"M-CHAN! GOD BEEP IT TO (Insert generic bad curse that does not belong in a PG rated story that lasts around two minutes)!"
"A, you know that M-chan can't help it."
"WHY THE CRACK!?" D shrugs and looks at me, which I feign an innocent look,
"Because she is on crack." A cries and I grin,
"I do not own ToA, shall be putting it in the ToS place until there is a ToA place, and warnings include implied AschLuke, GuyLuke, AniseLuke, AniseFlorian, AniseJade, TearLuke, JadeLuke, AschNatalia, NataliaLuke, LukeFlorian and that's about it. Yay for crack implied pairings! Also, SUPAH OOCNESS! GO!"
"Really, that's all?" A sarcastically says, twitching evilly at me and I shrug happily.
"I just really wanted to make this crack fic, forgive me and if this insults those of the ToA fandom, please forgive me. I love crack-fics, silly innocent Luke!"
"You've seem to have forgotten something."
"Oh! Let's just forget everything that happened in the game for this fanfic, okay? Hahaha! Also let's just pretend that they all live in the Fabre manor just for this fanfic, there you go, using your imagination!" A continues to cry and D just pats her on the back.

What's a Kiss?

"Asch, what's a kiss?" Asch, one of the mighty six god generals, one who was trained to be prepared for any harsh setting of the world, one who had lived seven years of training hell and having to live with headaches of a constant stupid Lorelei who could only give patched versions of a conversation was definitely not prepared for that very random question. In fact, at the time, Asch had been drinking something, something very nice too, until he ended up gagging up on it and forcing himself to spit it out just so he wouldn't choke.

"WHAT!?" Asch demanded immediately after regaining himself, looking over at the short-haired counterpart of himself (though he hated admitting that). Luke seemed to give him an embarrassed frown and played with the balls of his toes.

"Tear wants me to kiss her, but...I don't know what that is." Luke admitted in a very embarrassed way, already arguing with himself on why he had gone to Asch first. Guy would have been a more suitable choice, since Asch would more then likely pose an argument. Asch couldn't help but stare, what else could he do? His stupid replica was being stupid and was being a seven-year-old who had little knowledge of the happy go lucky time of the sexual world. Then again, Asch recalled his mother's protective tendencies, Asch then counted his blessings that Luke at least knew the basic language to refer to certain anatomy parts of the human body. But to not know what a kiss was? Asch was going to have to have a long embarrassing talk with his mother.

"W-Why are you asking me, reject?" There, that should take Luke off of him! Luke would stop asking such a stupid question, they'd argue and Asch could be on his happily merry way...only this time induced with stupid fantasies of a stupid Luke. DAMN HIS STUPID UKE (1) LOOKING REPLICA!

"Because Natalia's always talking about doing it with you! I'd thought you would know!" Luke hotly replied back, glaring at his original with an infuriated blush on his face. Asch felt himself twitch a little with a terrible urge to hide the upcoming blush that was trying to find its way to his face. Natalia? That...That infuriating, beautiful, stubborn...So she was probably trying to give others a hint so Asch would learn that Natalia was definitely ready for a more serious relationship. ARGH, HE SHOULDN'T BE DEALING WITH THIS RIGHT NOW! His mind was too confuddled, stupid Luke and his stupid conversations! Silly Natalia and her weird ways! Asch growled and stomped off, leaving a pouting Luke who still had no idea what a kiss was. So Luke went to his second, though should have been his first choice, Guy.

"Guy, what's a kiss?" Guy had jumped up, which was a bad thing to do since gravity liked you obeying its laws and fell unto a maid that he had been talking to earlier on the certain troublesome project of cleaning Luke (and now Asch's) room. The maid blushed happily and Guy still jumped up and hid behind Luke, feeling the lingering doubts in his body to even touch the female population. However the maid didn't seem turned off and just waved Guy off, giggling happily to tell the other maids her experience. Now that was finished, Luke looked over to Guy with the serious look that one would not expect for the definition of a kiss.

"A...kiss?" Guy asked, blinking in a somewhat innocent manner though not as innocent as Luke who was still confused on his quest.

