I Never

Part II: I Never Was Afraid of Something so Simple

Tai turned on the hot shower, letting himself get lost in the steam as the hot water drops pounded down on his nude back. He hated himself for last night, for letting the drink knock down his guard, for letting Matt sleep against him, for practically admitting he was in love with the blonde boy. Of course it was a lie, it was the drink talking, or so he told himself once more. He couldn't be in love with Matt, and Matt wasn't in love with him. Last time he checked, they were both guys, and that was wrong, wasn't it? It was all down to teenage hormones and illegal intoxication. At least that's what he kept trying to convince himself.

"Plus, imagine what it would do to my reputation," He spoke aloud to himself, just to try and persuade himself further, "And besides, it's totally fine being best friends, but we're too different to be… lovers," he uttered, always trying to come up with new excuses. No, he was definitely not in love, he concluded, and he'd set it straight as soon as he could. As he stepped out of the shower and began to dry off, however, he felt a tug at his heart and something inside him was longing to feel Matt curled up in his arms once more.


After finishing brushing his teeth and getting dressed, Tai wandered back downstairs and into the kitchen feeling refreshed and less hung over, only to find Matt looking up at him with stressed and tired blue eyes. Tai threw him an unreadable look and strode over to the seat opposite at him, taking a small sip from his glass of orange juice and fingering his now cold toast.

"Listen, Tai. I know you're going to blow up over all of this but before you do, I figure its time you knew the truth. Every word I said or agreed to last night, I meant it. I really did," Matt almost whispered. Tai glared at him, amazed at what had been said. When he was sober, Matt rarely did emotion.

"Yeah? Well you know what, Matt? I didn't! Jesus, I'm not gay! I certainly never wanted that or anything else to happen between us!" He yelled before taking a sip of the orange juice and slamming the glass back down on the marble surface.

"I'd guessed that's what you'd say," Matt sighed calmly, with a look so cold it sent shivers down Tai's back.

"Good. We're friends Matt! Friends! Friends don't fall in love and kiss and fall asleep together like that! It was a one-off and it will never happen again! I don't care what you say you feel for me there is nothing between us!" Tai ranted, "And I'd appreciate it if you never told anyone else about it,"

"Right," Matt continued in the monotonous cold voice but inside he was summoning all the courage he had to get this over with, "Of course you realise you're lying, right?"

"What? Matt, I am not lying. I don't care what you think you feel, we're both boys, and as far as I'm concerned, last night was completely alcohol induced and a big mistake!"

"Oh chill out, Tai. You're acting like we had sex or something! You can carry on pretending last night meant nothing but you forget something Tai, I know you! I know from experience you say nothing but the truth when you're drunk! And I know you wouldn't lie to me like that! And I also know I haven't been imagining those looks you shoot me that say you feel the same! And guess what, I know you're completely reputation centred! Now I completely understand you're scared but sheesh, Tai, get over yourself! You're just too concerned about what other people think! Maybe you need to grow up and accept who you really are!" Matt yelled and strode out of the room, shocked at his own outburst. He walked into the lounge, grabbing his bag and pushed open the front door, striding out onto the quiet street lit gently by the early Sunday morning sun, leaving a shaken Tai sitting confused in the kitchen.


What Matt had said really struck a chord with Tai, now he was confused, torn between two parts of his mind. Part of him was screaming that Matt was right, that all Tai cared about was his reputation, the same part knew he really did mean all he had said last night, he'd been fighting it for too long, but he did love Matt. The other part retaliated, trying to come up with any excuse he could, just to salvage his reputation, be it hormones, alcohol or just the fact that they were two guys.

He slowly finished off his cold, stale breakfast, feeling it cure his hangover. His mind carried on bitching and niggling at itself until the first part finally won. He sagged back into his chair. He was in love with Matt, there was no denying that, and Matt loved him too, but where on earth did they go from there? Would Matt hate him now for denying it, for yelling at him?

He stood up slowly, walked into the hall where he pulled on a jacket, then strode quietly out of the house.


Matt took his time walking home. Home, in fact was the last place he wanted to be. It was always too quiet and weary on a Sunday morning, at least outside he'd have the background noise of the city passing by to drown out the thoughts of his best friend. After leaving Tai's house he'd begun to doubt what he'd said to Tai, and now he didn't believe it at all. No doubt Tai hated him for it, just like he hated himself for letting go of his feelings. There was a reason he was normally so cold and emotionless, and this was exactly it. He walked slowly through his detour of the park, choosing to stop at a large oak that cast gentle shade and protection from the sun on the ground beneath it. He stepped into the shade and leant back against the trunk of the tree, staring into the lake mere feet away. He smiled softly at the memories he recovered from that spot. It happened to be one of his frequent hang-outs, with anyone, with his band, with his friends, with Tai. He sighed softly, taking out his MP3 player, pressing the headphones into his ears and pushing the play button, letting the music soothe his confusion.


