Coming of Age
Author's Note In the last chapter, I created Billy and Brandon as collegiate versions of Beavis and Butt-head. The way I made them as foil was that they were every bit as socially retarded and as klutzy as the duo. However, they had money and connections all through their lives to back them up. That's how they were able to join up with all the frats and even get laid. Other than that, they were rotten to the core from being so spoiled.
Act XIX – American Dillweed
"Looks like we've finally made it," Van Driessen told the group. "You've been here before, right?"
"Yeah, huh huh huh!"
Beavis looked outside the window towards the Washington Monument. Strangely aroused, he began cooing at the sight of the enormous obelisk.
"Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!" sputtered Beavis.
"Uh, what seems to be the problem, Beavis?" asked Butt-head.
"That, heh heh heh!" Beavis pointed to the monument. "I think we've seen it before, Butt-head."
"Oh that, huh huh huh!" Butt-head chuckled. "Looks like a giant wiener to me!"
"That, boys, is the Washington Monument," explained Van Driessen. "It's the world's largest obelisk in addition to a Presidential Monument built to honor George Washington."
"Largest, huh huh huh!"
"Heh heh heh heh heh!"
"As an interesting tidbit," Van Driessen told them. "No building in the Washington DC area is allowed to be built higher than the Washington Monument."
"Really?" Butt-head's eyes widened.
"So you mean, like, nobody's allowed to get a bigger stiffy than that Washington dude?" asked Beavis. "That's cool!"
"Yeah, I need to write a law too," Butt-head joked. "Henceforth, no dude in Highland will be allowed to have a bigger stiffy than President Butt-head, huh huh huh!"
Van Driessen noticed his cell phone ringing and picked it up. After exchanging a few words with Buzzcut, he turned his van at the next stop light and went into a parking garage. The gang got out and went out on the street to meet with Buzzcut.
"Looks like we're here," Buzzcut declared. "I'll be accompanying you for the duration of this trip. And I will do so until Agent Flemming gives me orders not to. Remember to exercise common sense, gentlemen!"
"How long will you be required to stay with Beavis and Butt-head?" asked Van Driessen.
"Until we find out the identity of this Mr. Lobby and bring him down," replied Buzzcut. "It's gonna be a while."
"In that case, let's go have lunch," Van Driessen nodded.
"Butt-head, how do you feel about fate and destiny?" asked Cassandra.
Beavis and Butt-head were already at a local café the rest of their companions. The duo sat with Van Driessen and Cassandra while Stewart and Daria sat with Buzzcut.
"Do you feel that fate is calling you to do something great or do you feel that it's your own destiny to take matters into your own hands?"
"I feel it's my destiny to, like, score or something," Butt-head answered as best he could. "Huh huh huh huh huh!"
"What she means is this, guys," Van Driessen explained. "Do you two believe you have control of your own lives or do you feel there's something unseen is directing you and how you live?"
"Um, I feel like I'm in control of my own nads," Beavis replied. "Heh heh heh!"
"I meant what I said about writing letters of recommendation for you guys," Van Driessen told the duo. "Have you decided on which colleges you wanted to go to yet?"
"Not quite sure yet?" Van Driessen asked.
"Uh, guess not," Butt-head told his teacher.
"Speaking of which, remember the original reason why you wanted to come over to DC?" asked Van Driessen.
"Wasn't it to, like, protest something?" asked Beavis.
"Oh yeah!" recalled Butt-head. "Uh, what were we protesting again?"
"Um, I forgot," Beavis admitted.
"This sucks!" Butt-head declared.
"Actually, I have an idea guys," Van Driessen told them.
In the lawn just next to the sidewalk on that bustling day, six people stood on the grass holding up signs. Their leader appeared to be a long-haired hippie while the rest of the protestors consisted of primarily students.
"This sucks!" Beavis announced while holding up his 'Give peace a chance' sign.
"Why didn't you remember what we were gonna protest about?" demanded Butt-head. "Now we gotta do it Van Driessen's half-assed way!"
