Just like a pill

It was a smile full of sarcasm she had on her lips when she heard the song.

She had woken up and had decided to turn the radio on when she had found her bed empty.

I'm lying here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun

Of course, she knew that he had to leave. That's the way it had been for a month. But she didn't think she could ever get used to it. So she cried like she had had now nearly every morning for month. But he didn't know about it. She had never been able to bring herself to tell him about how she felt every time she woke up.

When he had come for the first time, he had been drunk. Just like she. They hadn't thought about what changes they would bring to their worlds by having sex. All they had done was follow their instincts. Just like animals.

She had once learned at school that one philosopher had said that reason is the only thing that differentiates the human being from an animal. If that was true, she hadn't used it.

It had been wonderful to sleep with this man. She had never had a better partner in bed. And it truly had been a lot of fun to just do what she wanted to do.

But when she had woken up the next morning, she had thought that it had just been one of those dreams she had from time to time that normally got influenced by too much alcohol and too many thoughts of Jarod.

It hadn't been a dream. That's what she had to realize when she had found a note next to her bed. "Sorry …" was all it had said.

She had decided to forget this had ever happened.

But of course, she hadn't been able to.

And when he had appeared in her living room a few days later, she hadn't denied him what he had wanted. How could she when it was the same thing she had wanted?

I can't stay on your life support,

There's a shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine 'cause it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again

But she's being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta her

She had become addicted to him.

He had often told her that she had smoked too much. - She had quit that.

Sydney had been worried because she had drunken too much. - So she had drunken less and only got drunk when she had had a VERY bad day at the Centre.

But Jarod? He was a lot worse than any other addiction …

She couldn't live without him. And what was even worse: She didn't want to.

But still there were these little moments like the ones in the mornings when she realized how much her life had changed. And she didn't know if she could bare it. It wasn't that she didn't want to be happy. But she thought that she didn't deserve to be happy.

She had talked to Sydney about addiction. He had told her that she was a strong woman and she could overcome every addiction. Well, he might have thought she had talked about the alcohol or something like that. Maybe he had even thought of her sex life 'cause he had once known about her affairs. He didn't know how much her life had changed. Even before Thomas. And of course, he hadn't known that she had talked about his protégé.

If it was just for her addiction to him, she maybe wouldn't be worried so much.

But it was the one consequence neither of them had ever thought about.

Where I can run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of making me better, you keep making me ill
You keep making me ill

She had known that she – somehow – would be able to go on with her life at the Centre. She was a good actress and so she could pretend to everyone there that nothing had changed. That she was still the Ice Queen.

In this, she had succeeded.

So the Centre hadn't been a bigger threat than normally.

But now she just wanted to run away. Run as fast as she could.

Not because she wanted to quit her relationship with Jarod. She had long ago realized that she loved him. And she had even said the words in one of the first nights they had spent together.

But when she had found out about this one "little" change, she didn't know what to do.

There wasn't a plan B because there had never been a plan A for a situation like this one.

When she had told Jarod that he would soon be a father, the smile on his face couldn't have been any bigger. She knew that he would be a wonderful father. And she knew that he would find a way for the two – three – of them to run away from the Centre.

But the one thing she couldn't run away from was that she would be a mother.

She wanted to have this child. She had never thought about abortion.

But she didn't know if she could be a good mother.

And THAT scared the hell out of her …