"Yeah, Tear wants one...so I...need to know what it is." Why did Luke sound extremely suggestive at the end of that sentence? Then again, maybe it was just Guy's overactive imagination working again, oh the curse of a brilliant mind (even if he did not say so himself). Guy found himself blushing despite his imagination though, so he needed to know what a kiss was? Guy then wondered why Luke had never asked that question when Guy would come over to Luke's part of the manor and talk about tales of fire breathing dragons and rescuing damsels in distress with a kiss. Guy then remembered the old Luke and nodded, no way would anyone that stubborn ask a question about what he thought was a simple thing, and kiss really was simple, wasn't it? Guy coughed and looked away for a second,

"Tear wants one, huh?" Of course, for Tear. Guy liked Luke to be happy, and if he was going to be happy with Tear, then so be it, but that didn't stop Guy from having his heart rush a little at the thought of getting Luke's first kiss. Why had he have to be an idiot and wait until now? So many late times in his bedroom...AUGH! NO! NONONONONO! Guy then looked around, feeling a glare temper run down his back, but he couldn't quite get who it was.

"Yeah, so can you tell me what it is Guy?" Guy really could not shake that feeling, as though someone wanted to kill him just for taking about this subject with Luke. Guy then faced Luke with hopeful dreams and a smooth suave look that he knew worked on ladies (though if he ever told Luke that, Luke would probably kill him) and closed his eyes to lean down to show Luke what a kiss was.

Only to find that Luke had disappeared.

Immediately Guy started to panic, oh no! Was it hyperressonance again? DAMN THAT EVIL FORCE OF MATTER REARRANGING POWER! Guy then forced himself to calm down and start with what he could do, and that was run around the Fabre mansion looking for the adorable red-head.

However that mission, even as admirable as it, was...sorta pointless. Anise smiled at Luke with a look of contemplation. Anise then looked over to Florian, who gave her a bright beaming smile back and looked between the two. Anise understood why Florian was innocent, because the boy was barely even close to a year old, but Luke? Anise inwardly thought it was cute, but now was not the time or place to say it was cute. Now was the time for education!

"So Luke," Anise started, her face going into her mischievous nature, "I heard that you need to learn what a kiss is." Luke was positive he was going to learn what it was from Guy (even if he was acting a little strange) until Anise kidnapped him. Ah, but qué sera, qué sera (2), if Anise wanted to tell him what a kiss was, then let her. So Luke nodded and Anise gave an evil smile, these two could benefit from each other.

"I know what a kiss is!" Florian volunteered and Anise felt a little quiver in the beats of her heart drum. What? How did Florian know what a kiss was? Anise then started plotting revenge on whoever had stolen Florian's name (3) when Florian grabbed Luke's hand and laid his lips on it. Luke blinked then looked at his hand, oh, was that it?

"Oh I see!" Luke said in an excited motion, "I'm used to getting kisses all the time!"

"Me too!" Florian happily replied back and Anise felt her head hit concrete wall at the cute ridiculousness of it all. Ugh, their innocence was overly beaming and starting to get annoying, but Anise found that she didn't mind it.

"That's not what a kiss is!" Anise then interrupted after regaining what sense she could from an almost traumatic thunk to that connected her skull to the wall. Well, it was a kiss, but not certainly the kind of kiss that Tear would want! ...Or would she? Tear was a very odd woman. Luke and Florian seemed to be a little disheartened by it but then the two turned their bright eyes against Anise,

"What is a kiss then?" Anise felt her heart clench at the beaming bright green eyes. AUGH! NO! They're not supposed to use their cuteness factor to gain the benefit of the battle, only she was allowed to do that! Why Anise was referring that as a battle field, even she did not know, and she probably wouldn't until the day she was a dreary old woman rocking back and forth with Florian rocking back to her beat.