"Come on guys," Van Driessen held up his 'Animals are people too!' sign. "This is what the spirit of the sixties was all about! You're exercising your rights as American citizens to organize peaceful protests."
From afar, Buzzcut watched what Van Driessen and the gang were doing from a bench. He shook his head in disapproval but could do nothing. After all, he was here to protect them and as much as he hated to deny it to Beavis and Butt-head, they did have their Constitutional rights to do things like this.
"I'm beginning to see how it went back then," Cassandra told Van Driessen. "Was the atmosphere back then as inviting as it is now?"
"Not exactly," explained Van Driessen. "Back then, young protestors faced stiffer opposition from the establishment and even from their own fellow citizens. But thanks to their brave sacrifices, we have the open atmosphere for activists that we do today."
"In no small part because of historic events like Kent State?" asked Daria.
"That definitely had something to do with it," Van Driessen nodded. "The killing of unarmed students there had a negative effect on then-President Richard Nixon and contributed to the already waning popularity of the Vietnam War."
"It's cool how you got to be a part of it all back then, Mr. Van Driessen!" exclaimed Stewart.
"Life could be difficult for us back then," admitted Van Driessen. "Just the label of 'hippie' was enough to turn off enough of the public."
"Huh huh huh! Turn off!"
"Yeah, this sucky protest is turning me off right now!" Beavis declared.
"But you guys wanted to do this," Stewart said.
"We didn't wanna do it like a bunch of hippies!" Butt-head retorted.
"Yeay, we were gonna do it like… um, I forgot what it was already," Beavis scratched his head.
Former US President Bill Clinton rode down the streets of DC with his chauffeur in his bulletproof limousine. Behind him, a few of his bodyguards trailed behind him to keep him safe.
His days as President were long over but there were moments when he still felt the need to come back to the capital of the United States. Today he was only here for an informal visit. He missed the old days of hustle and bustle when he was still leader of the free world. He had duties back then to fulfill and deep down, there was a part of him that wished he was still up there as Commander in Chief.
Clinton rolled down his windows to glance outside.
"Say, I think I recognize those boys," Clinton muttered.
"Shall I stop the car, sir?" asked his butler.
"Sure," Clinton nodded. "I gotta see what this is all about."
The former President got out of his limo and walked towards the small group of protestors. Behind him were his bodyguards.
"Hey Beavis," Butt-head looked up. "Check it out!"
"Um, have we met this dude before?" asked Beavis.
Van Driessen, however, knew who it was instantly. He dropped his protest sign and went up to greet the ex-President.
"Mr. President," Van Driessen shook the hand of former governor of Arkansas. "It's a pleasure to meet you in person."
"Uh, are you, like, that President dude?" asked Butt-head.
"Former President actually," Clinton corrected and got in between the duo. "Beavis and Butt-head, I must say that it is an honor to be here with you fine young men!"
"Heh heh, thanks."
"Yeah, huh huh huh."
"So how have you two been doing in high school?" asked Clinton. "Graduating this year, ain'tcha?"
"Uh, yeah, we're graduating or something," Butt-head replied.
"Um, we took, like, some classes and stuff," answered Beavis.
"Yeah, they sucked!" declared Butt-head. "Huh huh huh!"
"As you may know, public education reform has always been one of my top priorities," said Clinton. "I believe that it is the right of every young American to get the best education possible within the system."
"Uh, and I think it's the right of every young American to, like, score or something!" Butt-head joked.
"Absolutely!" Clinton agreed. "Achievement rate among students are dropping. Less and less are scoring well on standardized tests! This is a problem that must be addressed!"
"Yeah, some kids are just dumb," Beavis nodded. "Heh heh heh m heh heh!"
"You know something," Clinton said to the duo. "I am amazed. I'm amazed that two young men who have come from dire economic conditions in a lower income community can be so brave and so intelligent! Beavis and Butt-head, you have certainly overcome all obstacles in life to become the great Americans you are now!"
"He said we're intelligent, huh huh huh!"
