh, well.

"Well, I don't know about you losers, but I'm going home!"

Buffy and Xander both agreed with that. The Slayer was just walking into her home, ready to crash when she heard a very strange voice say to her, 'Well, this was unexpected. I probably should not have tried to tinker with that Chaos mage's spell.'

"Hello? Is anyone there?" she called out.

'Unfortunately, yes. Let us start with introductions. My name is Integra Wingates Fairbrook Hellsing. And it appears I'm stuck in your mind. Bugger,' a mental, female voice said with more than a hint of anger.

"Oh, shit. Giles is going to kill me!" Buffy exclaimed.