"A kiss is-" Anise then trailed off...wait! She wasn't ready herself to give this kind of explanation! What if Luke and Florian needed a demonstration? Anise didn't want her first kiss to be taken without any money involved in it, because she was pretty positive that those things were valuable! Anise then stared at the two who still wanted to know the answer. "Is...something that only adults know." Anise finished dully, wanting to say more but couldn't think of anything from the top of her head. Florian and Luke became extremely downcast at this piece of news and Anise felt a little sorry for the two of them. "Luke, why don't you try asking someone else?" Luke nodded, sighing and walking away when Florian tried to follow him but Anise would not let him.

So Luke's quest continued, wonderful yet curseful thing about the Fabre mansion, it was huge but was limited to where one could be. So Luke soon found Natalia and smiled, surely Natalia would be able to tell him! Though Luke had to admit that Natalia was the last person he wanted to go to for this sort of information, but beggar's shouldn't be hamburgers...or was that something else? Luke then shook his head, not bothering to care.

"Natalia!" Luke addressed the princess and she turned to Luke, giving a soft-smile.

"Hello Luke, how are you doing?" Luke was thrown off by that question for a second then gave the girl a nod and a smile,

"Good, I just wanted to ask you-"

"So has Asch heard that I want a kiss?" Want? Natalia wanted a kiss? Luke had thought he had heard that the girl and Asch had already kissed. Oh! So that meant that Asch didn't know what it was either and he didn't want to admit it! Ah, poor Asch, Luke would have to apologize later to his better half ("SHUT UP, YOU STUPID REPLICA!").

"Uh...yeah I guess...but I'm not sure if he knows what it is." Natalia blinked and rose an eyebrow to Luke in a questioning nature,


"I said, I'm not sure what a kiss is, so I can't really tell him to give you one!" Luke quickly covered up his mistake, not wanting to get the irate Asch on his back.

"Oh..." Natalia seemed shocked that he didn't know what a kiss was; then again, everyone seemed shocked that Luke didn't know what a kiss was. This was getting to be incredibly troublesome, and why couldn't Luke just get a normal answer!? Was a kiss really that complicated? Then again, from what Luke had heard of kisses from fairy tales, they had the power to resurrect dead princess and other powerful stuff, so Luke supposed it made sense that it took awhile to explain what a kiss was. Luke then wondered why Natalia would want a kiss; after all, she wasn't dead or in desperate need of any particular power or something to that effect. Natalia fumbled with how to answer Luke. She knew that Luke didn't know much because of the seven years of his life buried within the Fabre mansion constricted only to what his tutors taught him, but to not know what a kiss was seemed...well...rather dumb. However she really didn't know what to say because Luke seemed too cute at the moment, so she opened her mouth and asked, "Have you asked Asch?"

"Yeah," Luke seemed to pause for a second, thinking carefully on his words, "But he stomped off like he usually does." Well it was the truth but Luke sort of felt like he was lying at the same time. Natalia nodded, understanding how easily tempered Asch was and for a simple question like this, one could get a little annoyed. At least, that was Natalia's understanding. Natalia then folded her arms, staring at Luke silently. How was she going to do this?

"Well Luke, a kiss is-" Oh, was he finally going to find out? It was about time! "something that should be taught to you by someone else." Luke groaned, of course! No one was simply going to answer him! Luke hoped whenever he got the answer it would be worth all of this trouble! Luke then frowned with a sudden thought process that Natalia probably didn't know what a kiss was either, which was why she wanted Asch to give it to her. Luke felt sympathy for the blonde princess, too bad she probably wasn't going to get it any time soon. Luke then decided in his mind that he would help Asch as soon as he learned what the meaning was!

"Fine, I'll go ask Jade." Well...Jade was the only one left, and now that Luke thought about it, Jade would most likely know what a kiss was. One he was an adult like Anise said you needed to be to know what a kiss was, second he was Jade, Jade knew everything, and if he was unsure about something he would directly comment, "I'd prefer not commenting at this time" and later would do research to find out the truth and explain everything in a certain amount of knowledge, Luke would feel like he understood part of it himself. Luke almost hit himself for not thinking of going to Jade in the first place. Natalia watched as Luke marched off and stared blankly as a group ninjaed (4) their way after Luke. Natalia had joined them, recognizing them as Asch, Guy, Anise, and Florian.

