Tonight I Wanna Cry

It had been three months since the Centre had been destroyed.

At last, Jarod had succeeded.

And after just one week of real freedom, he had returned to Blue Cove. To visit Miss Parker.

That's all that he had wanted. Just say "hello", talk about "the good old times". Maybe help her work out all that had happened in the last weeks.

But when she had opened the door, he had known that he wouldn't be able to leave like he had planned.

So he had stayed.

He had told himself that they were friends. That they were now able to be as close as they had been in their childhood.

So they had spent a few wonderful weeks together. The best weeks in their whole life.

But then everything had changed. They had become closer than they had wanted to realize.

The tension had been almost obvious.

And he hadn't been able to bear it any longer.

So he had told her that he loved her.

She hadn't said a word.

So he had left.

And now she was alone again.

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine

She had started drinking hard again the day he had left.

Sometimes she wanted to forget he had come back to her. And sometimes she needed to remember him having been so close to her. He had sat in her living room, next to her on her couch. She had fallen asleep next to him. He had taken showers in her bathroom. He had cooked in her kitchen.

She could still smell him everywhere. And that made it even worse.

Even if she hadn't realized it, all that she had wanted since the day that he had walked in was being together with him forever and always. And it hadn't been important to her if they were friends or lovers. She would have preferred lovers, but she could have lived with just being friends 'cause she needed him around. To live without him again, was no longer an option.

Of course, she had noticed how his behaviour had changed. It had seemed to her as if he had more and more avoided being close to her. But she had tried to ignore it. She couldn't bear to see her dream fade away.

She had wanted to keep on imagining him always being around. Because he loved her. Because she loved him.

There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

She still treasured the memories. But she wanted more. More memories of him being with her. Of him being happy because they were together. Of her smiling. Not only a smirk, a real smile. One she hadn't been able to smile since Thomas.

Every time her bell rang she hoped it was Jarod. That they could start again. That he forgave her not telling him that she also loved him.

Why hadn't she told him?

But it was never him in front of her door.

Maybe he had been afraid that she was just playing with him.

She should have told him about her feelings.

That she loved him, but that she had been afraid of being hurt again. Afraid of losing him. Even after the Centre had fallen down.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But now, she would never have the chance to tell him all these things.

So she tried to ignore her heart breaking into thousands of pieces.

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

But despite the alcohol, she couldn't forget him. She could tell herself that everything would be okay, but she couldn't believe it. That there maybe would be another man. That she would be able to tell this man that she loved him.

The truth was that she knew that there would never again be someone like Jarod. She couldn't imagine ever loving another man.

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone

The music slowly faded while she took another sip of her drink. She hated the taste 'cause she wasn't used to it anymore. As soon as Jarod had started living with her she had stopped drinking. She had no longer needed it. And it wasn't good for her ulcer. She had had a good reason to change her habits.

But old habits die hard, she told herself. And when she had realized in the morning he had left that he wasn't there anymore, she had gone to her kitchen and had searched for and old bottle of "Wild Turkey".

Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better

When the alcohol hadn't helped, she had thought that it would help if she was always occupied. That's why she had tried a lot of things in the last weeks: Reading books, watching films, writing letters to old friends, trying to find out more about her past, painting, swimming, hell, even knitting.

But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

But nothing had helped …

And when the bell rang again, she didn't even bother to open the door. She just decided to ignore it.

And when she heard a familiar voice, she thought that she had started hallucinating.

But she hadn't …


P.S. The song is called "Tonight I wanna cry" … it belongs to Keith Urban. And THX to Witti. He's the one who told me that this story should have an HAPPY END. And "Wild Turkey" is for Nici – in loving memory of Johnny Cash telling a story of Willie Nelson, a stewardess and "Wild Turkey" instead of Tequila.