Okay, this story draws very heavily on the third episode ever of the show "My Best Friend's Mistake," so if you want to watch it again, I'd place it my Top Five episodes... Oh, and this is either the beginning of a much better story or a not-especially-good oneshot. I haven't decided yet.

Also, this is my first ever Scrubs fic, so let me know how I did. Thanks.

"I Tried To Discover..."

Somehow I knew when Elliot found that video file in Keith's special folder on her computer, that it was going to be awkward, but I just couldn't stop her from opening it.

"I can't believe this!" she screams.

I also couldn't get out fast enough.

She turns to me. "Do you think this means Keith is gay?"

"Well," I say, "he is having sex with another man, so..."

"I never would have imagined..." she shakes her head, nearly crying.

"I don't think any of us saw this coming." Try as I might, I just can't seem to lie convincingly.

"Oh my god..." she gasps, evidently noticing something on the other man's arm, "is that Todd?"

I shake my head. "Of course not.'

Then the man with the penis shouts "High Five!"

and I'm forced to admit "Well, maybe..."

I knew what Elliot really needed right now was to be really comforted, but that had always been hard with us. Even though we've both moved on over the years, I could never really escape our past together and I knew she could never completely forgive me for everything I've done to her. I really did want to love her, but for some reason I just couldn't. It felt like our relationship had been cursed. Maybe we really had been damned to the Friend Zone when I couldn't get the first kiss six years ago.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again.

Wait! I can go back in time and do it all over again!

Through the miracles of Self-Delusion!


As I ran to catch up to Dr. Cox, I was struck by how much thinner I was and how my hair so much shorter. Also, I could use my knowledge of the future to freak out Turk by calling predicting which episode of "Rhoda" was going to be on at any given time.

Still, there were disadvantages to being in the past, too.

Like Dr. Cox and I hadn't had time to develop our Mentor-Teacher bond to its current fuzzy state.

"Dr. Cox, I need to talk to you."

"Not now, Stella," he barks, "I have to hit the john."

"But," I beg, "this will only take a second."

"Well," he smiles at me like a skull "this is going to take a good ten minutes, so you might want to find someone else to bond with there, Lucy."

"I'm just having problems with this friend of mine and..."

"Look," I can tell he's getting angry because he's increasing his number of hand motions, "give me a couple of minutes and we can crack open a new Tiger Beat, bust open a keg of Shasta, and make a real girl's night of it, but right now I've got to bust out a slush, now, someday when you get a penis of your very own installed you'll understand this, but I both want and need to expel some urine right now, so, if you'll please excuse me," he says (in one breath), before ducking into the Men's Room.

So I duck in after him. "It's just..."

"For God's Sake!" he shouts, stopping in midstream. "Can't a man even take a piss anymore!"

"It's just that I almost had this moment with Elliot earlier and now I feel like if I don't act on it soon, we'll never be able to get our relationship to work right," I tell him very quickly, trying to leave out the part where I'm from the future. He tends not to like that sort of thing.

"Pam," he says, speaking in short bursts to prevent explosion, "what do you want to have when you're my age?"

I shrug. "A wife... kids... a position in a hospital where I can do some real good."

He nods. "Do I have any of those things?"

"Well... no," I admit.

Again, he nods. "What I do have is an ex-wife who left me with just enough money to stock up on garlic and crosses in case she comes back, a workload that means that if I sleep, people will die, and a fist full of interns who won't even leave me alone long enough to take a leak. Does that sound like the kind of man you should be going to for help?"

"I guess not," I admit weakly.

He nods. The past sucks.

As I turn to leave, he starts singing. "I tried to discover... a little something to make me sweeter." I don't think he even realizes he's doing it. "Oh, baby refrain... from breaking my heart..."

At least I knew I went back to the right day.