Coming of Age
Disclaimer: Beavis and Butt-head belong to Mike Judge and MTV. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that this is only fanfiction.
Author's Note: I figured that since time passed by in Daria's show, time must have also gone by in the world of Beavis and Butt-head. This story will be based on my interpretations as to what happened to the duo when they're faced with graduation and a life after high school. Think of this as a special coming-of-age story for Beavis and Butt-head who are faced with even greater challenges into adulthood. Huh huh huh… I said adulthood.
Act I – The Future is Forsaken
"Class," Van Driessen wiped a tear from his eye. "I'm so very proud of you."
"Uh, huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Van Driessen's a wuss!"
"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis agreed. "He needs to, like, stop crying and be a man or something."
"I've been accustomed to your faces for the past four years," Van Driessen continued. "But now the time has come for you to face the final test of manhood and womanhood!"
"Uh… Beavis failed that test!" Butt-head interrupted. "He doesn't count!"
"In just a few days, your graduation will be for real," Van Driessen sniffed. "I can't believe it's coming so soon."
"Yeah!" Beavis smiled. "We're finally gonna graduate!"
"This is the greatest moment of my life," Butt-head said silently. "Who knows what strange and wondrous things await us in our lives after school."
"Chicks!" Beavis slammed his hands on his desk. "There's gonna be tons of chicks!"
"Yeah, for me!" Butt-head told his blonde companion. "You're still never gonna get any!"
"Oh yeah?" Beavis shot back. "Well you haven't gotten any either!"
"Boys, I'd like to talk with the two of you after class," Van Driessen looked up.
"Look what you did, butthole!" Beavis glared at Butt-head. "Now Van Driessen's gonna make us stay after class!"
"Aw, don't worry about it guys," Stewart told them. "I'm sure he just wants to help."
"Who asked you, Stewart?" Butt-head grimaced.
It was at that moment that the bell rang, releasing all the students from class, excluding Beavis and Butt-head. Van Driessen walked over to the two with a touch of concern in his eyes.
"Beavis, Butt-head," Van Driessen began. "Right now, I'm very concerned about your futures."
"Uh, you don't need to, like, worry, dude," Butt-head reassured his hippie teacher. "We're gonna, like, get rich or something."
"Butt-head, that's exactly the problem," Van Driessen sighed. "I don't think you and Beavis will be equipped with the proper life skills to face the world after you graduate."
"Um, what are life skills?" Beavis asked.
"The expertise required for you to function as contributive members of society," Van Driessen explained. "Right now, the two of you don't have the necessary people skills to obtain a better job for yourselves. You barely passed the AP classes you were in with me."
"Uh, we can just live off Beavis's mom," remarked Butt-head. "She, like, makes enough money from her night shift."
"Hmm, interesting," Van Driessen nodded. "What does your mom do, Beavis?"
"Beavis's mom is a slut!" Butt-head answered before Beavis could.
"Oh my…" Van Driessen whispered. "Beavis, how often do you see your mother?"
"Um…" Beavis scratched his head. "I dunno."
"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head chuckled. "Van Driessen wants to make out with your mom!"
"No, no," Van Driessen shook his head. "That's not what I was getting at."
"Huh huh huh huh huh!" Butt-head continued laughing. "Better tell your mom Woodstock's back in town!"
"Guys," Van Driessen pleaded. "Don't you two have any plans for college?"
"Uh yeah," Beavis replied. "We wanna go to Harvard!"
"Beavis, with the kind of grades you've made, I don't think you'll be able to make it in," Van Driessen said truthfully. "Besides, have either of your turned in any applications to local colleges?'
"Uh, applications?" Butt-head raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, applications," Van Driessen sighed. "You're normally required to send in applications to your colleges of choice along with at least two teacher's recommendations and your academic transcripts."
"No way!" Butt-head protested. "We don't want to do paperwork! Uh, huh huh huh!"
"Yeah, paperwork sucks!" Beavis agreed. "Heh heh heh!"
Van Driessen looked at the time. As much as he would have liked to stay and continue talking with his two students, he had to let them go or else they'd be late for their next class. With a heavy heart, he sighed and decided to do what was best under the circumstances.
"Tell you what," Van Driessen promised. "I'm willing to write you two a letter of recommendation for the colleges of your choice. Just come by after summer is over and I'll see what I can do."
