Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans.

Good thing these tickets were free, Major Rathbone. This play su-
-Abraham Lincoln


Felinus domesticus

huddle in the corner, trying my best to blend into the shadows. I've never been so afraid, so absolutely terrified, in my entire life! I cower in fear, trying my damnedest to curl into the smallest ball my feline form can make, praying that I'll be overlooked when they search this space.

I can hear someone's footsteps approaching and a door outside my sanctuary hisses open. I try not to whimper, knowing that any sound will bring them straight to me. The feet in the room outside move in a circular path, until they finally stop outside my door. I stop breathing- even that tiny noise will give my location away.

The door slides open, and the feet walk in. A light turns on as the search continues into what I am convinced will become my final resting place. Fate intervenes on my behalf, however, and the feet begin to walk out the door. I relax a little, giving a silent sigh of relief.

Then, I sneeze. Of course.

Immediately, everything around me flies into the air, until I alone am on the floor, exposed for all to see. For her to see.

"There you are! Now, just what do you think you're doing in my closet?"

Raven's eyes glow as she reaches down to grab me. My life flashes before my eyes, and I remember just how I got into this mess…


"Why hello there Titans- so nice of you to join me!"

Professor Chang's raspy voice greeted us as we burst through the door, interrupting his little tea party. Or robbery party. There really wasn't any tea there. Not that I minded- that stuff is pretty flavorless. Now soda… that's where it's at, my friend! My favorite is Cheerwine, but it's pretty hard to find on the West Coast. In fact, the only store that sells it is this specialty store in California that…

"Beast Boy, watch out!"

I came out of my cherry-soda induced reverie just in time to be bowled over by the good professor as he charged out the back of the convenience store. Immediately, I gave chase, exiting the store only seconds after the villain, and just in time for…

…just in time for him to point some crazy looking weapon at me! Dude!

Thinking quickly, I changed into a mouse and dodged the energy beam emitted from his weapon, then shifted back into my normal, lovable, human self. But before I could take a step towards Chang's fleeing form, three things happened at once:

1) A filthy and emaciated grey-ish kitten attached itself to my right leg via eight extremely sharp claws. As far as I can figure, the little dude had pounced towards me while I was a microtus pennsylvanicus, and landed on me while I was a homo sapiens. The best laid plans of mice and men, eh?

2) Chang's beam ricocheted off the door behind me, catching me in the back of the head.

3) I passed out. What? I just got shot in the head with some freaky energy gun- can you really blame me?


I woke up to find myself in a pile of garbage and sporting a splitting headache that nobody should ever have unless it's the morning after a frat party. I slowly got to my feet and walked out of the trash, still in a daze. Why hadn't my teammates found me yet?

"Please Beast Boy, why do you not resume your human form?"

I looked towards the sound of Starfire's voice to see her with her back to me, looking down at something on the ground in front of her. Cyborg, Raven, and Robin stood in a ring around the thing she was addressing, not saying a word. I shouted to them, to alert them to my presence, but they didn't turn around. Instead, Robin spoke up.

"Alright team, let's get him back to the tower and see if we can find out just what Chang did to him, and if we can reverse it."

I started to shout again, but was cut short when Starfire bent down to pick up what they were looking at… a tiny green kitten. Well, I could understand their confusion- it's not as if you see green cats every day… but I was right behind them, in plain sight! How could they think that cat was me if I'm standing not ten feet away, shouting at them?

My friends took off towards the Tower, leaving me behind. I sat down, confused as to what was going on. Why did my friends ignore me? Where did that kitten come from? Why did the chicken cross the road? Absentmindedly, I began licking my paw.

Licking… my… paw?

My eyes opened wide in surprise as I looked at myself for the first time since waking up. I was in the body of that grey alley cat! And he was in mine! And I was really really really hungry!

Me, trapped in the body of a carnivore. It's official, folks: there is no justice in this world.

Determinedly, I began to haul my tiny, bedraggled, flea-bitten self towards the Tower in the distance.


Several hours later, I was still hauling my sorry butt through the city. Block after block slowly passed by, but the Tower never looked any closer than before. I seriously began to doubt whether I'd ever get home- how was I going to cross the water in my state anyhow? There's no way I'd ever survive the crossing.

Hey… what's that headed this way?

"Woof!"

My feline instincts took over, and I turned tail and fled back the way I'd come. I didn't particularly care that I was sprinting away from where I'd been trying to get to for half the day- the only thing that mattered was getting away from that evil, vicious, cat-eating… Dachshund.

