Episode Three: Kill! Gore! Tuna!
Hour three of the assembly and the fragile peace between the delegates had come to an explosive confrontation.
"I just don't see why you should be the one to bone Karen?" Dwight snapped at the erstwhile Andy.
"Who would you have do her?" Andy shoot back caustically. "You? 'Cos, I gotta tell you, Big Bobble, I have a hard time seeing that one work for some reason."
Dwight turtled back into himself. "I have a girlfriend," he countered weakly.
Andy laughed derisively. Dwight looked for help, but he could tell absolutely no one in the room believed him. This irked him to no end, even if he had been lying almost every other time he'd said that in this life.
"If this whole 'murder' thing is going to work, I'm going to need to run this gang like Kevin Rowland ran Dexys Midnight Runners," Andy stressed. "Every last one of you will have to blindly do exactly what I tell you to do without question." He smiled wickedly as though petitioning some dark god for a boon. "Only then can we get our 'Come On Eileen.'"
There followed a lengthy pause, broken only when Roy thought to say "I thought the Clash wrote that song."
"No," Dwight corrected him, "the Clash wrote 'Our House.'"
"The point is," Andy swerved back on track, "I've got the ultimate three point revenge plan. One: I sleep with Karen, Two: I steal Tuna's job, Three: I move on to the Corporate office... We all benefit as long as we all follow the plan."
"What about killing Jim?" Dwight reminded him caustically.
Andy shrugged. "That's where you three come in."
"There's four of us," Darryl murmured lowly yet meaningfully.
"Of course there are, Soul Brother," Andy nodded patronizingly, "you are a valuable member of this team, couldn't do it without you."
Darryl found himself missing the subtlety and sensitivity of Michael Scott.
He wondered how he could get these idiots out of his warehouse. He knew if so much as got up to go to the bathroom, they'd break out into a Laser tag tournement or something he'd left to deal with the consequences.
And now he had "Come On Eileen" stuck in his head.
"I would sooner die than follow you," Dwight hissed, "you were brought here to serve us. It was our twenty bucks that brought you here and you would do well to remember that."
Andy didn't hesitate to get right into Dwight's face. "And why did you bring me here? Huh?" Dwight said nothing and Andy invaded further into his space. "Was it because you had so many great ideas you couldn't do them all at once? Was it?" Still, Dwight reminded silent, although his features curtled as if he had tasted rancid milk. "Or was it that you didn't have any ideas at all? That not one of you..." he swept his hand expansively across the warehouse, "...had any clue how to bring down Halpert and get away with it?"
Andy had intended to let that question hang in the air for a while so he could treasure his moment of superiority, but Kenny broke the spell instantly. "We could make it look like Karen got jealous and killed Jim... Roy still has a lot of Pam's stuff we could plant on Jim," he pointed out.
Whatever half-assed response Andy was about to offer was interrupted by the sudden, horrifying sound that shaved years of the lives of every man present: the slow creak of the warehouse door opening.
Had it been Jim Halpert, there was little doubt in each man's mind that he could have risen up, fulfilled his heroic destiny, and struck him down right there. No one would ever have to know about it, each of the other four men (expect Darryl) would guard the secret to the grave, it would have been the perfect crime. (Again, until Darryl turned the other men in the next morning.)
Except, it wasn't Jim at the door.
It was Jan.
"What are you guys doing down here?" she asked, speaking as she would to a Fourth Grade Special Ed class.
Andy's personality mirroring of Michael snapped into effect. "Just having a nutritious breakfast, Mom!" he called back nervously.
Jan shook her head in undisguised disgust. "This warehouse is supposed to be empty tonight."
"Sorry, Jan... we were just..." Dwight fumbled, completely at a loss as to why five grown men would be circled up in an empty warehouse after midnight.
"Wait," Darryl chimed in, "what are you doing here?"
Now it was Jan's turn to fumble with her words. "Well, I'm..."
Fortunately for Jan, she didn't have to worry about making excuses for very long.
Unfortunately for Jan, the reason she didn't have to worry about excuses was that an excuse she could make was rendered useless by the sudden appearance of a half-naked Michael Scott. "Jaaaaaaann..." he sang, "are you ready to 'inspect the warehouse?'"
There followed a pause more horrible than any previously named or imagined.
"Oh... hi, guys," Michael said weakly. Darryl and Roy snickered, Dwight looked on with awe, Kenny became aware of feelings he didn't like to talk about, Jan considered the merits of getting a new therapist. This wasn't the first time something like this had happened to Michael, but he'd be lying if he said it got easier with experience.
Desperately trying to focus on anything else, Jan narrowed her eyes at Andy. "Aren't you supposed to in Anger Management training?"
Andy jumped back, then rabbited for it. "It was Schrute's idea!"
"It was not!" He shouted as he sprang after Andy. "Come back here, you!"
Jan shook her head in utter disgust at herself and the children she had somehow surrounded herself with. She muttered something unintelligibly threatening to Michael, and they two were gone.
For a moment Darryl simply tried to blind away the images that had been burned onto his retinas.
"Hey," Roy said, turning to Darryl, "you wanna get a beer?"
Darryl nodded. After seeing Michael Scott's buttocks, he could definitely use a drink.
Roy gestured to Kenny and the three men silently made their way out into the night.
"I've been thinking," Roy mused thoughtfully, "I should probably just grip Halpert up."
"You think so?" Darryl asked him warmly.
"Yeah," he nodded. "I'm much bigger than him," he reasoned.
Rashida Jones will be back in "Stamford Calling"
A new career in a new town, a chance to put the past behind her. Karen smiled to herself as she breathed the air of her hometown once again. She felt like Mary Tyler Moore.
Now, if she could just get rid of Andy.
"I'll tell ya, Big Veggie, you're lucky you ended up with me."
"Shut up, Andy," she sighed.