"Yeah, heh heh heh heh heh!"
"Because of your aptitude and drive, you have gone from rags to riches," Clinton continued. "And now you are exercising your rights as American citizens to engage in your Constitutional rights of political protest. I have never been more touched to see the coming of age of two of America's best and brightest!"
"Uh, did he just say he was touched to see us cumming?" Butt-head asked Beavis.
"I dunno," Beavis replied. "But he was right about me having drive! Vroom, vroom! Heh heh heh heh heh!"
"Beavis and Butt-head," Clinton announced. "On behalf of Washington DC and the great country you two have served in the past against the terrorists Muddy and Dallas Grimes, I would like to extend my hand of friendship and offer you a personalized tour of this nation's capital from my limo."
"Extend, huh huh huh!"
"Heh heh heh heh heh!"
"Is it alright with you?" Clinton asked Van Driessen.
"Well, I guess I'd have to ask Bradley Buzzcut about it," Van Driessen admitted.
"No need," Buzzcut walked up with his cell phone. He handed it to Bill Clinton after explaining the situation to the former President.
"Hi," Clinton spoke. "Is that you, Agent Flemming? Long time no see, man! How're your kids doing?"
"They're doing fine, Mr. President," Flemming answered. "Can I be of service?"
"Is it alright with you if I take Beavis and Butt-head on a tour of DC?" asked Clinton.
"Hmm, I suppose it's alright, Mr. President," Flemming answered. "After all, I used to serve under you."
"Sounds good," Clinton acknowledged and switched off the cell. "Have a good one now!"
"This is a great honor guys," Van Driessen told the two. "Now would be a good opportunity to listen and learn to the many experiences of a former US President."
"Yeah, it looks good on the resume too," Daria agreed.
"Uh, okay," Butt-head agreed.
"Yeah, sounds good to me," Beavis nodded in conjunction to his companion.
Bill Clinton led the two to his limo.
"I know about the brave boys who saved America a few years ago," Clinton said. "Now's my chance to get to know you as people. In fact, how do you two like the sound of an internship?"
"Be careful now," Daria smiled at Beavis and Butt-head sweetly. "Bill Clinton's extended more than just the hand of friendship to young interns."
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Butt-head.
"Oh nothing," Daria smirked. "You'll find out."
"That certainly was swell," commented Daria after the duo had left with the former President.
"What do you mean?" asked Van Driessen.
"I was there when Bill Clinton came over to Highland," remarked Daria. "And so were Cassandra and Stewart. It's amazing how Clinton recognized the two of them over us."
"Hmm, maybe they've had a previous encounter," suggested Van Driessen.
"How do you suppose Mr. Clinton could've recognized Beavis and Butt-head after all this time?" asked Stewart.
"That's what I'd like to know!" Buzzcut cross his arms angrily.
"Remember that incident a few years ago?" asked Cassandra.
"Was it something other than the President coming over to our school?" asked Van Driessen.
"Yes, actually," Cassandra affirmed. "At one point when we were at the conference with you on sexuality, Daria and I were there with you, Mr. Van Driessen."
"Oh, that," Van Driessen's shoulders slumped.
"Federal agents busted in and arrested you," reminded Cassandra. "They said that they were looking for Beavis and Butt-head."
"Hmm, that may be how Mr. Clinton got more acquainted with Beavis and Butt-head," concluded Stewart.
"Some way of meeting the President," commented Daria.
"Yes, that wasn't exactly my… defining moment," Van Driessen straightened his glasses in embarrassment, recalling the moment his Miranda rights had been denied to him.
"I just realized something though," Daria said to everyone.
"What's that?" asked Cassandra.
"Bill Clinton is a lot like Beavis and Butt-head in terms of temperament," explained Daria. "If those two impress him even more, they could be on their way to having a stable career in the future."
"Hmm, that's an encouraging sign," Van Driessen smiled. "Looks like I may not have to write that letter of recommendation after all."
"You were really going to write them a letter of recommendation?" asked Daria.