Luke soon found Jade, who was oddly standing in the middle of the path, just staring at the ground with a look that was too concentrated for Jade. At Luke's approach, Jade looked up and his normal plain face of a plain smile lay on his face to resume his odd soldier stance. "Jade!" Luke yelled, walking to the path and staring up at Jade as he prepared himself for his mind to accept any explanation Jade gave. The group behind Luke stared, all of them crowded behind a wall to stare at the two. "I need you to answer a question for me." Asch, Guy, Anise, and Natalia couldn't help but feel fear crawl deep from the back of their spine at the thought of what Jade could do. Jade was honest to a fault, even if it didn't seem like it most of the time because you couldn't read the man's tones or anything.

"Hm?" Jade acknowledged Luke, his smile still on his face. Luke nodded at this and started talking,

"I tried asking everyone else first, Asch doesn't know what it is," Asch twitched, where the hell did his stupid replica get the idea that he didn't know what a kiss was!? "Then I tried to ask Guy but Anise took me just to tell me she didn't know what a kiss was either," Anise frowned at this, looking away as Guy gave her a sharp glare. "Florian thought he knew what it was, but Anise told us that it wasn't, then I tried Natalia but she doesn't know either and she's expecting Asch to know!" Natalia found herself blushing at that awkward moment. But it would be uncomely of her, wouldn't it? Anise stared as Asch and Natalia deliberately looked away from each other and Anise could feel annoyance building up, especially when Florian seemed to be in sparkly mode because he was also hearing all of this. "So I want to know, what's a kiss?"

HE ASKED! The group's minds shouted at them on the top of their mind.

"Oh, is that all you want to know?" Jade asked, having the typical face of what it could be amusement on the man's face.

HE'S GOING TO ANSWER! The unrestless minds of the group yelled and screamed and shrieked in fear and excitement at the same time, not knowing what Jade was going to do. Jade then looked up as Luke nodded very happily, Jade's glasses hiding his eyes for a moment as he went into a quick contemplation mode.

Not my colonel! Anise yelled, trying not to speak out loud, especially since she was on Florian at the moment, using the innocent boy as leverage to see more of the scene across from them. Jade then looked down, his eyes showing again and grabbed Luke's chin and gave the boy a light kiss on the cheek.

HE DID IT! Everyone seemed to want to shout, either from anger or shock. However it took a few seconds for all of them to realize that Jade had not done it to Luke's lips, just to his cheek.

"Though I expect Tear will want one on the lips, but that's what a kiss basically is." Jade commented, very much like a teacher teaching a child a simple algebra problem. Luke blinked then rubbed his cheek then nodded,

"So that's it."


DID HE KNOW!? They all thought as Luke and Jade simply nodded their way and Luke went off to find Tear to give the girl what she wanted. All of that...was just...what was the point of this whole thing? Everyone jumped up a little though as Jade looked over their way and seemed to be giving his laughing smile. THE BASTARD KNEW! Asch felt very revengeful, but knew better then to try to get any of Jade. Guy felt annoyed, Anise sighed as Florian asked if he could try it on her out of curiosity and Natalia just stared at Asch expecting the red-head to look back at her and do something.

So they all broke up and went back to what they were doing, not bothering to mention what had happened, as they did not all want to be insulted for it and it was such a troublesome thing. It wasn't until a week later when Luke came back to Asch, who was drinking something at the time.

"Asch, do you know how I could get better at kisses?"


"Yay for crack-fics!"
"That was a very odd one-shot."
"Hahaha! Yup! Anyway, translation list and I hope you liked and giggled at miscellaneous parts. Hope you liked enough to review too!"

Stuff to know
(1)Uke: Bottom in boy/boy relationships. Short-hair Luke is incredibly uke looking.
(2)Qué sera, Qué sera: What will be, will be.
(3)Florian: Means innocence, it's a play on words, hahaha.
(4)Ninjaed: Not a real word, but it means to ninja, which basically means to be able to sneak and hide fast.