I was really stuck for an idea, to the point that I thought I might be done writing Office fics for awhile. Then this one came to me. I'll leave it up to you to decide if I was better off calling it a day.
The Plot to Kill Halpert
Episode One: Enter the Master Planner
Dwight surveyed the other men gathered in the warehouse with pride and contempt. These were his loyal men. He hated every last one of them. "I suppose you're wondering why I called you all here," he swaggered.
"This is my warehouse," Darryl shot back.
"And it was my idea," Roy seconded.
"Right," Dwight conceded. It was a minor detail and he didn't really want to be troubled be it.
Darryl took Roy aside for a second. "Does he really have to be here?" While Darryl had been friends with Roy for a quite some time now, he had been trying to slowly put more distance between them since his break-up with Pam. It wasn't that he didn't sympathize with his friend, it was just that Roy was being a douche lately.
"He's gonna help me get Halpert," Roy defended.
"Why do you need help?" Darryl countered, bringing up a valid point "Just grab him!"
"I don't know..." Roy was uncertain. Roy was always uncertain.
"How is this even an issue?" Darryl, however, was more direct. When you had to deal with Michael Scott, you learned to be direct. "Just grip him up and get over it."
"No," Roy shook his head. "I can't just beat him up." He tried to pause dramatically. "I've gotta kill him."
If Darryl thought this idea had any hope of success, he might have argued with Roy, beat him up, or alerted the authorities. Instead he offered a blank "Uh-uh."
Roy shook his head grimly. "And that needs a plan."
"He's right," Dwight said with Batman-like drama. "An operation like this requires cunning and decisiveness... and intelligence." Darryl knew that instantly that his was exactly what Dwight had been waiting for his whole life.
"Roy," Dwight assured him, placing an arm around the larger man that just did not make anyone more comfortable, "if this plan works, no one will ever connect this to you."
"All Halpert did was steal his wife," Darryl muttered bitterly.
"They never got married and Jim and Pam are not together," Dwight pointed out, ignorant of how much worse this clearly made Roy feel. "Therefor, no one has any reason to suspect Roy has a problem with Jim."
"He trashed a bar full of people," Darryl said, stretching out each word in the hopes that somehow this would help Schrute understand.
It didn't work. "People wreck bars all the time," Dwight sniped. "Trust me, Roy. You're in good hands."
This, of course, shook Roy's faith in Dwight considerably. He turned to his brother for help. "Kenny?"
Kenny shrugged. He'd been shrugging his way through life, so why stop now?
"All right," Darryl bellowed, "explain how Roy... who already has a record... can kill a guy you have a history with on camera and get away with it."
"Well," Dwight began.
"And everyone knows he broke up that marriage," Darryl broke in.
"Unfortunately," Dwight continued, his face at war with how much he was enjoying this and how much he hated this next step, "for a plan this big we have no choice but to make a deal with the Devil."
The door swung open dramatically, but no one really cared to look. A figure slowly stepped out of the shadows, holding a yellow, beat-up toy boom-box playing a garbled tape of "Smooth Criminal." Had dry ice been available, he probably would have used that, too.
"Gentlemen," Andy said, extending his hand, "let's fry us a big tuna."
Darryl silently decided now would be a good time to find some new friends.
Next Week: Night of the Death Shark.