"Well, yes," admitted Van Driessen. "Why do you ask?"
"Umm, no comment," Daria replied quickly.
Clinton's limousine had stopped near a local Chinese cuisine and he was treating the two to an even nicer lunch that they had previously had. His bodyguards were stationed just outside the restaurant, making sure they were safe in eating their lunch.
The entire time, Clinton had been talking about political topics such as education, environment, and finance reform. These subjects flew clear over the heads of Beavis and Butt-head. Neither of them could quite grasp what the ex-President was trying to say. Now Clinton was talking about his pets. Though it was an easier topic to understand, neither Beavis nor Butt-head were really paying attention at this point.
"Hah hah!" chuckled Clinton. "And then my cat Socks tried to sink his claws into Buddy when Buddy leaped onto the sofa!"
"Hey Butt-head, check this out!" Beavis nudged his friend.
Beavis grabbed a pair of chopsticks from his table and stuck both up his nose. He then grabbed a fistful of noodles from his plate and stuck it over his head.
"I'm a walrus now," Beavis said. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"
"Yeah, a walrus with a mullet, huh huh huh!" remarked Butt-head.
"Heh heh," Clinton chuckled. "Good to see a creative side of you, Beavis."
"I am thee Great Cornholio!" ad-libbed Beavis. "Do you dare take away my Tee Pee?"
"Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"
"Heh," Clinton smiled. "As a matter of fact, I remember seeing you two again on Broadway. You were able to stop those two criminals and steal the show!"
"Yeah, I kicked Beavis's ass on Broadway!" Butt-head gloated.
"Shut up, Butt-head!" Beavis ordered. "I kicked your ass!"
"No way, Beavis!"
"How did you guys like performing in front of millions?" asked Bill Clinton.
"Uh, it kicked ass!"
"Yeah, heh heh heh!"
Bill Clinton finished the rest of his lunch.
"So," he said. "Anything else you boys wanna talk about before we head to the Jefferson Memorial?"
"Uh, yeah," Butt-head stated. "Could you, like, tell us about the time you scored with that Monica chick?"
"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis added. "Did she have nice thingies?"
"Huh huh huh!" Clinton laughed. "You betcha!"
"Huh huh huh huh huh!"
"Heh heh heh heh heh!"
"Huh… huh huh… huh huh huh huh huh!" Clinton soon began laughing as well along with the duo.
"You know something?" McVicker held Miss Pastry's arms as he walked down the streets. "I'm beginning to see the bright side of life again."
"Of course, Mr. McVicker," Miss Pastry smiled sweetly.
"After this is all over with, how'd you like to take a trip with me to Paris?" asked McVicker.
"I'm not sure, Mr. McVicker," Miss Pastry smiled nervously. "Awfully short notice, isn't it?"
"Nah!" McVicker said. "I'm just a spur-of-the-moment kind of guy!"
"I can tell," Miss Pastry kissed McVicker on the cheek.
Just as McVicker and Miss Pastry walked towards a Chinese restaurant, McVicker paused.
"Is something wrong?" asked Miss Pastry.
Immediately, the air of self-confidence surrounding McVicker had vanished. Miss Pastry let go of his arm as soon as she noticed his entire body was shaking violently once again.
What he had seen had made him lose all inhibitions.
"Uhhhh!" McVicker said in a hushed whisper. "It's t-t-them ag-g-gain!"
Miss Pastry looked up. She saw two young adults sitting there chatting with a person who appeared to be former President Bill Clinton.
"Oh my God…" McVicker sank to his knees and held his head. "The p-p-pain… make it go away…"
Miss Pastry had nothing she could offer to make him feel better again. McVicker had lost all his cajones the minute he saw his former students and to make matters worse, he did not have any of his medication on him. She did the only thing she could do and pulled out her cell phone.
"Mr. Candy, this is Miss Pastry," she spoke. "Targets Beavis and Butt-head have been sighted."
"Excellent," Mr. Candy replied. "Trail them from behind. I want to see what they're up to…"
To be continued.