I, Beast Boy of the Teen Titans, am running away from a freaking Weiner Dog?

You'd better believe it, buster!

I ran in a blind panic, oblivious to everything but escaping the hotdog shaped demon nipping at my heels. Then, I did something stupid.

Something really stupid.

Quite possibly the stupidest thing I'd done in at least thirty minutes.

I ran out into the street.

A pair of headlights illuminated my world, and then everything went black.


I woke up in a dark room. I hoped beyond hope that I'd been having a nightmare, but my hopes were quickly shattered as I took in my surroundings.

I was in a small, dark, windowless room. I was on a pile of blankets in the corner. In the opposite corner was a litter box (oh, the indignity!), and in the other corners were the food and water bowls.

I was freaking hungry, so I immediately went to the food bowl. Now, under normal circumstances I'm a strict vegetarian. However, the feline digestive system doesn't really deal well with a vegetarian diet, and if I was going to escape this predicament, I would need every ounce of strength I could muster. So I swallowed my pride, and the Meow Mix followed suit.

Suddenly I heard loud footsteps headed this way- two pairs. The owners of the feet were talking. Naturally, I eavesdropped.

"C'mon, we've got to keep the little dude! At least let him stay until he's healthy enough to go survive on his own!" said a low male voice.

He sounds very familiar…

"We can't- he belongs in the pound, where they can take care of him. We simply can't have a pet, I'm sorry!" said another male voice.

He sounds familiar too… no, it couldn't be…

"Please Robin? The cat of which Cyborg speaks is most adorable!" said a high pitched female.

Robin? Cyborg? And was that Starfire? Oh man, this is great! I'm back at the Tower already!

"No Starfire, I'm afraid we can't afford to keep him! He has to go!"

Crap.

The door slid open, revealing three arguing Titans and one very silent Titan.

"Oh! He's just so delightful! Please Robin!" Starfire swooped down and picked up Beast Boy, hugging him to her chest.

Can't… breathe… don't… really... mind… all… that… much…

"Yeah, come on, man! Look, he's not even struggling against Starfire squeezing the life out of him! Just give him a week before making up your mind, alright?" Cyborg attempted to reach a compromise with Robin, certain that a week would be enough time for the cat to grow on the Boy Wonder, or for Starfire's infatuation with the feline to wear him down.

Robin, desperate for an ally, turned to Raven.

"Raven, what do you think? You know we can't keep a cat, right?"

Raven hesitated before quietly replying. "I… I think Beast Boy would like the company."

Robin caved, lowering his head in defeat. "Alright team, he can stay for now. Anyone have any names?"

If you call me Garfield, I swear…

Cyborg piped up. "We can call him Garfield, after Beast Boy."

I hate you so very much…

"No," said Robin, "Beast Boy didn't seem to really like that name very much, so I doubt he'd appreciate us naming the cat that."

For a guy that was trying to throw me in the pound a minute ago, you're a pretty cool dude!

"Perhaps friend Raven could name him," said Starfire, "because Cyborg said he was a Russian Blue and blue is friend Raven's favorite color and the kitten is blue and-"

I'm blue? Well, I guess if you kinda squint…

"Alright," interrupted Raven in her trademark monotone, "His name is Morpheus."

Hey, I didn't know Raven's seen The Matrix! Cool!

"Greek god of dreams, huh? I like it." stated Cyborg.

Nuts.


The next day was devoted to the team's futile efforts trying to get "Beast Boy" to resume his human form. Robin interrogated Professor Chang, without much success. Cyborg tried to reverse engineer the weapon Chang had used on his friend, but the going was slow. Raven used the magic taught to her by Malchior to forcibly transform "Beast Boy," but he always immediately snapped back to the kitten. Starfire was too distracted by "the Face" to really be of much help. I simply stared at the imposter, feeling powerless to help myself.

After watching Starfire play with my kitten counterpart, I got a brilliant idea- Raven could read minds, right? Well, what if she read my mind, realized that I was the real Beast Boy, and told the team?

I found Raven alone in the common room, sitting on the couch, reading a book. She had transformed "Beast Boy" about thirty times today, and was in desperate need of some relaxation. Confidently, I parked myself in front of her and meowed loudly for attention.

Raven looked up from her book, then set it down beside her. "You want some food Morpheus?"

No, I want you to read my mind and get me my body back.

"Well, I know Starfire just fed you, so you're not getting any more food from me."

Don't want food. Want telepathy.

