Disclaimer: Full acknowledgement goes to JK Rowling for all Harry Potter characters, plots, and situations. This is a not-for-profit work of fiction.
Warnings: This will not be a very enjoyable read if you haven't read many Harry/Draco fics before.
This story is 'a parody'/'mock fic'/'crack fic'. In this story, I will be poking fun at fanfiction, the whole H/D fandom, and the plethora of H/D fics out there. Slash fics, Veela fics and all other types of fics are just not safe. Nothing is sacred!
Please, avoid if you are likely to suffer from parody-associated pain and other known side effects (screaming at the computer, heavy frowning, eye-rolling, cursing at author). As if it could get any worse, it's likely to get a bit fluffy by the end too. You have been warned!
A/N: Chapter One was posted before the release of the seventh HP book and thus this story disregards this. HBP is also mostly disregarded but not advertised as such (for no reason other than I wanted to write this in an 'apparently' canon-compliant manner, while in actuality not complying with said HBP-canon in the slightest. Yes, this is me continuing to laugh at the world of fanficton some more.).
When worlds collide
1. If the formula ain't broke, don't fix it
Many theories were floating around Hogwarts (and the fandom) in relation to Draco Malfoy.
Some thought Draco was a Death Eater in-waiting, eager to do Voldemort's bidding. Others viewed him as a victim of circumstance and upbringing. Perhaps not evil as such. Maybe more of a spoilt brat, one with a heart of soft and squishy pink marshmallow, hidden deep inside... just waiting for some 'opportune time' to come out.
-Insert 'Opportune Time' here-
Draco was recently unearthed as a Veela and, true to the formula, this held all kinds of opportunities for hilarity to ensue - not to mention, provided all kinds of opportunities for some serious testing and re-evaluating of his character to take place (because, he was now BEAUTIFUL! And nothing makes you think, 'Perhaps he's not that bad' like a decent body and kick-arse pair of eyes… and some Veela twinkling).
It was year seven and the school year had just begun. The students of Hogwarts had registered Draco's recent transformation with dangerously elevated heart rates and suddenly babbling mouths, as they desperately vied for his affection. Hell's bells! Their once ugly and pointed classmate, Draco, was now nothing short of dazzling!
Draco was sitting with his perfectly shaped face and his perfectly dewy skin and his perfectly toned body and his perfectly soft blond hair looking out into the distance with his perfectly-perfect silver-blue eyes.
He was sitting next to his, randomly chosen best friend for the given story, Blaise Zabini who, for reasons unexplained, cannot be confidently described as a boy, girl, Italian, black, good, evil, friend or foe of Gryffindors, or other-usually-important-details by most members of this fandom. Present company included.
Draco yawned and stretched his arms above his head, unsure whether his hands would hit his Veela wings or not, but then he realised, he was only granted wings in some fics and this may well not be one of them.
As per usual, Draco Malfoy had come to learn of his Veela-ness in the most unlikely of circumstances: when he was at an age where he was free to be sexually active. When he was surrounded by people who 'knew him when', so that they could witness his transformation and begin to look at him with eyes anew and tongues a-wagging (males and females, alike). And, of course, at a time when a certain green-eyed, black-haired wizard was still hanging around in the picture.
Naturally, the Veela awakening had come as a wild shock to Draco who had no idea that he was anything but a pureblood wizard. And, depending on which way you tilt your head, his parents were either: likewise, just as shocked (unaware of the Veela genes in their son), or annoyed as all Hell (should they have known all along and hoped to live in blissful denial for the rest of their lives). I'm yet to come across the third possibility: that his parents knew and were completely fine with the whole matter – happy, even. Let me know if you, on the other hand, have.
Draco sighed wearily. "Blaise? When is something new going to happen? I'm so bored…"
Sure, he'd just become a Veela which was technically new (in this story). But, one might wonder if his desire for newness had more to do with this all too familiar 'spooky' feeling he was experiencing, as if he'd 'been there' and 'done that' a thousand times over.
At that point, in a very non-new fashion, a certain green-eyed character entered stage right.
