Title: GROSS REMUNERATION

Author: therubyone

Rating: M for Mature – some content may be upsetting for younger readers, such as corporal punishment, het discussions, and male/male slash.

Characters: Drake, Josh, Audrey, Megan and minor characters from the "Battle of Panthatar," Diane (with the invented surname of) Langley, Thornton Locke

Notes: Story begins during the final scene of "Josh Is Done," a vignette about what might have taken place (in an alternate non-Y7-rated universe).

Disclaimer: Viacomm and Nickelodeon are the owners of the show and characters; I own nothing and make no profit – I only came to play here.

Spoilers: Contains specific information from "Josh Is Done" and general information from the entire D&J universe.

GROSS REMUNERATION

Chapter 1 – Eleven Days (Payback)

Josh Nichols and Drake Parker joyously played ping pong in their bedroom like the game had been invented just for them, acting out the characters they had fashioned by combining every cliché from old martial arts and space opera films. At last the Young Sichuan (Drake) bowed to Master Maguku (Josh) and said in the character's low accented tones, "Master, you have honorably beaten me."

Suddenly Josh's face turned serious. "Hold that thought," he commanded, as he raced up the 3 steps to the small desk and grabbed the chair. Without a wasted movement he shut the bedroom door and wedged the chair under the doorknob. He quickly ran back down the steps to the ping pong table, grabbed the good paddle, and stepped over to where Drake was standing as he caught his breath from their game. Josh spun Drake around and pushed him so that he splayed face forward onto the table, the breath knocked out of him with an "ooof."

Before Drake could react, Josh pinned him down with one hand, and with the other hand started striking Drake's rear end – hard – with the paddle. Since Drake fled the school during first period that morning, drenched from head to toes, he had immediately changed into a t-shirt and a pair of beige lounge pants featuring a Western design as soon as he had gotten home. He was still in his stocking feet. There was just a thin layer of breathable cotton cloth between Drake's bony little butt and the menacing paddle. Josh had gotten in five good licks before Drake started to resist and sputter, "What the –? Are you spanking me?"

Josh was strong, however, and held Drake down all the more firmly. "Don't you dare say a word! I told you we had unfinished business."

At that Drake turned his head away from Josh and used his hands to brace himself against the ping pong table, but otherwise remained still and quiet, except for the involuntary "Ow" and "Ouch." Drake could not deny that he deserved it, but it was still a bad surprise. Aside from his regular bickering with Josh, including the head-flicks, pinches, slap fights and all-out wrestling, nobody besides his mother had ever struck Drake in anger, not since that time Laurie McNeil from the cheerleading squad had slapped his face, when he was learning the difference between when "no" meant "no" and not just "maybe."

Drake had never seen Josh this mad, and, in fact, didn't know it was possible that Josh could go so over the top. Usually Josh just fumed and that was easy enough to ignore. With every whack, however, Drake was paying attention alright. It was, he thought, better than being "done" with, anyway. This Josh with the hot temper and the cold revenge was an unknown factor. Maybe it was just youthful hormones run rampant. There was a saying that popped into his mind, something about still waters running deep? Whatever, Drake thought, the volcano called Josh was now going all Krakatoa on his sweet ass.

Josh finally stopped after 22 swats, that was 2 for every day that he'd been done with Drake. He tossed the paddle across the room and said with finality, "if you ever – ever - disrespect me like that again, I swear I will hit you twice as hard, twice as many times. I'll use the bad paddle. And I will never speak another word to you again."

Josh turned his back to Drake, shuddered, put his hands over his face, and crumpled up into a corner of the couch, at the end nearest the door, and farthest away from Drake.

Drake lay there stunned for a minute. The past eleven days had been tumultuous for him and he had felt emotional pain like he had never known before, raw shock heaped upon rejection, and the uncomfortable realization that he had hurt Josh so much that the only way to deal was to be done with him. The loss opened up a chasm of regret and emptiness within Drake that was so wide and deep, he eventually didn't feel like eating or getting dressed or doing anything. Even his music brought him no solace. The sudden absence of Josh from his world was like being struck blind or deaf, and this realization shook him to the core. The ache was so awful and intense that it meant nothing to him to stand before his chemistry class, sopping wet, and apologize, not just for running over a bike and for taking the car, but for years of affronts, slights and downright meanness; Drake would do or say anything to make it stop. He had never felt so alone before. It was unbearable. He finally got it. He had brought this on himself by his own actions. If this was a fraction of the pain he'd caused Josh, it was inexcusable.