"Here, come on up." Raven's hands glowed, lifting me onto her lap. Slowly, she began to stroke my fur.

Alright, telepathy can wait.

"You really are a beautiful cat. I've never seen such a handsome coat, and blue is my favorite color." She scratched under my chin, causing me to purr furiously. Suddenly she stopped, and I looked up, my eyes begging for more.

"And you've got the prettiest green eyes. No, that's not true. I mean they're beautiful, but…"

She glanced nervously around her, then leaned her head down until her lips were near my ears, and whispered…

"… they're not as pretty as Garfield's."

The lasagna loving cartoon cat? What… OH.

"Nobody would ever believe it, though. Who would guess that the ice queen could fall for the court jester?"

I can think of one chromatically challenged changeling that wouldn't object.

"He's really sweet though, always trying to make me smile. Once or twice I even almost laughed at one of his jokes…"

I KNEW IT!

"… but I stop myself every time. I don't know why, but I do. I can't understand why I treat him so badly all the time, when all he does is try to get me to come out of my shell."

I just figured it was because none of my jokes were actually funny, even to me.

"And I can't understand why he keeps trying. Any rational person would have given up on me ages ago."

I own stock in window-pane companies. It's all a diabolical plot to get rich quick.

"And now… now he's trapped with the mind of a cat! It tears me apart just to see him like that, but I can't let any of the others know…" Raven started crying quietly, tears running down her face. She sat up, and began to wipe her eyes, but I had other ideas.

Raven was crying because I was stupid and got hit by Chang. I certainly wasn't going to let her feel bad for me, not if I could help it. I stood up on her lap and placed my front paws on her chest…

Dirty thoughts begone!

… and licked her face. Raven's eyes got wide, then she smiled. I licked her a few more times before sitting back down on her lap, still facing her.

Well, I finally got her to crack a smile! And without a corny joke, even!

"You know, Morpheus, you're a very sweet kitten- I really hope Robin let's you stay with us. It'd probably be a good idea for you to butter up Starfire- everyone knows he won't say no to her."

Yeah, but right now I've got better things to do.

I turned around a little bit and collapsed back down on Raven's lap, allowing her to continue petting me. As I drifted off to sleep, I heard Raven whisper in my ear:

"And Morpheus, if you tell Beast Boy that I... you know... then I'll send you to a dimension filled with rabid Dachshunds. Understand?"

Even the threat of wiener dog dimensions couldn't faze me, however. Raven liked me, and for that I purred, content on her lap.


Like the previous day, my third day in Morpheus' body was devoted to reversing what Chang had done to me. Robin still questioned the scientist mercilessly, Cyborg continued his examination of the device, and Starfire tried to get "me" to eat zorka berries. Raven spent her time with "me" trying to read my green counterpart's mind.

I have a sneaking suspicion she was trying to see if I'd told him anything.

My time with "me," however, was very productive.

"How do you like it here?" I asked him.

"Oh, it's very nice. I have good food, a warm bed to sleep in, and those two girls that come see me are really nice."

"Really?" If I remembered how Raven had spent her time with him yesterday correctly, "nice" isn't the word I would have used.

"Oh yes! The red-haired girl is putty in my paws. She gives me treats and catnip and plays with me. She also tries to get me to eat these gross little berries, but the treats make up for them."

"And Raven? The purple-haired one?"

"The purple-haired girl doesn't give me treats or catnip, but she likes me, so I like her. She seems kind of sad, but she won't pet me. Says something about 'not treating me like a cat when I'm a person.' But I'm a cat! I've always been a cat! I wasn't always green, but… say, you look and smell very familiar…"

Oh boy.

I explained the situation to him- he was in my body, and I in his. He took it remarkably well, all things considered.

"GIVE ME BACK MY BODY!"

It took me about ten minutes for me to calm him down, in large part due to the fact that if he killed me, his old body would be dead.

"Listen dude," I said, "we have to help each other out here. I need to stick around the Tower long enough for them to figure out how to switch our bodies back. You appear to want to stick around the Tower after that happens."

"So what do you think we should do?"

"Your job is simple- be nice to everyone, me especially. The decision to let me stay here was made because they thought you might appreciate some feline company. Once they realize it's you in my body and switch us, it'll be that much easier for them to keep you if they already like you. If it helps you any, Raven –the girl with the purple hair- thinks your fur is beautiful."

My green counterpart beamed proudly.

"My job is a little more complicated. I have to get the message across to them somehow that our bodies are switched. Also, I have to be likeable enough for them to keep me here until that point, and for you to stay here after that point."