Now, Harry Potter was not looking at all like the gangly, knee-knocking skinny kid from books one to five. Instead, he'd grown that fair bit taller, as Hermione had shared with us in book six, and was suddenly a lot easier on the eyes, as Hermione had also pointed out in book six.
And, bundled with this information and not yet having our hot little hands on book seven, we can assume (and most of us have) that Harry has conveniently gotten even better looking since year six. We're talking model-worthy. Perhaps even as good as Draco Malfoy, Veela-ness and all.
Because, should this happen to turn into a Harry/Draco slash fic? It just wouldn't do for the two young men to be anything less than painfully hot, or for any one of them to be seriously uglier than the other.
But Harry's recently emerging good looks had not just sprung out of the blue. Occasional hanging out on a magical, self-moving bit-of-wood (i.e. a broom) and only-once-in-a-game stretching out of a few fingers to encase a gold little ball with wings in his hand had, somehow, awarded him with muscles to die for! As in well-defined, solid as a rock, gym-junkie-like muscles.
Sheesh! I should hang out on a broom myself! Stuff that gym membership...
But it wasn't just his height, shape, and broadness that had become unworldly. By year seven, he was sporting an all-over sun-kissed tan, generally purported to have come from spending all that time outside in the sun playing Quidditch (even though he was always, strangely, clothed head to toe in that Quidditch gear whenever he played the sport. Not to mention the fact that he lived in England and Scotland where, quite honestly, the sun 'just don't shine'.).
Draco looked over at Harry, a person he had hated with unyielding intensity since dot... and suddenly noticed the git's eyes, eyes that Draco had seen countless times in his life before (say, like, every bloody school day since he was eleven!) but had for some reason never really recognised their greenness until now.
But Merlin… they were GREEN. They were SO GREEN. How had he never noticed HOW GREEN THEY WERE?
And then, in a moment of literary brilliance, Draco 'let out a breath he never knew he was holding'.
"Hi," said Harry walking over to the two Slytherins whom he had never spoken to in any friendly way in his entire life until this very point in time. For some reason, Malfoy changing into a Veela coincided with all kinds of other changes in Harry too.
Draco stared at those green, green eyes eagerly. THEY WERE SO FUCKING GREEN!
"You have green eyes," Draco said curiously.
Harry paused. "I know that."
"No. They're like really green," Draco continued.
"Yeah. I know."
"No. Like really, really green."
"Again. That's information I know."
Draco frowned looking at Potter and began to pull at his robes a bit to move the fabric away from his overheating body. "Is it hot in here?"
Blaise shrugged. "We're deep inside a stone castle in the Scottish highlands. Although it's still summer outside, it's quite a chilly, rainy day today. They say it might even snow."
"Right." Draco continued staring at Potter intently for a few seconds, sweat gathering across his forehead. "Potter. I have this sudden urge to ask you to speak in Parseltongue… though I'm not exactly sure why... given how I hate you and all…"
Blaise, his gender non-specific friend of indiscernible ethnicity, yawned and said, "It's probably because he's your mate."
Blaise rubbed his/her eyes and then pulled into a full body stretch. "Your mate. You know… now that you're a Veela…"
For some reason, learning that he was not entirely human did not usually result in Draco Malfoy (a wizard who was usually quite studious and well-read) carefully researching the whole Veela-thing until quite late in the piece. Typically, he waited until after he came face-to-face with Harry Potter for the first time since becoming a Veela. And, therefore, after he felt a sudden rush of lust and possessiveness towards his once sworn enemy and found himself wondering where in bleeding Hell that reaction had come from.
Blaise bit into an apple and casually spoke through a mouthful of food. "You know, your mate… now that you're part animal and all."
"Draco! Oh, for the love of--" Blaise reached into his/her bag and retrieved a small glossy information brochure that, for the pure convenience of the author, was located right there within Blaise's reach. "One day you'll learn what being a Veela means. Here, look… Dot point number three. Says that Veela 'mate for life'. And they usually find their mate just by spotting them and suddenly feeling utterly giddy. You're supposed to become completely obsessed with them. That sort of thing."