Getting up, rubbing his stinging backside, Drake gingerly hobbled to the couch. He couldn't exactly sit down, so he kind of slid onto the sofa on his side, stretching out, and laying his head to rest close to Josh's left knee, and facing towards Josh. "Are you crying?" Drake asked softly, reaching up with his right hand and pulling one of Josh's hands away from his face. Josh sniffed loudly and wouldn't meet Drake's eyes.

In a quavering voice, Josh said, "I shouldn't have done that to you. That's the worst thing I've ever done in my life. I'm ashamed that I lost it like that."

Still trying to catch Josh's eye, Drake replied, "Hey, I'd rather you'd whup me, any day, than be done with me. I get it now."

Josh answered, vehemently, "Oh, you do? You always say 'sorry.' You say 'let me make it up to you.' And then there's a next time. And another. And it isn't fair. I have to be sure this time. I have to know you've got my back."

Drake reminded him, "Well, you punished me with the silent treatment for eleven l-o-n-g days and I owned up to it in a very public way and now you have," slipping into the Sichuan voice, "exacted your wrathful vengeance upon my body." Returning to his normal voice, cranky, he said "And I have to ask you, how did you come up with these terrible ways to hurt Drake?"

Josh replied forcefully, "The DONE part . . . that came while I was standing outside the window of chemistry class. You knew how important that chemistry test was to me, to my grade, and I found myself locked out and sweating buckets after running 2.5 miles to school in 23 minutes. And I had just had a shower earlier that morning! When I saw you sitting there in class, unconcerned as usual, acting like nothing was your fault, I swear I wanted to kill you."

As Drake recalled that ground zero morning eleven days ago, it was the abrupt sound of Josh colliding with the closed classroom door that had been the first inkling that his world was about to change. That sound snapped Drake back from where he had been, off in a lustful fantasy in which he worked as a lab tester for flavored lip gloss and edible panties, and until that very moment, he had not even remembered that Josh should have been riding with him in the car to school. Oh, the horrible tone in his brother's voice when Josh shouted that accusatory "YOU!" – in a voice filled with disappointment and rage, and then he had lunged for Drake's throat. It took three of their classmates to hold Josh back. The slight remorse Drake felt in that minute gave him a sick feeling in his gut that started growing into a quicksand pit of guilt when he heard Josh ranting mournfully outside the classroom window. It tore at his heartstrings and Drake spurred himself to try his best on the test at hand, since he knew what he had done was going to cost Josh a full letter grade.

On that day of their schedule rotation, Drake remembered, he didn't have any other classes with Josh. He didn't see Josh in the cafeteria at lunchtime. After the final bell, Drake looked around and waited for Josh, but he didn't show up to catch a ride home. Drake knew he better have an apology and a good explanation ready. Damn that Megan and her nasty whale sounds that drove all the thoughts from a person's head in the first place. Little did Drake know what lay ahead for him, that Josh was DONE!

Returning to the present, Drake listened as Josh told him, "So I decided right then and there, when Mr. Roland was pulling the shades down on me, to lock you out. It was the only way left to protect myself. And, uh, the other? That was Megan's inspiration."

"Great," said Drake with disgust. "Not only do you have the worst brother in the world but we've got the worst sister, too."

Hearing the words "worst brother in the world" triggered a fresh round of sobbing, causing Josh to cover his face with his hands again. In his mind Josh was reliving their morning chemistry class, seeing the image of Drake, dripping wet, vulnerable, in front of everyone, apologizing for being the worst brother in the world. Josh could not have predicted that happening in a million years. Before, he would have been at Drake's side in a flash, but now he had to weigh things carefully, consider the pros and the cons. The balance in the Force had been in flux for eleven days. It was tearing him apart, which choice to make. Should he keep what had been gained or should he listen to his feelings? Should he risk being left behind again, and not once, but on a regular basis? That's why he said "No," when Mr. Roland asked him if he wanted to go and talk to Drake. He needed time to think, instead of immediately giving in to his innate compassion and concern for his stepbrother.