"So, how do we do this?"

"Well," I asked, "do you like to play?"


That evening, the whole team was in the common room relaxing from a hard day of trying to fix me. It was relatively calm- quiet, even.

We can't have that, now can we?

"Beast Boy" and I started to chase each other through the living room, two monochromatic blurs tearing through the space. The Titans watched on in amazement as we dashed, tumbled, and wrestled in, on, over, and under everything we could find.

"Does Beast Boy not like Morpheus? Why do they fight?" asked Starfire.

"They're not fighting, Starfire. They're playing- kittens do that to develop skills that they'll need to survive on their own in the wild," explained Raven.

"Man, those two could probably light up the city with their energy. Forget nuclear power, we've got hyperactivity!" Cyborg was joking. I hope.

And then tragedy struck. I was chasing "Beast Boy" across the couch (and the Titans that occupied it), with each of them moving what they were using out of our way. Robin and Cyborg lifted their Gamestation controllers over our heads, and Starfire raised the sweater she was knitting (Robin had taught her, but he refused to tell us where he'd learned it). Raven had a book on her lap, and a cup of tea in her hand. She had moved the book and tea out of the way for "Beast Boy," but must not have been paying attention to the fact that only one cat had passed her. So when I came running around…

CRASH!

The room fell silent. Cyborg even paused the game he was playing.

The teacup lay shattered on the floor, but that wasn't the worst part. What worried me was the dark brown stain that covered the torn pages of Raven's thick book.

No way I was sticking around. Being about 1/20 my human size probably made me a lot easier to chuck out a window, and Raven had one hell of a throwing "arm" at her disposal. In a flash, I was gone, tiny legs pumping as hard and as fast down the hall as I could go. A door opened as I passed by it, and I dashed inside.

Oh, hell.

I was in Raven's room. RAVEN'S ROOM. And she would be hot on my heels, if I knew her at all. Then I saw something in the corner of the room- another door! An escape!

I dashed to the door, which opened up as automatically as the door to the room itself had opened. I jumped through the door before realizing my mistake. It wasn't an exit from the room, but an entrance to the closet. RAVEN'S CLOSET.

Crapitty crap!

I heard footsteps approaching…


All of this flashes before my eyes as Raven holds me by the scruff of my neck in front of her face. I'm not really listening to what she's saying, until it dawns on me that I'm not dead… yet.

"-was an extremely old and rare tome, which is now missing three pages, not to mention twenty that'll never look the same again…"

I decided to try something new. The Face always worked on Starfire, but Raven had a different Achilles Heel. She pulled me closer and closer to her face, getting angrier with each millimeter, until…

I reached my paws out, and pat her on the nose.

".. not even mine… (pat pat)… on loan… (pat pat)… (pat)… crap."

Mission: Accomplished!

Raven gave me a stern look, but her eyes were smiling. "Damn it! You and Beast Boy!" She huffed in frustration, before muttering quietly under her breath. "I just can't stay angry at you for any decent amount of time! Come on."

She cradled me in her arms and began to walk towards the door, when suddenly an explosion rocked the tower. Three shouts of surprise followed it, but were quickly cut off.

Raven teleported to the common room, inadvertently taking me along with her. What we saw took our breath away.

"Why hello there Raven- so nice of you to join us!"

Professor Chang stood in the middle of the room, with Robin, Cyborg, and Starfire frozen in positions of surprise around him.

"You see, you naughty children took my precious toy away, so I had to come back and take it again! And here we have a perfect opportunity to test it! I never did get to see what it did to your green friend."

Raven was seething, desperately trying to control her temper.

"I won't let you hurt my friends!" shouted Raven.

"Your friends should be the least of your worries, little girl! Now, how would you like to switch bodies with that precious feline in your arms?"

Raven's eyes widened, and she quickly flung me away from her just as the beam struck her in the chest. Just like it had been with me, the pain of the blast was enough to knock her unconscious.

Oh, I was pissed now. Screeching, I charged the villain, 5 pounds of furry fury.

Chang turned to me and laughed, raising his weapon to take aim at his latest challenger. He completely failed to notice "me" leaping towards him.

All 800 pounds of Siberian "me."

With a terrified shout, Chang dropped his weapon, wet himself, and fainted.

"Great job dude! Hold him there, and make sure he doesn't move."

"Can I eat him?"

Hmm…

"No."

"Please?"

"No. They'll put you in jail… the pound for people."

"Phooey."

