My beta agrees that I am insane, and that this fic proves it. That said, hopefully it will still amuse you. Warning for spoilers from every angst-ridden episode you can think of in either season.
Basically, the boys spend a lot of time in canon and fanon working out personal problems, so I wondered what would happen if they just decided to skip it.
Thanks, as always, to happywritingjoy for encouraging my delusions.
Disclaimer: If I owned them, things would be different. I don't, and they're not.
"I got some info on this spirit. Seems to fit the type of deaths we've been seeing, and these weird letters written by the victims."
"OK, good. What've you got?"
"It sounds like a Nachtgeist. It preys on repressed negative emotions like guilt and fear, twists even the smallest sins you think you've committed and amplifies them until you can't stand it any more. So the victims kill themselves, leaving bizarre little suicide notes apologising for leaving the toilet seat up. That's not supposed to be funny, Dean."
"It's kinda funny. I can see you smiling... Did you just smirk?"
"Fine. That one's funny, in a horribly twisted way. But... uh, I don't think you should... I think you should sit this one out."
"Oh come on, Dean. Repressed guilt and fear? What with you being Mr. My-Dad-sold-his-soul-to-hell-for-me, you might not even get through the door. There's no way you can fight this thing."
"And you'll be better, Mr. I-killed-my-girlfriend-and-a-demon's-after-me."
"I didn't repress that. Much. Anyway... Dad-told-me-to-kill-my-brother."
"You already said that, No-life-but-vengeance-and-hunting."
"Hunters'-most-wanted, too. And the law is definitely after you as well, which leads me to I-lost-all-hope-of-getting-back-to-Stanford-by-taking-out-a-SWAT-team."
"Are you kidding? Like I was going to do a Law course while getting death visions. College is so not my priority right now - it's not even on the list. And it was only two guys, Mr. Life-is-a-meaningless-violent-chaos."
"Everyone-around-me-dies. Direct quote there, Sammy."
"I was drunk. I-had-no-childhood-and-saw-my-Mom-die-horribly."
"I'm-going-to-turn-evil-AND-argued with-my-dying-father. And I had a great childhood. Ass."
"Selfish son of a bitch."
"I can't believe you remembered that."
"I can't believe we're still going with this. Call it a draw?"
"Draw. So. Maybe we could, uh, not do this hunt. Skip it."
"People could die. Not happening."
"I'm with you there. Alternatively... Do you really want to work through all our many issues and become psychologically healthy?"
"Urgh. Apart from the monumental chick-flick factor, I don't honestly think we have that much time. I mean, people don't live that long. Plus, it's depressing me already."
"Or we could get someone else to do it."
"Do you know any hunters free of guilt and fear? 'Cause I can't really think of anyone. Which probably says something deep 'n meaningful about hunting, but who cares."
"Well, there is Gordon. He's insane, but not exactly wracked with moral doubt."
"The guy who wants to kill us?! Of course! He'll be real happy to hear from us and just delighted to help out with our little breathing problem."
"We can pass the word through Ellen. He'll never even know it was from us. Should be able to waste it before anyone else dies."
"And on the bright side, he might not survive."
"That's a little harsh. I'd go for permanently incapacitated, though."
"Heh. There's still a lot I don't like about this plan, but OK. I'll call her tonight."
"Dude, we're so fucked up."
"Yeah. Kinda makes you proud, don't it?"