It wasn't easy for Drake to watch Josh getting so upset, especially when he knew that his actions had been the cause. Drake got up – carefully - and fetched the box of tissues from behind Josh's bed, feeling his own eyes starting to brim with tears. Leaning against the arm of the sofa, he said soothingly, "Take it easy," as he tapped Josh's shoulder with the box.

After wiping his face and blowing his nose with a wad of tissues, Josh spoke out. "You don't know what I went through. Everything started going my way because I built a wall around my heart to keep you out. Great things started happening for me and I couldn't even share it with you. In fact, it seemed a lot like the good things were happening because you weren't in my life any more."

Josh stopped to blow his nose again, loudly, then continued, "People started telling me 'Drake's had that coming for a long time,' and it made me mad because I felt they were right. And it made me even madder because I didn't want them saying things about you and I had to pretend not to care and it was so hard. I couldn't defend you and still be done with you. Whenever I started to weaken, though, all I had to do was think of how you drove off and left me; you simply forgot that I even existed, without a moment's hesitation, because a girl had new lip gloss – that's how much I meant to you. I want to trust you now, but how can I?"

Josh started weeping again, so hard that he couldn't talk for a minute, then finished with some body-wracking sobs, taking long gasps for air that made it seem like his heart was breaking. Anguished, he cried out, "What am I going to do with you?"

Drake was still standing there next to the sofa, taking it all in. He felt the waves of emotion coming off of Josh like bursts of heat lightning. Equally filled with hurt, Drake could only plead, softly, "Hug me, brotha?"

Josh sighed. He stood up and the two boys clenched each other as hard as they could, for a long time, in silence, and they both took what they needed from it. Drake started to gently kiss away some of the salty tears that streaked Josh's face. Without realizing the irony of his words, he whispered "Let me make it up to you," glancing meaningfully towards the bed, only a few steps away.

Josh managed a wistful little smile and replied, "As much as that might cheer us both up, I have to say 'no.' Part of the reason we have reached this juncture is due to your convoluted sex drive. It's not a solution for everything or to be used for a bargaining chip." He patted Drake's face, asking, "Do you understand?"

Josh stepped away from Drake and sat back down. So Drake settled himself and lay down, this time with his head against Josh's leg, again facing towards Josh. His fingers picked restlessly at the hem of Josh's red shirt. It was Drake's turn now and his words tumbled out. "You've been on your celebration victory tour for these past 11 days. Let me tell you what I've been doing, besides suffering for my sins. Since Mom and Dad made me go on hiatus with the band until I bring my grades up, I couldn't spend my time rehearsing or playing gigs. So I had plenty of time to think. On Tuesday night, when you went to the laser show, I couldn't believe you blew me off like that. Before I knew what I was doing, I went over to see Diane Langley."

"Isn't she the one they call the human trampoline?" inquired Josh with a distasteful 'tsk' sound. "Awwwwwwwwwww, Drake." Josh stroked Drake's auburn hair and listened.

"Yeah," Drake answered. "I must have rolled her two summers ago and never had any more contact. I showed up at her door that night without so much as a phone call. Do you think she told me where to go? No. She seemed glad to see me. And wasn't that a boost to my poor sagging ego? We took a walk to the cemetery near her house where it was nice and deserted. You might as well know everything. There in the dark, without any preliminaries, we did it on the grass between two mausoleums. I felt so angry and depressed, I didn't even fake taking care of her needs. I just pumped her with all my despair, so I could get it out of my system. I was grateful to her for not asking any questions, but it made me feel like an even worse pig."

Josh was looking at Drake now, slightly agog, yet attentive, leaning his head on his fist, his right arm propped along the back of the sofa. "Is there more you wish to share?" he asked.

Drake continued. "On Saturday when you had Security toss me out of the Premiere like a piece of garbage, and I didn't even have a car with gas, I called Diane and she picked me up. We drove around and talked, just random stuff. Mainly I listened to her talk about her on-again off-again relationship with that rich boy Thornton what's-his-name. And how worried she is that her family might move to Vermont and she'd never see him again. Then we parked in the free satellite lot near the airport. She took me in the backseat of the family car and for the first time in my life, I couldn't . . . perform."