I scampered over to Chang's weapon and examined it. Finally, I found the "unfreeze" button, and pressed it.

"-AHH!" shouted three voices from the couch.

Then another brilliant idea struck me… but it required opposable thumbs.

Damn.

The Titans raced over to Raven's unconscious form to make sure she was alright.

"Ugh… Beast Boy…"

"He's alright Raven, except that he's technically still a cat." Robin, ever helpful.

"No, I know what Chang did to him… the weapon switches the bodies of whomever it hits and someone standing nearby. Chang hit me with it, trying to switch me and Morpheus, but I threw Morpheus over into the kitchen."

Which is going to leave quite the bruise, I might add!

Robin, ever the thinker, came to the appropriate conclusion first. "So you're saying that Beast Boy was standing next to a cat when he got hit?"

Raven nodded silently.

Cyborg was aghast. "You mean to tell me that we're going to have to test this thing on every alley cat we find in Jump City?!"

I decided this would be a good time to bring myself into the spotlight.

"Meow."

Four heads snapped in my direction.

"No way," said Robin.

"No freaking way," expounded Cyborg.

"Glorious!" commented Starfire.

Raven just blushed madly, raising her hood in an attempt to hide her reddening face.

"Hey Morpheus," I meowed, "you might want to get off the old guy."

The green tiger stood up and walked over towards me, then resumed his kitten shape.

"Well," said Robin, "time to give this theory a shot. No pun intended, I assure you."

The Boy Wonder picked up Chang's weapon, took careful aim, and pulled the trigger.


The sensation of returning to my own body was the polar opposite of what I felt when I was ripped from it. A feeling of relief flooded me as my mind settled in the well worn neural pathways I'd made over the years. I spent a little too long rejoicing, however…

"Did it work? Try it again, Robin."

Quickly, I turned back into my human self. "Whoa there, Tex! Hold your horses! I'm alright, and I don't think Morpheus would appreciate being back in my body all that much."

"Dude! You're back! Hey Robin, aren't you glad I made you keep that poor little kitten?"

"It's great to have you back Beast Boy."

"This is wondrous news! I shall go make the traditional Tamaranian pudding of regaining your own body!"

I swear she's making that up!

Then I noticed someone who hadn't said anything since I'd last meowed: Raven. Like a flash, I was next to her.

"Raven-"

Raven kept her eyes pointed towards the floor.

"I… never knew… all those things I told Morpheus… that I told you…"

"Huh? What was wrong with them? Did you not mean them?"

Raven shook her head. "I'm so sorry… but I meant everything I said. I'll completely understand if you don't feel the same way- if you hated me even. I've always treated you so badly, while you've only tried to make me happy."

I was shocked, to say the least. I'd always thought Raven was be one of the more perceptive members of the team. The team that was, I might mention, beating a hasty retreat (with Chang in tow) so we might be alone.

"Raven, what are you talking about? I could never hate you!"

"But I've been so mean to you…" she choked out.

"Pfft! Nonsense- I love you for who you are- I wouldn't settle for anything else!"

Raven's eyes shot open. "You… love… me?"

I rolled my eyes, grinning madly. "I kissed you, didn't I?"

Raven laughed- a sound I could definitely get used to.

"That didn't count, you idiot! You were a cat!"

I got a devious glint in my eye. "Well, I guess I'd better do it officially then."

We were leaning in towards each other when a meow behind me interrupted us.

"Someone's jealous," I translated.

Raven smirked, a gleam in her eye. "So I'll have two feline suitors to fight off? Oh, I must be the luckiest girl alive."

"Don't get cocky," I whispered. "I told him about the nose patting."

"You talk too much," she quipped, before lunging in and effectively cutting off my retort.

Morpheus meowed indignantly, and Raven disengaged from Beast Boy.

"Translation?"

"And I quote: 'get a room.'"

Raven laughed again, and picked up the blue kitten, holding it in front of her face.

"I believe I owe you for saving my life."

"Meow!" said Morpheus.

"He says, 'damn right!'" translated Beast Boy.

Raven leaned forward and kissed the cat on the nose, who immediately began to pat Raven on the nose with his paws.

"Looks like he's putting up a pretty good fight for your affection, Raven."

"Oh, you'll get your chance to win it back."

"The roof?"

"Sounds perfect."

She put the happily purring Russian blue back on the floor before taking Beast Boy's hand and teleporting them to rooftop.

Fin


This story is an example of what you get when you combine hydrocodone and word processors. Hope you enjoyed it! I'm going to go pass out now.