"Give me a look at that," Draco replied quickly, snatching it from Blaise's hands and finally taking a keen interest in learning what being a Veela entailed. "Oh…" Draco absorbed the information for a few seconds.
"Me? His mate!" Harry finally squeaked.
Blaise shrugged. "Well, he did just waffle on about your eyes for a bit there…"
"Harry. He's hated you for years."
"Yeah, but I've got nice eyes--"
"Yeah, you do. But he's seen your eyes for years, as well."
"Yeah… but… well, I'm a guy!"
Blaise shrugged. "Gender is a wishy-washy thing in this land. Take me for instance."
"Plus, I don't think I've ever come across a hetero Veela fic…"
"Oh, oh!" Draco was now reading dot point number four. "It says here that I'm supposed to have an insatiable sex drive! Heh heh… you lucky sod, Potter!"
Harry did suddenly feel very lucky. But then, on second thoughts, he knew he should probably not feel so lucky so quickly. First he should be outraged… and then he could go right on back to feeling lucky again. "What does this all mean?" Harry Potter turned back to Blaise, fear and anger underlining his words. "What does all of this mean!"
"Well, it probably means you'll have to become lovers and all that. And by the sounds of it, you're probably going to be making like bunnies for the better part of a whole plot. In fact, you could pretty much consider that the plot is just some flimsy smoke screen, there just so gratuitous smut scenes can take place between the two of you."
"Oh fuck…" they both said softly, still trying to come to terms with the news. But, somehow… not entirely turned off by the idea. Not bad, really. Given the whole arch nemesis thing for the past six years. And the Kill Voldemort versus Serve Voldemort debate that normally raged between the two foes. Plus the fact that a pure-blood sleeping with half-blood would be a big 'no-no' for any Mafloy.
Ten points to Slytherin and Gryffindor for embracing change and having such nicely honed adjustment skills!
"Oh yeah and Draco," Blaise continued, filling the role of helpful, informative friend (in Hermione's absence) 'to a T', "this probably means you'll have to convert to the side of light."
"Fuck – why!"
"Because you can't get it on with The Boy Who Lived unless you change sides."
"Shit – really? But that wasn't on the brochure!" Draco growled, his acceptance of Harry Potter as his mate for life and someone that he would definitely like to shag non-stop finally rising to the surface, all at once.
"Too bad. You'll have to change sides anyway," said Blaise. "Right, Harry?"
Draco wasn't the only one having a well-timed epiphany. Harry Potter was looking closely at his arch enemy, suddenly aware of how incredible looking the blonde was, not to mention how gay Harry Potter was also rapidly feeling.
And, Harry also realised at that point in time… Ginny was just a silly little fling that he indulged in just to avoid his obvious gayness. It was obvious, really. Even JKR wouldn't dispute that. Right…? The insane jealousy he'd felt towards Dean when Dean and Ginny were together. The immeasurable joy he experienced when he'd heard Dean and Ginny had finally broken up. The snogging Ginny madly in front of his house mates in the common room without a care in the world for those around him. The hanging out with her like a blissful 'in love' couple for a while there. The painful break-up with her at the funeral. The "these past few months have been the best months of my life" or something comment he'd said to Ginny that day as he tried to not cry. Gay, definitely gay.
And Harry also came to realise… Draco Malfoy may have been a prat all his life, may have lived for the downfall of Harry and his friends, may have supported Voldemort and been a Death Eater in training, etc etc – but Harry was quickly ready to put all of this aside... because of something to do with being a Gryffindor and being, you know - what was it again? - brave - yeah, and honorable, and all of that. And, also, something to do with the Veela mate thing that Blaise had just spoken about. Because, Draco Malfoy, the person he hated up until three minutes ago, couldn't help his overwhelming desire to just shag Harry senseless and pretty much own him. It was outside of the poor guy's control! Given that he was a Veela and all.
And Draco was completely shaggable.
Harry nodded in agreement with Blaise about the need for Draco to reconsider his alliances. "It's true, Draco. If we're going to have some serious sex scenes, I want to make sure I can still look myself in the mirror the next day."