"Hi guys," Dean gestured for Beavis and Butt-head to join him at the table. "Are you going to Kimberly's party?"
Dean was sitting with Stewart and Cassandra. Together, the three of them had been hanging out ever since their Junior year. Their personalities complemented each other perfectly as far as Beavis and Butt-head were concerned. However, because Butt-head had long wanted to get into Cassandra's pants, he and Beavis put up with hanging around Stewart's group.
"Kimberly's having a party?" Beavis scratched his head. "How come we didn't know that?"
"That's strange," Stewart commented. "She told everyone at school."
All things considered, Butt-head wanted to get into Kimberly's pants far more than he did Cassandra's. Beavis was also in the same boat.
"Uh, let's go ask her or something," Butt-head recommended. "Uh, huh huh huh!"
"Okay," Beavis agreed.
"Where do you plan to go after high school is over?" Cassandra asked.
"Uh… we're going to college," Butt-head answered nonchalantly.
"Cool," Dean exclaimed. "Where at?"
"We're going to Harvard!" Beavis cried. "Heh heh heh…"
"Beavis, you butthole!" Butt-head smacked his blonde companion. "Harvard's got too much homework! We're going to that other place!"
"What other place?" asked Stewart. "Princeton? Yale?"
"Uh, yeah," Butt-head replied. "We're going to Princeton."
"Whoa, that's so cool, guys!" Stewart smiled. "I bet you're going to get a really good education there!"
"Yeah," Beavis chuckled. "We're gonna score in college! Heh heh heh heh!"
"Just ignore Beavis," Butt-head recommended. "He's never gonna score!"
"Shut up, Butt-head!"
"Beavis, just because your mom does it all the time doesn't mean you're going to! Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"
"I'll kick your ass if you don't shut up!"
"WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"
"Uh oh," Butt-head whispered. "It's Buzzcut!"
"Starting a fight in a school cafeteria?" Buzzcut demanded. "I want to see you two in the Principal's office right now!"
"You know something?" Principal McVicker downed the last of his pills. "I've been meaning to have this talk with you for a long time! Uhhhhh!"
"Check it out, Beavis!" Butt-head pointed out. "McVicker's only got one hair left! Uh huh huh huh!"
"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis laughed. "He's almost bald now!"
"And it's all thanks to you little bastards!" McVicker accused. "You're the one who did this to me!"
"Uh, don't blame us just 'cause you're old!" Butt-head retorted.
"Yeah," Beavis concurred. "Maybe if you'd spent, like, more time teaching instead of drinking, you'd, like, feel better or something."
"You shut your mouth!" McVicker ordered. "Don't you dare backtalk your Principal!"
"Hey Beavis," Butt-head turned his head. "He wants to see your back!"
"No way!" Beavis protested. "If he tries to touch my backside, I'll kick him in the old saggy nads!"
"Oh dear God…" McVicker groaned. "How did I ever end up with students like these into my old age?"
"Uh huh huh huh!" Butt-head chuckled. "You're old…"
"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis laughed. "He's gonna need those diapers for old people pretty soon!"
Principal McVicker's breathing deepened. After inhaling and exhaling several times, he seemed to visibly relax. All four years of having to deal with Beavis and Butt-head had taken their toll on him. The gray hair on his head had disappeared completely by the end of their senior year. His nerves were more wracked than ever and it didn't help either that his voice sounded even more strained than before.
"You know what?" McVicker finally said. "It's alright really."
"Uh, yeah," Butt-head added. "We're gonna score in college!"
"In only a few days you'll graduate and leave Highland High for good!" McVicker rasped. "I've been waiting for this day since you two set foot in my halls!"
"Yeah, we're gonna graduate!" Butt-head reinforced. "Huh huh huh!"
"We're finally gonna leave this dump for good!" Beavis cackled. "Heh heh heh m heh!"
"Normally, students who do this bad have to stay and repeat their grades," McVicker explained. "But I'm making an exception for you two considering I want to get you little bastards the hell out of my school for good!"
"High school really sucked!" Butt-head remarked. "It's, like, McVicker's always making it suck!"
"Yeah, and Buzzcut too!" Beavis interjected.