Drake chewed on his fingernails for a minute and resumed his sad narrative. "Instead of kicking me to the curb, she drove me home and all she said was 'That's what's tough about being a guy, when you're too sad, sometimes you can't even screw to make yourself feel better.' People call her names and she has a reputation. But I'm no different than she is. That's when I knew I'd hit rock bottom. I really didn't want to get out of bed to face the world any more after that." Reaching for Josh's free hand, Drake took it between his own hands, saying, "I meant what I told you this morning. I am really sorry. About so many things. I took for granted all that you do for me, all the ways you show you care. I never meant to hurt you like that."

Freeing his hand and resting it on his brother's arm, Josh interjected, "I have been at fault, too. I saw it on Oprah. I am what's called an enabler. Instead of encouraging your independence, I found it easier to take care of you, to let you slide. In the beginning, I wanted you to depend on me, to get used to having me around. I wondered how you did it, being so cool and popular with everyone. At first I thought it was your clothes and your hair. But soon I could see it was more than that. Then we just grew into a routine where it was as easy for me to do things for you that I was going to do for myself anyway."

Propping himself up on his elbow, Drake said, "All that has changed. Now it's mostly only the girls I'm popular with. I cast everything else aside so I could focus on the girls and the music. I did get used to you, and more than that. You've been such a perfect friend, I didn't need anything else but the music, the girls and you."

Trying to be encouraging, Josh said, "You can still have anything you want. Nothing's set in stone. If you need to change something, then do it. There's a lot you'll need to know to be a professional musician. You can't rely on a manager or a girlfriend for everything. If you're interested in something, it makes it easier to learn. I've seen you in action when you're intent on something, and you won't let anything stop you."

Shaking his head, Drake said, "Josh, I don't know that I'm any good outside girls, guitars, and wasting time."

Putting his hand's on Drake's shoulders, Josh said to his brother, "Drake, where's your self-confidence? That's what everybody loves about you. I won't hear you put yourself down. If you treat people the same, like their needs and feelings are valid, you'll come out on top. Do you remember when I had my first crush and you told me how to treat girls? What happened to that guy?

Drake said somewhat dismissively, "It seems like a long time ago," and moved to a more pressing subject. "Give me your cell phone. I want to order something for delivery. I'm starving. We can't go downstairs with your eyes red and your face looking all puffy like that. And I certainly don't want to tell why I'm eating my dinner standing up. Won't Megan get a kick out of that?"

Giving Drake a little hug, Josh said, "Dude, I was kidding. Megan doesn't know a thing. I heard her in the hall, muttering about what she could do with a paddle in her hands, that's all. Let's be practical." Josh reached into his pocket. "Our mother has probably already started cooking our dinner." Handing Drake the phone, Josh said, "Why don't you call her and ask her to bring us something?"

Drake called the house phone and heard Audrey pick up. "Mom. It's me. Josh and I want to stay in our room. We're busy. Could you leave us something to eat outside our door? I need to catch up on what I missed at school today. I'm still not feeling very well. I think Josh might be catching it, too. Please, Mom? Thanks."

"You did fine until you started with the lies and the whining. Unnecessary," barked Josh.

"Hard habits to break, I'm afraid," Drake answered, triumphantly brushing aside Josh's criticism. "Mom said she'd do it, and that she's glad we're on speaking terms again. And so am I." He clicked the phone shut and dropped it into Josh's waiting hand. "Promise me you won't ever shut me out like that again."

Josh wanted to get along, but he also wanted to make sure the last eleven days hadn't been wasted. He asked Drake, seriously, "Can you promise me you won't paint me into a corner again like that? If you could stop and count to ten or something before you give in to your impulses. Just think about the consequences of your actions. Look before you leap, right? Get to know a girl before you hop in the sack with her. If you slowed down in the beginning, maybe you wouldn't have to get away so fast at the end. Or, let's get radical, maybe you should swear off sex for a while. Do you ever bring up any of this with Dr. Stein?"

"At the last session, all I did was cry." Remembering it made Drake's lower lip start to tremble. "I cried, because I knew that I had thrown my own brother away."

Now Josh pressed the Kleenex into Drake's hand.

"Sometimes I tell the truth to Dr. Stein. When I'm bored I just make up silly stuff to try and get a reaction out of him."

Trying to get through to Drake, Josh said, "Well, you should see if he can give you any advice you can use. Otherwise, you better get Mom to change doctors. I mean, what's the point?"