Tai strode forcefully through the winding streets, not really sure where he was headed. He was angry at himself, angry at Matt, angry at the world. He hadn't asked to feel this way about his best friend, and he hated the world for it. At least Matt felt the same though; it could have been hell if it was just him. Tai frowned to himself as he mindlessly walked through the park gates, wondering if, after his silly outburst, Matt did still feel the same. He wondered where Matt was now, how he was feeling, but that didn't make him feel any better and so, he switched on his personal CD player, letting the music soothe his anger.

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong,
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy,

And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen,
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in,

May God's love be with you,

Matt sighed once more, leaning against the tree trunk. He found himself wishing last night had never happened, that he'd never got drunk around Tai, that he'd never even fallen for him. Everything had been fine yesterday, how come it can take just a few hours to mess up an entire relationship? He slid down the tree trunk until he was kneeling gently on the floor as a lone tear escaped his eye. Tai was everything he wanted; he just wanted him to feel the same, was that too much to ask? Surely he hadn't imagined all those looks him and Tai had shared, but how could he be sure he hadn't just been hopefully imagining them, just been looking for something to believe in?

May God's love be with you…

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes,
'Cause when you showed me myself, you know, I became someone else…

Tai meandered slowly through the park, taking his frustration out on the paving stones and grass with his feet. He contemplated phoning Matt, but decided there'd be no point. If he was going to apologise, he'd make himself grovel to Matt's face. Matt deserved that at least. Matt deserved everything Tai could try and give him, including a change for the better. After what Matt had said, Tai knew he really had to change. Screw his popularity and soccer friends, all that mattered anymore was being true to himself and Matt. As he wandered past the lake and the trees where he so often hung out, he looked up from his scuffing shoes and caught sight of a blonde boy kneeling underneath the largest oak.

But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need,
I picture you fast asleep,
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

Matt watched as the brunette boy hesitantly walked towards him. He drew in his breath and stood up, pulling his headphones out of his ears as Tai did the same. Matt was all ready for another argument until Tai came closer and he saw a few stray tears trickling down his cheeks, now all Matt wanted was to be asleep in Tai's arms again, away from this nightmare.

May God's love be with you
May God's love be with you

"Matt," Tai whispered as he closed the space between them.

Matt rubbed the stray tears away from Tai's cheeks and waited for the soccer player to continue.

"I'm so sorry," Tai choked out, and just by the guilt and love radiating from his large eyes, Matt knew he meant it.

'Cause if I find,
If I find my own way,
How much will I find?
If I find,
If I find my own way,
How much will I find?

Tai stopped, taking a deep breath before continuing. There was no clichéd way to do this, no rules, no guidance, and no way he could do it without ruining his reputation. He had to find his own way this time, not follow the footsteps of the other kids at school, and just hope that at the end, Matt would be there for him, accepting his apology and returning his love.

I'll find you…

"I didn't mean it, not a word of it," Tai continued.

"I know, I know," Matt smiled, wrapping his arms around the toned brunette's body.

"I never ever wanted to hurt you," Tai admitted calmly, returning the hug, and this time there was nothing for him to drink to hint he was lying, "I love you,"

"I love you too," Matt whispered, making Tai's heart light up.

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand?

A sharp exhale of air escaped Tai's lips, shooting into the embrace. Matt pulled away to look at the other boys face.

"What's wrong?" The musician uttered.

"I never thought it would be like this. I just, don't know what to expect. Everything changes from here on in, doesn't it?"

'Cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need,
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

"Yeah, everything changes. Tai, believe it or not, I'm no expert at this either, I don't know what to expect, but we can face this together. That's the point of it all isn't it?" Matt philosophised, albeit briefly.

Tai nodded in response, as a smile graced his soft red lips.

"Good," Pale lips whispered, before attaching themselves to the opposite red ones in a brave kiss. Together, the boys tasted heaven, and it never felt better.

May God's love be with you
May God's love be with you…


Two boys stood romantically entwined beneath a tall oak that shaded them from the Sunday morning sun. They were best friends, though you wouldn't think it to look at them. Now they were much, much more.

The End

Cheesy much? Whay, check the parallelism at the end there linking it with the start of part I.

Song is In The Sun by Joseph Arthur, which I do not own, as do I not own Digimon. I could own Matt and Tai, in fact they're locked away in that wardrobe in my brain... I don't actually own THEM though.

Dirty Little Secret sequel is up by the way, considering I mentioned it last chapter.

Um yes, hope you enjoyed, and reviews are especially appreciated.

-- Even Gods Dream, 2007