"G-Get the hell out of my office, NOW!" McVicker howled. "Uhhhhh! Uhhhhhhh!"
As soon as school was over, Beavis and Butt-head found themselves back where they had spent their entire lives, right back home watching TV.
"Things have changed, Beavis," Butt-head stated. "Things have changed."
"Yeah," Beavis agreed. "Todd's still not out of jail yet."
"And these new music videos suck!"
"Who the hell are these people? This sucks, Butt-head! Change it!"
After flipping through several channels, Butt-head settled on a news interview being conducted between Betsy Wiener and what appeared to be Gus Baker.
"Do we know this guy?" Beavis squinted his eyes.
"Uh, I think you showed this guy your butt before!" Butt-head replied.
"Whoa, heh heh! Cool!"
"And how, may I ask, will your new bid for power turn out?" Betsy Wiener asked.
"First of all, Betsy," Gus Baker answered. "There is no insincere bid for anything. Years ago, when my talk-show program was ruined by two hoodlums, I had to undergo a spiritual discovery of faith to regain my morality."
"But some people are already muttering," Betsy countered. "That your new image is just a farce to garner grassroot support amongst an audience you once lost."
"And I can assure you it is not!" Baker countered. "America is a nation known for giving people second chances. When I first got those two boys onto my show, I had no idea how they'd turn out. Judging from what they had said before, I was fooled into believing that they were nice, morally sound kids. But that was all in the past. What I wish to do is concentrate on this great country's future!"
"Uh, what's this dude talking about?" Butt-head scratched his side.
"I think he's talking about your mom, heh heh heh!"
"Shut up, dillweed!"
"I bet this guy made out with your mom!"
"Yup, heh heh heh!"
"Now that our interview is coming to an end," Betsy Wiener concluded. "Is there anything else you'd like to say to our audience? Any final words?"
"As a matter of fact, there is something I'd like to say," Gus Baker puffed his chest out. "To the youth of America, I say to you right now… your immoral and indecent ways will come to an end! Enjoy your music videos and your skimpy clothing while you can! Once my boys in Congress realize how much of a mockery to common decency you are, they'll do everything in their power to draft a bill to defeat your ignominious ways!"
"Thank you, Mr. Baker," Betsy Wiener finished.
"You hear that!" Baker yelled as the show went off the air. "I'll put the fear of God into you heathens!"
"What's he saying, Butt-head?" Beavis asked.
"I think he's saying he wants to, like, stop us from seeing naked chicks and music videos or something."
"Cool, heh heh!" Beavis commented. "Music videos suck! They suck!"
"Beavis, you dumbass!" Butt-head scolded. "Once this guy becomes president, we'll, like, never see a naked chick again!"
"Whoa, that sucks!" Beavis frowned. "Um, wait a minute. This guy's running for President?"
"Uh, I think so," Butt-head replied flippantly.
"What're we gonna do, damn it?"
"I mean, we're never gonna score if he runs!"
"This sucks, Butt-head! This really sucks!"
"And in today's news, protestors have arrived in droves to protest the current Bush Administration," the news anchor reported on their TV. "Over several thousand protestors were seen outside the capital today."
"Heh heh heh!" Beavis chuckled. "Bush…"
"Uhhhhh…" Butt-head stared into the TV while an idea formulated in his head.
"Um, isn't that other guy's name Dick?" Beavis wondered aloud.
"Whoa, I got it!" Butt-head announced.
"Got what, Butt-head?"
"We're going to Washington, DC."
"We're gonna, like, protest that Gus Baker dude or something."
"Heh heh heh, you're pretty smart, Butt-head."
"Then we'll kick his ass for saying chicks can't show us their thingies!"
"Yeah! Yeah!" Beavis cried. "We'll kick his ass!"
"Beavis," Butt-head looked at his companion. "I think I've found a new calling in life."
"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis laughed. "Me too!"
"Pack your bags, Beavis," Butt-head ordered. "We're going back to DC!"
Before either of them could bolt for the door, an idea came to Beavis's mind.
"Wait a minute," Beavis frowned. "Aren't we supposed to, like, graduate first or something?"
"Uh, oh yeah!" Butt-head realized.
"Graduation kicks ass! Heh heh heh!"
"We're gonna graduate. Uh, huh huh huh!"
To be continued.