There was a knock at the door. Audrey told them, "It's on the hall table out here, boys. Enjoy."

After hearing the sounds of Audrey's retreating footsteps, the boys got up to get their dinner. Josh put the wooden chair back in its place at the desk by his bed. They carried the trays to the ping pong table.

"Here. Sit on Mr. Puff Puff," Josh told Drake, as Drake eased himself down onto the special pillow Josh had placed in the old orange armchair.

"How's that feel?" inquired Josh.

"It'll do," answered Drake, adding sarcastically, "I think you ought to kiss it and make it better, though."

Josh put the tray into Drake's hands, then got his own plate and sat down to eat. Deciding to have some fun, Josh adopted a mock-serious tone, "I'd just as soon go another round with the paddle, thanks. Or maybe I could find something that would be more, um, effective, like a hairbrush or the sole of a tennis shoe. I've seen that in the movies."

Looking uncomfortable and changing the subject, Drake said quickly, "How did Mom know I was in the mood for chicken wings?"

"Are you kidding?" asked Josh. "She's been so worried about your moping, she's been trying to tempt you all week long with your favorites. And you haven't even noticed. I just wonder how a sweet lady like that could have birthed two offspring like you and Megan. Must be that Parker DNA."

Drake, countering, "Oh, we're back to the subject of why I'm so awful."

Josh, teasingly replied, "Cut it out. You are not awful, just some of the things you do. I don't think my life would be anywhere as great now if I had never met you. You always force me to challenge my limits. I've done so many things I never would have gone after if you hadn't been around. Plus, you're fun to be with."

Josh continued to develop his theme, "I don't think the parents should have pulled the plug on the band. They ought to know you're serious about your musical ambitions. But I remember several times where you sacrificed your career goals to help people. Like when Megan hid that baby and I wigged out. And when you came home to sing to that little girl, your number one fan, instead of going on the radio. Your heart is in the right place. Most of the time."

Drake, feeling mollified, said, "If we're handing out compliments, I'll say that when I'm good, it's you who's rubbed off on me, by example. I know Mom and Dad wish they could have three top students in the family."

Josh, being realistic, responded, "Not everybody is cut out for what they teach us at school. But Mom and Dad know you can do better, that's why they push you -- so you don't end up living over their garage when you're 30. They don't want you getting married to the first girl who'll manage your life's details, just because you can't be bothered; that wouldn't be right."

Drake liked seeing his reflection in a mirror, literally, but not this other way, where the details of his life were held up for examination. However, it was better than the nothing-ness when Josh was done. Drake hoped he never heard that expression again. At least now they were talking and re-building some of the bridges between them. Drake's stomach was full and he had a cushy pillow to sit on. Life was re-entering the good zone.

Josh returned the empty plates to the hallway. They had agreed to leave the TV off, so they could do homework. They worked in companionable silence, Drake enthroned in the armchair and Josh nearby at the big desk, with Drake asking for the occasional explanation. Josh had put on some Mozart, to stimulate their brains. Drake finished a bag of Chee-Z-Curls from his secret stash and started on a bag of cookies. Josh watched Drake licking his fingers as he read from a textbook. Catching his glance, Drake said, "What? I'm multi-tasking."

After wadding up the empty cookie bag and tossing it towards the trashcan, Drake said, "I've finished 2 subjects now. Can I please have some normal music? I'm willing to compromise and listen to The Mix," adopting a deejay voice, "playing the 80's, 90's and Now." Josh acquiesced, turning off the Mozart and switching on the radio.

Drake started laughing when he heard the chorus playing from Nick Lowe's Cruel to Be Kind. "Oh, Josh, they're playing your new theme song."

You gotta be cruel to be kind and in the right measure

Cruel to be kind, it's a very good sign

Cruel to be kind means that I love you

Ba-by, you gotta be cruel to be kind.

Josh found it rewarding to hear Drake's laughter again. Rising to the occasion, he came back with, "Ha ha and ha. We'll have to see if they'll play a new one for you," and he returned his attention to the laptop. He was relieved the war with Drake was over. But he also knew he must stand his ground, or they'd slip right back into the old pattern. He wasn't about to let that happen, not for either of their sakes.

Josh completed his assignments first, gave the laptop to Drake for research, and started checking Drake's work. "Ah, here it is," said Josh, looking up from the paper.