Draco huffed and crossed his arms. "Fine. So, what do we do now?"
"I don't know. I've never been a Veela's mate before. What do you suggest?"
"Well, I have an incredible desire to shag you from here to Azkaban and back. Should we start with that?"
Blaise took this moment to make him/herself scarce. Which was good really, because no more information on the Veela thing was currently required.
"Um, okay," Harry said, now feeling especially hot and clammy at Draco's suggestion.
Draco grinned, sneaking closer to Harry. And then, excitedly, he quickly worked out the mechanics of man-sex in his brain and asked Harry slyly, "So. Do you normally like to be the person who tops or bottoms?"
"Er… dunno. Whatever, really."
"Yeah, well, I've only just realised I'm gay."
Harry shrugged. "It's amazing the effect you have on people."
Draco nodded, accepting the universal truth that Harry had just come to learn.. Veela or not, Draco had probably turned countless males gay before this.
"And besides," Harry continued, "most of these stories are written by heterosexual females with no idea of boy-sex and how the whole top and bottom thing works out in real life … current author included. So, you know, maybe we'll swap around - or find a preference, who knows?"
"You may have a point…"
"How about we just take things as they come and see what happens?"
"Alright. So. Shall we?" Draco's eyes twinkled. He held out an arm, in the hope that Harry would link his with it.
"Yes. Let's!" Harry beamed and linked arms with Draco, just as the blond had hoped.
"Hang on - wait!" Draco cried out, suddenly freezing.
"What!" Harry asked quickly.
"There's not enough tension! We can't just happily shag for the first time without, you know, 'build up' – like, will they or won't they? That sort of thing."
"The readers have to be sitting on the edge of their chairs, just bursting for us to finally do it. And when we do, it should be like we've never wanted anything so badly before. And it must be the most AMAZING sex we've ever had in our lives! Even if we don't have a clue what we're doing! It has to be incredible!"
"Alright then." Harry raised an apprehensive eyebrow. "But, does this mean we don't get to shag yet?"
"Tell me about it," Draco said glumly. "And nice choice of word, Potter." He smiled up at that other wizard.
"Alright, well… I guess we should let the tension building begin."
But Draco grinned devilishly. "So that soon you'll be wanting to tear my clothes off me, wishing you'd never have to walk again--"
"Fuck! Are you sure we can't, you know, get to it now--"
"Not even just a bit?"
"I won't tell anyone--"
"Because I'm definitely feeling some serious tension already and I reckon the readers are too--"
"No! Nice try though. In fact, I'm very impressed, Potter. But, I'm the one who is supposed to do the naughty manipulative seducing in this relationship."
"Oh? Really?" Harry grinned excitedly, like a kid-wizard in a broom shop.
"Yeah. You're supposed to be the sterner, more morally-strong one."
"Alright. What should I do?"
"How about you pretend you hate me still. Push me away a bit. And, I'll develop some cunning plan to wrap you around my finger."
"Okay. How about this? I don't care if you're a Veela or not! You're evil and I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole, Malfoy!"
"Good work! But, er, lay off the references to ten foot poles and that, if you don't mind. I'd rather we save that kind of talk for later, much later."
TBC in Chapter two: What can't a song-in-a-fic do!
A/N: In her review, Nightsummer asked me, "Does this mean you hate fics like that? or are you just making fun of it because, well, it IS ridiculously funny?"
To answer this question, I LOVE fics like that! I just wrote the story because the whole fandom and H/D stories contained within are just plain funny when you stop and think about it.
And, yes, the story was me mostly making fun of MYSELF! - because I already have or intend to include some or MOST of those usual plot twists in my stories as well!
I'd hate for people to get offended when all I wanted was to have a little giggle myself :)
So, don't let this stop you from writing what you are writing!
Be proud of the H/D fics you've created!
Because, I wouldn't know all of the above clichés if I didn't LOVE reading H/D fics - love them to the point where I've read a gazillion of them and still have no desire to stop :)