"A mistake?" asked Drake.

"No – it's your new theme song," zinged Josh, as he chucked a leftover chicken bone in Drake's direction. "It's the Ramones. A classic. Beat on the Brat."

Beat on the brat, beat on the brat,

Beat on the brat with a baseball bat

Oh yeah, oh yeah. What can you do?

What can you do with a brat like this

Always on your back

What can you do?

Josh shoved the ping pong table aside and picked up the baseball bat next to Drake's bed and whirled around in a little pantomime to accompany the lyrics. Drake started giggling in spite of his minor indignation at the choice of songs.

Then all the studies were finished. Josh left the room to get ready for bed. When he returned, he said "The bathroom's free."

Drake left to take his turn. And when he came back, he asked diffidently, "Can I sleep with you in your bed tonight?

"Only if you sleep with your face on Mr. Puff Puff," answered Josh, sticking out his tongue, for emphasis.

Ignoring the taunt, as he walked towards the ladder, Drake came back with "Mr. Puff Puff's on vacation. I can get the pillow from my own bed, thanks."

Drake threw his pillow onto Josh's bed, next to Josh's head. Then he went over to the little desk, picked up the chair and wedged it back under the doorknob. Without ceremony, Drake pulled his pants to his knees and backed up so his shiny derriere was in the vicinity of Josh's face. "Well, did you leave any marks? I can't actually check for myself."

Josh, trying not to laugh, said, "It's as smooth as a baby's. No bruises, redness or swelling. You may cover it up, unless you're presenting me with an invitation for more 'live' paddle action."

Pulling his pants up quickly and scrambling around to the other side of the bed, Drake answered, "No. That's okay. You gave me plenty. I just wanted you to take a look before the lights were out." As Drake got into the bed next to Josh, his stomach made a rumbling noise.

Complaining, Josh said, "Cripes, I hope you're not gonna fart and whatnot all night."

"I told you, my appetite's coming back, that's all," explained Drake. "I ate more tonight than I have in the last 3 days. If it keeps growling, I'll go downstairs and have some chocolate milk and a can of peaches." He was on his stomach and pushed himself closer to Josh. "I know it wasn't easy for you to forgive me this time, Josh, but I'm happy that you did."

Josh started rubbing Drake's back, "I just hope you'll remember to be a true friend, and not such a problem child. I don't like it when we can't get along, either."

Feeling Josh's hand rubbing his back comforted him so much, Drake felt like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle were all falling into place. A small, giddy kind of warmth welled up in his depths, and to his further amazement, he felt himself getting hard. Sitting up and grabbing his star player with both hands, Drake called out excitedly, "Josh, I'm healed."

Noting the cause of Drake's joy, Josh said dryly, "Yeah, yeah. That's good news for you. Just promise me, no more visits to Diane. She has too many issues. And you might catch something, did you ever think of that?"

"Okay already," answered Drake, the subject of Diane already forgotten. "I know you said no fooling around, but that was before we finished making up. How would you feel about it now?"

Josh turned out the lights and then, pushing Drake's chest lightly, "Like I want that mouth near mine. What if Diane gave you herpes?"

Trying to use logic on Josh, Drake said, "Dude, I told you I didn't kiss her, just did the deed, and I always use protection," then he switched to outright whining, "Come on, Joshie, it helps me relax. I need a good night's sleep. I haven't had one in eleven nights."

Josh pulled a semi-furious face and in his 'outraged' voice, argued, "Do I need to lock you in the closet? You can relax in there, and I've had the pleasure of trying it, on Halloween, if you recall."

Drake gulped. "Right. I'd be satisfied if you just held me. After all, it has been a very tiring 11 days: getting my first zit, actually passing the chem test, having our worst fight, running out of gas, losing my manhood, being "done" with, taking a chemical emergency shower with my clothes on, receiving corporal punishment, getting ejected from a movie theater by armed goons, banging the school 'ho,' apologizing to you in front of the class, and these are only the highlights. . ."

Josh made an adjustment to the alarm clock, as Drake settled himself, again on his stomach, under the covers. Josh chuckled, continuing to rub Drake's back for a minute, whispering, "That's my boy. It's all a part of growing up."

What Drake didn't know was that Josh had set the alarm clock to ring 45 minutes earlier than usual.

Continued in Chapter 2